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25-Truffle-Shuffles

25 Truffle Shuffles

The Truffle Shuffle helped make the Goonies into the cultural phenomenon it was and is. The movie turned 25 this year, so let's celebrate with the exploitation of fat people.

By:|June 24, 2010


holytaco

Fat to the Future

Fast food tells us that we are beautiful. Disagree? How impudent of you. But follow along. The fast food industry relies on you believing you’re wonderful and perfect because if you didn’t believe, on some level, you were not walking perfection, there’s no way you could stomach most of the fatty fat wads that serve as fast food menu items these days. A less than perfect person would look at a deep fried Mars bar wrapped in bacon and shame and think “man, that’s a slippery slope towards sleeping in a tub full of butter, I don’t think I can risk it.” But a more perfect individual, both physically and mentally, would think “meh, live a little. Not like it’ll kill me” when, in point of fact, yes, it probably will kill you. Shit.

By:|June 24, 2010


Anna-Kournikova-Pictures

Anna Kournikova Pictures

 Where You've Seen Her: We all know Anna Kournikova; she proves as long as you're ridiculously hot you can be mediocre at anything, like Pro Tennis.  And since the longest Wimbledon match ever took place yesterday, why not celebrate with some pics of the hottest girl in Tennis? Pointless Quote: "It's really important for me to not forget where I came from." 

By:|June 24, 2010


I-Always-Thought-They-Were-Missing-SomethingUntil-Now

I Always Thought They Were Missing Something…Until Now

 Hot Surfer Girls (TotalProSports) Is LeBron Coming To Chicago? (NQTC) Rihanna is so HOT (HMJ) Japan Has Perfected Flight (IAmBored) Victorian Star Wars (BuzzFeed) Heather Morris Hotness (GorillaMask) Keeley Hazell Hotness (TheChive) Porn vs Real Sex (Coed) Epic Fail Montage (Manofest) Tinsel Korey Hotness (Maxim) Dr. Tobias Manhattan (Unreality) Vanessa Bryant vs Chloe Kardashian (PopCrunch) Christina Henricks, Hot as Usual (Asylum) 'Predators' Goes International (ScreenJunkies)  

By:|June 23, 2010


holytaco

A Look To The Future: Apple

On that fateful day of April 1st, 1976, three men established a company that would later go on to radically alter the landscape of personal tech gadgets. Those three men were Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and some other dude that time has almost completely forgotten. We think his name may have been Oswalt. Or maybe Bill. The point is, no one is sure of what this guy did, but there’s a good chance that he’s now filthy rich, and his cultural obscurity has successfully shielded him from people walking up to him in a grocery store and asking if he can fix their iPhones. Unknown third parties aside, Apple has since grown in to one of the world’s leaders in over-priced-yet-pretty-cool gadgetry. From the iPod to the iPhone to the really big iPod/iPhone Apple calls the iPad, Apple computers has been forged the path in to the future – a future where humanity will be no smarter than it is today, but at least we’ll be able to touch all the fancy 1’s and 0’s that make up the online news papers we won’t be using, and all of the giggly boob’s applications that we will all totally be using all the time. Could this be the stark, immature vision of the future that Apple will help foster? Yes. Undeniably, yes.

By:|June 23, 2010


holytaco

Taxi Driver: Origins

Kid Loses Fight To Speed Bag - Watch more Funny Videos Hot Asians for the World Cup (TotalProSports)Basketballs Hottest Females (BleacherReport)Seinfeld vs Lady Gaga (BuzzFeed)Brianna Lee Hotness (GorillaMask)Emily Skye Anderson Hotness (Coed)The Hottest Gamer Girl Out There (TheChive)Etch-A-Sketches Finest (SuperTremendous)Disney Stories Based On R-Rated Material (Cracked)Hayden Pannetiere Is Tiny (HollywoodTuna)Hot Girls on the Internets (DoubleViking)The Most Disgusting Cocktail You've Ever Tasted (MadeMan)James Toney on Couture (CagePotato) 

By:|June 23, 2010


Maggie-Grace-Pictures

Maggie Grace Pictures

 Where You've Seen Her: Maggie Grace is best known for being the bitchy skank in Lost who got it on with her Stepbrother.  Moral of the story?  Don't get it on with your hot stepsister, because you'll die, and then she'll die, and neither of you will make it through the entire length of one of Televisions most prized shows. Pointless Quote: "High Heels can be sexy.  But before you leave the house, make sure you can walk in them.  I've made that mistake." 

