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Update: DMX to Fight George Zimmerman in Celebrity Boxing Match; Rapper Vows to Urinate ‘Right in His Muthaf*ckin’ Face’

"I am going to beat the living f**k out of him. I am breaking every rule in boxing to make sure I f**k him right up."

By:|February 5, 2014


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Yes, Emily Ratajkowski Will Be in the 2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue [20 Pics]

It'll be the first SI Swimsuit Issue appearance for Ratajkowski ("the j is silent"), who blasted into public consciousness last year thanks to her delightfully topless appearance in Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" video.

By:|February 4, 2014


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Five Incredible Philip Seymour Hoffman Videos That You Probably Haven’t Seen Before

Deleted scenes, hilarious outtakes, and more rare footage from one of the greatest character actors of all time. RIP, good sir.

By:|February 3, 2014


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5 Potential Opponents for George Zimmerman’s Celebrity Boxing Match

Behold: The most punchable face in the universe.

By:|January 31, 2014


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12 Classes That Should Be Taught in Elementary School

Grade-school "education" is pointless filler designed to create good capitalist drones while allowing teachers enough down-time to play Candy Crush. Here's what our children should be learning.

By:|January 30, 2014


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God Has Nothing to Do With the Super Bowl, You F***ing Idiots

If you really believe God is omnipotent and benevolent, answer a question for us: Why does God’s plan for the human race include football?

By:|January 29, 2014


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25 Things We Could Do in an Elevator Together

It's you and me on our way up to the 13th floor and the elevator craps out. We're trapped. Is help coming? Maybe. Maybe we'll die here together. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. What exactly can you do with me on an elevator we may never get off of? Behold!

By:|January 6, 2014


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Where’s Holy Taco?

Hi everyone, I'm not dead! Rejoice! fact is, I do most of my work these days over at Break.com

By:|December 30, 2013


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The People of Walmart

I was robbed at a Wal Mart yesterday so I'm taking today off. Here's a people of Wal Mart video. Screw you, guy who owns my phone now.

By:|December 19, 2013


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25 Things No One Wants for Christmas

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat and I have no pennies for that old man’s hat. Why? Because I’ve been buying overpriced shit like fashion turtles and Marxist philosophy textbooks for people on my Christmas list

By:|December 17, 2013


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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: December 13th

I think I missed even writing this feature last week, probably due to drunkenness or prison, but I’ll thank you not to meddle in my affairs. I trust all the films from last week sucked, however.

By:|December 13, 2013


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Because It’s So Damn Cold Outside

It’s cold here. Too cold. Frigid as a nun with a hormone imbalance. I don’t like it.

By:|December 12, 2013


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An Open Letter to the Wendy’s That Made Me Violently Ill

Dear Wendy’s, I want to start by letting you know I understand.  I do.  You’re a massive franchise fast food restaurant that operates in a system where you employ hundreds of thousands of people for minimum wage, meaning you’re getting only the people willing to be degraded and berated by low brow members of the [...]

By:|December 10, 2013


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25 Curses You Utter When Your New Router Fails

This weekend I bought a new router after realizing I’d been using the same router since about 2005 and it was only capable of top speeds somewhere around half of what my modem should be kicking out. Basically I was putting premium fuel in old timey bicycle that had a lawn motor engine strapped to it. It was ridiculous.

By:|December 9, 2013


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8 Khristmas Kards Almost as Good as the Kardashians’

Send your love to others the way the Kardashians do, with an idiotic card!

By:|December 5, 2013


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4 More Bad Ass Ways the Pope Could Impress Us

The Catholic Church is enjoying an unprecedented time in its history thanks to one man – Pope Francis. Unlike the last two Popes, Pope Francis actually seems like a guy who wants to use his influence to make the world a better place. It’s ironic and sad to say this, but he seems like a genuinely good man. Why is that surprising? Because I can’t think of another genuinely good man in any position of power anywhere on earth.

By:|December 4, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Victoria’s Other Secret

It was the spin after the toilet that sold me on this video.

By:|December 4, 2013


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Your Christmas Party Playlist

Now is the time for malls, outlet stores and shitty, shitty radio stations to assault your ears with seasonal vitriol. According to science, a man can only listen to a cover of Santa Baby three times before a large portion of the brain turns to mush. That song sucks that badly.

By:|December 3, 2013


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25 Things The Walking Dead Midseason Finale Needed

So confident am I that AMC misfired on this episode, I’m actually writing this article two hours before it airs. I’m that good . I am going to tell you all the things you didn’t see that you needed to see, and wanted to see, and should have seen. I am going to make a real classic where none existed.

By:|December 2, 2013


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Celebrate Thanksgiving with Thanksgiving GIFs

Because it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without GIFs.

By:|November 28, 2013