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The Day I Met Nicolas Cage

If you’ve followed my writing closely in the past, and you have for fear of punishment, then you are aware I have brushes with celebrities the same way hobos have brushes with sanity – those stark, unpredictable moments when sense almost creeps into their thought processes and then it’s back to masturbating in a dumpster. Yes, I have rubbed elbows with Ray Liotta, and rubbed other things with Peter Weller, as well as 80’s pop sensation Tiffany, and 90’s smut-based cartoon Li’l Kim. Well I’ve saved the best for last, this being last in chronological order compared to those others, though if you read this after my next one it will be second last, and this whole paragraph will end on this poorly thought out and awkwardly structured note.

By:|April 2, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: Ted

Not everyone loves Seth McFarlane. We do. And this is why.

By:|April 2, 2012


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Buni

This happened to me, too, Buni. No worries.

By:|March 31, 2012


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Was Rick Santorum About To Say The N-Word?

Just before I went to bed last night, I came across a minor news story that seemed like it could develop in to a major news story. Some are claiming that republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum may have used the N-word while talking about Barack Obama during a campaign speech. Without having read the story or watching the video, I fell asleep thinking it was simply a case of Santorum opponents freaking out over something that never even happened, just to make him look bad. I’m no Santorum fan, but there’s no way he could have used the N-word when talking about a black person. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. And then I woke up and watched the video, which you can see below:

By:|March 30, 2012


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Please Stop Pole Dancing, Dad

Hey Dad, Hope you're not totally caught off guard by this letter, but there's an issue that myself and the rest of the family have to bring to your attention. It's about your pole dancing. We've been supporting you for long enough, but we can no longer remain quiet about this.

By:|March 30, 2012


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I Now Irrationally Fear Sneezing So Hard That I Break My Neck

I have a few irrational fears. For example, I fear walking on a side walk beside a busy road and someone blazing down the street in their car going 65 MPH hangs out the window and chucks a brick at my head. I developed this fear as a child while walking home from school. It’s entirely irrational. I’ve never heard of that happening to anyone. It was something I dreamed up once, immediately became terrified of it, and never let it go – rationality be damned. I can be a 87-year old failure that lives with my mom’s ashes in the home I was raised in, never having done anything with my life other than writing stuff that lets people slack off at work, but if no one ever tossed a speeding brick at my head at any point, I win the game of life.

By:|March 29, 2012


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UPDATE: The Duggars Are Still Weird and Gross

You guys remember the Duggars, right? Of course you do. How could you forget about America's fastest reproducing family? Mama Duggar is once again publicly defending her choice to have way too many kids! This time she's made it her mission to remind everyone that the earth can't have enough children, and that Earth's overcrowding is just a myth. Apparently, Mama Duggar has never been to Manhattan. That's where I am as I type this, and I'm doing it from a coffee shop while sitting on a man's shoulders, and my elbows are touching the peoples' on either side of me, because they too are stacked on top of other people, but I shouldn't complain, this Starbucks isn't even that busy.

By:|March 29, 2012


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English Politician Doesn’t Know Why People Freak Out When He Tells Them About His 9-Foot Tall Alien Mother

We’ve come to expect that, as humans, most politicians are closet weirdos. We can’t vet all candidates so thoroughly that we catch their full-on weirdness, so it leaks out little bit little over a period of time, mostly after they’ve already been elected. Simon Parkes of Whitby, England is one such case, even though no one in Whitby should be surprised by Simon’s particular brand of weird because he’s been very forthcoming about it for years: he claims his “real” mother is a green, 9-foot tall alien.

By:|March 28, 2012


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Yakov Smirnoff, Ladies And Gentlemen

"In Russia, internet meme creates YOU!" Ever wonder where that common reversal came from? It was Yakov Smirnoff, the Russian comic who rose to stardom during the eighties, when we really needed a caricature of a Russian person so we'd have an easier time bombing them if the Cold War became a real war.

By:|March 28, 2012


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10 Questions About Herman Cain’s New Ad

Why is J.J. Abrams shooting bunnies?

By:|March 27, 2012


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Tenacious D Is Back, Get Excited!

