Jolie-Pitt Baby Pics Worth 10 Million?
If I had 10 million dollars, there's a lot of things I would buy; a monkey, a house, a house for the monkey, a mint chocolate chip ice cream factory. But I definitely wouldn't spend any of my ten million on f-ing baby pictures. Nypost.com reports: The celebrity baby photo market just keeps getting crazier, and the newest estimate is that the Jolie-Pitts could fetch up to $10 million for the first photos of their new twins. 10 Million Dollars for baby pictures?! For that much, not only should they give you the baby itself, but the baby should already be trained to do shit like fix cars and get rid of telemarketers. You know what, screw that, for 10 million, I'll have scientists make me a super baby from celebrity DNA. Here's what it would look like:
By:|March 26, 2008
Creepy Or Sexy? Kirsten Dunst
I gotta be honest, I never even considered Kirsten Dunst worthy of a Creepy Or Sexy. I just thought she was creepy. But a reader sent me this picture and I thought she was kind of sexy in it. Of course, I had just finished watching an episode of The Golden Girls, so it's possible she could have sent me a picture of Tony Siragusa and I would have found it sexy. Thinking about it, I like this pick because she's very polarizing. Some people find her snaggle tooth endearing and cute, others find it to be very snaggle tooth-y and gross. You make the call. Is she creepy...or sexy? Thanks to Amanda S. for sending this in.
By:|March 26, 2008
This Is What Homer Simpson Really Looks Like
I can't stop staring at this photo of an "untooned" Homer Simpson. I'd like to thank the weirdo computer robot nerd genius that made this. You've somehow managed to horrify me and turn me on at the same time. I think I have a new fetish. From pixeloo.blogspot.com
By:|March 26, 2008
Taco Belle: Brooke Burke
Age: 36 Where you've seen her: She's been in Maxim and Stuff (RIP) about 50 times, but no one's complaining. She also hosted Wild On! which was a show that was smart enough to put her in a bikini 80% of the time she was on camera. Tantalizing tidbit: Brooke named her third child "Heaven Rain," which is basically like naming your child "Stripper."
By:|March 26, 2008
Link Time
Wear your head on your sleeve (asylum) Keeley Hazell topless (hornyoyster) Krystal Forscutt photo shoot (cameltap) Pussycat dolls sued for indecency (coedmagazine) Hot or Not: Marisa Tomei (double viking) Hillary wasn't lying (college humor) The most sweartastic movies of all time (just a guy thing) Rugby players bitch slap drunk airline passenger (tastybooze) 5 sex positions that could get you arrested (bachelorguy) 10 funniest videos of dogs humping people (unibrow)
By:|March 26, 2008
Jamie Lynn Spears Engaged
If you're scoring at home on your white trash checklist for Jamie Lynn Spears, go ahead and cross off "getting engaged at 16." Usmagazine.com reports: Jamie Lynn Spears and boyfriend Casey Aldridge out and about in Kentwood, Louisiana on February 10, 2008. INFphoto.comPregnant 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears and boyfriend Casey Aldridge are engaged, his cousin, Tina Robinson, confirms to Usmagazine.com. "He proposed a few days ago, and she accepted," Robinson tells Us. I wonder if Spears family has a weekly meeting where the mom stands in front of a white board and the following occurs: MOM SPEARS: Okay, what are we doing this week to make us more white trash? BRITNEY: Well, I was thinking of leaving my house wearing a see-through top and no bra and just walking aimlessly down the street. MOM SPEARS: Good, good. Jamie Lynn? JAMIE LYNN: (Thinking) Slaughter a pig in the middle of the promenade mall? MOM SPEARS: Hmmm, no, we don't want them PETA folk on us. DAD SPEARS: How about she announces she's gettin' engaged even though she's only 16, and then I'll announce I'm gonna buy her a car with my Marlboro points. MOM SPEARS: I like it. Cept you already used your Marlboro points on that kayak we used for firewood. Anyway, here's a photoshop rendering of what Jamie Lynn will look like in three years. Check it after the jump:
By:|March 26, 2008
Give-A-Wednesday: Win An LA Dodgers DVD Set
Write a caption for the poor sap who got his jaw taken out to the ballgame and you can win a Los Angeles Dodgers 1988 World Series DVD Collection from A&E.com. You can relive the glory that was Orel Hershiser's scoreless innings streak, Gibson's home run and Tommy Lasorda's enormous gut. As usual, leave your captions in the comments section. Winners will be contacted via HolyTaco. Photo courtesy of Ron Jenkins/Fort Worth Star Telegram See last week's winners after the jump.
