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Scarlett Johannson and Penelope Cruz Lez Out

Normally, I'm not a big fan of posting movie trailers. Mostly because I think only comic book dorks and comic book nerds are the people who get excited for them. But this trailer for Vicky Cristina Barcelona will get all those heterosexual nerds and dorks excited because Scarlett Johannson and Penelope Cruz make-out at the 1:12 mark. Having watched the whole thing, I suggest you go straight there so you don't have to see the psycho from No Country For Old Men making out with everyone else.

By:|May 13, 2008


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Link Time

  Volleyball Bikini Wedges (busted coverage) World's largest swimming pool (camel tap) Is this the hottest college girl (college humor) The finger trick (coedmagazine) 7 killer chinese recalls (double viking) 2008 miss Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Contest pictures (hornyoyster) Never use a loaded back scratcher (tasty booze) Burnout goes bad (weak game) This dude does weird stuff with snakes (i-am-bored) Minka Kelly is smoking hot (hollywood tuna) Tara Reid bikini pics: Gross?  You be the judge (egotastic) Guy eats 25 dishes in 24 hours (food marathon) 10 funniest moments in diarrhea history (unibrow) World's fastest car UFC 84 Preview 

By:|May 12, 2008


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By:|May 12, 2008


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Star Jones Ex Married For Love. Ew.

You remember in Shawshank when Andy Dufresne finally crawled out of that tunnel of shit to freedom and there was that overhead shot, in the rain, of him triumphantly tasting life again for the first time? Well, that was sort of how I figured Star Jones' ex-husband Al Reynolds would feel right now. But apparently he's more like Brooks. Shows what I know about the word "love." People.com reports: Al Reynolds is opening up , a little , about his split from Star Jones. "I know in my heart that I entered my marriage with love and the best of intentions and leave it with great sadness that it didn't work," writes Reynolds in a MySpace post Tuesday. If you replaced "my marriage" with "TGI Friday's" I could have used that exact same sentence to describe what I did last night. Seriously, I can not fathom how ANYONE, I don't care who you are, could have any kind of sadness related to NOT seeing Star Jones anymore. Not to mention someone who had to listen to her inane bullshit on a daily basis AND have sex with her. In fact, here's a flow chart to detail exactly what I would do if I was married to Star Jones and had to have sex with her.

By:|May 12, 2008


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By:|May 12, 2008


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By:|May 12, 2008


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Britney Spears Smokes and Picks Ass

So, above is a picture of Nascar Enthusiast Britney Spears, taking a quick smoke/asshole-picking break.  I can't really go on some rant where I talk about how gross she is and how much of a disgusting mess you have to be to pick your ass while smoking, because if there was a camera following me around twenty hours a day, there'd be four or five of these photos surfacing daily.  First off, smoking is highly addictive, thus I understand the smoke break.  Secondly, it's summer, so temperatures are hot and well, swamp ass tends to come about. But, then it got me thinking.  I'm just a dude who makes a paltry living as a humble blogger, thus I can't afford the special powders and high class underwear and clothes necessary to properly combat swamp ass.  Britney can.  Therefore we can deduce that even with those anti-swamp ass products, for her asshole to itch, it must mean her asshole is incredibly itchy.  Which got me to thinking:  What could possibly make her ass itch that much.  This is what I came up with. INSIDE OF BRITNEY SPEAR'S ASS: See, basically what I'm thinking is the dragon in the back is imprisoned in her rectum by the evil wizard and that weird cat thing who probably just laughs when the wizard does something evil.  The turd on the right is just a normal turd.  But anyway, when the dragon gets riled up, her ass gets itchy. Holy crap, I'm losing my mind.  Is it Friday?  No?

By:|May 12, 2008


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By:|May 12, 2008


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Dominos Now Has $4 Pizzas

Despite all of its apparent attempts to drive me totally insane, this Japanese pizza commercial actually made me want some pizza. And since I don't live in a cartoon world where pizza toppings do a one-legged dance and gender-shifting pizza slices ask me if they're "ignored," I'm going to take advantage of Dominos new $4 pizza special. Called the "Recession Buster," you can make your rebate check go a long way because you can now get three 10-inch pizzas for four dollars (minimum order of three). And since they have an online ordering system, you don't even have to talk to anyone to get it. Unless your pizza starts talking back to you. Then you should talk to a doctor (or a Japanese pizza commercial animator.)