By:|June 23, 2010


Dont-Mess-Draco

Don’t Mess with The Draco

 Hot Asian Soccer Fans (TotalProSports)Joakim Noah: A Day in the Life (NQTC)Girls You Can't Afford (WildAmmo)Best Hot Chick POV Ever (TheChive)Sisterhood of the Fighting Grannies (BuzzFeed)Model Alexia Hotness (GorillaMask)72 Baywatch Babes (Coed)Hot Girl vs Facebook (Manofest)Rachel Maddow: Jedi (Unreality)Beware The Killer Boobs (IAmBored)Nicole Scheringzer Hotness (Maxim)Ashley Tisdale Retires From Being Hot (DailyRevelry)7 Memorable Reunion Movies (ScreenJunkies) 

By:|June 22, 2010


holytaco

Balls Out: The Ballsiest Holy Taco Fan Tribute Contest

We know you love Holy Taco, a quick glimpse at the comments on any article makes it apparent we’re more loved than Jesus and Buddha riding unicorns down mainstreet tossing out prophylactics and dollar coins. But we need constant validation of that love and for that reason we’re presenting you, our fans, with a task. Give unto us a fan tribute. But not just any fan tribute…oh no.The time has come to demonstrate your testicular fortitude, kids. Deep in the recesses of the Holy taco offices we got our hands on the most intense iPhone accessory man has ever dared dream into reality – Phoneballs. They’re balls for your phone. Did you read that? We’ll type it again to spare your eyes the effort of looking left – they are balls for your phone. Look at the balls! 

By:|June 22, 2010


holytaco

The Birth Control Conversations Real Women Have When They’re Not In A Birth Control Commercial

Having a doctor dryly tell you about the risks of using a specific type of birth control can be dull, right ladies? (We’re going to assume you agree and continue on with the article). Birth control companies know this, so they attempted to dress up all the boring health risk and science talk in the form of “normal women” having a highly detailed conversations about the tiny, tiny specifics of a certain brand of contraceptive. This was the stupidest thing these companies had ever done. No human sounds like the women in those commercials do. It’s as if they live in a dystopian sci-fi future, where contraceptive companies plant advertizing robots in to groups of girlfriends to lure them in to their brand. It’s all awkward and far too professional. When real human females gather together, the conversations about birth control sound a little bit different. A little less clean. A little less structured. And a lot more like this…

By:|June 22, 2010


holytaco

It Was Deliberate

Chubby B-Boy's Self KO - Watch more Funny Videos Hot Girls and Vuvuzelas (TotalProSports)Who Has the Hottest Cheerleaders? (BleacherReport)Maury Povich Wants You To Break Up (BuzzFeed)Hot Suzy Hotness (GorillaMask)Soccer Bodypaint Babes (Coed)Super Mario Beatbox (TheChive)The Funniest Movie Credits of All Time (SuperTremendous)The Hottest Infomercial Babes Of All Time (BroBible)Learn About Fear With Steve Brule (AdultSwim)Alessandra Ambrosio is Sexy as Always (TotallyCrap)Fedora Enjoys Feeding Birds (CagePotato)The Best American WAGs of Today (MadeMan)

By:|June 22, 2010


holytaco

The Inner Monologue of a Gold Digger on Her Wedding Night to a 90 Year Old Millionaire

That ceremony took forever. The priest was almost as old as this guy and I think he may have had a stroke during the ring exchange. And what was that smell? It was like menthol cigarettes and baby powder. Is that the smell of death? God, I hope I never get old.Alright, just gotta man up here. This is it. The last speed bump on my road to easy street. If I go through with this, I’m set. I’ll be rich. And how bad could it be? I packed two bottles of Scope, a toothbrush, bleach and some Magic Erasers. It’ll be fine. I’ve done worse things, probably.

