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How To Tuesday: How to Overcome a Hostile Alien Attack

So you’ve decided not to die at the hands of creepy, tentacle invaders, good for you! If Hollywood is to be believed, and Hollywood is never wrong, then aliens are climbing over each other to get to earth. One in ten of those aliens wants to hug us and eat delicious candy, while the other nine have yet to decide on the best course of action – hump us or kill us

By:|April 17, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: I Just Sold Instagram!

Everything about this seems pretty much right.

By:|April 17, 2012


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The GIF Hole

The Best part about GIFs is the GIF part.

By:|April 16, 2012


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Tupac’s Hologram Performed At Coachcella. The Future Is Now. And It’s Wearing Saggy Jeans.

It must have been a mind melting experience being at Coachcella this past weekend, especially if you were on drugs. Not only did you get to see performance from Snoop Dog and his cavalcade of surprise guests, including Dr. Dre, Whiz Kalifa, Warren G., and Eminem, but you also saw the triumphant return of a man that’s been dead since 1996 – Tupac Shakur.

By:|April 16, 2012


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The Walking Carl: Chapter 3

Found a house full of zombies up the street this morning. Mostly they ignored me because I’m not essential to the plot unless everyone knows I’m missing, which they didn’t at the time. It’s kind of nice, actually, unless they notice I’m gone in the middle of something cool, and then it’s like a spotlight hits me. Remember that zombie in the mud that got Dale? Wouldn’t have caused any troubles if no one stopped to wonder where I was. Oh well, spilled milk.

By:|April 16, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: Judge Judy is Ridiculous

If you watch this whole thing you'll learn they're straight, he lit a bird on fire, he killed the cat, someone's an artist and the whole thing including that one guy's life, is ridiculous.

By:|April 16, 2012


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Game Of Thrones Makes Me Want To Watch A Child Die

My biggest gripe of the show and the books so far is that Joffrey isn’t dead yet.

By:|April 13, 2012


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One Direction: A Video Breakdown

One Direction are a British band that were forged in the fires of Simon Cowell’s supple man bosom. They’ve been around for a while but are blowing up in America now and were just recently on SNL. To celebrate that, I forced myself to watch their video and break it down for you here.

By:|April 13, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: The ‘Lympics!

Get your spandex body suits on, Kids. The Lympics are coming.

By:|April 13, 2012


Lockout-Movie

A Letter To The Commercial For The Movie “Lockout”

Dear Lockout, You look like a silly-ass movie. As such, I will probably watch you three times and love it. But, please, stop pretending that you aren’t a silly-ass movie. You are a movie about a prison break in space that has shitty, generic rock music playing during your commercial – rock music with the highly lame lyric “I’m a badass!” You’re silly, so stop pretending you aren’t.

By:|April 12, 2012


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6 of the Whitest Songs Ever

Music is often a very emotional, soulful experience for people. It’s hard to listen to some Beethoven without feeling a little bit moved, or to listen to Nickelback without feeling a little bit queasy. And then there are songs that were made delightfully soulless and may have been targeted to people Rick Santorum thinks are slightly square. For you Wonderbread types, here’s some of the best of the brand.

By:|April 12, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: Kill it with Violence!

No, straight up, I agree.

By:|April 12, 2012


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Place Bets On Which Companies Facebook Will Buy Next

If you’re a compulsive gambler and are also very tuned in to what’s happening on the business side the tech industry, PaddyPower.com will either make you extremely rich or so poor you’ll have to -- GASP! --use far cheaper non-Apple products.

By:|April 11, 2012


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Win a Date with Holy Taco

Hey there, sweetness, you’re lookin’ mighty fine. Oh, sorry, didn’t see you there. I was talking to myself. Yes kids, Holy Taco is presenting to you an unprecedented opportunity – a date with this website. Never dated a website before? No worries, as editor, I can let you know what may be in store for you. I can’t 100% guarantee what will happen as I’m no psychic. I don’t have access to other worldly knowledge. I’m not “tuned in.” I don’t “sober up” to write articles. I’m not “entirely aware” of what all these words even mean. But I do know this website. Because I write it. All. Day. Long. Mmm.

By:|April 11, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: Pushover Plunger

JaboOody Dubs, you could sell me anything.

By:|April 11, 2012


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Hate Filing Taxes? Die In A Car Crash. Everyone Else Is Doing It.

Tax Day is a miserable experience if you’re one of them millions of Americas that file at the last minute. You’re scrambling out of your home with a shoebox filled with Burger King receipts that you’re hoping can be deducted as a work expense, barreling through traffic, trying to get to the home of the octogenarian with early signs of Alzheimer’s that does your taxes. It’s stressful. It’s panic mode. You had forever to file and you didn’t because, hey, Tax Day is so in the future. You don’t need to do it now. It’s going to happen then, so you’ll wait until then. What can possibly go wrong?

By:|April 10, 2012


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The GIF Hole

Man, look at these GIFs, all giffy and whatnot. Yeah. GIF!

By:|April 10, 2012


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How to Make a Summer Blockbuster

So, you’ve decided to entertain people with soulless vacuousness, good for you! The summer blockbuster is an art form unto itself, forged in the white hot jism of Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer on the peaks of Mt. ‘Splosion! Is it as easy as having robots and boners wrestle with busty pirates while base jumping and shooting bazookas full of napalm-soaked machetes? Probably, but I’m calling dibs on that idea, so just finish reading the article.

By:|April 10, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: Street Dentistry

This video is a little old, but still awesome. Also, please not that the same uncovered fluid he injects in that woman's mouth, he also uses to wash the pliers. What?

By:|April 10, 2012


Short Skirt

Creepy Study Shows 23-Year-Old Girls Wear The Shortest Skirts

Debenhams, a department store chain in the U.K., conducted a study on the length of women’s skirts that we can only hope wasn’t conducted by balding/greying male science types in their mid-50s, possibly researched while slowly creeping by high schools in a nondescript windowless van.

By:|April 9, 2012


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