Holy Taco

Ashanti

 Where You've Seen Her: Ashanti looks a lot like Beyonce, and is a lot like Beyonce, but she's not Beyonce.  But she is attractive and strangely enough enjoys playing Magic The Gathering which is kind of weird but cool nonetheless.  She's performed songs that have rocked the charts, and songs that haven't made them at all.  Overall, Ashanti is a strangely dynamic artist. Pointless Quote: "I would take all the guys I know and get them waxed...to show them what it feels like" 

By:|June 5, 2009

Justin And Justin: Welcome Back

Here at Holy Taco, we frequently get off topic when we're discussing things.  Today Justin Thomas and Justin Halpern had a lively conversation over AIM that pretty much sums up what we do 8 hours a day. 

By:|June 4, 2009

What Gives You The RIght To Call Him – Oh, Wait.

 Listen, kids, this is an important message.  As a child, you're going to be called a homo, several times.  It's just something that is going to happen, like puberty, or an NFL wide receiver raping someone.  But the most important thing you must remember, is saying "don't call me a homo" makes people want to call you a homo.  And making a video telling people to not call you a homo, makes millions of people want to call you a homo.  It's just the Law of Homo.   Assault, Doggie Style (SickPigs) Choose Your Own Adventure On Drugs (Cracked) What Traditional Marriage Is (IHeartChaos) Pauly Shore In Three Jokes (ScreenJunkies) Rick Santorum Dating Advice (Asylum) The Tetris Orgy (TotallyCrap) The Cops Are At It Again (NothingToxic) Multiple Angles Of Kim Ks Ass (CelebrityOdor) Dancing Yeti Man (IAmBored) Chick Fight! (CelebSlam) Soccer Hooligan Humps Reporter (Manofest) Watch Out For The Clothesline (AfroJacks) The Amazing Click-A-Chick (BustedCoverage)  

By:|June 4, 2009

Suzana Alves

 Where You've Seen Her: Suzana Alves is Catwoman's kinky Brazilian cousin you've always wanted to hook up with.  A model and actress in Brazil, she's starred in several scripted shows as well as reality programs.  She really likes being Catwoman's kinky cousin. Pointless: "I've always liked being on camera" 

By:|June 4, 2009

A Recent Graduate’s Twitter Page

It's graduation time again, and that means that thousands of young, educated people are being commended for their accomplishments, and then released into the real world to survive on their own, which is exactly what happened to Ice-T in Surviving the Game, right before a bunch of crazy guys began hunting him in the woods.  The post-graduation world can be a scary and intimidating place to a new-comer, but this Recent Graduate's Twitter Feed should shed some light on the realities of life after graduation:  

By:|June 3, 2009

This Kid Has Overcome Extreme Obstacles to be Gangsta

There was a Tweety Bird cartoon a long time ago, where Tweety got a hold of some magic potion that turned him into a monster, or a "weretweety" of some sort.  The hard, thuggish, progeriatric kid in this video dubs himself "Chicken Little", and a few other pseudonyms that I can't understand, but if I were him, I think I would call myself "WereTweety", or something like that.  Not because he reminds me of a cartoon canary monster necessarily, but just because I think it's a cool name.  Aside from that, this kid seems like he'd be difficult to hang out with for a number of reasons.  Yo word niggas - Watch more Funny Videos

By:|June 2, 2009

How To Order a Phonebook Hooker

 As you may have noticed, Craigslist recently abolished their "Erotic Services" section. Don't worry, though: the Sex-for-Money business will always persevere, even if it means that we have to revert back to the ancient way of doing things, the way that our fathers and our fathers' fathers did it, by utilizing a resource that has always been there for us: the phonebook.   It's important to use caution when proceeding with a phonebook hooker, to avoid getting ripped off, robbed, beaten, or even killed in your own home with your pants around your ankles.  However, by following these simple steps, you to can safely and easily access the calloused touch of a lady of the night. STEP 1: Be Drunk There's a good chance that if you've made the decision to call a hooker from a phonebook, you're probably extremely drunk.  If you're not, then you should quickly drink as much as is humanly possible, and don't stop until your doorbell rings.  This is going to make the ensuing sh*t storm easier to weather, and it's going to greatly assist your ability to find the troglodyte that limps into your apartment jst bearable enough to tolerate, because she's going to look like something that Rob Zombie drew on a Denny's napkin.  

