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The Morning Jolt: I Can Still Do It

This is an 83 year old man rapping about banging chicks. You're welcome.

By:|September 24, 2012


review

Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen: September 21st

Last week no one went to see any movies except for The Master. That’s cool, I figured it’d do OK because I have amazing skills of prognostication. This week things are opening up more and it’ll be a close call, man. Just you wait!

By:|September 21, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: The Hidden with Morgan Freeman

This stops being funny after about a minute, but you should watch that first minute.

By:|September 21, 2012


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10 New Sex Positions for a New You

Have you been paying attention to the calendar? December 21st is fast approaching and, if people who breathe through their mouths when they think are to be believed, that’s the last day of existence. No shit. The Mayans, a race of people who really enjoyed chocolate, worshipped forest animals and didn’t see their near total extinction at the hands of the Spanish penciled in on any calendars apparently did pencil in the end of the world and this is it, kids.

By:|September 20, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: The Next Big Thing

Ha ha, iPhone 5 buyers, Samsung made fun of you. No, but really, if you line up to buy a phone you're kind of an idiot. It's a phone.

By:|September 20, 2012


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Killing Me Softly with Grease: Fair Food

Every year I attend my local county fair and attempt to punish my insides for their blatant cowardice and insistence on hiding away inside me like fearful babies. Well insides, you’ve never won the battle yet and this year was no different.

By:|September 19, 2012


gladstone

The Morning Jolt: Hate by Numbers

Gladstone hates this Taylor Swift song, which makes sense because I think it was written out of pure hatred in the bowels of musical discomfort. Seriously, that one furry guitar player actually induces rage, just looking at that smiley dipshit expression on his face.

By:|September 19, 2012


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21 Worse Things Ever

4 months ago, Buzzfeed posted a list of the 21 worst things ever. I agree that many things on that list are a pain but I may have stumbled on 21 even worse things. So, with credit to Buzzfeed for the article which I am now completely copying and then adding to, here are 21 worse things.

By:|September 18, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: Clothing Drive

We do something like this in the office here only instead of getting free beer someone calls the police.

By:|September 18, 2012


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What to Expect from the New World of Warcraft Expansion

World of Warcraft, the illegitimate father of modern gaming, is about to expand its universe like trousers making room for a half chub.

By:|September 17, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: No Camera Allowed

If this guy was trying to prove that he deserved to be shot with a tazer, he totally did. What an asshole.

By:|September 17, 2012


review

Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen: September 14th

Oh man, I don’t know what happened but what an awesome week for movies. I usually have to toss in at least one movie I know no one is going to see to pad these columns out but this week I had to cut stuff because there’s so much awesomeness opening. And by that I mean stupid stuff. Probably a couple of these movies are OK but man, there’s a lot of ridiculous shit hitting theaters this week, it’s great.

By:|September 14, 2012


Toilet

An Open Letter to the Non Toilet Trained

Hey there, dribble guts, how goes it? That’s rhetorical, I’m well aware of your problems, at least a few of them. And that’s kind of why we need to talk.

By:|September 13, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: We Are What we Eat

I got an email from the dude who made this movie. He's 16, from the UK, and managed to get a bunch of British school girls to do what he wanted on camera (by saying school girls I am tacitly implying they are all 18 and over). Frankly, I'm impressed.

By:|September 13, 2012


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4 Kinds of Urine You Can Buy Right Now

Did you pee today? You should have, because it’s weird if you went a day without peeing. But did you ever stop to appreciate your urine? Probably not unless you’re one of those freaks on the internet. Oh. Hmm.

By:|September 12, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: Screw Bill O’Reilly

yes, we all know Bill O'Reilly is an anal polyp of a man, but it's nice to see if laid out so succinctly.

By:|September 12, 2012


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Why You Should Never Chase a Wild Turkey

This article is in no way about the booze that was very astutely named after one of nature’s most terrible monsters, the turkey. Farm raised turkeys seemed like scrotum-necked dullards but a wild turkey is some kind of heinous, devil-gobbler.

By:|September 11, 2012


cop

The Morning Jolt: No Speeding

Don't speed on Florida highways, they don't let anyone get away with that crap.

By:|September 11, 2012


tv

Fall 2012 in Terrible Television

Every fall TV networks throw steaming piles of poo at a wall in the hopes that one is just sticky enough to not fall off and roll away into obscurity. This very rarely works out well, but one or two shows on each network inevitably make it through an entire season and sometimes get to last for years.

By:|September 10, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: Captain Kirk and the Ladies

You know how it's going to end.

By:|September 10, 2012