Sometimes you can’t judge a book by its cover. And you probably shouldn’t judge a child molester by his T-shirt, either. That’s what judges in Michigan are for. According to the Washington Post:

NOVI, Mich. — A 33-year-old Michigan man is accused of wearing a “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt to a meeting for sex with what he thought was a 14-year-old girl.

Daniel Allen Everett of Clarkston was arraigned Tuesday in Novi (NOE’-veye) on charges of child sexual abuse and using the Internet to attempt child sexual abuse.

A spokesman for Attorney General Mike Cox could not confirm whether Everett has children. But Cox says in a statement that the arrest is a reminder that “a parent can pose a threat to our children.”

I guess it’s really not surprising that a child molester doesn’t have any class or tact when choosing his wardrobe for underaged sex meetings. Although, on the other hand, I bought my grandfather a “world’s greatest grandpa” coffee mug when I was 10 years old. But he at least had the decency to not drink from it while he was touching my butthole. (That’s just a joke, my grandfather never touched my butthole. I love you, Grandpa!)

Thanks to Steven S for sending in.

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In honor of last night’s 14 million hour long All-Star Game, write a caption for the photo of the manly baseball fan and you could win….a football game! That’s right, you can win EA’s new NCAA Football 09. It’s like baseball, but it’s better (because it’s football.) As usual, leave your captions in the comments section. Winners will be notified by Holy Taco.

See last week’s winners after the jump:
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From G’s To Gents - Watch more free videos

Okay, every 20 years or so, a show comes along that represents what we as Americans stand for. And that show is “From G’s to Gents”. The show premiered last night on MTV and is executive produced by Jamie Foxx who is proving that having an Academy Award means you can film a giraffe taking a dump and TV execs will love it. Just watch the trailer and soak in all the awesomeness this show has. I love how every douchebag keeps talking about himself being a “G” and it’s all badass and mansion-style thug life up front, then it segues into the orchestra music and tears. I can’t even tell you what my favorite part is because it’s all great.

So if you’re wanting more of an inside scoop on the show — as I’m sure you do — host Fonzworth Bentley did an interview with nymag.com. Who the hell is Fonzworth Bentley, you ask? Well, aside from being the possible love child of the Fonz and Ms. Butterworth, he was apparently Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy’s assistant for a while and is the dude always wearing a suit made for a chick and carrying an umbrella at awards shows I never watch. The goal is for Fonzworth to take these rough around the edges “street” types and hone them into croquette-playing, merlot-drinking pretentious types. He has them pledge to the Gentleman’s Club and when they don’t use the right salad fork or something, they lose their membership. Genius television.

A few of my favorite exchanges from the interview are after the jump.
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The World’s Worst Stripper - Watch more free videos

Or is she the greatest? To be honest, I’m really on the fence with this one. What she lacks in sex appeal and overall attractiveness, she makes up for in umm…well, she can rhyme “Gloria” with “cock-sucking warrior.” And that’s gotta be worth something.

There are a lot of really amazing things going on in this video. It may take a few extra viewings to really appreciate all of the subtle nuances that Sandy Kane brings to the table. (Warning: Don’t touch the table. It might be gonorrhea.)

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Yogi Berra and Sarah Jessica Parker - Watch more free videos

During last night’s All-Star Game, Joe Buck was interviewing Yogi Berra in the booth and Yogi started complaining about all the photo ops he had to do. Buck asked him about Sarah Jessica Parker and Yogi responded, “She’s not bad.” Which is a compliment, when you consider that she is very very bad.

While this may seem like a nonchalant jab, it is clearly a payback for a problem Yogi had with the Sex and the City wenches back in 2005. According to TheSmokingGun:

JANUARY 31–Claiming that his good name has been sullied by a “Sex and the City” advertisement, baseball legend Yogi Berra has sued Turner Broadcasting System for $10 million.

In the below New York State Supreme Court complaint, Berra, 79, contends that TBS improperly used his name in outdoor ads (on buses and subway kiosks) promoting the cable channel’s reruns of the racy HBO show starring Sarah Jessica Parker.

Noting that he is a married grandfather and a “deeply religious man who has maintained and continues to maintain a moral lifestyle,” the former New York Yankee claims that he has been tainted by the ad, which references the loose lifestyle of “Sex” character Samantha, portrayed by Kim Cattrall.

The offensive ads, Berra reported, sought the definition of the term “Yogasm.” One of the possible definitions listed in the ad was, “b) sex with Yogi Berra.” The correct answer was “c) what Samantha has with a guy from yoga class.”

I would’ve liked to have seen the “deeply religious” Yogi walking down the street and seeing an ad for a show he’s never heard of featuring four whores talking about having sex with him. Did he immediately start asking people on the street questions like, “Why are those harlots talking about having sex with me?” and “What’s Yoga?” and “Is that one a man?” or if he waited until he got home to ask those questions.

Other crap to look at:
Davina Taylor is topless. No, really. (drunkenstepfather)
Sofia Georgiou is attractive (cameltap)
Ramona Chorleau? Also attractive (gorillamask)
Sexy Victoria’s Secret backstage pics (hornyoyster)
Ichiro has a potty mouth (withleather)
Please stop humping the midget (donchavez)
Bad karaoke is better than good karaoke (comedy.com)
Something interesting happened on The McLaughlin Group (BestWeekEver)

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Age: 32

Where you’ve seen her: If you’re a wrestling fan, you’ve probably seen Torrie Wilson smashing chairs over other wrestler’s heads in the WWE since 1999. If you’re a Playboy fan, you probably saw her in Playboy back in 2004. If you’re a fan of both, I want to hang out with you. You sound awesome.