By:|March 25, 2008
Robin Williams Gets Divorced
You know how when you see Robin Williams on a talk show it's like he was fired out of a cannon while snorting a thousand pounds of cocaine, then after the interview's over you have to turn your TV off because even hearing a sound might cause your head to explode? Well, imagine listening to 19 straight years of that. This woman is a saint. People.com reports: Robin Williams's wife has filed for divorce after 19 years, the San Francisco Chronicle is reporting. Marsha Garces Williams filed a divorce petition in San Francisco on March 21, citing irreconcilable differences. I have a copy of the divorce papers. Let's take a look:
By:|March 25, 2008
Don’t Ask Chelsea Clinton About Her Dad’s Penis
Chelsea Clinton was asked how the Lewinsky scandal has affected her mom's run for the presidency. Chelsea brushed the question off, but am I the only one who finds it amusing that this question was asked at Butler University? Is there any more appropriately named school to ask questions about someone who crammed a cigar up an intern's whoo-haa, lit it and said, "That tastes good." Good thing you asked. To keep with the theme, here's five other schools I hope Chelsea visits on her tour of universities: 5. Tufts 4. Mount St. Mary's 3. Morehead State 2. Beaver State 1. Coppin (a feel) State
By:|March 25, 2008
Free Dr. Pepper If Axl Gets Off His Ass
Apparently the executives at Dr. Pepper are big fans of pasty white rockers with a penchant for mid-life dreadlocks and seven-minute over-the-top rock ballads. In an effort to get W. Axl Rose to release the long awaited Chinese Democracy, they are offering everyone in America--except estranged guitarists Slash and Buckethead--a free can of Dr. Pepper if it comes out anytime in 2008. But to be fair, it's very difficult to drink anything while there's a bucket on your head. In a rare instance of a large corporation having a little fun, a company spokesperson said: We completely understand and empathize with Axl's quest for perfection--for something more than the perfect album. We know once it's released, people will refer to it as "Dr. Pepper for the ears." So what's it gonna be, Axl? Am I gonna get my free Dr. Pepper or do I need to show a little "Patience"? Get it? Jesus, that joke was worse than "The Spaghetti Incident?" (All you GNR officianados will notice my correct inclusion of the question mark at the end of the title of "The Spaghetti Incident?") Learn more at: chinesedemocracywhen.blogspot.com
By:|March 25, 2008
Link It Up, Chris (I’m About To)
Take a Spring Break Quiz (Asylum) Krystal Forscutt is, how you say, attractive (Horny Oyster) Heidi Klum looks good in body paint (CamelTap) Vermont to reconsider the drinking age (coedmagazine) Wreck your car? Who cares, drive it anyway (Double Viking) Little, terrifying Hillary Clinton (College Humor) Which movies have the most swear words? Click here, diknose. (Just A Guy Thing) Wear this shirt the next time you're in a knife fight (Tasty Booze) The world's most elaborate sex toys (The Bachelor Guy) Watch a video of an ass (Weak Game)
By:|March 25, 2008
Jessica Alba’s BF Will Beat You (Off)
Cash Warren, Jessica Alba's boyfriend and all-around uber douche, started the site ibeatyou.com where people...um...try to beat each other at stuff like lip synching and movie quoting and...beards. (I'm serious.) On the site you can see Jessica doing a bunch of stupid crap like showing off a thumb trick or...naming the best magazine. (I'm not joking.) The above video is the Cash man himself trying to win the Tongue Twister competition by saying "Toy Boat" 20 times in a row. The worst part about all this is that this friggin' tool is dating Jessica Alba. He not only looks like a melvin, but the self-righteous smugness he uses to deliver the last "Toy boat!" proves that he is the big bag of douche you always knew he was. I mean, he's not even good at it, yet he gives off that "I nailed it!" vibe that you usually only see in high school jocks and wealthy, white prep-school kids. I will give Cash all of my cash to go away forever. (I hope $37 is enough.)
By:|March 25, 2008
Make Movies All Day
If everyone had one of these flip cameras, we wouldn't see so many sex tapes with shitty quality. Uncrate.com has a nice little write up on them: The Flip holds 60 minutes of VGA-quality (640 x 480) video on 2GB of built-in memory and produces surprisingly good video and audio quality. A flip-out USB arm makes transferring video to your computer easy, and included software makes it simple to edit video and upload to YouTube and AOL Video. See, the next time you're at the zoo and you see a rhinoceros piss a fire hose-like stream that knocks over a tour group of elderly people, not only can you capture it on video, but you can upload it to the internet within mere seconds. Then if there's time, you can see if they're okay, but zoos fill up fast, so I recommend getting your ass to the Panda cage quickly otherwise you'll miss out on watching those love-able creatures sleep.
