Holy Taco

Male Monkeys Pay For Sex Just Like You

According to a new scientific investigation, male monkeys aren't so different than my uncle. A study into our primate cousins found that male macaques pay for intercourse by using grooming as a currency. On average, females had sex 1.5 times per hour.  But this rate jumped to 3.5 times per hour immediately after the female had been groomed by a male -- and her partner of choice was likely to be a hunky monkey that did the grooming. Pfffft, please.  Those monkey's have it easy.  Try grooming a vegas hooker and see what that buys you. Market forces also acted on the value of the transaction.  If there were several females in the area, the cost of buying sex would drop dramatically -- a male could "buy" a female for just eight minutes of nit-picking. First you pick all the bugs off of her, THEN you hump her.  I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten that rule.  Those monkeys, they're always thinking.  I gain more respect for them with each day that passes.

By:|January 4, 2008

Everyone Wants to Do Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton. In a landslide, actually. Over 7,000 votes were cast and 59% of Holy Taco readers said they'd rather do the blond haired, rail thin, mess of a human being, than the blond haired, chubby, mess of a human being. As usual, here's real reactions from ACTUAL readers Neil K., justOnePlate.com - "I'd choose Paris Hilton because she's like a champion thoroughbred: She's physically built for sex and handled by the best trainers money can buy. Her lineage is top pedigree and she's just entering the twilight of an illustrious career. Britney is like an Ecuadorian donkey." Stevie P. - "They're both vile. I'd burn my penis off after doing either." Eli K. - "I'd rather get an std than sleep with a fat chick."

By:|January 4, 2008

By:|January 3, 2008

By:|January 3, 2008

Un-Lock Of The Weekend

"Please don't pick us Holy Taco, you suck." I lost again last week. Again. I'm 1-4. Why does God hate me? Is it because I crapped in a box and brought it to a secret Santa party? I feel so lost right now, and not like the people on that show "Lost." They're way more attractive than me. Except for the fat guy. Although he's got all his hair...I hate everyone. On to this week's un-lock: SEAHAWKS (-3.5) over Redskins The game is at Seattle and they're tougher at home than Chris Beniot. I'm going to hell for that joke and it wasn't even good. Anyway, the Redskins offense stinks. Todd Collins has been playing well, but that's just because he can't believe he's playing, let alone winning. Once he realizes he's the starting QB of a playoff team, he'll shit the bed worse than I did in Boy Scouts when I ate a weird mushroom on a dare. So, anyway, I'm taking the 'Hawks, which means y ou should probably take the 'Skins. Because I'm a loser. MY PROMISE TO YOU: Because I'm such a loser, if I lose this week, I will NEVER write this column again. That's right, Lock of the Weekend will be gone. Thank you, that is all. RECORD: 1-4 MONEY WON/LOST: -370

By:|January 3, 2008

Britney Spears is Drug Free. Yay?

From Popsugar.com Britney Spears is being held for 72 hours for mental evaluation, but the latest is that she wasn't under the influence, as was originally suspected. Britney's blood test came back negative for Drugs and alcohol. Wait, so all this shit happened and she wasn't on drugs? Let's digest what that means for a moment. She went this bat-shit crazy on her own. She's one step away from what I like to call "Chimpanzee Crazy," which is when a person goes so nuts they just start flinging their own poo at people and masturbating under shady trees, with reckless abandon. But if you want to know why she's f-ed up, this is her dad: He looks like a salty fisherman who lost his job eight years ago and has been living off ketchup packets and Sierra Mist. I'm thinking maybe he's not number one papa. {editor's note} Okay, I feel partially responsible for this seeing as how I put her number 1 on my list of celebrities to die this year. But aren't we all partially responsible? As human beings?...No, probably just me and her crazy ass family.

By:|January 3, 2008

Gena Norris Puts The “Cock Ass” in “Caucas”

Don't bother listening to whatever crap Mike Huckabee is saying in this video. But do check out Gena Norris, wife of TV's Walker Texas Ranger, standing in the background. How the hell did melt victim Chuck Norris get a smoking hot wife like that? As I just mentioned, he looks like a melt victim, but he also hasn't been relevant in years. The last movie he was in that you might have heard of was Delta Force 2: The Columbian Connection, and that came out in 1990. Did his Bible thumping get him his hot wife? If so, then sign me up for Jesus camp, pronto.