Pointless quote: I was dating a guy that was a huge wrestling fan and I’m embarrassed to say it now but I used to make fun of him for watching it.

And here’s a classic bonus video for all the wrestling fans out there:

WRESTLING FAN - Watch more free videos

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The best non-sport college sports (uncoached)

Selma Blair makes out with plastic (celebnewswire)

Top ten two-headed animals (i-am-bored)

Product of the Day: Sh*tBegone Toilet Paper (gigglesugar)

Former Family Ties star is a douche (People)

Drunk History (comedy.com)

Denise Richards topless and chasing the paparazzi (drunkenstepfather)

Stacy Keibler eBay bikini auction (bustedcoverage)

Megan Fox wants to get naked (coedmagazine)

Lindsay Lohan’s juicy boobs (hollywoodtuna)

Where Are They Now: 6 “Stars” of Embarrassing Viral Videos (cracked)

Modern Bible (college humor)

The ‘Most Expensive Desktop Computer’ Kind of Sucks

Must-See: Highlight-Reel Knockouts

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Flinstones penis joke - Watch more free videos

It really doesn’t take much to amuse me. Anything having to do with bodily fluids or crippled people falling down usually does it for me. And we’ve all had our kicks from cranking the volume/jockeying the slo-mo on Disney cartoons over the years to get in on the voice actors’ and cartoonists’ pervy parts, like Aladdin telling kids to take it off, the priest having an erection in The Little Mermaid, or “sex” spelled out in the dust from The Lion King.

But the subliminal stuff can be too much work, especially since I was working with a VCR back in the day with my dad screaming, “You skipped it again, you queer!” over my shoulder. I like the obvious stuff, say…oh, like Fred and Barney making an old fashioned penis joke. Those two bastards certainly did have a gay old time.

Via collegehumor

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Hey, you know that song “I Kissed a Girl” that your chick plays constantly and you hate, but you pretend to like it because you hope she’s into it? The singer’s name is Katy Perry and she just got asked which chick she wants to smooch for real. Dear God, I can barely contain myself:

“Miley Cyrus!” she says in the latest issue of Steppin’ Out magazine. “She’s the lucky girl. It’s cool to hear through the grapevine that Miley Cyrus has my song as her ring tone.”

Perry, 23, will attend August’s Teen Choice Awards, which Cyrus, 15, is hosting.

“Maybe we’ll have another Britney-Madonna moment on stage,” Perry joked. “How hilarious would that be? Although I don’t think it would help her career. However, it would definitely help mine!”

“Yeah, hilarious!” said dudes around the world as they dumped pitchers of iced water down their pants while crossed their fingers. I am so f-ing serious right now, this had better not be a joke. This would be like that kid who thought he was getting an Xbox 360 for Christmas and then when he opens it, it’s just a box with clothes in it and his family laughs at him while he cries. You don’t joke about certain things and two chicks (especially when even though one is fifteen) twisting tongues is probably tops on the list. Even if someone called and told me my mom knocked over a liquor store and took hostages in order to commit suicide by cop, then said “Just kidding!” three hours later, I would be less pissed than a promise of a two-chick kiss that doesn’t happen.

Damn, now I’m sweating a little.

By the way, for all you guys wanting to go to prison asap, open your windows and play this video at full volume. If you need me, I’ll be busy photoshopping Billy Ray out of those Vanity Fair pics.

Via usmagazine.com

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Normally I feel bad when I hear that someone has been struck by a terrible affliction like blindness or leukemia or cottage cheese thighs. But not this time. According to Reuters:

MOSCOW - Dozens of partygoers at an outdoor rave near Moscow last week have lost partial vision after a laser light show burned their retinas, Russian health officials said on Monday.

“They all have retinal burns, scarring is visible on them. Loss of vision in individual cases is as high as 80 percent, and regaining it is already impossible,” Kommersant quoted a treating ophthalmologist as saying.

“After three days I decided to go to the hospital. They examined me, asked if I had been at Open Air, and then put me straight in the hospital. I didn’t even get to go home and get my stuff,” he said.

Oh no! He couldn’t even go home to get his stuff? How was he going to make it in the hospital without his precious ecstasy or his precious glow sticks or his oversized pants or his stupid pacifier or his neon headband?

Losing your eyesight at a rave is about as lame as losing your hearing at a Jefferson Starship concert. Or losing your genitals at an Estelle Getty seminar.

How do you explain to your grandchildren why you went blind? I imagine there will be a lot of conversations like this:

Child: Hey grandpa, why did you go blind?

Old Raver: Well, I like really crappy music.

Child: Why do you like crappy music?

Old Raver: Well, I like music that’s sooo crappy, that your grandpa had to take a special pill to just be able to listen to it for an extended period of time. That pill is called ecstasy.

Child: Ecsta….what?

Old Raver: It’s called ecstasy. And I used to go to these things called “raves.” They were so lame and boring that everyone needed tons and tons of drugs and special lights just so we could stand the crappy awful music we liked so much.

Child: Are you a moron grandpa?

Old Raver: Yes, son. Yes I am. Now go find me some of your grandma’s pain pills before grandpa goes into withdrawal and stabs you in the eye.

(curtain)

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