4 Things At Which No One Really Wins
Not everyone can be a winner, that’s a lesson that’s slowly being forgotten thanks to the overabundance of participation ribbons and awards children get just for existing and barely trying these days. Time was you had to excel at something and be better than everyone else. And even then, even if you were the best, you still weren’t necessarily the winner because there are some things at which no one wins.
By:Ian Fortey|April 17, 2013
The Morning Jolt: The Hardest Core
Do you know what the word badass means? You do now.
By:Ian Fortey|April 17, 2013
8 of the Most Awesome Things in the World
Comedy thrives on negativity. Making fun of something is necessarily negative, it takes a negative view of something. I spend all day on Twitter making fun of Kardashians and Biebers and whatever other stupid thing is afoot. I just used the pejorative “stupid.” See? Negativity abounds. And the world is negative enough already. So here is an awesome article of positivity and wonder because you need this kind of shit and so do I. I mean shit in appositive way, like “shit yeah!”
By:Ian Fortey|April 16, 2013
The Morning Jolt: Alison Brie Imitates Memes
Our good friends at Mademan, who are allowed to make videos with celebrities while we at Holy Taco are allowed to play with rats in the sub basements EVEN THOUGH WE ALL WORK IN THE SAME BUILDING! made this. Enjoy!
By:Ian Fortey|April 16, 2013
25 More Ignorant Things Justin Bieber Could Have Said
The big news in the kiddie pop world this weekend was Justin Bieber showing up at the Anne Frank museum and in a fit of ignorance and blind, egotistical teenage pop superstardom he wrote in the guest book that Anne was a great girl and he hopes she would have been a Belieber
By:Ian Fortey|April 15, 2013
Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: April 12th
Last week Evil Dead put everyone in their place and I actually went to see it and was right, it was pretty awesome. Was it the best movie ever? No, but it was alright and I don’t regret paying to see it. I would not be able to say that about any of the shitwiches that open this week.
By:Ian Fortey|April 12, 2013
The Morning Jolt: Well Ship On Me
K Mart made a funny commercial. Holy Ship.
By:Ian Fortey|April 12, 2013
The Didgeri-Death Metal Song
Some years ago I wrote a didgeridoo love song and it went over pretty well, won me a Grammy or two, got me some groupies, all that jazz. But did I rest on my laurels? Nah. I rested on a mean ass pillow and wrote another song. A death metal song full of angst and rage and intensity. Strap yourself in. Here it comes to fill your ear holes with blasticity. Didgeridoo blasitcity!
By:Ian Fortey|April 11, 2013
The Morning Jolt: Inglorious Takes
I own this DVD and have never seen this feature. Must be neglecting my extras.
By:Ian Fortey|April 11, 2013
6 Bad Ass Swimsuits
Summer is on its way faster than you can say something that will take you several months to finish saying. To get ready for the season you may need to get yourself a new swimsuit because I’m planning on hitting a lot of water slides and I expect to see some of you there with me. It’s OK if you don’t show up, just know that I hate you.
By:Ian Fortey|April 10, 2013
The Morning Jolt: InSecurity
I got 2 hours of sleep last night because my dog has diarrhea and kept stinking up the house. I could use a blanket and some cocoa.
By:Ian Fortey|April 10, 2013
4 Things Evil Dead Needed to be Perfect
The Evil Dead remake opened on Friday and seems to have kicked the box office’s ass, which is generally impressive for an R rated movie that kind of cuts a huge chunk of the audience from seeing it. Overall it was a well liked film with some people pointing out various flaws in the script and performances.
By:Ian Fortey|April 9, 2013
The Morning Jolt: Sandler and Shaq
Sandler gets so much crap for his movies these days, but a bit like this is why anyone liked him in the first place. This makes me want to hang out with Adam Sandler. And kind of makes me want to hang out with Shaq, too.
By:Ian Fortey|April 9, 2013
25 Worse Casting Choices Than Chloe Grace Moretz as Carrie
Here’s an odd one for you – usually people complain about casting choices because an actor sucks. This is the opposite.
By:Ian Fortey|April 8, 2013
The Morning Jolt: Animal Humility
Let's knock those smug house pets down a few pegs.
By:Ian Fortey|April 8, 2013
Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: April 5th
Last week I watched John Dies at the End, which you can now see on DVD or Blu Ray. I have nothing much else to say about movies in theaters. I’m sure they were all wonderful and thought provoking and interesting and not shitty. Did GI Joe open? I guess so. On to this week!
By:Ian Fortey|April 5, 2013
The Morning Jolt: Wheat Thins
Makes me want Wheat Thins. Or at least a mentally unstable puppet.
By:Ian Fortey|April 5, 2013
8 Animals Ruined by Humans
You know who names animals? People. A dog didn’t wander into Babylon one day and tell everyone it was called a dog. The word came from an old English word for a specific kind of canine and then bam! English has a word for that animal. So every time we ruin the name of a poor, innocent animal, it’s not that animal’s fault. It’s our fault. We looked at that beast and said “that name is something I am about to make obscene” and then there it is.
By:Ian Fortey|April 4, 2013
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