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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: September 7th

Summer is over so what does the first week of kids back in school and shitty movies have for us? Some shitty movies! In fairness (having never seen them, hence the clever title of this feature) I can’t be 100% sure they’re all shitty, but I have an ominous feeling this week. Like the kind of feeling I get after eating Indian food that’s been sitting in a warming tray too long. So, you know, stand back.

By:|September 7, 2012


7 Words We Can’t Use Anymore Thanks to the Internet

Thanks to people like me and you, the English language is constantly being buggered every which way. When fools aren’t stomping it to unrecognizable pieces in text messages and Facebook updates, the rest of us are tittering at words that used to be perfectly acceptable and useful in casual conversation that now mean nothing but smutty smut. Oh you!

By:|September 6, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Zing and Double Zing

Good job all around.

By:|September 6, 2012


5 Little People who Were Not Oompah Loompahs

Hollywood could not be where it is today without the skills of a wide variety of people. People of all shapes and colors and sizes, and that includes little people, who you may know as midgets (but don’t say midget, it’s like the N word only don’t say that to black people, it’s offensive). They’ve come a long way since the mass casting of Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz and the orange faced menace of Willy Wonka and his damn factory, let’s see just how far.

By:|September 5, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Diz is Why I’m Hot

I will post any video Die Antwoord makes because I am inexplicably fascinated by them.

By:|September 5, 2012


The Kick Ass Kiss Komparison

How many times have you been invited to a kick ass makeout party full of swimsuit models and porn stars and Holy Taco editors and you have to be like “Oh, I can’t, I have polio” and then you stay home and make out with a room temperature ham –WHICH IS WHERE POLIO COMES FROM – and it’s all because you never learned how to kiss properly?

By:|September 4, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Drunk tractor

I guess the best part is when the guy drags him out and then pops him in the head.

By:|September 4, 2012


What Back to School Means to You

If you are not a silly child, or in possession of such things, then back to school hype is meaningless to you. You don’t need a lunch box or a pencil case or…what else do kids have? Sugar beets? I dunno.

By:|September 3, 2012


Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: August 31st

Last week was a bunch of burgled turds, let’s be honest. The best offering was a movie about a bike messenger. Come on. This week is…well. It’s a different week, so, you know, that’s something. And maybe all of these movies are equally the best movies ever. Wouldn’t that be something? It sure would.

By:|August 31, 2012


Holy Taco Meets the Suicide Girls

This past weekend Holy Taco managing editor Ian Fortey, currently typing about himself in the 3rd person, headed to Toronto, Ontario to attend Fan Expo. You already saw how his heart was broken by Lou Ferrigno (if not, go read it) but what you did not learn was how some delightful ladies called the Suicide Girls helped put that shattered man back together again.

By:|August 30, 2012


This Book is Full of Spiders: a Review

Literary criticism has somewhat curled up and died over the years and now we’re at a point where reviews are torn between “I love/hate this book because pew pew awesome raawr!” and “This book displays certain tropes and mimetic principles that onomatopoeia feminism Jungian archetypes blah shit merp.” Does any of that make you want to read the book? Why would you read a book review at all, what’s the point? To find out why it is either good or not good. David Wong’s This Book is Full of Spiders is a good book. You should read it.

By:|August 29, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Oh, Quantas. Yes.

God, I love the C word.

By:|August 29, 2012


The Day I Didn’t Meet Lou Ferrigno

I was supposed to meet Lou Ferrigno. But I didn’t. I was attending Toronto’s Fan Expo from August 23rd to 26th. My plan? To met Lou Ferrigno and challenge him to a fight on camera. Then to put the video of the fight on Break.com and HolyTaco and see how long before someone in the comments calls me gay. Because that is what commenters do.

By:|August 28, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Evolution of Louis CK

It's 10 minutes but it's worth it if you're a Louis CK fan.

By:|August 28, 2012


Filthy Limericks for All Occasions

You know what we don't have enough of? Dirty limericks.

By:|August 27, 2012


Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: August 24th

Last week was a shameful event at the movies (or not, depending on your tastes) but this week is going straight up subtle with offerings that are all pretty much flying under the radar. To the movies!

By:|August 24, 2012


An Open Letter to Up and Coming Disney Stars

S’up? You guys just hanging out? That’s cool. Pretty def, huh? And maybe phat? Yeah. So listen, I don’t want to come off sounding like a square adult, or some kind of unhip shitbird (kids still say that, right?) but I need you to be prepared for what’s coming.

By:|August 23, 2012

large planet of the apes blu-ray6

5 Planets Not Run by Apes

You can’t trust a planet of the apes and I’ll tell you why – it’s run by apes. We all love a chimpanzee when they’re wearing t-shirts and engaging in delightful antics, but the downside is that every so often a chimp can and will take a person’s face and/or limbs off. That’s not even a joke, Google it.

By:|August 22, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Musical Beers

This is old as ass, but who cares, it's Workaholics.

By:|August 22, 2012


How to Fight a Holy Man in 3 Easy Steps

So, you’ve decided to take a harbinger of a Lord to task (which Lord? Doesn’t matter), good for you. For far too long the envoys of the various holy orders around the world have been getting pretty uppity, haven’t they? With their circumcisions and catechisms and wailing walls and robes and blessings and c’mon already. Well it’s time to put them in their place. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

By:|August 21, 2012