By: Ian Fortey | 5/11/2013
By: Ian Fortey | 5/11/2013
I lived a rather panic-free childhood as far as such things go. I didn’t have regular fears, I don’t think, I enjoyed intense horror movies from a young age, I liked being alone in the dark, things were OK. But that didn’t mean I didn’t suffer my share of irrational fears.
By:Ian Fortey|October 1, 2013
Everyone likes ass, right? From felons to rappers to felonious rappers, you can’t go wrong with some heiny. But it grows tiresome when you can’t think of a new way to call it to someone’s attention to their superior turd cutter. Until now! Next time you see a fine looking rump roast, bust out one of these sexy, complimentary descriptors.
By:Ian Fortey|September 30, 2013
I think I missed this last week due to almost dying, but no time to reminisce, it’s time to see what movies are coming out this week to entertain the masses!
By:Ian Fortey|September 27, 2013
What the heck do celebrities do all day anyway?
By:Ian Fortey|September 25, 2013
Sex is a pretty integral part of life and very few of us would exist if not for a little ram jam in a Wal Mart change room. But referring to it simply as “sex” gets old pretty fast, which is why a creative few of us have come up with some snazzy euphemisms to keep things interesting.
By:Ian Fortey|September 24, 2013
As you’ve no doubt noticed, I am smooth as shit. It’s a skill. A skill I will now share with you by letting you enjoy some of my more awesome pick up lines. No need to thank me.
By:Ian Fortey|September 23, 2013
Some of you may have noticed a bit of a lackluster presence from the Taco lately, especially in social media where I’m pretty much a superstar. My Twitter persona has been scaled back and it’s like I’m never around. Why is that? On account of I almost died.
By:Ian Fortey|September 19, 2013
I’m not a coffee fan. I’ll drink coffee if you’re offering drinks and for some reason literally have nothing else and I’m thirsty, but that’s it. I don’t hate it, I just couldn’t really care less about it. Some people, however, are still in that curious Cathy-comic reality where they say things like “Coffee is my life!” or “I’d hook it up to my veins if I could” and it’s hilarious because it’s full of caffeine and it’s like the water of life to them and yadda yadda.
By:Ian Fortey|September 18, 2013
I have to be honest, I have no idea how I've been running this site for so long without not only doing these but making this a regular feature. Oh well. Enjoy!
By:Ian Fortey|September 17, 2013
The internet is full of flash in the pan fads that no one remembers a month later such as Gangnam Style, the Harlem Shake, caring about Kony, planking, and twerking. How much longer will we endure twerking? Thanks to Miley Cyrus and some popular videos its life span has been extended, but it’s flame is flickering out and will soon die. So what can we hope to replace it with? These!
By:Ian Fortey|September 16, 2013
It’s Friday the 13th so watch out for guys in hockey masks who aren’t playing hockey – that shit is straight up bad news. But until your imminent demise, let’s check out the movies that open today. Oh, I’m so excited.
By:Ian Fortey|September 13, 2013
Do you ever check your town's police blotter? You should, because Lord knows what kind of terror occurs in right in your own backyard each and every day. Arms dealers, cannibals, nuclear gun slingers! It could be any or all of them. Here's 13 blotters detailing horrors you've never dreamed of! Shudder and reel in terror!
By:Ian Fortey|September 12, 2013
Michael Bay, Uwe Boll and Paul W.S. Anderson. Here are there greatest stories.
By:Ian Fortey|September 11, 2013
The race for mayor is New York is all over today. What will they say about Weiner?
By:Ian Fortey|September 10, 2013
This weekend I spent most of my time lying down in various states of agony or discomfort as everything inside my body tried to get out of my body thanks to a run in with some kind of sinister life form that turned my body into an unsanitary playground of vomit and groans.
By:Ian Fortey|September 9, 2013
It’s the beginning of September so hopefully we’re done with the August crapfest of movies like last week’s utter trash.
By:Ian Fortey|September 6, 2013
War? Poverty? Disease? Hunger? No. This. This is the most disgusting thing ever. I taste bile.
By:Ian Fortey|September 5, 2013
We've all heard of the Shocker, the Stranger, The Dirty Sanchez and the Cleveland Steamer, but there are countless others that were never elegant enough to make it into our every day lexicon. As a service to all and to honor those we've lost, here are 10 dirty maneuvers that never really caught on.
By:Ian Fortey|September 4, 2013
I have linoleum tile in my bathroom and I have a functioning bladder and ass bladder (sometimes called guts, sometimes called digestive tract). These two facts are mutually exclusive but came together in a harrowing way recently.
By:Ian Fortey|September 3, 2013
Labor Day is a day to celebrate labor and days. It’s a grand event and we’re all better off for it. Still, some people may not know how to enjoy Labor Day properly or, worse, they’re from a backward nation that doesn’t even have Labor Day. Whatever the reason you’re ill-equipped to handle today, here’s 25 things you should do.
By:Ian Fortey|September 2, 2013