Holy Taco

Britney Spears Is A Cartoon

If you've ever thought, "Man, I really like the Smurfs, whore-ish looking women, and terrible music. If only there was a way to combine them, then I've got some exciting news for you. Usmagazine.com reports: Britney Spears' next music video is pure animation. In "Break the Ice," an animated Spears works her way through a futuristic environment. "Since Britney has been otherwise occupied this was a creative and fun way to do her next video," a source tells Usmagazine.com. I love that they said "otherwise occupied," like she had to give someone a ride to the airport. Publicists are awesome. Britney Spears could walk into a homeless shelter and start hurling her own poop at people and the press release would say "Britney's been helping out a group of transients even though she's been having some stomach problems." Looking at Britney, then looking at the cartoon representation of her, I think maybe they took a few liberties. It's basically the equivalent of this:

By:|March 11, 2008

Politicians Only Apologize For Whores

Eliot Spitzer isn't only unfaithful politician - Watch more free videos It seems that if you're a politician, you can steal money, screw over tax payers, give kickbacks to your friends, and generally be a horrible human being, and no one gives a shit. But if you pay for sex, well, you better get your wife by your side and give a speech apologizing to everyone.

By:|March 11, 2008

Kate Beckinsale Dances In Her Underwear

I love how celebrities will pretty much do anything, no matter how stupid it is, as long as you tell them what they're doing is an homage to something a French person did. Is it just me, or is it a little creepy when Kate Beckinsale poses in this. Someone needs to teach her how to do that. It reminds me of the dance little kids do when they celebrate the first shit they took in a toilet. Still though, she's really hot and I thank who ever B.S.'ed her into doing this.

By:|March 10, 2008

The Lamest Dance Moves Of All Time

They say that guys who know how to dance are better at getting girls. Watch these videos and learn a thing or two, so next time you're out at the bar, you can make sure you will never, ever, ever get a girl. 8. Do The Douche Cut off jean shorts? Check. Gloriously tanned man-boobs? Check. The ability to play the air/dick guitar? Check. With this guy it's not a matter of if he'll get a woman, it's a matter of how ugly she'll be. 7. Mark "Mad Dog" Madsen You'd think professional athletes would have a little more coordination than your average person. You won't think that anymore after seeing Mark shame himself in front of millions of people. Coach Dances - Watch more free videos 6. Al McGuire I don't think I need to add anything to this.

By:|March 10, 2008

Amy Winehouse Looks Amazing!

I never thought I'd say this, but Amy Winehouse is super sexy now. Is she using a different eyeliner? Is it a new shampoo? Whatever it is, she looks like a new woman to me. And I like this one way more than the old one.

By:|March 10, 2008

Taco Belle: Rhona Mitra

Age: 31 Where You've Seen Her: Rhona Mitra has been in Nip/Tuck, The Practice, Boston Legal and you can see her this weekend in the virus-is-killing-everyone thriller Doomsday (these pics are stills from the flick.) She also was the real Lara Croft before some little unknown actress named Angelina Jolie replaced her. Quote That Gives You The False Idea That You Could Date Her: "I like healthy-looking guys with good, clean skin. And I like men who have brains but are still very childish. Immature guys."                    

By:|March 10, 2008

Eliot Spitzer Pays For Sex

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer (pictured here directly after a member of the press corp asked him how large his penis was) has been caught in a illegal prostitution ring. The New York Times reports: Gov. Eliot Spitzer has been caught on a federal wiretap arranging to meet with a high-priced prostitute at a Washington hotel last month, according to a person briefed on the federal investigation." The governor learned that he had been implicated in the prostitution probe when a federal official contacted his staff last Friday, according to the person briefed on the case. That was most likely an awkward phone call. "Hey, um, can I speak to Governor Spitzer?" "What's this regarding?" "Oh, um, the hooker he purchased a few nights ago?" First of all, at least he's paying for high priced prostitutes. That stimulates the economy. It's trickle down, people. Pay the whores, the whores use the money to buy whatever it is that whores buy, the dollar grows strong again, and the savings goes to your pocket. The man's just doing his job. Anyway, here's a clip from his press conference today when he apologized for banging a whore. Eliot Spitzer is sooo hawny baby - Watch more free videos

By:|March 10, 2008

Pope Reveals New List Of Sins

Sometimes when you do bad stuff, it makes the Baby Jesus cry.  For instance, when you masturbate, it makes him cry, but you happy.  But if you instead impregnate a woman, it makes you cry, but the Baby Jesus happy.  See, it's very confusing.  That's why we have the Pope and the Vatican, to tell us what's okay and not okay.  Cnn.com reports: A Vatican official has listed drugs, pollution and genetic manipulations as well as social and economic injustices as new areas of sinful behavior. When asked to list the new areas of sinful behavior, Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti denounced "certain violations of the fundamental rights of human nature through experiments, genetic manipulations." He left a couple things out.  Because I'm a journalist first and foremost, I was able to obtain the actual memo from the Pope, which outlines a few other things he considers sins.

