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Keeley Hazell Dances In Her Underwear

I think this was originally the concept for Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" video. I didn't even know Keeley Hazell was a singer. But then I realized that the equation for a successful singing career looks like this: T x 120% + HB x 4500% = AS T = Talent (scale of 1-100) HB = Hugeness of Boobs (scale of 1-100) AS = Albums sold (in hundreds) Thus, using said formula, Sheryl Crow's equation for her next album would look like this: (T)90 x 120% + (HB)4 x 4500% = 1,810.8 AS Whereas Keeley's equation would be: (T)4 x 120% + (HB)99 x 4500% = 44,554.8 AS Special thanks to the folks at M.I.T. for spending the last few weeks on this.

By:|April 27, 2008


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Roger Clemens Gave Rocket To Other Woman?

I wonder if Roger Clemens ever thought, when he was feeling down about the roids accusation, "Well, it could be worse, I could be accused to cheating on my wife."  Espn.com reports: The New York Daily News, citing "several" unnamed sources, reported on its Web site Sunday night that Clemens and country singer Mindy McCready had a decade-long affair. Clemens' lawyer, Rusty Hardin, said Clemens and McCready had a friendship and nothing more. First, that's pretty cool Roger Clemens' lawyer's name is Rusty Hardin.  Sort of sounds like the name of a porn star who only does anal.  Secondly, who the hell has ever heard of Mindy McCready.  Like, the report basically should have just said "Roger Clemens has affair with woman."  I know they want to make the story bigger, but if she gets the moniker of country singer, then I want it to, because I once sang Kareoke to Achy Breaky Heart and a couple people in the audience told me I was "pretty okay."  Anyway, the news of this affair has been out for a while, but because no one knows who the hell this woman is, we didn't see the signs.  Here's her Second Album, her first was called "If you need help evening out a table with a wobbly leg."

By:|April 27, 2008


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Miley Cyrus Is Very Naughty

When I was sixteen, my brother picked the lock to my bathroom and snapped a picture of me taking a shit fully nude, while reading a Cosmopolitan magazine. A year later that picture was slipped by my brother, in to my aunt's slideshow presentation of her trip to Greece, that she shared at our family reunion. That was embarrassing. The picture of above that Miley Cyrus took for Vanity Fair, eh, not as embarrassing as she thinks. People.com reports: "My goal in my music and my acting is always to make people happy. For Vanity Fair, I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie [Leibovitz]. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed." I love how the people who manage female child stars, Disney included, TOTALLY want to exploit the fact that they're attractive and that men want to have sex with them, but when anyone ever mentions that something these girls do has a sexual overtone to it, they respond with "We are horrified that this happened. This is not something we condone." Really? It's not? Gee, what the F&^K did you think was going to happen when the photographer told Miley "Hey, can you take off your shirt and then wrap this thin sheet over the bottom part of your boobs?" No, they don't stop shit like this because they WANT people to want to screw Miley Cyrus because then people will buy and watch shit that Miley Cyrus is in so that they can jerk off to it.  If that happens, not only will they have the child demographic who loves her, they'll also have the jerking off demographic, which, I think we can all agree, spends AT LEAST as much money purchasing things as the child demographic.  Anyway, I digress. The photo above is nothing to be embarrassed about. When I first read that she was embarrassed about a picture, I thought I was going to see something like this:

By:|April 27, 2008


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MILF Monday: Denise Richards

Age: 37 Where you've seen her: I'm not going to bother mentioning Starship Troopers, The World is Not Enough, or Undercover Brother. Because the only thing you ever think about when you see Denise Richards is her Neve Campbell three-way in Wild Things. Is she really a MILF?: Technicaly, yes. But since Charlie Sheen is the father of her "children," she actually gave birth to little bags of cocaine and prostitutes instead of babies.

By:|April 27, 2008


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Chewbacca Will Be Your Designated Driver

The best part about this 1979 Star Wars PSA is that it doesn't actually show any characters had anything close to a speaking role in any of the movies. What? Jabba The Hut or C-3PO are too busy to make sure you don't get behind the wheel after too many Death Stars? Jerks.

By:|April 26, 2008


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It’s Raining Golf Balls, Which Is Better Than Men

Two reasons I posted this: 1)Because I saw that it was a news report about a guy who was upset about golf balls ending up in his yard and I had to know whether or not the local news report was going to say the guy was "teed off." God I love local news. 2)I love how they think it's some kind of mysterious phenomenon. The guy lives on a giant amount of land, and any time you live on a giant amount of land, if someone who lives near you has a golf club, there's a good chance there's going to be a shitpile of golf balls on your land. I was half way expecting them to show an artists rendition of some sort of monster that is responsible for this madness. God I love local news.

