Jessica Alba Loves D-bags And Sick Kids
For the last four months I've been trying to formulate a plan that would allow me touch Jessica Alba's boobs. I'm not going to go into details, but it involved a Honda Accord, three boxes of cheerios, a Hitler costume and Cincinnatti Reds outfielder Adam Dunn. Don't try to make sense out of it, it was very layered and complicated. But now I realized there's a waaaaay easier and more effective method. Starmagazine.com reports: [Jessica alba responded] when a young fan with a serious heart problem wanted to spend some special time with her Alina Kent, a 9-year-old native of Stockbridge, Ga., suffers from mitral valve regurgitation, a potentially deadly Alina and Jessica spent hours at the salon getting makeovers together. "She even asked me to help with her hair and makeup," raves Alina. "We talked about movies and acting. And we were silly, too. Because I have to drink a lot of water, we had a water drinking contest!" Hmmm, okay, here's my new plan:
By:|April 10, 2008
Is Your Baby In The Right Gang?
Maybe it's time to pass a few "You Must Be This Smart To Be A Parent" laws. According to upi.com: Police in Commerce City, Colo., said a man who created a disturbance at his ex-girlfriend's job was upset about her choice of street gang for their child. Officers said Joseph Manzanares, 19, who was fined $810 after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct, knocked over a computer and a magazine stand at the Hollywood Video, which employs his ex-girlfriend. A police report said the woman told officers she split with Manzanares, the father of her child, because they have "different ideas about how the baby should be raised." Officer David Swift said he asked the woman to be more specific, and she explained that the parents belong to different street gangs. "They could not agree on which gang the baby would claim," Swift said. Some parents spend their child's formative years prepping them to get into the right pre-school to help their chances of getting into Harvard or Princeton. Others want to make sure their child is a full-fledged member of the Crips before it can walk. You say tomato, I say pleasecallchildservicesimmediately.
By:|April 10, 2008
Make Your Dog or Cat Into A Floor Mat!
If there's two things I really hate, it's when I track mud into my house, and when a beloved pet of mine dies. Well, now there's one answer...for both! That's right, now you too can enjoy the memories of your beloved deceased pet every day by turning him into a door mat. Not only will you relive all the wonderful memories you shared every time you step on him, you'll also keep those new hardwood floors spotless! According to an italian website called river-blog.com, there's a dude producing gems such as this one: Doesn't he look peaceful?! Not to mention, do you see any messy footprints on the ground around him? I don't! Maybe the Italians have it right. Here we are belaboring over the death of family members when the process of coping could be so much easier if we turned them in to a coffee table that could be the center piece of any successful party! Bellisimo!
By:|April 10, 2008
The Perils Of A Teenage Boy
The look of frustrated anger on this young man's face really brings me back. He just got out of the pool, he's dripping wet, he's waiting for that asshole to get out of the way so he can get some pizza and then, out of nowhere, an untimely erection. Anyone who's not had the pleasure of experiencing male teenage hormones might think the two bikini-clad girls in front of him sparked his wood. Sure there's a possiblity, but chances are he had that long before he got in line. The teenage boy's member can be called to attention by nearly anything. Here are a few examples: A slight wind Watching Peter Gammons report from the stands Chairs The sound of a can of tuna fish opening Opossums Hearing the word "bassoon" Faxing a resume Tom Clancy novels Eric Scott "Butterbean" Esch Changing a tire Having sex with a girl Herb gardens Being awake
By:|April 10, 2008
Taco Belle: Mila Kunis
Age: 24 Where you've seen her: Mila Kunis was Jackie on That 70s Show, the voice of Meg on Family Guy and played the younger version of Angelina Jolie in Gia. I really hope this doesn't mean Mila's going to marry Billy Bob Thornton and adopt half of Africa when she grows up. You can also see her in the upcoming Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Tantalizing tidbit: Mila was born in Russia, but she learned to speak English by watching The Price is Right. Her first English two English words: spay and neuter. via egotastic.com
By:|April 10, 2008
Link Time
My name is Eli and I'm here to say... umm... uhh..... (college humor) Fitness myths debunked (asylum) Philles fans vs. Mets fans (busted coverage) Jakki Degg is in Maxim Germany (camel tap) The Pre-taped call in show (double viking) Heidi Klum Topless (hornyoyster) Golf gets people pumped, awkwardly (complex) 10 hottest celebrity photo shoots (unibrow) Somebody has a proud mom (tastybooze) College QB likes the drugs (coedmagazine)
By:|April 9, 2008
Adrian Grenier: Homeless or Homely?