By:|May 12, 2008


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By:|May 12, 2008


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Hillary Clinton Needs UrbanDictionary.com

This is one of those wonderful moments where generation gaps are brought to light...and then mocked and laughed at. During a speech in West Virginia yesterday, Hillary Clinton quoted historical hottie Eleanor Roosevelt to illustrate that she will not give up her fight for the Democratic nomination. Well, this quote would've worked in 1950...but it has a slightly different meaning in 2008. According to aol.com: She quoted Eleanor Roosevelt, telling supporters: "A woman is like a tea bag. You never know strong she is until she is in hot water." For those of you who don't know (and if you're reading this site, you definitely know), according to urbandictionary.com: Teabag Definition: To dunk one's scrotum into the open mouth of another person. Example: "Man, Brenda was all passed out with her mouth open and Billy teabagged her" To hear someone who has fought so long and hard for women's rights say something as sexist as, "A woman is like dunking one's scrotem into the mouth of another person" is, quite frankly, offensive. And the "I didn't know teabag now means balls in the mouth" defense will not work with us. I'm pretty sure that teabagging has come up way more than once in her thirty years of marriage to Bill. I would imagine Cleveland Steamers, Western Strangers, Jelly Donuts, Woody Woodpeckers, Dogs in a Bathtub, Rear Admirals and East Indian Eye Goggles have all come up, too.

By:|May 12, 2008


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Angelina And Brad Take The Kids Boating

I remember once when I was 6, it was Sunday morning and my mom said to my dad, "I think the county fair is going on, you should take Justin out to see the horses."  Apparently though, my dad's interpretation of that was "I think there's satellite wagering going on at the Caliente sports book in Tijuana, you should have Justin sit quietly next to you and color in cocktail napkins while you wager on horse races happening 3000 miles away."  I tell you this to make the point that sometimes your parents take you to do shit you just don't want to do.   Popsugar.com reports: It's quite the life of luxury for the Jolie-Pitt family over in France. This evening, Angelina and Brad took Pax and Maddox, adorable in their life jackets, on a boat right out to Paul Allen's yacht for a little evening trip. Boating and hanging out on Paul Allen's yacht may seem cool, but when you're six, it's probably boring as hell.  If you're Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's kid, there's only so many times you can hear someone tell your parents how awesome they thought Mr. And Mrs. Smith was before you want to reach your little hand up and do some damage to the nearest adult nutsack.  That's why I think for situations like these, Brangelina should use their vast resources and contacts to hire mini actors to play their children.  Imagine something like this: It would be Devito's greatest role.

By:|May 12, 2008


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By:|May 12, 2008


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hillary clinton tea bag

By:|May 12, 2008


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By:|May 12, 2008


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hillary nut cracker tea bag

By:|May 12, 2008


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Sarah Jessica Parker Has World’s Oldest Hands

Whoa. Sarah Jessica Parker has, quite possibly, the most disgusting hands I have ever seen in my life. Does she keep them in an oven when she's not using them? Does she boil them once a day? How does a 43-year-old woman get the hands of a 4,300 year-old woman? Did Ferris Buehler grow up to get HJs from these? What the hell is wrong with the world? Should I ask more questions? This is one of the biggest problems men have with this show. It portrays the image that if you dress anyone up in a collection of colorful, crappy and uber-fashionny clothes that it will hide all their physical flaws and turn them into some radiant princess. Well, I did a little research, and it seems that they not only dress up Mrs. Parker in the world's fanciest clothes. But they also do a very large make-up job on her hands, too. Here's what her hands look like without any make-up: photos via seriouslyomg.com

By:|May 12, 2008


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sarah jessica parker hands old lady

By:|May 12, 2008


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sarah jessica parker hands old lady

By:|May 12, 2008


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Man Makes Body-Part Bread

Tired of eating bread that looks like...um, bread? Then you should move to Thailand so you can eat bread that looks like...um, body parts. According to

By:|May 12, 2008


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