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The best non-sport college sports (uncoached) Selma Blair makes out with plastic (celebnewswire) Top ten two-headed animals (i-am-bored) Product of the Day: Sh*tBegone Toilet Paper (gigglesugar) Former Family Ties star is a douche (People) Drunk History (comedy.com) Denise Richards topless and chasing the paparazzi (drunkenstepfather) Stacy Keibler eBay bikini auction (bustedcoverage) Megan Fox wants to get naked (coedmagazine) Lindsay Lohan's juicy boobs (hollywoodtuna) Where Are They Now: 6 "Stars" of Embarrassing Viral Videos (cracked) Modern Bible (college humor) The 'Most Expensive Desktop Computer' Kind of Sucks Must-See: Highlight-Reel Knockouts
By:|July 14, 2008
Fred & Barney Make a Penis Joke
Flinstones penis joke - Watch more free videos It really doesn't take much to amuse me. Anything having to do with bodily fluids or crippled people falling down usually does it for me. And we've all had our kicks from cranking the volume/jockeying the slo-mo on Disney cartoons over the years to get in on the voice actors' and cartoonists' pervy parts, like Aladdin telling kids to take it off, the priest having an erection in The Little Mermaid, or "sex" spelled out in the dust from The Lion King. But the subliminal stuff can be too much work, especially since I was working with a VCR back in the day with my dad screaming, "You skipped it again, you queer!" over my shoulder. I like the obvious stuff, say...oh, like Fred and Barney making an old fashioned penis joke. Those two bastards certainly did have a gay old time. Via collegehumor
By:|July 14, 2008
Hannah Montana to Kiss a Chick?
Hey, you know that song "I Kissed a Girl" that your chick plays constantly and you hate, but you pretend to like it because you hope she's into it? The singer's name is Katy Perry and she just got asked which chick she wants to smooch for real. Dear God, I can barely contain myself: "Miley Cyrus!" she says in the latest issue of Steppin' Out magazine. "She's the lucky girl. It's cool to hear through the grapevine that Miley Cyrus has my song as her ring tone." Perry, 23, will attend August's Teen Choice Awards, which Cyrus, 15, is hosting. "Maybe we'll have another Britney-Madonna moment on stage," Perry joked. "How hilarious would that be? Although I don't think it would help her career. However, it would definitely help mine!" "Yeah, hilarious!" said dudes around the world as they dumped pitchers of iced water down their pants while crossed their fingers. I am so f-ing serious right now, this had better not be a joke. This would be like that kid who thought he was getting an Xbox 360 for Christmas and then when he opens it, it's just a box with clothes in it and his family laughs at him while he cries. You don't joke about certain things and two chicks (especially when even though one is fifteen) twisting tongues is probably tops on the list. Even if someone called and told me my mom knocked over a liquor store and took hostages in order to commit suicide by cop, then said "Just kidding!" three hours later, I would be less pissed than a promise of a two-chick kiss that doesn't happen. Damn, now I'm sweating a little. By the way, for all you guys wanting to go to prison asap, open your windows and play this video at full volume. If you need me, I'll be busy photoshopping Billy Ray out of those Vanity Fair pics. Via usmagazine.com
By:|July 14, 2008
Losers Go Blind At Crappy Russian Rave
Normally I feel bad when I hear that someone has been struck by a terrible affliction like blindness or leukemia or cottage cheese thighs. But not this time. According to Reuters: MOSCOW - Dozens of partygoers at an outdoor rave near Moscow last week have lost partial vision after a laser light show burned their retinas, Russian health officials said on Monday. "They all have retinal burns, scarring is visible on them. Loss of vision in individual cases is as high as 80 percent, and regaining it is already impossible," Kommersant quoted a treating ophthalmologist as saying. "After three days I decided to go to the hospital. They examined me, asked if I had been at Open Air, and then put me straight in the hospital. I didn't even get to go home and get my stuff," he said. Oh no! He couldn't even go home to get his stuff? How was he going to make it in the hospital without his precious ecstasy or his precious glow sticks or his oversized pants or his stupid pacifier or his neon headband? Losing your eyesight at a rave is about as lame as losing your hearing at a Jefferson Starship concert. Or losing your genitals at an Estelle Getty seminar. How do you explain to your grandchildren why you went blind? I imagine there will be a lot of conversations like this: Child: Hey grandpa, why did you go blind? Old Raver: Well, I like really crappy music. Child: Why do you like crappy music? Old Raver: Well, I like music that's sooo crappy, that your grandpa had to take a special pill to just be able to listen to it for an extended period of time. That pill is called ecstasy. Child: Ecsta....what? Old Raver: It's called ecstasy. And I used to go to these things called "raves." They were so lame and boring that everyone needed tons and tons of drugs and special lights just so we could stand the crappy awful music we liked so much. Child: Are you a moron grandpa? Old Raver: Yes, son. Yes I am. Now go find me some of your grandma's pain pills before grandpa goes into withdrawal and stabs you in the eye. (curtain)