By:|April 25, 2008


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Friday Link Dump

Random Shit I found on The Web This little kid has the gift of speech. He's also going to end up as the youngest prisoner in Guantanamo Bay. Yes he will. This is an interesting break down of how much major league pitches break...down. Thanks to Jonah C. for sending this in. Link Friends Erin Andrews 30th birthday bash (busted coverage) George Clooney's ex-girlfriend (Camel Tap) Brooke Hogan denied at three Florida Universities (Coedmagazine) 10 ugliest faces in Hollywood (double viking) Tricia Helfer in FHM (hornyoyster) Our government brain trust hard at work (tastybooze) Dude, your balls are hanging out (Unibrow)

By:|April 24, 2008


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Holy Taco Comment Of The Week

This week's winning comment was on the "Wesley Snipes Goes To Jail" post. Comment winner: MORTY Comment: "obviously it would be more beneficial to the public as a whole, if the government would thaw out sylvester stallone to collect the money..." Yes, that's right, any time you can successfully reference Demolition Man, there's a good chance you're going to win the comment of the week.  Well done, Morty. New contest starts right.......now!

By:|April 24, 2008


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New Children’s Book Explains Mommy’s New Face

The next time little Susie asks mommy why she has bandages all over her face and a brand new torso, she can just read a new book written by a plastic surgeon called "My Beautiful Mommy." According to nysun.com: A Bal Harbour, Fla., plastic surgeon has written "My Beautiful Mommy, which explains cosmetic surgery to school-age children. The story focuses on a teddy bear-clutching little girl whose mother is about to go in for a nose job and a tummy tuck. "Kids tend to associate a doctor's visit with being sick, Dr. Salzhauer, a father of four, said. "They come in with this puzzled look on their face and ask questions like, “Is mommy dying?' I'm so glad someone is taking the time to sit down and teach children about all the positive aspects of plastic surgery. Someone should've given this book to Jocelyn Wildenstein's offspring. Ya know, just to allay their fears and let them know that plastic surgery always turns out great.

By:|April 24, 2008


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Would Amy Winehouse Go To Women’s prison?

I've seen a couple bar fights in my day, and they usually consist of some shirt ripping, one partially landed punch, and a lot of angry guys both answering and asking questions using only the word "bro."  Never, ever, have I seen a bar fight like the one described here.  People.com reports: Troubled British singer Amy Winehouse has been arrested for an alleged assault. A 38-year-old man filed a report stating he was "headbutted" by Winehouse after trying to hail her a cab at 3:20 a.m. on April 23.  She also allegedly punched another man in the face and smoked drugs on the street. So basically she beat the shit out of two dudes using a head butt and a punch and then after said dudes asses were kicked, she was like "f*&k, let's smoke some crack and or a joint."  Dude, when I was in fourth grade and feeling the wrath of other kids due to my not losing my baby fat/my fat fat, I used to day dream of a scenario just like that one with me in place of winehouse, sans the drug smoking.  (I think in my day dream I pulled out a capri sun after I was done, not sure). Anyway, you have to admit, that's a pretty bad ass move by her.  That's like out of a Van Damme movie.  And not one of the shitty, late 90s, "I have to pay child support so I don't read the script" Van Damme movies, I'm talking vintage VD.  Winehouse should fill the void left by the artist formerly known as Steven Segal.  Imagine Winehouse remaking BloodSport*: *Hands down the worst photoshop I've ever done.  Disturbingly awful.

By:|April 24, 2008


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Carmen Electra Gets Ring

I always thought, if you banged one musician who wore eye-liner, you pretty much banged them all.  Or, at least that's what my grandfather always used to say towards the end of his  life when he got sort of bat shit crazy.  But, apparently Carmen Electra never talked to my grandpa.  She's engaged and she's sporting a new ring.  People.com reports: Third time should be the charm for Carmen Electra , as evidenced by the rockstar-sized ring she was sporting Thursday night. "It's a black diamond, perfect for us," Electra tells PEOPLE. "Different , it's our style." The only thing I know about diamonds I learned in the trailer for the movie Blood Diamond.  From the looks of it, the movie was a wacky romantic comedy about Leo Dicaprio hiring the dude from Amistad find him the perfect diamond for his wife and hilarity ensues.  Anyway, I guess finding a great diamond is really tough to do because there was a lot of explosions.  Either way, there was nothing in the trailer about black diamonds, so they couldn't be that cool.  I think if she really wanted to do something different, she would have gotten a ring like this:

By:|April 24, 2008


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Professional Tow Truck Driver In Action

Professional Tow Truck Driver In Action - Watch more free videos Tow truck drivers are a skilled section of the car care workforce. You can't just be any jackass with a trailer hitch and expect to know how to properly connect two automobiles with a chain. You need years of schooling, hours of study and extensive on the job training before you can join the ranks of those who drag cars from point A to point B.

