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By:|May 19, 2008


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cynthia nixon fat girlfriend

By:|May 19, 2008


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Models Are Good At Falling Down

Models Falling Down - Watch more free videos You may remember our 12 videos of famous people falling down we put up a few weeks ago. Well, someone seemed to like it so much that they put together a lovely montage of runway models falling down on the runway. Models have two jobs: 1) look pretty, and 2) walk upright. If they weren't empty and rich and high on cocaine and power, I might actually feel sorry for them when they weren't able to pull off #2. But since they are, I'm not.

By:|May 19, 2008


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When Asian Instructions Go Bad

I purchased this crappy souvenir magic trick on a recent trip to Las Vegas. According to the photo on the box, this magic trick is supposed to let you push a coin through a piece of leather and into a shot glass-sized cup. Aside from being called the "Magic Black Hole," there are a few issues with this trick. First off, it doesn't work. Secondly, while the Chinese company that made it included a set of instructions, they make about as much sense as Asian game shows. Here they are, in full: Before performance, please read the explanation clearly. If any question, dial the service line for any question. We wish you a bright performer. OK, so there isn't actually a "service line" for me to call. But since they're wishing me a "bright performer," I feel a sense of cameraderie with these people and can't get too mad at them. Legend of Black Hole Performance Effect A glass with black leather covering on and two coins on the leather. The audience choose one, then the magician presses on the other coin. The coin falls into the glass. And there is no hole left on the leather. So far, so good, right? This is where things take a turn for the crazy. Preparation Pull the central part of the black leather and make it transparent. Push One-Yuan coin upward till the leather absorbs the coin, which looks as if the coin locates on the leather. Fix the leather with a band. Place a Five-Jiao coin on the leather. It seems One-Yuan coin pressing the Five-Jao coin on the leather. Umm, what? Do you know how hard you have to pull on leather to make it transparent? (Hint: really, really hard.) And have you ever tried to make leather "absorb" a coin? It doesn't actually "work." Let's continue: Instruction 1. Say to the audience: "we have two coins for you to choose from saying all right, "I'll perform with One-Yuan coin." if the audience select One-Yuan coin. Or saying: "ok, please take away this Five-Jiao coin and I'll perform with One-Yuan coin" if the audience select Five-Jiao coin on the leather. 2. Press the One-Yuan coin downward. The coin falls down to the glass and the leather is surprisingly perfect. P.S. The One-Yuan coin locates under the leather therefore, the leather is perfect after the coin falls in the glass. Yes, these instructions come with an actual "P.S." which basically says, "Oh, by the way, you have to actually have magical powers to make this crappy trick work." On the upside, the company that made this awesome piece of crap also wrote me a letter to try and make me feel better. It says:

By:|May 19, 2008


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magic trick

By:|May 19, 2008


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Laura Vandervoort

Age: 23 Where you've seen her: If you missed Laura Vandervoort in the amazing "Mom's Got A Date With A Vampire," then maybe you saw her play Kara Kent (aka Supergirl) in "Smallville." I've never seen the show, but I hope she has an overweight friend named "SuperFat Girl." I hate it when actors take their crappy characters way too seriously and say something like this: "Kara and Clark have some disagreements over hiding their abilities. She doesn't have a problem with showing them to the world, so Clark has to tell her she can't just use her laser beams to cook something. Basically, she's trying to fit in as a teenage girl on Earth,you know, what clothes to wear and all that kind of stuff. "

By:|May 19, 2008


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By:|May 19, 2008


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laura vandervoort bikini sex sexy

By:|May 19, 2008


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laura vandervoort bikini sex sexy

By:|May 19, 2008


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laura vandervoort bikini sex sexy

By:|May 19, 2008


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laura vandervoort bikini sex sexy

By:|May 19, 2008


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Link Time

Jason Giambi enjoys slump busters (busted coverage) Rachel Bilson bends over for your enjoyment (Hollywoodtuna) Angelina Jolie topless photos (egotastic) This Oprah audience goes f-ing nuts (college humor) SNL commencement speakers (coedmagazine) Cabinet member/topless model Mara Carfagna (Camel Tap) I hate you: Subway train pole dancer (double viking) Kelly Brook 2008 Calendar (Hornyoyster) A urinal video game (tasty booze) Indiana Jones and the Lego ball of death (I-am-Bored) Classic face plant (weak game) Steve Balmer gets egged in Hungary Kimbo Slice versus Mike Tyson

