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If Your Ex-Girlfriend Is a Dentist, She Will Pull Out Your Teeth

Anna Mackowiak, a dentist in Poland, just pulled what has to be one of the most horrifying, yet impressive, acts of post-break up revenge you’ll probably hear of any time soon.

By:|April 30, 2012


The Walking Carl: Chapter 5

I have a serious problem. Remember zombie Stephen Hawking from last week? Well, I thought I took care of him with a Roman candle, but I guess I just scorched his head a bit. And for whatever reason he seems to have really enjoyed it because he won’t leave me alone. He must have followed my trail somehow because two days ago I was walking through the woods just goofing around and I hear this quiet little “unngghh!” so I turned and there he is!

By:|April 30, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Bros vs Hipsters

That's not how stereotypes work!!

By:|April 30, 2012

black african american baby with cool facial expression

Who Will Go #1 In The 2034 NFL Draft?

Folks, we’re all currently steeped deep within the burly, possibly HGH raging heart of the NFL draft, a glorious time of year when we watch college kids walk on to a stage to put on a hat that will no longer fit them once they become stars and their heads grow bigger. The draft may be underway, and players are already joining their respective teams, but it’s never too early to speculate on who will be drafted first overall in future drafts. But rather than debate who will go number-one in the 2013 draft, let’s look a little further ahead, way ahead, to the 2034 NFL draft. Which babies of today will be making the headlines 22-years from now?

By:|April 27, 2012


Silver Screen Scoop: Grandpa Edition

My typing hand cramped up on me this week as a result of extensive and exhaustive corn shucking, so I had to get my grandfather Howard to put together the silver screen scoop for the week. Having never heard of any of these movies owing to not having cable at home, I showed him the trailers online.

By:|April 27, 2012


The Morning Jolt: The Latest Threat to Privacy

Remember SOPA? Here's his cousin CISPA. The government wants to know everything you do. Even if you never do anything wrong, don't you feel uneasy with someone picking through all your stuff, just in case?

By:|April 27, 2012


The GIF Hole

One time I met a GIF on a lonely road at night and gave it a ride. We talked about our family and friends and work and whatever and eventually we came to an old farm house where I dropped the GIF off. The next day I saw the GIF had left its watch in the car so I drove to the farm house to drop it off. An old woman answered the door and I showed her the watch and asked if the GIF was home as I had picked it up the night before and given it a ride. Her eyes welled up with tears as she took the watch and told me that yes, it was her GIFs watch, but that the GIF had died 20 years ago on the very road where I had picked it up. Police said it was hitchhiking when it was hit by a drunk driver and it never made it home!

By:|April 26, 2012


Get Your Cell Phones The Hell Out of the Movie Theater

CinemaCon is a meeting held in Las Vegas where movie theater owners and movie industry types come together to talk about various aspects of the business of movies, from the latest technologies to the new and stupidly expensive junk food companies will try to sell you in theaters in the near future. Today is the final day of the convention. This week, during a panel discussion about various issues facing the movie industry in which all of the speakers were high ranking CEOs and representatives from theater chains and studios, a bunch involved in the discussion just kind of, you know, casually mentioned how they’re warming up to the idea of allowing cell phone use in their theaters in a pathetic attempt to loosen the restrictions that they think keep young people from going to the movies as much as they used to.

By:|April 26, 2012


Kanye West and Kim Kardashian Go on a Date

Setting: A busy, hip, urban restaurant. Waitresses dress like they are at the club, there is a wine list and a bottled water list. All food is served in dishes devoid of right angles. You can be Kobe beef sliders because they are whimsical. They cost $35 each. It is early evening, Kanye and Kim share a private, exclusive table. The table cloth is hyper color and comes from Norway. It’s awesome.

By:|April 26, 2012


The Morning Jolt: The More You Ferrigknow

Nice pug.

By:|April 26, 2012


G-Spot Found In Dead Old Lady!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have the dishonor of being the one that has to report to you that a man thinks he’s found the G-Spot, the controversial pleasure button that may or may not exist in female genitals, depending on your source, within the vagina of a dead 83-year-old women, which, if it turns out there’s only one G-Spot in the world, would explain why it was so difficult to find.

By:|April 25, 2012

boxer briefs

What Your Underwear Says About You

Man's underwear is far more complex than it has any right to be. Our ancestors simply wrapped themselves in birch bark and were happy to wear that if they wore anything at all. Nowadays you have frills and vinyl and leopard patterned tiny things that cradle your balls like an underweight hobo desperately clutching at some quail eggs. Anyway, here's what your underwear says about you, we figure.

By:|April 25, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Miss Travel

This video isn't actually meant to be funny. it's 100% serious. it just so happens that, because of that, it's also very funny.

By:|April 25, 2012

Hand Sanitizer_Drinking

Six Teenagers Got Drunk Off Of Hand Sanitizer? Then All Of Ten Are Doing The Same Thing!

Remember the freak out over teens soaking tampons in vodka to get drunk? Or how about the freak out over teens supposedly doing rectal beer bongs? It seems there’s an endless array of activities a handful of teens can perform to get drunk that adults around the country use as an excuse to fabricate moral panics and make everyone believe their kid is a raging alcoholic whose thirst for booze knows no bounds of logic and reason. Enter hand sanitizer.

By:|April 24, 2012


How to Become a Beloved Boy Wizard

So you’ve decided to take up the life of a fictional, impish boy wizard of some renown, good for you! It’s no small task to take up the slack that Harry Potter left behind when JK Rowling decided her mountain of money had grown just high enough so that she couldn’t see the ground any longer.

By:|April 24, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Nickstarter

I would have done this myself ages ago if I knew how to use a camera.

By:|April 24, 2012

Don Draper

The Old People Mad Men Characters Will Eventually Become

The much lauded AMC series Mad Men features a number of fascinating and troubled characters that existed in a time of great civic and cultural change -- America in the 1960s. It was a time when the old guard was challenged by a rapidly and suddenly changing world, the ripples of which can still be felt and seen today. Assuming these characters survived to see old age in the year 2012, what kind of old people would they be? Let’s find out.

By:|April 23, 2012


The Walking Carl: Chapter 4

Oh my God, diary, you are not going to believe what just happened. I wish I could tell people, but all they’ll focus on is how I hotwired an ATV I found on a farm and sorta drove 50 miles down the road. But for real, I totally found the zombie Stephen Hawking, it was amazing. The Hawking Dead! I wish there was anyone around to appreciate how clever that is. Took me like 15 minutes to think of it.

By:|April 23, 2012


The Morning Jolt: Bird

I'm just happy that someone made this.

By:|April 23, 2012

Large Shell Statue

Study: Men Prefer Pink Vaginas To Red Ones

As a kid, if I had known that being a scientist not only meant being in a lab filled with chalkboards and bubbling cauldrons of smoking green liquid, but also being able to ask other guys what kinds of vagains they prefer, I would have immediately put away my White Ranger sword with the talking white lion on the hilt, and with it my dream to grow up to be a Power Ranger. I would have lived a life of science! According to some science-types that conducted some science on vagains, men prefer their vaginas pink as opposed to red, which is a question absolutely no one thought about asking, and is a preference I’ll be most men have never thought about until now.

By:|April 20, 2012