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8 Things Grumpy Cat Looks Like

In the last week or so, the internet was introduced to what is arguably the most screwed up looking cat ever. Cats, as you know, invented the internet in conjunction with a series of tubes and Al Gore. Currently the internet is equal parts cats and porn, with a dash of music videos, articles I've written, and Facebook. But back to the cat at hand.

By:|October 1, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Sports Center Meow Game

Because Super Troopers and Sports Center deserve to meet.

By:|October 1, 2012


Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: September 28th

I never made it to the movies last week but I assume everything I predicted was correct. There sure are a bounty of sucktastic films out there. This week it’s obvious what the big winner is going to be but let’s pretend anyway.

By:|September 28, 2012

trans9 - Copy

The Morning Jolt: Rock n Roll Nightmare

This is the final battle scene from Rock n Roll Nightmare. It's long but every second is worth it because this movie is abysmal.

By:|September 28, 2012


Names You Must Avoid for Your Child

Naming a child isn’t as simple as getting wasted and just yelling a few random syllables at a baby. If it was, my name would still be Jesus No. In fact, a lot of thought should go into naming a child; it’s a label they have to carry with them forever. Unfortunately, a lot of parents seem to really half ass it these days. In light of that, we have some rules for you.

By:|September 27, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Bill Burr and Steve Jobs

They did make an iPhone after Steve Jobs died, didn't they?

By:|September 27, 2012


Facebook’s Eerie Parrot Subculture

This article will make no sense. I will not explain to you how I happened upon the information I’m about to share because it is not relevant. All you need to know is that it is true and verifiable and ridiculous. Facebook is full of parrots.

By:|September 26, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Grad School Scam

I fell for this crap,too. Someone should do something.

By:|September 26, 2012


Ground Zero in the Mists of Pandaria

Last night at midnight Blizzard launched its 4th expansion for the World of Warcraft. I was in line at an EBGames at midnight for the launch of Burning Crusade back in the day. For Wrath of the Lich King I waited about a week. Waited a week again for Cataclysm. But for Mists of Pandaria, I dusted off my WoW subscription then downloaded the expansion so I wouldn’t have to even go outside, because screw outside.

By:|September 25, 2012


The Morning Jolt: I Didn’t Know I Was Gilbert Gottfried

Finally,someone's talking about this phenomenon.

By:|September 25, 2012


The Inner Monologue of a Public School Bus Driver

Drive. Just drive.

By:|September 24, 2012


The Morning Jolt: I Can Still Do It

This is an 83 year old man rapping about banging chicks. You're welcome.

By:|September 24, 2012


Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen: September 21st

Last week no one went to see any movies except for The Master. That’s cool, I figured it’d do OK because I have amazing skills of prognostication. This week things are opening up more and it’ll be a close call, man. Just you wait!

By:|September 21, 2012


The Morning Jolt: The Hidden with Morgan Freeman

This stops being funny after about a minute, but you should watch that first minute.

By:|September 21, 2012


10 New Sex Positions for a New You

Have you been paying attention to the calendar? December 21st is fast approaching and, if people who breathe through their mouths when they think are to be believed, that’s the last day of existence. No shit. The Mayans, a race of people who really enjoyed chocolate, worshipped forest animals and didn’t see their near total extinction at the hands of the Spanish penciled in on any calendars apparently did pencil in the end of the world and this is it, kids.

By:|September 20, 2012


The Morning Jolt: The Next Big Thing

Ha ha, iPhone 5 buyers, Samsung made fun of you. No, but really, if you line up to buy a phone you're kind of an idiot. It's a phone.

By:|September 20, 2012

Gator BBQ-0549

Killing Me Softly with Grease: Fair Food

Every year I attend my local county fair and attempt to punish my insides for their blatant cowardice and insistence on hiding away inside me like fearful babies. Well insides, you’ve never won the battle yet and this year was no different.

By:|September 19, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Hate by Numbers

Gladstone hates this Taylor Swift song, which makes sense because I think it was written out of pure hatred in the bowels of musical discomfort. Seriously, that one furry guitar player actually induces rage, just looking at that smiley dipshit expression on his face.

By:|September 19, 2012


21 Worse Things Ever

4 months ago, Buzzfeed posted a list of the 21 worst things ever. I agree that many things on that list are a pain but I may have stumbled on 21 even worse things. So, with credit to Buzzfeed for the article which I am now completely copying and then adding to, here are 21 worse things.

By:|September 18, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Clothing Drive

We do something like this in the office here only instead of getting free beer someone calls the police.

By:|September 18, 2012