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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: March 29th

The Croods owned the box office last week because a big cartoon tentpole is always sure money. People go see animated releases now because Pixar is all artsy fartsy and you’re almost considered somehow now a film fan if you don’t sit through something made for 10 year olds. Go figure. This week also features movies for 10 year olds and/or ones made by people with the mentality of them.

By:|March 29, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Your Local Cable Provider

Go on, gobble away!

By:|March 29, 2013


5 More Reasons to Oppose Gay Marriage

I once wrote about the terrors that would befall us if we allowed gay marriage but the debate has obviously not gone away and, in fact, marriage equality is gaining ground. If something isn’t done we’ll soon be treating everyone in the world like real, actual people. Is that how you want your kids to grow up?

By:|March 28, 2013


The Morning Jolt: They Mash This

Normally I wouldn't post a video like this but I was feeling wistful and these kids clearly put a boatload of effort into this, and it pretty well pays off. I hate 90% of these songs. At least.

By:|March 28, 2013


What Goes on at a Nudist Camp?

I’ve had it in my head for a while that it would be hilarious to go to a nudist camp and spend a day, then write about it because why not? But what am I in for if I do such a thing? Aside from bits and bobs hanging out, what’s the deal with being naked all day in an allegedly non-sexual way? I looked into it!

By:|March 27, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Lil Wayne Does Not Know What He Does

This should make you laugh, but feel sad at the same time.

By:|March 27, 2013

crystal ball

25 Predictions for the Year 2050

People like to make predictions about the future because it’s fun to speculate and who the hell is ever going to remember if you were right or wrong when it comes to pass anyway?

By:|March 26, 2013


The Morning Jolt: We’re Gonna Die!

Damnable buffalo!

By:|March 26, 2013


The 10 Best 1st Lines in Novels as Written by an Internet Comedian

Some books are classics and resonate through time with readers. They are books you have to read if you appreciate the written word. And the first line is often what hooks you into a great book. According to the American Book Review, these are the 10 best first lines from books ever, as rewritten by me, after several drinks. Are they any less memorable? Hell no.

By:|March 25, 2013


The Morning Jolt: My Anus

Dude's anus was in a bit of trouble, then it got flattered out. Then it bled.

By:|March 25, 2013


Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: March 22nd

I honestly never remember what I wrote about the week before without looking and this week I refused to check. I think last week Oz won again even though it opened the week before. Oh, Burt Wonderstone opened last week. Yeah, no one saw that. On the upside, I got the Hobbit on DVD, so that’s cool.

By:|March 22, 2013


The Morning Jolt: I Get Around

Feel good hit of the summer.

By:|March 22, 2013


5 Foods I Don’t Want to Eat from Etsy

Did I just write a whole week’s worth of food related articles for some reason? Yes I did. Go with it. Everyone eats, it’s relatable. That said, I found myself on Etsy looking for some crocheted nut warmers today and ran afoul of their food section.

By:|March 21, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Cup and Ball Trick

I like Penn and Teller because they'll do this for you and they don't put up with bullshit. Hence their show Bullshit.

By:|March 21, 2013


The Krazy Kraft Kuisine Kontrivance

It recently occurred to me that Kraft makes both Miracle Whip and Mac and Cheese, two foods that depress me to no end. Miracle Whip was invented as some kind of mayo knock off and tastes nothing like it, it just looks the same and I don’t even know what it’s for. Is it for sandwiches? It’s not good on sandwiches. Is it for salads? It’s not good in salads. And don’t you dare make dip out of it.

By:|March 20, 2013


The Morning Jolt: MinusIQ

The satire, it bites!

By:|March 20, 2013

canned food

The 4 Saddest Canned Foods Ever

This article needs to be clarified right off the bat. It’s not about gross canned foods, there are lots of those articles out there showing off pig brains and canned duck penis and who knows what else. This is focused on foods that are just depressing in the way that the person who eats them must cry in the shower a lot for seemingly no reason.

By:|March 19, 2013

pulled over

The Morning Jolt: Elmo Road Rage

is this guy doing an Antoine Dodson impression?

By:|March 19, 2013


25 Names For Your Future Mexican Restaurant

As you may have guessed, we have a love for tacos up in here. Taco Bell, Taco Del Mar, Taco…well, that’s all we know. But if a joint sells tacos, we respect them because they’re delicious in pretty much every way. That said, we need more Mexican restaurants out there.

By:|March 18, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Winter is Coming

Is this funny in any way? No. And I don't care. Game of the Thrones is awesome ans you're all invited to come over and watch it with me.

By:|March 18, 2013