By:|January 3, 2008

Mariah Carey Wants To Be Stephen Hawking

Mariah Carey doesn't like to talk when she's on vocal rest. So, being the brain-genius that she is, she's hatched a plan to use the famed physicist's voice machine to make sure all her important messages get across. According to Female First: She said: "Before a big show I have to do 'vocal rest' where I'm not allowed to speak for two days. It's so boring having to write notes to everyone! I need Stephen Hawking's voice machine for when I'm on vocal rest. "I'd like a machine where I can just think and it comes out in a robot voice - that would be amazing!" How important could Mariah's messages be? I put together a sample robot voice so we can all get a feel for how Mariah would probably use it. Click here to hear it.

By:|January 3, 2008

Shave Your Face With Your Hands

Shaving with Fingers Video - Watch more free videos

By:|January 3, 2008

Rabbi Clinton Portis At Your Service

They may have had a teammate die, but the Washington Redskins are a team that seems to be footloose and foreskin free. Clinton Portis has made some comments to the D.C. media claiming that Santana Moss' resurgence on the field was due to a recent circumsicion. According to Hogs Haven: Clinton Portis, who has been insisting all week that Santana Moss's play has taken off since he was circumcised. He was at it again today, repeatedly. "He had the big one. I told you, he tried to take a manly step at 29," Portis said, overstating Moss's age by one year. "After he took that step, his healing process, he's getting better. He's getting better every day." Later, Portis said how he had learned so much more about his teammates this year, in turn allowing him to be a better teammate. I asked what he had learned. "Santana to go that long without getting his tail clipped, that was the most interesting to me," Portis said. Will Santana's lack of shaft propel the Washington Foreskins past the Seattle PeePeeHawks? Watch the game this Saturday at 4:30 o'cock to find out.

By:|January 3, 2008

Britney Spears Rushed To Hospital

Yawwwwnnn...um Britney Spears was...siiiighh...rushed to the hospital after a three hour showdown with her....(streeeeetch) ex-husband Kevin Federline. She was reportedly on some sort of...yaaawwwn...drugs. Or something. So, basically, I'm just letting you know that Britney Spears life hasn't changed at all since the last time you heard about her.

By:|January 3, 2008

We Do The Best We Can

Here's a letter we received on our myspace page today from one of our readers.  I swear this is real people, I can't make shit like this up.  Actually I can, and I pretty much do every day, but I didn't this time. If our blog saves just one person a week from a bootycall with an ugly man or woman, that would mean that after a year, we would have saved 52 people from sex with ugly people, who might have ugly illegitimate children, who would grown in to ugly adults, and thus the cycle starts all over again. Holy Taco...Making The World Beautiful

By:|January 2, 2008

West Virginia Is Full of Dingle Berry’s

  When you're last name is Berry and you know the guy next to you is named Dingle, maybe you want to get up and go sit down somewhere else. Because if you don't, then you will look like a small piece of shit stuck to someone's asshole. And no one wants that. Luckily, this isn't the first time a few oddly named players hung out on the sideline together. It's like the time my friends Tommy Shit and Arnold Stain had to stop putting their last names on their shirts and standing next to each other.

By:|January 2, 2008

Holy Taco Presidential Endorsements

What makes a good presidential candidate? We here at the Taco say it's good decision making. And what decision is more important than the decision of "Who am I going to hump for the rest of my life?" With that in mind, Holy Taco has decided to endorse one candidate from each party. Here are our choices. DEMOCRAT: Dennis Kucinich You may say, "He doesn't have a shot in hell of winning." You might be right, but take a look at the picture above and tell me that if you saw Dennis Kucinich and then you saw his wife, and you didn't know they were married, you wouldn't say, "He doesn't have a shot in hell of banging that chick." You would and you'd be wrong. Also, his wife has a tongue ring. That would mean she'd be only the second first lady ever to have a tongue ring, with Martha Washington being the first. That's a rumor, started by me. Feel free to pass along. POLITICAL STUFF: I like Dennis Kucinich's stance on healthcare reform. I like Elizabeth Kucinich's stance on banging nerds. REPUBLICAN: Fred Thompson Everybody says he has no charisma. I ask you this, if he doesn't have charisma, then how does a man who looks like something I thought lived in my closet when I was six and caused me several bed-wetting nightmares, able to land a hot wife who's half his age. If you think anybody who's on a hit TV show can have a hot wife, then you haven't seen this picture: Political Stuff: I like Fred Thompson's stance on Social Security. I like Jeri Thompson's stance when she drops something and has to pick it up.