By:|June 2, 2009

If Classic Works of Art Were Made Today: Volume 2

Being an artist is all about inspiration.  A while back, we decided to take a look at some classic works of art and determine what would inspire those same artists today.  Well, the world has changed a lot since that post, so we decided to do it again.  Here are 7 more works of art that we feel would probably come out differently if they were made today. 7.  ORIGINAL - Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel Cherubs   TODAY - Michelangelo's Greek Night Club Cherubs  6. ORIGINAL - Lord Frederick Leighton's Elijah in the Wilderness  TODAY - Lord Frederick Leighton's Kobe on Temptation Island  

By:|June 2, 2009

Gillette Makes the Perfect Razor…for Your Balls

Here's how I imagine the pitch meeting for this video went: GUY:  "Okay, Mr. Gillette, so you wanna sell more razors, right? Well I'll tell ya where there's a lot of hair: on the balls! Am I right?  So why don't people buy more of your razors to shave their balls, huh? I'll tell ya why: because they're afraid they'll chop off their d*ck!  So we'll show 'em how to use your razor to shave their balls.  It's as simple as that." BOSS:".....Get out of my office." GUY: "We can say it makes your d*ck look bigger." BOSS:  "Sold."   How To Shave Your Groin - Shaving Tips From Gillette - Watch more Funny Videos Bruno Teabags Eminem (SickPigs)Nature Is Too Pretty (Cracked)The Urinal Shower (IHeartChaos)Townsend Coleman Speaks (ScreenJunkies)Bikini Girls Boosting Cars (BlogOfHilarity)Talking Makes Dudes Stupider (Asylum)The Rapping Flight Attendant (TotallyCrap)Chinese Girl Gets Knocked Out (NothingToxic)Jessica Alba Cleavage (CelebrityOdor)The Ghetto Fabulous Prom (IAmBored)Hardly Cracking (CollegeHumor)Paris Being Hot Again (CelebSlam)

By:|June 2, 2009

Stephanie Rice

 Where You've Seen Her: Stephanie Rice is a swimming goddess.  Winning an Olympic gold medal has made her an athletic icon.  She also posed in a really hot policewoman outfit at a party as well that became a big deal in her homeland of Australia, and an even bigger one here in the states. Pointless Quote: "I'm looking forward to seeing how much faster I can go and edging myself closer to being number one in the world."  

By:|June 2, 2009

A Tribute to Men Staring at Boobs

Men like staring at boobs and butts.  That's just a scientific fact.  Everyone has stolen a tantalizing glance at a nice rack or an amazing posterior at least once in their life.  Fortunately for the rest of us, some of these epic boob/ass stares have been documented via photograph and published to the internet for all to see, and we've taken the liberty of gathering some of the best boob and ass stares into one awesome collection.       

By:|June 1, 2009

5 People You Meet on a High School Football Team

A Very Special Guest Article by Casey O'Donnell Nothing prepares you for the outside world quite like high school football, because it teaches you that there’s always someone better than you at your job, and in the end you just wish you could just leave and go smoke pot under some bleachers.  So, in an effort to really explore what we learned from playing high school football, we decided to look at five types of people on a high school football team, and where they are now. The Meathead  The Meathead is the guy on the team who is abnormally large and/or strong for his age, and therefore has been on the Varsity squad since he was a freshman.  For him, the high school population is broken down in to three simple categories: “people I can pick up and lift over my head”, “f*&kin fags”, and “people I want to stick my penis in.”   Sometimes, all three of those are the same person, but you probably won’t find that out until the reunion years later.  Normally, the Meathead is easy enough to manage; just apply the same rules to him that you would apply to a grizzly bear: try to observe him at a distance, and if you have to go near him, make sure he’s really sleepy or he just ate. What He’s Doing Now:  Lives within an 11 block radius of the school, with awife who was incredibly hot in high school, but three kids later looks like JohnGoodman after getting kicked out of a corndog eating contest.Mr. Perfect   It’s like he was built in a lab by Disney, then sent to MTV to make sure he was attractive, but still effeminate enough for parents to like him.  He has a girlfriend, but he doesn’t f*&k her because "it makes baby jesus cry."  She just gives him HJ's after the game, because baby jesus is cool with that. He’s got a scholarship to a division one school, and says shit like, “I’m going to buy my mom a house as soon as I get in the NFL.” Then you see him freshman year of college, and he’s drunk in the corner of an apartment complex pointing out a woman who’s hair he splooged in, and offers to show you the videotape. What He’s Doing Now: He’s either a total burn out who smokes weed and askspeople to, “Prove to me the government isn’t responsible for 9/11. YOU proveto ME!”, or he’s a real estate agent who has an incredibly creepy photo ofhimself on every bus stop bench. The Coach’s Son  

By:|June 1, 2009

Sports Illustrated is Getting Weird…

 Jake And Amirs Coma (CollegeHumor)8 Terrifying Instruments For Your Dong (Cracked)Osbourne In Helsinki 1989 (IHeartChaos)The Townsend Coleman Interview (ScreenJunkies)9 Female Assassins (Asylum)Bull Fighter Gets Owned (TotallyCrap)Teenage Cat Fight (NothingToxic)Tila Tequila Steals Your Girlfriend (CelebrityOdor)Crazy Class Prank (IAmBored)Phil Spector Is In Jail (Celebslam) Sluts At The Exotica Show (DrunkenStepfather)Willa Ford Lingerie Gallery (HornyOyster)Bus Driver Runs Over Soccer Fans (WithLeather)Janice Dickinson Is NUTS (DonChavez) 

By:|June 1, 2009

MILF Monday: Catherine Bell

 Where You've Seen Her: Catherine Bell has made a name for herself in such shows as JAG and Army Wives.  And being the hot military woman seems to suit her quite well, and probably got a lot of dudes to join too. MILF Status: Catherine has a daughter named Gemma, which is Italian for Strong. 