Jack and Kyle are making an eventual return, as indicated by this fake/real video clip that's been floating around online. That's amazing news for anyone who likes funny things. It should be interesting to see how their separate career paths will meet again. Check out the recent clip below, and a few of our favorite Tenacious D vids. Then relive the early 2000's with me.

By:|March 27, 2012


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Man Saws Off Own Foot To Get Out of Work

There’s a strange phenomenon out there in the world involving people that desperately want a day off from work. I’ve written about it before. It’s that strange, somewhat illogical mentality found in people that put a lot of work in to making sure they don’t work. It’s really all about misplaced drive and determination. For some, a steady pay check will produce the bare minimum amount of motivation, whereas the idea of working extra hard to get paid and not work the job they’re getting paid to work is a much more alluring prospect.

By:|March 26, 2012


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Hilarious, Classic Cartoon Violence!

Hey, who said old cartoons were boring? You want excitement, danger and action? Then you should probably avoid anything on the Disney channel and turn your eyes to the classics. In the early days of film animation, studios weren't afraid to put their character's necks on the chopping block for entertainment value. Kids didn't watch wimpy crap like Dora the Explorer. They didn't waste time watching cartoons so they could unknowingly absorb useful knowledge. They watched cartoons so they could laugh at the pain of an innocent cartoon rat getting beaten to death.

By:|March 26, 2012


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The MILF Urge: Other M’s I’d Like to F

American Pie came out in 1999 and aside from making everyone lust after nerdy girls at band camp it also introduced us to the wonder of the MILF, moms we’d like to finder inner peace with, or something very much like that. The term MILF has remained a part of our lexicon and that’s great. To celebrate American Reunion we thought we’d go over some of our favorite present day MILFs, but then we thought everyone would do that. So why not swap out that M and find some different M’s to fill in because all M’s worth F-ing deserve some recognition. On with the M’s.

By:|March 23, 2012


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New Jersey Middle School Bans Hugging. Will Soon Ban Joy, Smiles, Puppies

“It seems it’s easier to get the cold shoulder than it is to get a warm hug here in Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School…” is the absolutely awful opening line used by a Fox affiliate in New Jersey during the reporting of a story about a middle school that has banned its students from hugging each other.

By:|March 23, 2012


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The Neighborhood Watch Reference Chart

If you're unaware of the Trayvon Martin case, you're either dead, or you've been living under a hot rock in Florida. Below is a handy reference guide for all neighborhood watch volunteers, across the country. It should help us all avoid a tragedy like this in the future:

By:|March 23, 2012


Baldness

A Cure For Baldness, Man Boobs, And Other Dude Problems

Get excited, chrome-domes. They've discovered the cause for male pattern baldness, which means they're one step closer to finding the cure! This is a great time to be in your early thirties. Just as your hair starts disappearing and your boners begin to lose steam, modern medicine has refined a solution for both. There's a lot of problems dudes in that age range face, and unfortunately, there's not always a pill they can pop to solve them. If you're in over twenty-five to thirty-five demographic, you know there's a few issues you could use a prescription for. Medicine needs to focus on developing the following things:

By:|March 22, 2012


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How To Tell If the Shirt You’ve Been Wearing For Many Days Needs To Be Washed

We’ve all had a string of days in our lives in which we fall madly, deeply in love with a particular shirt. We’ll take it off when we go to bed, but we won’t put it away. We’ll just toss it somewhere nearby with the intention of putting it on again in the morning. We’ve all had that one shirt that’s so comfortable and convenient that we will convince ourselves that washing it would ruin the good thing we’ve got going on here; that washing it will suck out its magic.

By:|March 22, 2012


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The Morning Jolt: Jim’s Retired

Jim Retires 2018Warm2019 Apple Pie - Watch More Funny Videos Remember the pie scene from American Pie? It was probably the first time in your life you saw someone who didn’t live with you humping an apple pie. It kind of united us that way. Well, American Reunion is on its way and everyone’s a little older now, but age has no hold over your ability to stick it to a pie, as demonstrated by this video of retired Jim. Good times.

By:|March 22, 2012


Angry female naked mole rat.Credit: Buffenstein/Barshop Institute/UTHSCSA

Animals Conceived in Hell

If deer and rabbits can be conceived in heaven, about about all the other poor guys conceived in hell?  Let's take a look!

By:|March 21, 2012


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