By:|January 2, 2008

Does Iowa Heart Huckabee?

Today, the nation puts their political future in the hands of...Iowa. Instead of trying to learn what a caucas is, I'd rather just sit back and reminisce about the last time the Tall Corn state put democracy to work.

By:|January 2, 2008

I Like Girls With Big Racks

Courtesy of Outdoorlife.com. It's the new year, so it's probably time to retire your Garfield calendar and put something new up so you know when you have to pay rent. Instead of putting up ANOTHER Garfield calendar (God, why do you like him so much?) why not put up the 2008 Racks Calendar. It's a bunch of women with large breasts (aka "racks") holding large deer antlers (aka "racks"). You get the drift. It's perfect for hunters, outdoorsmen or or heterosexual men.               

By:|January 2, 2008

Masturbation is fun…and dangerous!

If you're a dude, and you masturbate, then listen to this important news.  If you're a dude and you do not masturbate, then you are not alive and thus unable to read this blog. I just read this, straight from a website called healthystrokes.com Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome (TMS) is the habit some males have of masturbating in a face-down (prone) position by rubbing their penises against the mattress, pillow, or other bedding.   Some rub against the floor. Okay, you have my attention, please continue...  Masturbating face-down puts excessive pressure on the penis.  These sensations are not easily replicated in conventional masturbation or in sexual intercourse.  This can make TMS practitioners unable to have normal sexual relations.  A survey conducted for this website revealed that males who masturbate conventionally have sex 6.6 times more often than TMS practitioners. What?!?!  6.6 Times!  Unable to have normal sexual relations!!!  How could no one have ever said anything about this to me before?!  Why didn't they teach this shit in sixth grade when I had my first "summer of love?!"...Not that I masturbate by humping a pillow...cause I don't.   That would be silly.  I was just concerned that I didn't know because I could tell the people who do masturbate like this about it...not that I talk to people about mastur...Forget I posted this.

By:|January 2, 2008

And The Winner Is…

Alexandra Paressant!  That's right, after 5,000 votes were cast, Holy Taco readers decided they would rather do the girl who falsely accused Tony Parker of banging her, than the woman who Tony Parker actually bangs. {Editors Note}  For those of you asking why we didn't update the new poll last Friday, like we usually do, it was the holidays and we didn't want the new poll to not get it's fair share of attention.  That's right, here at Holy Taco we care.  We really care. Now, as usual, ACTUAL e-mail reactions from readers... Patrick S. - "Why don't we let Tony Parker decide this?" Brian W. - "There isn't much in the world that can beat a crazy 20 year old slutty French model who doesn't mind using sperm as face cream. Jeff S. - "Tough call, but I did them both and I found Eva's vagina more pleasing to the touch.

By:|January 1, 2008

Kim Kardashian Doesn’t Marry Draft Busts

Despite what you hear, Kim Kardashian did not get married to Subway Sandwich spokesman and part-time football player, Reggie Bush. Reality star Kim Kardashian, 26, tells Usmagazine.com that she didn't make it official with NFL running back Reggie Bush, 22, over the weekend in Miami, despite an OK! magazine report. "It's not true," she tells US.  "Not yet!" Kim Kardashian, listen to me.  This is what will happen if you marry Reggie Bush: You'll select Reggie as the first pick to be your husband.  At first he'll be great, with some really electrifying moments like surprising you on Valentines day with a trip around the world.  Then after a few weeks he'll start to slow down, and you'll realize he's unable to handle the full workload of a husband, even though when you picked him, he assured you that he could be a full-time husband.  Then, after a year, he'll just flat out not be able to husband at all, let alone husbanding on just third downs, which you thought he'd at least be able to do.  Then he'll fumble in the last second of a game where you needed the Saints to score to cover the spread and it'll end up costing you THREE HUNDRED GOD DAMNED DOLLARS!  Sorry, got off track there.

By:|January 1, 2008

By:|January 1, 2008