By:|May 18, 2008


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Holy Taco Comment Of The Week

This week's comment of the week comes from our post 10 Items You Think Make You Cool, But Don't.  Never did I think so many people would take something seriously that was posted on a site that makes roughly 2.7 diarrhea jokes/day.  If I ever walk into an alley of filled with longboard skateboarders, tell my mother I love her for me. This week's winner: Dickgrays1 Comment: dickgrays1 Says: May 14th, 2008 at 1:23 pm Screw you! , Sent from my iPhone New contest starts right now.  Sorry for not posting this on Friday, got a little backed up.  That's not a pun, and thus does not count as one of our 2.7 diarrhea jokes for today.

By:|May 18, 2008


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By:|May 18, 2008


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Jolie-Pitt Kids May Be Terrified

When my mom was pregnant with me, my dad said my brothers would act as if they were pregnant, then my oldest brother would pretend to birth a throw pillow out of his shorts, while my other brother would grab the pillow and pretend to be the voice of the baby/pillow and go "Look at me!  I'm a stupid baby that can't talk but I still get to have my own room even though my brothers are way bigger and now have to share a room.  I hate myself and am stupid."  Lucky for the Jolie-Pitt twins, their future brothers and sisters seem to be happily awaiting their arrival.  People.com reports: Expectant mom Angelina Jolie says her kids are pretending to be pregnant! "Our three-year-old and four-year-old keep saying they have animals in their bellies," Jolie told the UK's GMTV. The actress continued, "Our daughter keeps saying that she's got little piggies and she has to eat brownies because the piggies need to eat brownies. And our four-year-old says he's got monkeys. So it's become fun in the house." Laugh it up Angelina, but apparently you've never seen a horror movie before, because that's how that shit starts.  Little kid says something and no one believes them, then suddenly you're sleeping at night and you roll over to kiss Brad and his head rolls away because he's been decapitated.  Then you scream and turn on the light and there's a bunch of monkeys and pigs going ape-shit in your bedroom, thirsty for blood.  Then you'll wish you'd listened.

By:|May 18, 2008


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By:|May 18, 2008


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Trailer for 90210 Remake. Yay.

So, they're remaking 90210, which the guy who sits next to me says "Is like remaking The Godfather." I'm not sure I fully agree with him, but I do agree that no one gives a shit about a 90210 remake. So, in an effort to translate what these new characters are all about, I went ahead and used my Bullshit Translator 5000, so that we could hear what they were really saying.

By:|May 18, 2008


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Scarlett Johansson Wants Special Treatment

Every time I walk my dog, we walk past this big patch of thick ivy near my house and he takes a shit in the ivy.   But then one day the person who owned the ivy patch came outside and was like "I don't want your dog shitting in my ivy."  So now I don't let him shit there, but he's basically refused to shit on walks unless it's in this dude's ivy.  Not only that but even when I take him to soft grassy spots and beg him to shit, he looks at the grass, smells it, and then like, snorts in disgust as if to say "Please.  I would NEVER shit here."  Life is all about what you've grown accustomed to.  Just ask Scarlett Johannson.  Celebitchy reports: Scarlett Johansson was left at home in New York after a film studio refused to pay for the star's bloated demands to attend the Cannes Film Festival to launch Woody Allen's latest movie. There was a problem over [the] hotel. I'm pretty sure if Scarlett Johannson asked me to do anything, I'd first turn around and tuck the erection I had under my belt, then turn back around and say yes.  What could she have possibly asked for in regards to a hotel room that was so "bloated?"   I'm thinking it was something like this: I'm totally feeling her with the midgets playing one on one, the huge rice krispy treat, the alcoholic monkey, the hot dog toaster, and both the Israeli and Palestinian flags, but Bob Wickman plays on the Braves now, not the Indians.  I doubt he'd be down to stand outside all day in that jersey.

By:|May 18, 2008


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By:|May 18, 2008


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Flying Peniscopter Disrupts Russian Meeting

Sex Toy Helicopter Interrupts Speech - Watch more free videos If I had a nickel for every time a flying peniscopter came swooping in during one of my many important speeches, well, I don't think I would have any nickels. But this Russian guy would have at least one.

By:|May 18, 2008


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