By:|June 1, 2009

Sesame Street Taught Us Everything We Know

When I first watched this clip, I thought "Huh. That's weird.  I don't remember Sesame Street being so dirty."  Then I realized that I say all of the words in this clip much more than I actually use any letters of the alphabet, or numbers, or anything else like that.  So maybe Sesame Street did teach me something, after all.  

By:|May 31, 2009

Summer: The Best Time to Fail Miserably

By:|May 30, 2009

Drunken Argument Friday: Prosthetic Hand or Hook Hand?

 If there's one thing guys like to do, it's drink.  If there's two things they like to do, it's drink, and argue about things. This is what men do.  One thing we often argue about (and we're sure you do, too) is prosthetic limbs. This Week's Drunken Argument: If you have to get a prosthetic arm, which is better: a Bionic Hand, or a Hook Hand? Drunken Argument for the Bionic Hand:  We can both agree that it would suck to have a prosthetic limb, and we're very thankful and fortunate to have both of our arms fully intact.  However, if you have to get a prosthetic hand, you gotta go with Bionic Hand, other hand down.  First off, it's called "Bionic", and I don't know exactly what that entails, but I know for sure that everything else I've ever seen that's "bionic" is super cool, and can do things that its normal counterpart can't do.  Like The Bionic Man, who's better than a normal man.  Also, this hand has fingers that you can somehow control...Bionic Fingers.  I don't know how it works, but that's for the doctor who gives me the Bionic Hand to explain.  The point is, fingers can do some pretty sweet things that a hook can't do.  You can flip someone off, which is also known as "giving someone the finger", which you can't do with a hook hand, which is why it's not called "giving someone the hook hand".  In fact, giving someone the finger with a Bionic Hand will probably be even more potent, because it'll be a Bionic Finger.  Again, I have no idea what that means. I just know that it's way better than a normal finger.  Also, let us not forget Bionic Masturbation, which sounds awesome. 

By:|May 29, 2009

Venn Diagrams of Popular Movies and Their Black Counterparts

A Very Special Guest Article by Casey O'Donnell People are always finding ways to make things more accessible to their particular culture.  Take the taco, for example: Hispanic cultures have been eating delicious tacos for a long time, but then some Americans got a hold of it and said, "y'know what the problem with this taco is? It's not a salad!", and lo and behold, the Taco Salad was born.  This seems to happen a lot with popular movies, too.  With that in mind, we decided to use venn diagrams to compare and contrast some famous movies and their black counterparts.       

By:|May 29, 2009

Sex Is Not Supposed to Be Fun For Women

When I lived in Chicago, there was a guy who lived in the building across the street from me that looked exactly like the guy in this video, and that guy used to have a bad habit: he would masturbate out the window.  I would be sitting there watching TV in my living room, and then something would catch my eye out the window and, without thinking about how this had happened many times before, I would glance over to see this dude vigorously jerking off onto the heads (and umbrellas) of pedestrians below.  It was pretty gross.  A couple of times I just opened up my window and yelled "stop masturbating out the window!", which would freak out the people on the sidewalk below, but never seemed to deter him from taking care of business.  The guy in this video is Dutch, so they're probably not the same person, but if I ever managed to have a conversation with Window Spooge Guy, I'm pretty sure that he would say things exactly like this.   Sex is not supposed to be fun for women - Watch more Funny Videos Luigi Snaps! (CollegeHumor) Hang It Pic (Urlesque) 12 Stories On Band Names (Cracked) Shaving The Crotch (IHeartChaos) The Best Reality Shows Of '09 (ScreenJunkies) Hot Model Michaiah (BullzEye) Hefner And His Hookers (DrunkenStepfather) Body Paint Bonanza! (EJB) Mary Castro is HOT (GorillaMask) Sexy Jessica DeSantis Gallery (AskMen) Amazing Monkey Moment (EvilChili) If Kenny Powers Was A Bisnatch (FilmDrunk) Natasha Mealey Is A Babe (DoubleViking) Kristin Cavallari's smoking bod (HollywoodTuna) Sexy Megan Fox Photoshoot (TheDailyFix) Tatas Are For Thursday (Funtasticus) A Madonna Painting Your Should Buy (TheBlemish) Todays Sex Game Is... (FListed)

By:|May 29, 2009

Kelly Hu

 Where You've Seen Her: Kelly Hu is a model/actress who got her big break getting cast aside Kirk Cameron in Growing Pains.  As she got older, she ended up getting the badass hot chick roles in movies like Scorpion King and Cradle 2 The Grave 2.  Yes, there is a Cradle 2 The Grave 2. Pointless Quote: "Growing Pains Was What It Was" 

By:|May 28, 2009