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25 Things No One Wants for Christmas

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat and I have no pennies for that old man’s hat. Why? Because I’ve been buying overpriced shit like fashion turtles and Marxist philosophy textbooks for people on my Christmas list

By:|December 17, 2013


Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: December 13th

I think I missed even writing this feature last week, probably due to drunkenness or prison, but I’ll thank you not to meddle in my affairs. I trust all the films from last week sucked, however.

By:|December 13, 2013


Because It’s So Damn Cold Outside

It’s cold here. Too cold. Frigid as a nun with a hormone imbalance. I don’t like it.

By:|December 12, 2013


An Open Letter to the Wendy’s That Made Me Violently Ill

Dear Wendy’s, I want to start by letting you know I understand.  I do.  You’re a massive franchise fast food restaurant that operates in a system where you employ hundreds of thousands of people for minimum wage, meaning you’re getting only the people willing to be degraded and berated by low brow members of the [...]

By:|December 10, 2013


25 Curses You Utter When Your New Router Fails

This weekend I bought a new router after realizing I’d been using the same router since about 2005 and it was only capable of top speeds somewhere around half of what my modem should be kicking out. Basically I was putting premium fuel in old timey bicycle that had a lawn motor engine strapped to it. It was ridiculous.

By:|December 9, 2013


8 Khristmas Kards Almost as Good as the Kardashians’

Send your love to others the way the Kardashians do, with an idiotic card!

By:|December 5, 2013


4 More Bad Ass Ways the Pope Could Impress Us

The Catholic Church is enjoying an unprecedented time in its history thanks to one man – Pope Francis. Unlike the last two Popes, Pope Francis actually seems like a guy who wants to use his influence to make the world a better place. It’s ironic and sad to say this, but he seems like a genuinely good man. Why is that surprising? Because I can’t think of another genuinely good man in any position of power anywhere on earth.

By:|December 4, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Victoria’s Other Secret

It was the spin after the toilet that sold me on this video.

By:|December 4, 2013


Your Christmas Party Playlist

Now is the time for malls, outlet stores and shitty, shitty radio stations to assault your ears with seasonal vitriol. According to science, a man can only listen to a cover of Santa Baby three times before a large portion of the brain turns to mush. That song sucks that badly.

By:|December 3, 2013


25 Things The Walking Dead Midseason Finale Needed

So confident am I that AMC misfired on this episode, I’m actually writing this article two hours before it airs. I’m that good . I am going to tell you all the things you didn’t see that you needed to see, and wanted to see, and should have seen. I am going to make a real classic where none existed.

By:|December 2, 2013


Celebrate Thanksgiving with Thanksgiving GIFs

Because it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without GIFs.

By:|November 28, 2013


Kanye West’s 2014 To Do List

Kanye West is a busy man. He has to refer to himself as a god in a non-ironic way during interviews. He has to simulate sex with his girlfriend in terrible music videos. He has to interrupt awards shows (which he was doing well before the Taylor Swift incident, like that time in 2006 when he lost an award and went on stage anyway to argue that he should have won), and also whine about awards shows when he doesn’t win, like the time he swore he’d never appear on MTV again after not winning at the VMAs.

By:|November 27, 2013


Naming Superheroes According to B-List Character Rules

If you’ve spent any time reading comic books, watching comic book movies or enjoy the myriad of comic book cartoons, odds are you’re passingly familiar with superheroes and their alternate identities. I would wager all of you know that Batman’s real name is Bruce Wayne and Spiderman is Peter Parker.

By:|November 26, 2013


25 Names You Can Use If You Ever Get Into Porn

Choosing a porn star name is an art and most people are not artists. Have you ever used one of those porn star name apps or tricks, like where you combine the name of the street you grew up on with the name of your first pet? And one person on earth will get the name Ember Lashtail and that will be awesome, but you end up with the name 7th Dog?

By:|November 25, 2013


Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Nov 22nd

We missed last week due to a technical problem and we may as well miss this week because you know who’s making all the money, but hey, let’s make fun of the movies no one is going to see this weekend.

By:|November 22, 2013


What Ever Happened to Holy Taco’s Ex-Employees?

As some of you have noticed, this entire site is run by me, Ian Fortey, and it has been for a while now. But it wasn’t always so. Holy Taco has previously been run by a team of highly skilled comedy luminaries and doctors with PhDs in hilarity (one had a Masters in witticisms as well).

By:|November 21, 2013


Advice for the Poor and Hungry This Holiday Season

McDonalds cares about its employees as demonstrated on its McResources website. Because many of its employees don’t earn the money required to have a nice Thanksgiving, or really live a decent life, they offer up some simple solutions for combating hunger and making the most of what you have.

By:|November 20, 2013


A Brief Introduction to the Planthopper from Suriname

Recently discovered in the rain forests of Suriname, the planthopper is one of 60 new species recently cataloged by people who go into jungles and say “anyone know what this is?”

By:|November 19, 2013

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Drunken Argument: Chicken Wings or Pizza

Hey! Welcome back to Drunken Arguments. This feature hasn’t been on the site in ages, but I thought I’d dust it off just for you on account of right now, it’s about 11:37 PM and I’ve been drinking. So I have half the article written already!

By:|November 14, 2013


The One Worst Comic Book Movie of All Time

Naming the worst comic book movie ever is no easy feat. Google it and you’ll find lists and the reason is two fold. One, people love lists. I will give you 9 reasons why tomorrow. Two, it’s hard to pick just one. The one single one that is worse than all the other ones.

By:|November 13, 2013