Filthy Limericks for All Occasions
You know what we don't have enough of? Dirty limericks.
By:Ian Fortey|August 27, 2012
Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: August 24th
Last week was a shameful event at the movies (or not, depending on your tastes) but this week is going straight up subtle with offerings that are all pretty much flying under the radar. To the movies!
By:Ian Fortey|August 24, 2012
An Open Letter to Up and Coming Disney Stars
S’up? You guys just hanging out? That’s cool. Pretty def, huh? And maybe phat? Yeah. So listen, I don’t want to come off sounding like a square adult, or some kind of unhip shitbird (kids still say that, right?) but I need you to be prepared for what’s coming.
By:Ian Fortey|August 23, 2012
5 Planets Not Run by Apes
You can’t trust a planet of the apes and I’ll tell you why – it’s run by apes. We all love a chimpanzee when they’re wearing t-shirts and engaging in delightful antics, but the downside is that every so often a chimp can and will take a person’s face and/or limbs off. That’s not even a joke, Google it.
By:Ian Fortey|August 22, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Musical Beers
This is old as ass, but who cares, it's Workaholics.
By:Ian Fortey|August 22, 2012
How to Fight a Holy Man in 3 Easy Steps
So, you’ve decided to take a harbinger of a Lord to task (which Lord? Doesn’t matter), good for you. For far too long the envoys of the various holy orders around the world have been getting pretty uppity, haven’t they? With their circumcisions and catechisms and wailing walls and robes and blessings and c’mon already. Well it’s time to put them in their place. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!
By:Ian Fortey|August 21, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Europe Hates Your Car
Obviously I've never driven any car from Europe because I take the bus, but for all their griping they do have a point that we love to make really shitty dashboards. That said, what's a European dashboard made of?
By:Ian Fortey|August 21, 2012
A Game of Hodor vs The Walking Carl
It is dark and it is cold and everything should be still and peaceful. Everything is not. The forest has shed its forest sounds. There are no birds in trees, nor even insects. There is no breeze. But there is the crunch of leaves, felled branches and twigs. Deadfall, they call it. They call it deadfall.
By:Ian Fortey|August 20, 2012
Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen: August 17th
This is arguably one of the biggest weeks for movies in ages, not because it has a certified blockbuster like every week since May, but because it doesn’t. In fact, it has a lot of movies that are uniquely tailored to different audiences making it a week that will likely be almost sort of interesting. Almost. Not a challenge to call, though.
By:Ian Fortey|August 17, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Girl Room Revenge
I don't know why I found it so funny when he admits it was really well done, but I did. And he's right, really well done.
By:Ian Fortey|August 17, 2012
6 Saddest Places Penises Have Had to be Freed From
The penis is the strangest animal you’ll ever meet. It stands proud when it’s happy, shrinks like a fearful puppy when it’s scared or cold and it also humps stuff. All kinds of stuff. And not just normal stuff like other people or Fleshlights, but nutty stuff that you should have enough self awareness to keep your junk away from. But if that were the case, this article wouldn’t exist.
By:Ian Fortey|August 16, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Young Love
Holy Taco is all about facilitating romance. This dude clearly loves Emily. Soldier on, Casanova.
By:Ian Fortey|August 16, 2012
6 Unceremonious Ways to End a Sexual Encounter
So, you’ve decided to have sex. Please tell me what it’s like. But also, be wary! As it happens, not all sex can be as glamorous as what you’ve seen in Willem Dafoe movies. As it happens, sometimes sex doesn’t follow a script and then something all crazy has to happen that ruins everyone’s good time. Like what, you ask? Savvy reader, you are. Read on!
By:Ian Fortey|August 15, 2012
The Morning Jolt: How to Eat a Watermelon
If this video didn't exist, I'd have to write an article. Especially about the fork cartels.
By:Ian Fortey|August 15, 2012
How to Remove a Wine Stain
So, got a little stain there do ya, rubbie dub? Could barely hold that glass upright? Don’t feel bad, we’ll save you before anyone realizes what a dangerous lush you are.
By:Ian Fortey|August 14, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Safe Sex Rap
Best line in this - "I don't want someone everyone else has already ruined." Remember that, kids. Sex ruins you.
By:Ian Fortey|August 14, 2012
A Game of Hodor: Chapter V
There are mornings when I wake up and have to wonder if perhaps I unknowingly made a great enemy of some vengeful god at some point in my life. I awoke this morning to a direwolf attempting to breed with my cloak whilst I was wearing it. Just a warm, vaguely damp urgency at my side and then I awake and oh joy, a lupine penis about the size of my forearm. And I’m a large man.
By:Ian Fortey|August 13, 2012
The Morning Jolt: 5 Guys plus This Guy
Gonna be honest, this guy makes me want a burger and fries.
By:Ian Fortey|August 13, 2012
Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: August 10th
Last week the Hollywood machine had a possum stuck in the gears and turned out pure shit. Our apologies to anyone who went to theaters last week. This week a new set of movies with maybe some more potential and less suckitude. But who will reign supreme? Behold!
By:Ian Fortey|August 10, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Call Me Maybe (on Chatroulette)
Every time I see this guy I think "This guy." And then I watch it anyway.
By:Ian Fortey|August 10, 2012
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