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Carmen Electra Wins In Landslide

Back by popular demand, the Who Would You Rather Do recap.  This week Carmen Electra demolished Pamela Anderson by a whopping 70 percentage points, winning 85% to 15%.  I think it was the whole, "has hepatitis, videos are avaialable of her doing other dudes" thing that caused her loss. Anyway, here's some ACTUAL comments from real readers: clitwizard Says: April 30th, 2008 at 10:25 am  pam anderson is a walking tranny now. good ol fashion post OP tranny AlcoLOL Says: April 30th, 2008 at 11:29 am   I'd do Carmen, mainly because I haven't seen her stroking a 10 inch dick. Or multiple ones for that matter. Also, I'd feel like I wouldn't have to pay a toll after entering her vagina. white devil Says: May 1st, 2008 at 10:32 am   where is the button for “neither' ?

By:|May 1, 2008


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Comment Of The Week Winner

This weeks winning comment comes from the "Retarded Monkey Gets A Birthday Party" post. Winner: Matt Pilot matt pilot Says: May 1st, 2008 at 3:21 pm  how the fuck does someone decide if a monkey is special needs or not. can it not throw its shit as well as the other monkeys? also who would take time out of their day to attend a birthday party for an animal with brain damage. like the monkey has any idea what the fuck is going on anyway. now, if they included a battle to the death between the challenged primate and the dumbass who spent 3 weeks planning it, i would be all about it. New contest starts right this very second.

By:|May 1, 2008


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By:|May 1, 2008


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Jenna Jameson Will Give You Nightmares

Looking at this picture of Jenna Jameson partying at a London Club makes me feel both sad, and old.  It's like when I watched Michael Jordan play that last season on the Wizards and Rick Fox was d-ing him up.  It's not right.  Jenna used to be so hot that I'd have an erection before I put her porno in the VCR.  That sentence right there also makes me feel old.  And sad.  What made her age so badly?  The Sun reports that at the club, this happened: "She just asked if one of her friends could go in with her in the toilets to touch up her make-up before facing the paparazzi. But the toilet attendant said no, and kicked off. The bouncers called us American pigs, which brought Jenna to tears." You know you want to do cocaine really badly when you're super hot and you can't even spend the 10 seconds it takes to make up a decent enough story so that the toilet attendant can at least feel like they're not totally aiding and abetting drug use. I still can't get over this picture of Jenna.  She looks like she walked out of a Pokeman episode.  Watch when I put her head in to a Japanese anime cartoon and tell me that unless you were really paying attention, you would never even notice.

By:|May 1, 2008


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By:|May 1, 2008


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By:|May 1, 2008


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Let’s Bet On The Ponies And Chug Mint Juleps

The Kentucky Derby isn't just about stupid hats and bourbon drinking contests. It's also about gambling away your child's college/dinner money on one of the world's dumbest animals. But, instead of breaking down the Kentucky Derby with hardcore analysis of favorites, fixed odds and furlongs, I'm just going to pick this year's winner by analyzing each horse's name. I'm pretty sure this is how the experts do it. 1. Cool Coal Man Analysis: Coal miners usually aren't very fast because they aren't alive due to some horrific on-the-job explosion. Don't bet on him. 2. Tale of Ekati Analysis: Ekati backwards is "ITake." If you add "Third Place" it spells out "ITake Third Place." Bet on him to come in third. 3. Anak Nakal Analysis: I came down with a pretty bad case of Anak Nakal after a trip to Thailand. (It still burns when I pee.) Don't bet on him. 4. Court Vision Analysis: Court vision is good for point guards and lawyers. If this horse played for the Bulls or had a law degree I would bet on him. He doesn't, so don't. 5. Eight Belles Analysis: Have you ever talked to one of those old-fashioned southern belles for more than two minutes? It's all cotillion this and you-can't-have-sex-with-me that. One is bad enough. Eight is just suicide. No bets for this belle. 6. Z Fortune Analysis: Z Fortune is for Z Losers. Don't bet Z farm. 7. Big Truck Analysis: Big Trucks reminds me of that big fat Robert "Tractor" Traylor. There are only two things fat people are fast at: eating and sweating. And since this is a horse race and not a sweating while eating contest, I say no to this one. 8. Visionaire Analysis: This sounds like some new-age douchebag who's into "concepts" and "patchoulie" and "not flushing his urine." I hate you. No bets for you.

