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The Morning Jolt: The Science of Ice Cream

True fact: I make that same sound if I'm making a joke about breast feeding.

By:|May 6, 2013


It’s Cinco de Mayo: Sink some Miracle Whip!

Being a vaguely Mexican-themed website as we are, obviously we’re going to do something for Cinco de Mayo. Thing is it’s Saturday and we never do anything on Saturday because we’re usually under house arrest on weekends.

By:|May 4, 2013


Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: May 3rd

What a joke of an article this is going to be, in stark contrast to the usual seriousness of a series that solely exists for me to judge movies I have never and in most cases will never watch. That said, this week is especially delightful because come on – you don’t need that fortune telling robot machine from Big to figure out what this week’s big winner will be. Nonetheless, I have a job to do. Onward!

By:|May 3, 2013


The Morning Jolt: How to Snapchat

This makes too much sense. Also, eggplant emoji.

By:|May 3, 2013


What To Do With a GoPro Camera

Some years ago I was given a GoPro camera and I promptly forgot I owned it and put it away somewhere only to just recently find it again. It’s a GoPro Hero HD 960 camera and its main purpose seems to be to take video from your POV while you dive into volcanoes or box robots in the middle of a sharknado (that’s a tornado made of sharks).

By:|May 2, 2013


The Morning Jolt: The Matrix According to Mom

Moshimo, you will be missed.

By:|May 2, 2013


Todd and the Book of Pure Evil and You

I need you to watch this clip from Todd and the Book of Pure Evil very carefully.

By:|May 1, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Pool Party

I keep telling people they need to come either hot tubbing or on water slides with me and this is why. But no one listens.

By:|May 1, 2013


5 Things Everything Must Like to Be Normal

In the 50s, if TV hasn’t lead me astray, everyone knew what normal was. Everyone wanted to be normal and abnormal was uncool. Then sometime in the 90s people started saying “what’s normal anyway?” and we decided to accept all kinds of insanity all the time because everyone is special and unique and wonderful. That may be, but if you want to be normal in the abnormal world, there are some things you need to conform to or else you’re just a weirdo that no one likes.

By:|April 30, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Arrested Development is Back

This is awesome and clearly I didn't even need to say that.

By:|April 30, 2013


25 Better Things to Watch Than An SNL Rerun

I’ve come to the conclusion that people watch Saturday Night Live out of habit. It’s been on TV since 1923 and it’s just always there and, honestly, nothing else new is on at 11:30 on a Saturday so people watch it in the hopes that it will be a funny episode. Episodes of SNL are funny as often as clovers have four leaves. It happens. Sometimes. Not often.

By:|April 29, 2013


The Morning Jolt: How American Idol Should Be Run

I put my heart and soul into every video I post.

By:|April 29, 2013


Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: April 26th

A few years ago, couldn’t say when exactly, May really became the month when studios started ushering out the big blockbusters. Summer has always been the season of huge film releases but the date of the year’s first big tentpole seems to always fall sometime in May. You’ll notice it’s not May yet. The last week of April is a squat toilet of movie despair.

By:|April 26, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Surstromming

There's a video making the rounds of some big dudes in Texas eating surstromming right now, but I thought I'd go with the original guys who eat anything and post the video from Cult Moo since they did this stuff two years ago. Check 'em out on Twitter, yo!

By:|April 26, 2013


Ranking 17 Super Mario Characters by Awesomeness

According to my research there are 713 different Mario games in existence probably. Like I’d really check. There are a lot of them, though, and they’ve been pretty much the foundation of everything Nintendo has done forever. Without Mario they have Link and a monkey who’s just waiting around for Mario. It’s a weird empire.

By:|April 25, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Boston Bombing Coverage Wrap Up

This is everything you need to know about the media coverage of what happened in Boston. Suck it, CNN and the internet.

By:|April 25, 2013


The Oldest Dildo in the World: A Perspective

It’s 28,000 years ago. Saber-toothed cats still exist. As do Neanderthals. Humanity is slowly establishing itself, art is being created, and tools. And in a cave, in what is present day Germany, someone stores their stone dildo. It’s about 8 inches long. It is carved from siltstone and polished smooth. Some Ice-Aged relative of modern man humped that stone willy for all it was worth.

By:|April 24, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Serenade

Dirty music is hilarious.

By:|April 24, 2013


5 Food Network Shows I Should Be On

I recently wrote about why I should be a judge on Iron Chef: America but let’s be honest – the Food Network has a whole schedule of shows that could benefit from my presence. Am I a classically trained chef? No. Am I a celebrity? No. Would people piss on me if I was on fire? Maybe.

By:|April 23, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Michael Shannon Sorority Letter

Michael Shannon Reads the Insane Delta Gamma Sorority Letter from Michael Shannon General Zod does an epic read of the crazy letter some sorority sister sent to the rest of the sorority when she was pissed about being an insane twat or whatever.

By:|April 23, 2013