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The Morning Jolt: No Asians

They come from Agia.

By:|February 1, 2013


The Definitive List of Fart Euphemisms

Farting. It’s the single funniest thing a person can do. Don’t Google it, don’t debate, don’t even bother trying to think of something funnier. There’s nothing. But the problem with farting, if there is one, is that it may be too funny. It’s too awesome. So awesome, in fact, that there are hundreds upon hundreds of euphemism for them.

By:|January 31, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Dems Fightin Werds

Junkie bastards.

By:|January 31, 2013


American Idol Recap: The Finale

I know what you’re thinking – “Ian, can I undress and feed you chicken wings?” The answer is a resounding yes. And while we do that let me explain something to you – American Idol is, as far as I know, still on TV. I set out this year with a mission, and by that I mean I caught the first episode of American Idol’s new season on a whim and decided I would do episode recaps for you.

By:|January 30, 2013


The Morning Jolt: R Kelly As He Was Meant To Be

Forget that pederast, golden-shower enthusiast. This guy's much better.

By:|January 30, 2013


25 Things That Make You an Objectively Bad Person

Listen, I’m no expert on life, love and how things work, but I’m probably more qualified to make decisions about those things than a large percentage of the world. I base this belief on my powers of observation and the fact I’ve witnessed so many idiots in life I’m pretty confident I’m kind of amazing. By virtue of the fact you’re literate and reading this, you’re probably ahead of the game, too.

By:|January 29, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Lightning

The appropriate response to lightning.

By:|January 29, 2013


The 5 Worst Card Games Found Online

Playing cards have existed since the Tang Dynasty in China, Tang being the most awesome and party-filled Dynasty of them all. Since that time they’ve evolved into one of the most timeless, reliable and fun ways to pass the time.

By:|January 28, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Miami Blackhawks

Ok, so the official story here is that military Blackhawk helicopters, police vehicles and boats are all doing a training operation in downtown Miami. So the Military is training with local police, blocking off major highways and firing blanks at the highway in the middle of the night. But it's just training. They are not trolling conspiracy theorists in any way.

By:|January 28, 2013


Upcycle Your Broken Mobile Phone Parts into Survival Tools

You know how sometimes when you go hiking you get attacked by a mountain lion or a clan of inbreds and you hurl your phone in a fit of ill-planned panic and now you can't call for help and your phone is broken? Well don't lost hope just yet, turns out you can use your phone parts to do some amazing things. After all, even the best cell phones can only do so much when used as they were intended. But busted up you can be all MacGyver with them.

By:|January 25, 2013


Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Jan 25th

It’s a brand new week at the ass end of January where few people try hard when it comes to films. Is that unfair? Not really. On the upside there’s a movie I actually want to see coming out this week. In limited release. Listen, limited release, you can suck a fart bag. No one likes limited release. Go hard or go home, cowards.

By:|January 25, 2013


The Morning Jolt: The Tarsier

I have that lizard book around here somewhere.

By:|January 25, 2013


Why Terrell Mims: Plagiarist Doesn’t Get It

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to be saturated in douche. Terrell Mims has resurfaced. Back in 2011 Holy Taco helped out him as a word thief, a man building his reputation on lies and deceit, copying the work of other authors (from huge, well known websites) and passing it off as his own.

By:|January 24, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Do Her Louis

She's like a confusingly attractive Bobby Hill who wants to bang Louis CK. Gonna be honest, I'd watch.

By:|January 24, 2013


When Internet People Make Fake Vaginas

As you know, I have a history of reviewing Fleshlights in non sexy ways. I mean, obviously you can hump one, but what else is it good for? That’s always been my point of view. But what are other people out there doing? I know that there are a lot of sites that describe methods of making your own homemade Fleshlight substitute, but what kind of advice are these guys giving each other?

By:|January 23, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Louis CK and History

Normally I'd never post a Tonight Show clip but it's Louis, man!

By:|January 23, 2013


Holy Taco Field Guide to Naming Groups of People

Crows come in a murder. Everyone is instantly amused when they learn this. Boars come in a sounder. Otters in a romp. Porcupines in a prickle. It’s no end of amusement to look up stuff like so long as you never question how this is official in any way or who decided on such names. But once you’ve exhausted the hilarity of groups of animals, what’s left?

By:|January 22, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Shiny Suds

I don't know how I missed this commercial but it's pretty much awesome. Now use the loofah.

By:|January 22, 2013


The American Idol Recap: Part 2

Once again I refuse to write anything down for about 20 minutes. Nicki Minaj is dressed like a gay leopard Sky Captain. I’m stating officially, right now, that I will not be able to continue this for a whole season. Why is this show on for another two hours the day after it was already on? This shit is going to be on the site on Monday because I have something else to put on on Friday.

By:|January 21, 2013


Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Jan 18th

It’s a new week and new contenders for the throne have reared their ugly heads. Who’s currently on the throne? Zero Dark Thirty, I think. I could look but what am I, a looker? Pfft.

By:|January 18, 2013