By:|June 22, 2010


holytaco

How to Impress Women With Your iPhone

 This guest article was written by Dan Seitz, whose iPhone gets more chicks than he does. The latest iPhone has just been debuted at Apple's Worldwide Developer's Conference, and it is, of course, smaller, smarter, and sexier than the last iPhone.  If the old iPhone was Amgelina Jolie, the new iPhone is a midget Angelina Jolie with a PhD. It's that sexy  part this article will be concerned with: the new iPhone might as well come with a panty-removal app, if you know how to use it.  If not, there’s always Tetris.  But try these steps first, just for kicks.

By:|June 22, 2010


holytaco

25 Chicks in Granny Panties

You know what looks better on a woman than a nice, big pair of granny panties?  Pretty much anything.  But some chicks choose to rock them anyway. 

By:|June 22, 2010


Vanessa-Carlton-Pictures

Vanessa Carlton Pictures

 Where You've Seen Her: Vanessa Carlton is a grammy nominated singer/songwriter who's also an accomplished Pianist.  She also just announced she's Bisexual, and since all straight girls are inherently bisexual, this means 1) She needs Attention, 2) She needs Attention, and/or 3) She's really a lesbian. Pointless Quote: "C'est La Vie, that's what "Fuck It" means in French to me." 

By:|June 22, 2010


Yager-Bombloon

Yager Bombloon!

 Hot Girl Blowing the Vuvuzela (TotalProSports) Star Trek Tik Tok (HMJ) Another Hot Grindin' Girl (NQTC) Behold The Bravest Protester On Earth (IAmBored) Ever Had Rainbow Bacon? (BuzzFeed) Dallys Ferreira Hotness (GorillaMask) Dead Sexy Footballers (TheChive) Soccers Bodypainted Babes (Coed) Get Terminator Insurance Now (Manofest) Emmanuelle Chirqui Hotness (Maxim) German Makes General Grievous Costume (Unreality) Teri Hatcher and Justin Bieber? (PopCrunch) Chicks Dig Romantic Music (Asylum) Kubrick vs Scorcese (ScreenJunkies)  

By:|June 21, 2010


holytaco

The Porn Time Management Pie Chart

By:|June 21, 2010


holytaco

Totally BS Profile of Amanda Bynes

 Amanda Bynes first rose to fame at the age of 10 on the Nickelodeon show "All That."  From there, she eventually landed her own show, the creatively named "The Amanda Show" and went on to star in a bunch of movies we've never seen. But now, it may all be over.  The 24 year old star recently announced on Twitter that acting is no longer fun and therefore she's not going to do it anymore.  Shocking news, to be sure.  To get a few more details about the motivation behind this surprising decision, we didn't sit down with Amanda Bynes.  But here's what it would have looked like if we did, probably.

By:|June 21, 2010


holytaco

The Schedule Of A Pagan Celebrating The Solstice

It’s Monday, June 21st, which means summer has officially begun for us in the Northern Hemisphere. Soon, beaches and lakes across America will be loaded with greased-up douche bags that want to hit on your girlfriend and/or female family members, and you will realize that you will be powerless to stop them. But that’s what the first day of summer means for you. For pagans, today is a joyous celebration of the longest day of the year. Millions of pagans above the equator are gathering together to view the sunrise and sunsets as their feeble, vegan bodies glisten with liberal smatterings of petuli oil. To help you better understand how important the summer solstice is for pagans, we’ve managed to get our hands on the day planner of an industrious pagan named Daisy to examine the hectic schedule of someone that worships the sun.

By:|June 21, 2010


holytaco

Nothing To See Here — Nothing At All

Guard Passes Out During Royal Wedding - Watch more Funny Videos LAPD Loves Busting Balls (TotalProSports)Who Has the Hottest Cheerleaders? (BleacherReport)Piano Playing Pig (BuzzFeed)Hot Santana Girl Hotness (GorillaMask)World Cup Body Paint Bonanza (Coed)Candace Swanpoel Hotness (TheChive)25 Great Etch-A-Sketches (SuperTremendous)What They Didn't Teach You In School (Cracked)Ashley Greene is Eternally Hot (HollywoodTuna)Hot Girls on the Internets (DoubleViking)The Hottest American WAGs (MadeMan)Jon Jones and His Long Arms (CagePotato) 

By:|June 21, 2010