By:|April 24, 2008


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Taco Belle: Stephanie Glasson

Age: 32 Where you've seen her: Playboy, Playboy's Playmate Calendar 2006, Playboy's Nude Playmates March 2005, Playboy Video Playmate Calendar 2005... Tantalizing tidbit: Did I mention that she's been in Playboy?

By:|April 24, 2008


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Link Time

Jake Peavy loves himself some Jagr (coedmagazine) A real ad for college (college humor) Yuliya Nachalova is a frisky Ruskie (camel tap) This dude hates tulips (double viking) I still want to party with Sam Keller.  Still. (busted coverage) Penguins know how to fly? (tastybooze) 10 funniest red carpet moments (unibrow) Lauryn Eagle esta en fuego (hornyoyster)

By:|April 23, 2008


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Miss Piggy Teaches Us With Peaches

If I knew the Muppet Show was like this, I would've watched a lot less porn and a lot more Muppet Show.

By:|April 23, 2008


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Are Kelly Clarkson’s Thighs Fat or The Fattest?

Something about Kelly Clarkson's body just looks wrong. Her top is pretty thin, but she's got the thighs of a Latvian Squat Champion. If you only saw her from the waist down you'd think you were watching the World's Strongest Man competition on ESPN 8. And with thunder thighs like those, I bet she could pull a flaming helicopter farther than Magnus Ver Magnusson.

By:|April 23, 2008


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Wesley Snipes Goes To Jail

Paying taxes really sucks.  But hearing another man say "so I'm gonna have sex with you when I want, and in exchange I'll make sure no one stabs you," and you saying "Okay, that sounds reasonable," sucks, like, a lot more.  People.com reports: Wesley Snipes is prison-bound.  The Blade star, 45, was sentenced Thursday to three years behind bars as his punishment for tax evasion. The defense, on the other hand, sought probation rather than prison time. "Wesley Snipes is not a dangerous man who needs to be imprisoned to protect the public." Not a danger?  I don't know about that.  When I walked out of the third Blade movie, I heard some dude next to me say "I swear to God someone needs to stop Wesley Snipes from making more of these or I'm going to f*&king kill somebody."  And if there's one thing you can be SURE of, if Wesley Snipes is let out of jail, and he owes a whole shitpile in back taxes, you're going to be seeing his face in numerous shitty movies, including as many Blade sequels as possible, which would probably look something like this:

By:|April 23, 2008


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1 Out Of Every 1 Monkeys Agree: Penis Delicious

That's it. I don't care about my opposable thumbs or ability to walk upright. I would give all my evolution back if it meant I could do this. See more animal fun at tastybooze.com

By:|April 23, 2008


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Hitler Has Birthday. Indiana Politician Celebrates It.

Birthdays are special days. But if you're an Indiana politician, you might not want to go to every birthday party you're invited to. According to nwitimes.com: A congressional candidate is defending his speech to a group celebrating the anniversary of Adolf Hitler's birth, saying he appeared simply because he was asked. Tony Zirkle, who is seeking the Republican nomination in Indiana's 2nd District, stood in front of a painting of Hitler, next to people wearing swastika armbands and with a swastika flag in the background for the speech to the American National Socialist Workers Party in Chicago. "I'll speak before any group that invites me," Zirkle said Monday. "I've spoken on an African-American radio station in Atlanta." That last excuse sounds a lot like, "I totally have black friends!" But I don't even want to bother getting into the political, personal or social ramifications of speaking at Hitler's birthday. I'm more interested in how those wacky Nazis go about celebrating it. Do they get cake? Do they karaoke "Deutschland Uber Alles"? Do a bunch of Nazi pals sit in a circle and read aloud from Mein Kampf? If so, I hope they read a few chapters from this 1943 German bestseller.

By:|April 23, 2008


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Heidi And Spencer Cancel White House Trip

I don't even think I can continue to call Spencer Pratt a douchebag.  It's like he's doing things in the field of douchebaggery that have never been done before.  It's like when Einstein discovered the  theory of relativity or when Knute Rockne introduced the forward pass: People just stood still in amazement, knowing that respectively, both science and football would never be the same.   That's sort of how I reacted when I read this on popsugar: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have backed out of their trip to this weekend's White House Correspondents Dinner because no one would pay for an uninvited Spencer's first-class ticket and it wasn't "A-listy" enough To fully explain how awesome this move is, let's break it down in terms that we humans can understand:  Imagine someone was throwing a party and you were definitely NOT invited to it.  Like, they made it clear you couldn't come.  Then you called that person and said "Either pay for my cab fare to this party or I'm not coming."   Would that make you retarded, or brilliant?  I honestly can't say which.  I'll leave it up to future scholars to judge. As far as not being "a-listy enough," he might have the point.  The Presidents approval rating is at a record low, so he's been hanging with a pretty d-list crowd.

By:|April 23, 2008