I guess if you're a super good looking and famous dude, sometimes you wonder, "how ugly can I make myself and still have chicks physically try to hurl their vaginas at me?" According to popsugar.com, this is a picture of Adrian Grenier last night leaving some restaurant. From the looks of it, I'd say he probably didn't leave the restaurant, but was forced to leave due to his smelling like urine and his pestering of the guests for "just a few bucks so I can get a sandwich at 7/11. I ain't buyin booze with it. I ain't." He looks like Robin Williams from that movie where he played the bum that snuck into classes at Harvard. Seriously, how far will this ugly challenge go? I put his picture into a computer to simulate what he'd look like in six months. Enjoy:
By:|April 9, 2008
What Is Dick Cheney Looking At?
This photo was taken of Dick Cheney on a recent trip fly-fishing in Idaho, but there seems to be an odd reflection in his sunglasses... According to White House spokesperson Meagan Mitchell: "Clearly the picture shows a hand casting a rod." Um, yeah. Someone's got a rod in their hand alright. The kind of rod you find right after you do some "fly" fishing in your Levi's. Now that I think about it, I'd love to go on his next outdoorsy vacation. Between his shooting-people-in-the-face hunting trips and his possible-naked-lady fishing trips, the man really know how to get back to nature. Can he stay Vice President forever? I really want to see what happens when he goes kayaking.
By:|April 9, 2008
Lauren Conrad Goes To White House
Normally, you have to have done something noteworthy to get an invitation to the White House, like be a war hero, or a nobel prize winner, or even a retarded kid who hit a bunch of three pointers in a high school game. The point is, you used to have had to do something. Now that's changed. Usmagazine.com reports: The Hills' Lauren Conrad is among the celebs on the list to attend the White House Press Correspondents Association Dinner on April 26. Perez Hilton, another attendee, will be a guest of the Bloomberg financial network. Oooh! The show pig is going! I can't wait until I see an article in Usmagazine.com shortly after that says "Perez says Cheney gave him HJ." Seriously, who makes the guest list for this f*&king thing? I imagine this was the thought process: WHITE HOUSE GUY #1: Let's see, we have two spots left for the correspondents dinner. WHITE HOUSE GUY #2: Why don't we invite that soldier who had his nuts blown off while saving eight of his men, and his wife who struggles every day to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives? WHITE HOUSE GUY #1: Mmmm, sounds like a bummer. Oooh! I know! What about Perez Hilton and Lauren Conrad? WHITE HOUSE GUY #2: Perfect! See, that's why you're you.
By:|April 9, 2008
Ashlee Simpson To Wed Tiny Creature
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (pictured here uninterested at Ashley's offer of a hand job), are now getting married. People.com reports: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are getting married, they announced Wednesday. Simpson's father, Joe, tells PEOPLE he's "totally happy" and "so excited to have Pete as part of (our) family." "We are blessed," he says. That's only part of the quote from Joe Simpson. I think the rest of it said "Now I can take the earning power I harness by exploiting my teenage daughter's breasts and vagina and combine it with the the profit potential of this boy's effeminate good looks to finally reach the elusive gay and european audiences. The world will be mine! MINE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!" Then he disappeared in a puff of smoke. In other news, this may be the physically tiniest couple in the world. Surpassing Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Look at this picture of them standing next to Brad and Angelina:
By:|April 9, 2008
George “Sulu” Takei Sings ‘On The Road Again’
George Takei Goes Country - Watch more free videos I'm not saying George can't sing. I'm just saying I can't stop laughing whenever I hear him sing the line "on the road again." (Also, check out the short clip of Uhura standing up at the end. Total GILF.) via neatorama
By:|April 9, 2008
Never Ask A Cow For Help
Cow #1: Hey Dave, can you give me a hand for a second. I think my neck is stuck in this fence. Cow #2: No problem. I'll be right over. Cow #1: Thanks a lot. This is soooooo embarrassing. I have no idea how it happened. One second I'm scratching my back on this post and then...well, here I am. Cow #2: Don't even worry about it. So, how are things otherwise? Cow #1: Not bad. The kids are good. Tommy starts school this year...um, Dave? Cow #2: Yeah? Cow #1: I appreciate your help. I really do. But are you sure this is the best way to get me out of this fence? Cow #2: Hang on. We'll have you out of there in no time.
By:|April 9, 2008
Taco Belle: Audrina Patridge
Age: 22 Where you've seen her: Audrina Patridge has been on The Hills. Which means her career is...I have no idea what being on The Hills means. I'm sorry. Tantalizing tidbit: Reading Audrina's Wikipedia page made me want to kill myself.
