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This is Not Why I’m Broke

ThisiswhyImbroke.com is a sort of shopping site that directs you to places where you can find the coolest, weirdest items online so you can waste your hard earned money and get a jetpack. As such, it seems like a valuable service. Seems that way, anyway. The problem lies in the fact I can’t for the life of me find a reason to want any of the crap they point me to.

By:|October 4, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Anyone Have a Hot Sister?

I waited and waited and waited for the punch line. I was not disappointed.

By:|October 4, 2012


The World’s Creepiest Old People

Old people are not to be trusted. You know who thought up “respect your elders?” Old people. Good try, old people. Good try. Truth is that faint urine and wood chip smell, that confused aura, that wrinkled neck scrotum, all of that is just a distraction from their true nature – harmful old cranks. Old people are not sweet and innocent.

By:|October 3, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Cops and Morons

This video starts out pretty solid, but then it really pulls you in for a feel good ending. It's an all around winner.

By:|October 3, 2012


Sam Jackson Wants You To Pick Up After Your Dog

Sam Jackson, consummate narrator of children's books and commercials urging you to vote, now wants you to be a responsible pet owner.

By:|October 2, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Bieber Pukes Rainbows

This is exactly what the audience experienced. Thank you for this re-enactment.

By:|October 2, 2012


8 Things Grumpy Cat Looks Like

In the last week or so, the internet was introduced to what is arguably the most screwed up looking cat ever. Cats, as you know, invented the internet in conjunction with a series of tubes and Al Gore. Currently the internet is equal parts cats and porn, with a dash of music videos, articles I've written, and Facebook. But back to the cat at hand.

By:|October 1, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Sports Center Meow Game

Because Super Troopers and Sports Center deserve to meet.

By:|October 1, 2012


Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: September 28th

I never made it to the movies last week but I assume everything I predicted was correct. There sure are a bounty of sucktastic films out there. This week it’s obvious what the big winner is going to be but let’s pretend anyway.

By:|September 28, 2012

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The Morning Jolt: Rock n Roll Nightmare

This is the final battle scene from Rock n Roll Nightmare. It's long but every second is worth it because this movie is abysmal.

By:|September 28, 2012


Names You Must Avoid for Your Child

Naming a child isn’t as simple as getting wasted and just yelling a few random syllables at a baby. If it was, my name would still be Jesus No. In fact, a lot of thought should go into naming a child; it’s a label they have to carry with them forever. Unfortunately, a lot of parents seem to really half ass it these days. In light of that, we have some rules for you.

By:|September 27, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Bill Burr and Steve Jobs

They did make an iPhone after Steve Jobs died, didn't they?

By:|September 27, 2012


Facebook’s Eerie Parrot Subculture

This article will make no sense. I will not explain to you how I happened upon the information I’m about to share because it is not relevant. All you need to know is that it is true and verifiable and ridiculous. Facebook is full of parrots.

By:|September 26, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Grad School Scam

I fell for this crap,too. Someone should do something.

By:|September 26, 2012


Ground Zero in the Mists of Pandaria

Last night at midnight Blizzard launched its 4th expansion for the World of Warcraft. I was in line at an EBGames at midnight for the launch of Burning Crusade back in the day. For Wrath of the Lich King I waited about a week. Waited a week again for Cataclysm. But for Mists of Pandaria, I dusted off my WoW subscription then downloaded the expansion so I wouldn’t have to even go outside, because screw outside.

By:|September 25, 2012


The Morning Jolt: I Didn’t Know I Was Gilbert Gottfried

Finally,someone's talking about this phenomenon.

By:|September 25, 2012


The Inner Monologue of a Public School Bus Driver

Drive. Just drive.

By:|September 24, 2012


The Morning Jolt: I Can Still Do It

This is an 83 year old man rapping about banging chicks. You're welcome.

By:|September 24, 2012


Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen: September 21st

Last week no one went to see any movies except for The Master. That’s cool, I figured it’d do OK because I have amazing skills of prognostication. This week things are opening up more and it’ll be a close call, man. Just you wait!

By:|September 21, 2012


The Morning Jolt: The Hidden with Morgan Freeman

This stops being funny after about a minute, but you should watch that first minute.

By:|September 21, 2012