The Morning Jolt: No Camera Allowed
If this guy was trying to prove that he deserved to be shot with a tazer, he totally did. What an asshole.
By:Ian Fortey|September 17, 2012
Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen: September 14th
Oh man, I don’t know what happened but what an awesome week for movies. I usually have to toss in at least one movie I know no one is going to see to pad these columns out but this week I had to cut stuff because there’s so much awesomeness opening. And by that I mean stupid stuff. Probably a couple of these movies are OK but man, there’s a lot of ridiculous shit hitting theaters this week, it’s great.
By:Ian Fortey|September 14, 2012
An Open Letter to the Non Toilet Trained
Hey there, dribble guts, how goes it? That’s rhetorical, I’m well aware of your problems, at least a few of them. And that’s kind of why we need to talk.
By:Ian Fortey|September 13, 2012
The Morning Jolt: We Are What we Eat
I got an email from the dude who made this movie. He's 16, from the UK, and managed to get a bunch of British school girls to do what he wanted on camera (by saying school girls I am tacitly implying they are all 18 and over). Frankly, I'm impressed.
By:Ian Fortey|September 13, 2012
4 Kinds of Urine You Can Buy Right Now
Did you pee today? You should have, because it’s weird if you went a day without peeing. But did you ever stop to appreciate your urine? Probably not unless you’re one of those freaks on the internet. Oh. Hmm.
By:Ian Fortey|September 12, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Screw Bill O’Reilly
yes, we all know Bill O'Reilly is an anal polyp of a man, but it's nice to see if laid out so succinctly.
By:Ian Fortey|September 12, 2012
Why You Should Never Chase a Wild Turkey
This article is in no way about the booze that was very astutely named after one of nature’s most terrible monsters, the turkey. Farm raised turkeys seemed like scrotum-necked dullards but a wild turkey is some kind of heinous, devil-gobbler.
By:Ian Fortey|September 11, 2012
The Morning Jolt: No Speeding
Don't speed on Florida highways, they don't let anyone get away with that crap.
By:Ian Fortey|September 11, 2012
Fall 2012 in Terrible Television
Every fall TV networks throw steaming piles of poo at a wall in the hopes that one is just sticky enough to not fall off and roll away into obscurity. This very rarely works out well, but one or two shows on each network inevitably make it through an entire season and sometimes get to last for years.
By:Ian Fortey|September 10, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Captain Kirk and the Ladies
You know how it's going to end.
By:Ian Fortey|September 10, 2012
Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: September 7th
Summer is over so what does the first week of kids back in school and shitty movies have for us? Some shitty movies! In fairness (having never seen them, hence the clever title of this feature) I can’t be 100% sure they’re all shitty, but I have an ominous feeling this week. Like the kind of feeling I get after eating Indian food that’s been sitting in a warming tray too long. So, you know, stand back.
By:Ian Fortey|September 7, 2012
7 Words We Can’t Use Anymore Thanks to the Internet
Thanks to people like me and you, the English language is constantly being buggered every which way. When fools aren’t stomping it to unrecognizable pieces in text messages and Facebook updates, the rest of us are tittering at words that used to be perfectly acceptable and useful in casual conversation that now mean nothing but smutty smut. Oh you!
By:Ian Fortey|September 6, 2012
5 Little People who Were Not Oompah Loompahs
Hollywood could not be where it is today without the skills of a wide variety of people. People of all shapes and colors and sizes, and that includes little people, who you may know as midgets (but don’t say midget, it’s like the N word only don’t say that to black people, it’s offensive). They’ve come a long way since the mass casting of Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz and the orange faced menace of Willy Wonka and his damn factory, let’s see just how far.
By:Ian Fortey|September 5, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Diz is Why I’m Hot
I will post any video Die Antwoord makes because I am inexplicably fascinated by them.
By:Ian Fortey|September 5, 2012
The Kick Ass Kiss Komparison
How many times have you been invited to a kick ass makeout party full of swimsuit models and porn stars and Holy Taco editors and you have to be like “Oh, I can’t, I have polio” and then you stay home and make out with a room temperature ham –WHICH IS WHERE POLIO COMES FROM – and it’s all because you never learned how to kiss properly?
By:Ian Fortey|September 4, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Drunk tractor
I guess the best part is when the guy drags him out and then pops him in the head.
By:Ian Fortey|September 4, 2012
What Back to School Means to You
If you are not a silly child, or in possession of such things, then back to school hype is meaningless to you. You don’t need a lunch box or a pencil case or…what else do kids have? Sugar beets? I dunno.
By:Ian Fortey|September 3, 2012
Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: August 31st
Last week was a bunch of burgled turds, let’s be honest. The best offering was a movie about a bike messenger. Come on. This week is…well. It’s a different week, so, you know, that’s something. And maybe all of these movies are equally the best movies ever. Wouldn’t that be something? It sure would.
By:Ian Fortey|August 31, 2012
Holy Taco Meets the Suicide Girls
This past weekend Holy Taco managing editor Ian Fortey, currently typing about himself in the 3rd person, headed to Toronto, Ontario to attend Fan Expo. You already saw how his heart was broken by Lou Ferrigno (if not, go read it) but what you did not learn was how some delightful ladies called the Suicide Girls helped put that shattered man back together again.
By:Ian Fortey|August 30, 2012
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