By:|May 1, 2008


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Brad And Angelina Most Influential Couple

Time released it's list of the world's 100 most influential people, and the highest ranking couple on the list, coming in at #21, was Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  Here's what George Clooney says about them: "they have tended to the poor and sick in Africa" and how they shelled out $1 million for the victims in Darfur, among other humanitarian efforts. I wonder if after this came out, Brad Pitt turned to Angelina and was like "there, we did it.  We're on the f*&king list, can we stop this now?  I just want to bang the crap out of you without having to go feed some kid with flies all over him." Adds Clooney, "The couple cares for three adopted children from Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam, in addition to their biological daughter. I'm gonna have to agree with their ranking on the influential list because before them, nobody was adopting kids from weird places.  Now, if you don't have to get 9 different vaccinations before you go check out your adoptee, you're way uncool.  The more ethnically diverse the orphan, the better.  Somewhere in an orphanage in Toledo, Ohio, a bunch of kids are crowded around one beat up copy of Time Magazine with Brangelina in it and going "you motherf*&kers." Anyway, I sort of figure these two are going to be the most influential couple for at least a couple years, unless a brand new couple comes on the scene.  But it'd have to be two pretty big stars.  Maybe something like this:

By:|May 1, 2008


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Japanese Man Likes Porn More Than You

The next time you think you have a problem with the ol' Internet porn, just be thankful you're not this guy: A local council employee in Japan has been punished after it was discovered he had accessed porn websites at work more than 780,000 times in nine months. The 57-year-old man, who has not been named, works for the city of Kinokawa in southern Japan. He held on to his job, but has been demoted and his wages have been cut by about 20,000 yen ($190; £80) a month. A council investigation found that he viewed more than 750,000 pornographic websites in nine months. His habit reached its peak last July when he surfed for porn more than 177,000 times during office hours. That works out at almost 10,000 pages a day, or more than 20 each minute he was at his desk. The Japanese really know how to treat their employees. In America this man would have been fired on the spot, but in Japan they understand that accidents do happen and they only gave him a minor demotion. He's an old man who probably doesn't know how to use the Internet. I'm sure this was all just a mixup. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to go to cnn.com and accidentally found myself on cumdumperbuttsluts.com. It's an easy mistake.

By:|May 1, 2008


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Reno Moms: MILF Material And Lots Of Fun

Could you imagine that face staring blankly at you while you nakedly pump away? Well, that happened to some poor, poor man because this woman is a mom. And apparently she likes to party: A 46-year-old Reno woman remained jailed Tuesday, accused of battering three school officials who refused to release her toddler daughter to her because of her intoxicated condition, police said. Carla Scharbach was booked Monday night at Washoe County Jail on three counts of battery on a school official and malicious destruction of property. The latter charge accuses Scharbach of using a brick to break a window of Holy Day Kindergarten school on Reno Avenue so she could get inside. 6:17 p.m. report of a grossly intoxicated woman who would not leave the premises after employees refused to release her 2-year-old daughter to her custody. The girl was in an after-school day care program. The woman allegedly used a brick to break a window, went inside, confronted the three employees and demanded her daughter. When they refused, she allegedly battered them, the report said. There are a lot of things going right in this story. First off, her sheer beauty. She looks like she just stepped out of a salon...and into a garbage truck. Secondly, there's some underrated brick-hurling. Honestly, when was the last time you heard about someone hurling a brick? And finally, this story has the term "grossly intoxicated"—which means she had a blood alcohol level of .16 (double the legal limit). You know you're having a pretty awesome day when you get grossly intoxicated before your daughter gets home from school. I've never been to Reno, but I think I'm going make it my next vacation destination.

By:|May 1, 2008


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“Bacon Art” Perfect For Starving Artists

The world of bacon has really taken off in the last few years. There's bacon candy, bacon bras and bacon houses, but now the world has been given the gift of bacon art. You may remember the Meatscapes that showed the world the inherent beauty in a huge hunk of meat. Now artist Victoria Reynolds has taken her love of bacon (and other deli products) and put them in an artistic context. Look at the marbling, the texture, the artery-clogging deliciousness. Van Gogh probably wouldn't have cut off his ear if he was working with meats instead of boring old paint. (He would've cut off another hunk of bacon, instead.)

By:|May 1, 2008


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Taco Belle: Josie Maran

Age: 29 Where you've seen her: Aside from a bunch of crappy movies, Josie Maran was on the cover and played the main character in Need For Speed: Most Wanted, and did some dancing on Dancing With The Stars. So there's that. Pointless quote: "I don't believe in marriage. I just don't think it's necessary in this day and age. I just think if you need to get married, then you're already distrusting the person. Why do you have to sign something to show your love? You just love, everyday." via egotastic.com

By:|May 1, 2008


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Link Time

Hidden Messages in Beatles Songs revealed (I-Am-Bored) Therapy for cereal mascots (college humor) Really hot sideline reporter found (busted coverage) 5 best Paula Abdul Meltdowns (coedmagazine) Jon Lovitz pulls a Kramer (double viking) Dumbest guy ever? (hornyoyster) Alessandro Ambrosio showering (camel tap) It's amazing what a little lime can do (tastybooze)

By:|April 30, 2008


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Your Disgusting Bathroom Can Win You Stuff

Do you have a disgusting bathroom in your house or apartment? Do you know about a disgusting bathroom at a local bar or restaurant? If so, get out your cell phone camera or an old-fashioned camera camera, take a snapshot and send it to feedback@holytaco.com. We will post the best ones and give everyone who enters their very own HolyTaco T-shirt. And, if that wasn't enough, we will award the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) bathroom photo with a copy of EA's NFL Tour for the Xbox 360. So get out there and start crapping all over everything. It could win you something for once!

