Mohammad Ashan Is The Stupidest Terrorist Ever
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I find it hard to believe members of the Taliban were intelligent enough to fight back when U.S. forces landed on their soil. Every so often a bit of news comes out that makes you wonder if the people we were fighting didn’t have some kind of major brain damage. Take, for example, Mohammad Ashan.
By:Luis Prada|April 18, 2012
The 7 Sandwiches of Shame
Remember when you were a child? Neither does your absentee father! Ha ha! Wait, no, that was uncalled for. My dad left, too. He joined the circus to “make for hump” with the bearded lady and never came back. We both have trauma. Let’s start over. Remember when you were a child? Neither does…I mean…yes. As a kid, lunch was one of the most important times during the school day. It was the longest recess, the best time to socialize and a chance to refuel your sugar high with Twinkies and delicious Sloppy Joes or whatever. Kids still eat that shit, right?
By:Ian Fortey|April 18, 2012
The Morning Jolt: The Bathroom Incident
This is actually kind of a sad story until you see that their last name is Skidmore. That's where I lost it.
By:Ian Fortey|April 18, 2012
‘That Can Be My Next Tweet’ Tweets For You, You Lazy Bastards
Tweeting is hard, you guys. So very hard. I mean, to deliver unto you nothing but the finest one-liners (all of which you can find @holytaco) we have to labor for, literally, seconds as we think up bullshit that makes us laugh. And then, on top of that, we have to hit the “send” button. Christ, do you people realize how much work we put in to typing thoughts that are less than 140 characters, just to make you smile when you’re dropping a deuce? Probably more work than you deserve. [CropperCapture[1]]
By:Luis Prada|April 17, 2012
How To Tuesday: How to Overcome a Hostile Alien Attack
So you’ve decided not to die at the hands of creepy, tentacle invaders, good for you! If Hollywood is to be believed, and Hollywood is never wrong, then aliens are climbing over each other to get to earth. One in ten of those aliens wants to hug us and eat delicious candy, while the other nine have yet to decide on the best course of action – hump us or kill us
By:Ian Fortey|April 17, 2012
The Morning Jolt: I Just Sold Instagram!
Everything about this seems pretty much right.
By:Ian Fortey|April 17, 2012
Tupac’s Hologram Performed At Coachcella. The Future Is Now. And It’s Wearing Saggy Jeans.
It must have been a mind melting experience being at Coachcella this past weekend, especially if you were on drugs. Not only did you get to see performance from Snoop Dog and his cavalcade of surprise guests, including Dr. Dre, Whiz Kalifa, Warren G., and Eminem, but you also saw the triumphant return of a man that’s been dead since 1996 – Tupac Shakur.
By:Luis Prada|April 16, 2012
The Walking Carl: Chapter 3
Found a house full of zombies up the street this morning. Mostly they ignored me because I’m not essential to the plot unless everyone knows I’m missing, which they didn’t at the time. It’s kind of nice, actually, unless they notice I’m gone in the middle of something cool, and then it’s like a spotlight hits me. Remember that zombie in the mud that got Dale? Wouldn’t have caused any troubles if no one stopped to wonder where I was. Oh well, spilled milk.
By:Ian Fortey|April 16, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Judge Judy is Ridiculous
If you watch this whole thing you'll learn they're straight, he lit a bird on fire, he killed the cat, someone's an artist and the whole thing including that one guy's life, is ridiculous.
By:Ian Fortey|April 16, 2012
Game Of Thrones Makes Me Want To Watch A Child Die
My biggest gripe of the show and the books so far is that Joffrey isn’t dead yet.
By:Luis Prada|April 13, 2012
One Direction: A Video Breakdown
One Direction are a British band that were forged in the fires of Simon Cowell’s supple man bosom. They’ve been around for a while but are blowing up in America now and were just recently on SNL. To celebrate that, I forced myself to watch their video and break it down for you here.
By:Ian Fortey|April 13, 2012
The Morning Jolt: The ‘Lympics!
Get your spandex body suits on, Kids. The Lympics are coming.
By:Ian Fortey|April 13, 2012
A Letter To The Commercial For The Movie “Lockout”
Dear Lockout, You look like a silly-ass movie. As such, I will probably watch you three times and love it. But, please, stop pretending that you aren’t a silly-ass movie. You are a movie about a prison break in space that has shitty, generic rock music playing during your commercial – rock music with the highly lame lyric “I’m a badass!” You’re silly, so stop pretending you aren’t.
By:Luis Prada|April 12, 2012
6 of the Whitest Songs Ever
Music is often a very emotional, soulful experience for people. It’s hard to listen to some Beethoven without feeling a little bit moved, or to listen to Nickelback without feeling a little bit queasy. And then there are songs that were made delightfully soulless and may have been targeted to people Rick Santorum thinks are slightly square. For you Wonderbread types, here’s some of the best of the brand.
By:Ian Fortey|April 12, 2012
Place Bets On Which Companies Facebook Will Buy Next
If you’re a compulsive gambler and are also very tuned in to what’s happening on the business side the tech industry, PaddyPower.com will either make you extremely rich or so poor you’ll have to -- GASP! --use far cheaper non-Apple products.
By:Luis Prada|April 11, 2012
Win a Date with Holy Taco
Hey there, sweetness, you’re lookin’ mighty fine. Oh, sorry, didn’t see you there. I was talking to myself. Yes kids, Holy Taco is presenting to you an unprecedented opportunity – a date with this website. Never dated a website before? No worries, as editor, I can let you know what may be in store for you. I can’t 100% guarantee what will happen as I’m no psychic. I don’t have access to other worldly knowledge. I’m not “tuned in.” I don’t “sober up” to write articles. I’m not “entirely aware” of what all these words even mean. But I do know this website. Because I write it. All. Day. Long. Mmm.
By:Ian Fortey|April 11, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Pushover Plunger
JaboOody Dubs, you could sell me anything.
By:Ian Fortey|April 11, 2012
Hate Filing Taxes? Die In A Car Crash. Everyone Else Is Doing It.
Tax Day is a miserable experience if you’re one of them millions of Americas that file at the last minute. You’re scrambling out of your home with a shoebox filled with Burger King receipts that you’re hoping can be deducted as a work expense, barreling through traffic, trying to get to the home of the octogenarian with early signs of Alzheimer’s that does your taxes. It’s stressful. It’s panic mode. You had forever to file and you didn’t because, hey, Tax Day is so in the future. You don’t need to do it now. It’s going to happen then, so you’ll wait until then. What can possibly go wrong?
By:Luis Prada|April 10, 2012
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