By:|March 24, 2008
Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Hamlet
I have great respect for those who can pull off a great mash up video. This is one of the better I've seen. The only thing disappointing about this is that it's not a real movie. I would pay 100 dollars to see this and that's pretty much what I make in a week. I knew this wasn't real about half way through because if it was real, I would have heard a news story about how William Shakespeare arose from his grave and murdered every studio executive on the Universal Lot.
By:|March 24, 2008
50 Words Women Really Hate
There have been a few lame attempts to come up with lists of words that women hate. Most of them come to the conclusion that words like "moist" and "panties" are the words women hate the most. Well, something tells me that those women weren't really considering all the words in the English language. So the Holy Taco research staff hit the streets and the malls armed with a list of 500 words that went a little farther and asked hundreds of women to tell us what words they really hated. Then we took the top 50 and put them in order. Here they are: 50. Pubes 49. Leakage 48. Taint 47. Squirt 46. Fupa 45. Whore 44. Discharge 43. Camel Toe* 42. Feedbags 41. Mammoth 40. Pussy
By:|March 24, 2008
A Moment Of Silence For Colonel Sanders
The next time you stop by your local KFC for a heaping helping of deep fried chicken parts, you will also have the choice of getting your bird a bit healthier. According to CBC.ca: Kentucky Fried Chicken customers will be greeted eventually by lighted "Now Grilling" signs, starting in coming weeks in select U.S. cities. Storefront signs will be altered to promote the new product , called Kentucky Grilled Chicken. Even the brand's ubiquitous chicken buckets will get a makeover, though they will still feature the iconic founder Sanders. KFC says the grilled chicken has significantly fewer calories and fat, plus much less sodium, than its original recipe fried chicken. "If they can get people over the hump , which is 'Do I believe KFC can sell me a healthy alternative?' , they'll increase their [customer] frequency," Miller said. "I don't see too much risk in trying it." Screw this. If I'm going to go to KFC...or KGC or whatever the hell they're going to call it, I'm clearly not worried about my arteries or my blood pressure or my life expectancy. I want to cram massive amounts of battered chicken, buttery biscuits and a pile of sketchy chemicals billed as "mashed potatoes" into my mouth until I can't breathe. This is like going to McDonald's and having a salad or using a condom when masturbating. Totally pointless.
By:|March 24, 2008
Man’s House Looted After Fake Craigslist Ad
In what could be the most amazing prank ever, a fake ad was posted on Craigslist that said an Oregon man had to suddenly move so all of his possessions were up for grabs. The kicker? He wasn't moving. According to the Seattle Times: A pair of hoax ads on Craigslist cost an Oregon man much of what he owned. The ads popped up Saturday afternoon, saying the owner of a Jacksonville home was forced to leave the area suddenly and his belongings, including a horse, were free for the taking. But Robert Salisbury had no plans to leave. The independent contractor was at Emigrant Lake when he got a call from a woman who had stopped by his house to claim his horse. On his way home he stopped a truck loaded down with his work ladders, lawn mower and weed eater. "I informed them I was the owner, but they refused to give the stuff back," Salisbury said. "They showed me the Craigslist printout and told me they had the right to do what they did." Once home he was greeted by close to 30 people rummaging through his barn and front porch. The trespassers, armed with printouts of the ad, tried to brush him off. "They honestly thought that because it appeared on the Internet it was true," Salisbury said. "It boggles the mind." This story gave me an idea to put a hoax Craigslist ad up about myself. It's going to say, "Area Man must rid himself of all of his semen. All of it must go! Right now! Come and get it! It's free! (No fatties...OK, some fatties.)" Courtesy of Boing Boing
By:|March 24, 2008
Taco Belle: Doutzen Kroes
Age: 23 Where you've seen her: Doutzen Kroes only lives in your dreams, my friend. Well, dreams and a bunch of Victoria's Secret specials. Tantalizing tidbit: In a 2006 interview, Doutzen said that she has a romantic preference for black men. Which means I'll be spending the rest of my week at the tanning bed and watching "Soul Man" over and over and over again.
By:|March 24, 2008
Link Time
Claudia Schiffer estoy sexo! (Camel Tap) Man claims to be pregnant! (Asylum) Have you told your roommate you banged his girlfriend?! (doubleviking) 7P.M. Suicide Girl keiko! (coedmagazine) Victoria's Secret All-Stars hit the beach! (complex) Thundercats Bloopers! (unibrow) Misa Campo Megapost! (hornyoyster) Exclamation point!
By:|March 24, 2008
David Beckham Talks Soccer Sorta
david beckham has a great accent - Watch more free videos David Beckham was on 60 minutes last week promoting the start of the MLS soccer season. For me, watching American soccer falls somewhere in between "watching a WNBA game," and "punching myself in the face." But I think you'll find this interview interesting. I doctored it just a little bit. Only just a little, I swear. I await British backlash. Bring it.
By:|March 24, 2008
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