By:|April 30, 2008


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Naomi Campbell Carries Bat, Scares Children

This photo is of Professional backyard brawler and sometimes supermodel Naomi Campbell.  She's shooting a scene for the television show "Ugly Betty."  This is what I hate about the entertainment industry, you can throw shit at your housekeeper or assistant, physically assault people and just be a general total and complete piece of shit, and people will not only continue to give you work, but magazines will celebrate how adorable it is you're playing a softball player on a television show.  She's not even that hot.  She looks like a transvestite spider.  Anyway, I digress. I think the plot of this episode is that there's a softball game between the Ugly Betty chick's fashion magazine and Naomi Campbell's fashion magazine.  If there's a God, (which, the mere fact that Ugly Betty is a show on a major network confirms there's not) this episode would feature Betty hiring Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols to bat for her in her place with the game on the line, and it would result in this in the first inning: and this in the bottom of the ninth:

By:|April 30, 2008


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Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon Get Married

I used to have this really nice golden retriever, and then it got old and blind and starting shitting while it walked and running into stuff.  Then one day I came home and my mom had taken it to get a bath and a hair cut and she was like "See, Bailey is like she's three again!" and right when she said that Bailey took a shit on my mom.  My point is, when things get old and crazy, there's no going back no matter how many baths or haircuts they get.  Usmagazine.com reports: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have wed. The two got hitched in a small ceremony on an island Wednesday, according to the magazine. They quote a source as saying it was "very implusive." Nick Cannon what in the hell are you doing?  You're 27 and from what I hear you're in movies and chicks want to do you.  Why in the hell are you marrying a batshit crazy, 38 year old Mariah Carey?  It makes no sense.  It'd be like winning the lottery then immediately buying the first used Delorean that showed up in an Autotrader search. Much like a Michael Bay film, this is going to be incredibly pointless and end terribly.  But the worst part for Nick Cannon is that Mariah Carey has reached a level of crazy that makes her capable of anything.  You remember the movie Misery?  You remember that shit?  Yeah, well, take a look, this photoshop scared ME while I was making it.

By:|April 30, 2008


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Retarded Monkey Gets Birthday Party

Uhhhhhh....according to stuff.co.nz: They made special cards, queued to wish him Happy Birthday, and one youngster brought a banana tied with a bow to help Ricky, the special-needs monkey, celebrate his 15th birthday at Natureland. Ricky, who was left badly brain-damaged after being brutalised by a jealous sibling when he was born, has been in the media spotlight following the council's announcement, with staff and the public expressing concern at what might happen to him should the zoo close. Mrs Sutton said the community had been supportive and donated time and energy to help the cash-strapped zoo mark the capuchin monkey's big day. Zoo curator Gail Sutton said the day was extra special as staff had thought Natureland was going to close on March 31, and would not have been open to celebrate Ricky's milestone. "We didn't make any plans, and when we found we were definitely staying open longer we had three weeks to put together a birthday party for Ricky." Three weeks? Do you really need three frickin' weeks to plan a birthday party for a retarded monkey? I need about four minutes to plan a birthday party for a retarded person (my planning supplies: a pack of chewing gum and a brightly-colored stick.) But when it comes to a monkey's big day, I can guarantee that whatever you're planning will just terrify him. Put yourself in the mind of a retarded monkey for a second. You're going about your day doing what retarded monkeys do (constantly jacking off?) and then someone drags you from the comfort of your cage, a bunch of little children are screaming and pawing at you and then someone shoves a fiery cake in your face. Just give him an extra banana and let him watch the first half of King Kong. Thanks to Senor Walsh for sending in.

By:|April 30, 2008


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Sex And The City: The Real Version

So, it's being reported today in people.com that Miley Cyrus watches the TBS "edited down version" of Sex And The City, so that she doesn't see an inappropriate content. "The show she watches is completely sanitized. She watches it on TBS," says a source close to Cyrus. Well, I went ahead and edited a version for her. I think mine allows her to more thoroughly enjoy the essence of the show that's lost in TBS recuts.

By:|April 30, 2008


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Man Attempts To Cash Check For $360 Billion

Forging checks is a delicate business. You have to plan ahead, hone your signature-writing skills and most importantly, you have to make sure you don't write a check for a ridiculous amount of money. Charles Ray Fuller needs to work on the last one. According to Neatorama: Dallas, Texas: A man has been accused of attempting to pass a $360 billion check, which he claims was given to him by his girlfriend's mother to start a record business, Fort Worth police said. Police responded to a report of a man attempting to pass the check about 4 p.m. that day, Fort Worth police Lt. Paul Henderson said. The personal check was not made out to Mr. Fuller and when the bank contacted the check owner, the woman said she did not write a check for $360 billion. Mr. Fuller was also accused of unlawful carrying of a weapon and possession of marijuana, Lt. Henderson said. He may also face a theft charge in Crowley. Lt. Henderson said he did not know if Mr. Fuller and his girlfriend were still together. I'm very surprised the police were tipped off in this case. Most record companies need at least $360 billion to get started and most of the time that money comes from one check written by an elderly woman who lives in a bad neighborhood. Well done, Detectives. Well done.

By:|April 30, 2008