By:|July 14, 2008
Lauren Conrad Google Stalks
The internet is great for many things, like ordering wives from the Republic of Macedonia or researching the many ways to make a skin suit. But it can also be used for evil, like looking up dirt from someone's past and throwing it in their faces. Seems that's what Lauren Conrad does to everyone she dates. She's the one who plays herself or a hooker or something on "The Hills" and she has admitted to googling her dates. From usmagazine.com: Hills star Lauren Conrad admits she does background searches on her dates using Google. "Yeah, [for] all of them!" she told the PopSugar network. "But I don't believe everything I read though. I Google pictures to see ex-girlfriends and stuff." First of all, if she doesn't believe everything she reads, why would she believe everything she sees? Has she never heard of photoshop? What am I saying, of course not. Regardless, this got me to worrying a little bit in case Lauren and I ever hook up (I said she was a hooker, but when has that ever given me pause?). I've only had 1.5 girlfriends in my life -- the .5 being when a homeless woman licked my arm in TJ -- but I was more concerned about the picture of me pre-surgery when my earlobes looked like mini-scrotums that might be floating around in cyberspace. So to cover my ass, I went to Google Images and plugged in my name. After scrolling through the 6 pages of German porn images (seriously, NEVER give those sites your credit card), I came across a bunch of pictures that my name somehow inspired. Here are a select few: I used to breastfeed and I went through a zebra ninja period for a while. And vikings are badass, but the other stuff makes me think I've been the victim of identity theft. Please God, let that be the answer.
By:|July 14, 2008
Highlights Magazine: The Evil Version
Remember when you'd go to the dentist's office when you were a kid and there'd be a copy of Highlights Magazine on the waiting room table? And you were so bored that you thumbed through the whole thing? Well, that magazine sucked. Really bad. Even eight-year-olds knew it blew. So, we decided to redo it. If there's a hell, we're going to it for this. Enjoy. Click on the images to make them bigger. Co-written by Patrick Schumacker
By:|July 14, 2008
10 Pickup Lines That Will Work On Sarah Silverman
Dear Fat Guys Of The World, Now that Sarah Silverman is back on the market after her breakup with famous tubster Jimmy Kimmel, you will finally have your chance to get a piece of that (no, not that sandwich over there.). She's feeling neglected and needy and since you already know she likes tubby guys, this means you might actually have a chance with her. Here are a few classic pickup lines that are tailored to help all those fat guys out there get a date Sarah, even though she's way out of your league. (Having a TV show might help, too.) 10. Is that a cheeseburger in your pants? If so, I would like to get into your pants to get to that cheeseburger. 9. Are you busy tonight at 3:00 AM? Because I think Taco Bell is still open then. We could get some chalupas. 8. Did you fall from heaven? Because you could totally land on me and be OK because I'm fat. 7. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment? And also the lard factory because I'll be going there A LOT. 6. Where have you been all my life? I know it's not McDonald's or Wendy's or Arby's or Hardee's or White Castle or Kenny Rogers Roasters...cause that's where I usually hang out. 5. Your dad must've been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns...and I'd like to put my hot dog between them. That's not a sexual innuendo. I carry a package of hot dogs with me wherever I go. 4. There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it. It only has the number to Dominos, Pizza Hut, and the Crisco factory. 3. Was your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars and put them in your eyes. He also stole my spare mayonnaise packets. 2. If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning." If you were a burrito, you'd be set on "eat." 1. Do you want to go out sometime? Do you have a cheesesteak? Other crap to look at: Dorismar is babe of the day (doubleviking) Rebecca Tysnes is attractive (gorillamask) Brooke Hogan is not so attractive (drunkenstepfather) The best political bloopers (comedy.com) MMA fighter knocked out by cartwheel (cameltap) What's the drinking age at Wrigley Field? (tastybooze) Nell McAndrew in lingerie (hornyoyster)
By:|July 14, 2008
Barbara Chiappini
Age: 34 Where you've seen her: Since her Wikipedia page is still in Italian, there's a good chance you've only seen her in commercials for spaghetti or the mob or knuckle hair. Since poorly translated text is always funny, here's my favorite sentence from her translated Wikipedia page: In Naples in 1999 and 2000 led the program on football Number two together to Giorgio Tosatti and Marino Bartoletti. In 2000 enters also join the group of conductors In Sunday. As a bonus, here's a 24 second silent video of Barbara getting her ass massaged. Barbara Chiappini Ass Massage - Watch more free videos
By:|July 14, 2008
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