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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: Feb. 22nd

Last week, Bruce Willis fisted the competition into submission just as we all knew he would. You could film Bruce Willis trying different brands of spray-on hair for two hours, call it Die Hard and a Side of Flap Jacks and it’d still be number one the week it opened. This week it looks like most film studios didn’t give a shit and they’re willing to bend over for the Rock. Let’s look.

By:|February 22, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: BURN!!

The expression on her face when she realizes what happened at about 1:25 is just stunning.

By:|February 22, 2013


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9 of the Most Depressing Fetishes Ever

Fetishes make the world go ‘round and everyone is into something. You prefer blondes, you prefer big boobs, you like honey mustard on your taint, whatever. Most fetishes (not all. Never all. But most) are perfectly OK. It’s a harmless quirk that turns your crank, so good for you.

By:|February 21, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Bill Burr Explains How John Lennon and Yoko

Bill Burr is not wrong.

By:|February 21, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Karma, Skater Hater

Considering how many kids in the world are total assholes, this lady should be lucky to have to deal with kids who skateboard and don't even swear at her, or touch her, when she was being a royal twat. Sorry about your face at the end there, Speedy. Maybe put your shoes on when you go dancing next time.

By:|February 20, 2013


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11 Terrible Jokes

Why does Peter Pan fly? You’d fly too if someone hit you in the peter with a pan.

By:|February 20, 2013


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The 9 Worst Moves in all of Wrestling

Nothing about modern Western civilization is more confusing than professional wrestling. It makes no sense in layered, complex ways. Like a dog using a lawnmower makes no sense, but pro wrestling is so all over the board and confusing in so many ways you would be forgiven if you thought the whole thing was a big joke. And yet it’s not. I can’t explain it. Anyway, here’s some of the lame crap that passes for moves in wrestling. Don’t ask, just go with it.

By:|February 19, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: The Last Harlem Shake

I trust this puts an end to it.

By:|February 19, 2013


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The 7 Best Fake Presidents of All Time

Washington? Lincoln? JFK? Pretenders to the throne . The best Presidents have always been fictional because reality lacks panache. These are the best Presidents film has to offer. Behold!

By:|February 18, 2013


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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Feb 15th

I have no idea what he deal is this week since a bunch of movies open on Valentine’s Day which is the 14th and why the hell would you open a movie on a Thursday? Are they expecting a lot of movie dates that night and, if so, who the hell is having a romantic evening with John McClane? Whatevs.

By:|February 15, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Meteor!

You've probably seen this everywhere already but look at it! LOOK AT IT OH MY GOD IT'S INSANE!!!

By:|February 15, 2013


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My Perfect Valentine’s Day Night

Put my foot in your mouth, internet.

By:|February 14, 2013


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Holy Taco’s Last Minute Valentines

Print 'em and give 'em away to your loved ones!

By:|February 14, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Happy Valentine’s Day

This is the most romantic damn thing I have ever heard. Yes, I've posted it like 4 times. Because I love love. Happy Valentine's Day!

By:|February 14, 2013


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6 Reality Shows That Need to Exist

Reality TV is preposterous. It’s never been real, it’s clearly not going away and it just mocks us all the time. Mocks our apathy, mocks out stupidity, mocks the way we just won’t turn it off. And even if you do turn it off, and I turn it off, 1,000 idiots will be watching and live tweeting how much they love it with all the finesse of loquacious apes.

By:|February 13, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Bill Burr on Lance Armstrong

This is basically the final word on Lance Armstrong.

By:|February 13, 2013


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5 Cheeses That Need to Be Made

Cheese making is probably pretty simple. I’ve never endeavored to make much cheese, but I have tried once. I made some homemade marscapone. It tasted kind of like off yogurt. But the point is I did it and could probably do it again. Cheese was invented before the wheel, I think, how hard can it be? That said, despite the long, splendid history of cheese, I can’t help but notice how lazy most cheesemakers are.

By:|February 12, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Billy the Fridge

You don't even have to like rap to appreciate a fat guy who calls himself "The Fridge" and wears a donut on a chain.

By:|February 12, 2013


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The Campaign to make me an Iron Chef Judge

Hey Iron Chef producers, what’s up? My name is Ian Fortey and I am the managing editor here at Holy Taco. I also edit content for Break.com and was once a columnist on Cracked.com. I’m so famous on the internet that total strangers have sent me hate mail. Not too shabby, eh?

By:|February 11, 2013


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The Moning Jolt: When Awful Attacks

That thing is like the size of a ham.

By:|February 11, 2013


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