By:|April 9, 2008
Link Time
Handheld lie detectors? (asylum) Red Sox fan gets booted at Rockies game (busted Coverage) What is making Dick Cheney Smile (camel tap) Daniel Pestova swimsuit video (double viking) More of Audrina Patridge naked (hornyoyster) Backless bra invented (tastybooze) Best beer pong skills ever (coedmagazine) Manny is not being Manny (chatterbalks)
By:|April 8, 2008
Holy Taco Interviews Adult Film Star Jesse Jane
Holy Taco Interviews Adult Film Star Jesse Jane - Watch more free videos For those of you who don't know, Jesse Jane is not only one of the biggest adult film stars working today, she's also a national treasure. I'm thinking about lobbying to get her a stamp or something. Anyway, we decided it might be cool to interview her...on a roller coaster. Special thanks to Jesse for putting up with our nonsense. She couldn't have been cooler. After watching the video, please enjoy this game provided to us by the guys at Pandasmash.com. See if you can guess what's a Jesse Jane film and what's a roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain.
By:|April 8, 2008
Give-A-Wednesday: Win Daytona 500: 50 Years DVD
Write a caption for this photo of a very special school field trip and you can win a Daytona 500: 50 Years of "The Great American Race" DVD from A&E. As usual, leave your captions in the comments section. See last week's winners after the jump.
By:|April 8, 2008
Please. No More High School Musicals
Remember back in high school when you'd walk down the halls and break into song and dance? No? Yeah, me either. I remember one kid did it once and two football players grabbed him and pinned him to the ground as a third player farted directly into his mouth. But, in the land of Disney, the cool kids sing and dance. And apparently they never stop. Usmagazine.com reports: A fourth installment of Disney's High School Musical is in the works. "We are writing High School Musical 4," Disney Channel Worldwide President Rich Ross told the Hollywood Reporter Tuesday. Yes, that's right, the long awaited fourth installment. I haven't been this excited since I found out there's a history of prostate cancer in my family. What the hell could this one be about. I'm guessing it's along the lines of this:
By:|April 8, 2008
How Many Asians Can Fit In A Train? All Of Them.
Japanese Train Push - Watch more free videos I've had a lot of weird jobs in my life (fluffer, assistant fluffer, assistant to the assistant fluffer) but "Japanese Train Cramming Guy" has yet to make it onto my resume. I'm not sure what qualifications are required, but from the looks of this video you just need a low center of gravity, a complete lack of compassion and some classy white gloves. Which just leaves me with two questions: 1) Where do I get some white gloves? and 2) When can I start cramming?
By:|April 8, 2008
Charlton Heston: A Funeral To Die For
I must admit, I got pretty excited when I heard that Charlton Heston had died. Not because I wanted him dead, but because I knew his funeral was going to be the social event of the season. So I went out and bought a new tuxedo. Then, to make sure I fit in to other funeral attendees, I holstered two 6-shooters, strapped a .22 caliber to each thigh, slid a sawed-off shotgun into my belt and crammed a couple hand grenades into my anus. Then,BOOM!,I got the news: Charlton Heston's family said they would hold a private memorial service while no funeral plans have been announced. What!?!? No funeral? Then where are we going to have the 21-gun salute using body armor-piercing cyanide-tipped bullets (usually reserved for "squirrel hunting")? This is a travesty. If we, as Americans, have the right to blow away a man with a ridiculously large firearm, then we at least have the right to stand over the corpse of the man who fought for our freedom to stand over the corpse of the guy we just blew away wth a ridiculously large firearm. I'm pretty sure that's in the Constitution somewhere. And with that, here are a few suggestions for Mr. Heston's Tombstone. Alzheimer!?!? I Hardly Knew Her! LOLZ Bringing Gun-Loving Psychos To All of Heaven's School Shootings All That Shit I Said About Guns? Totally Kidding. Please Remember Everything I Did. Because I Can't. I Am Cold. And Dead. But I Would Still Prefer To Keep This Gun In My Hands. I Shot Biggie AND Tupac. No Snitchin' Bitches! Guns Don't Kill People. Progressive Degenerative Diseases That Cause Brain Cells To Cease To Function Kill People.
By:|April 8, 2008
Taco Belle: Olivia Munn
Age: 25 Where you've seen her: Olivia Munn is a host of Attack of the Show on G4TV, which means she spends most of her time giving nerds erections. She can also be seen in Rob Schneider's upcoming movie "Big Stan," where she will spend most of her time giving Rob Schneider an erection. Tantalizing tidbit: These photos are from her recent trip to Jamaica where sheOMG!actually may have gotten high on weed.
By:|April 8, 2008
Daily Links
Best of Taco
Holy links
Popular Tacos
- 5 Toppings I Never Want to See on a Burger
- 6 of the Worst Drinks in the World
- 25 Insane ScarificationTattoos
- The 8 Places You Probably Lost Your Virginity
- The 9 Worst Roommates You Will Ever Have
- 25 Zombie Girls
- 10 Items You Think Make You Cool, But Don't
- Denise Milani
- The Anatomy of a Fast Food Restaurant
- Holy Taco Goes To Budweiser