By:|March 10, 2008

Jessica Simpson Goes To Iraq

War is hell. But hearing Jessica Simpson sing "Take My Breath Away," definitely is no picnic either. People.com reports: Jessica Simpson took her act on the road Monday , and ended up outside Kuwait City. "I am in Kuwait, I'm enjoying all the troops , having a blast," she said. When it came to what she was doing over there, Simpson said she was "signing autographs, meeting them, showing all the support I can." The troops are in Kuwait in anticipation of being deployed to Iraq. Simpson was voted the act they most wanted to see. They voted to see her? That means those guys are so horny they'd sit through a Jessica Simpson concert just to see her up close. I don't think I've ever been that horny. Of course I've never had to hang out with a bunch of dudes all day, while I await being deployed into a war zone in Iraq. Closest I've come is getting a flat tire in bakersfield and waiting two hours for Triple A to get there. If Jessica was any kind of patriot, in the middle of singing God Bless America, she'd remove her top and sing the rest of it while operating a jackhammer. That's the least she can do for our troops. Now, I looked closely at the picture above and realized that for some reason, a lot of the troops are looking slightly off to their left. I did some research and I found a picture someone snapped off, showing what they were looking at. Check it after the jump.

By:|March 9, 2008

Reporter Hates Anchor. Anchor Hates Reporter.

Reporter Fights With Anchor On Camera - Watch more free videos I usually wait to unleash all my hostile, bitter hatred for someone until I'm on live television with them. This little exchange between two Fox reporters shows you why. From Gorillmask.net.

By:|March 9, 2008

Eat This: Bacon Lollipop

Bacon has been made into mints, candy bars, and a roof of a meat house, so it's no surprise to see the world's most manly food has now been made into lollipops. Using real Vermont bacon, these lollys also use real VT maple syrup to create a maple bacon treat for the carnivorous sugar addict in your life. My only question is: how long before "Bacon Cancer" is the number one killer in America? (Answer: about a week.)

By:|March 9, 2008

McDonald’s Special Sauce in the 70s = LSD

I hate the 70s. The clothes sucked, the music sucked and large corporations thought coopting trippy drug culture would help them sell hamburgers. Was everyone on acid back then? If I somehow got wound up in the McDonaldland portayed in this commercial I would kill myself. Seeing a field of living hamburgers doesn't make you hungry. It makes you crazy. The war on drugs doesn't need DEA agents and Just Say No programs to succeed. It just needs to show kids that when you do a bunch of drugs, you make retarded crap like this.

By:|March 9, 2008

MILF Monday: Jenny McCarthy

Age: 35 Where you've seen her: Jenny McCarthy has been in everything from Playboy to The Stupids. If you've never seen her before, then you may want to look into getting a TV or asking the doctors to bring you out of the coma. Is She Really A MILF? Yep. On May 18th, 2002 she had a small child named Evan Joseph removed from her body via her uterine canal.                      

By:|March 9, 2008

Worst Hockey Fight Ever

Montreal Player: "Please don't hit me." Ottawa Player: "OK, but only if you don't hit me." Montreal Player: "Deal."

By:|March 8, 2008

Dirty Sexual Act Or Fast Food Order?

If you're not familiar with In and Out Burger, it's a fast food joint that lets you order your burger a bunch of different ways. Some of those ways sound like nasty ass sex acts. Here's a game you can play to see if you can tell the difference. Thanks to the guys at pandasmash.com for sending this to us.

By:|March 7, 2008

52% Like Jenna Bush’s Oval Office

This was an incredibly close election, and unlike her father, Jenna Bush didn't have to cheat in Ohio to win. I kid, I kid, everybody calm down. After almost 9000 votes were cast, Holy Taco readers decided they'd like to be in the Jenna's Bush instead of a tall glass of Jameson. Holy shit those were bad puns. After reading the comments, it seemed the whole "she's been banged by a thousand dudes" rationale hurt Jameson. As usual, here's actual responses from REAL readers: AlcoLOL: No matter how many STDs she has, I'll take Jameson over Bush any day. Jenna Bush reminds me of William Shatner Don't ask why. Nick: Listen, I don't know if you people know who Peter North is ..but if you saw what I witnessed him do to Jameson then you would steer clear. I might have been watching a civil rights video from the 60's with firehoses I still can't recall. I passed out in horror and woke up in the bathroom of a Mexican Restaurant. Turd Ferguson: I would let the prez smell my finger afterward.

By:|March 7, 2008

Who Would You Rather Do?

Chicks Named Bell Edition Kristen Bell vs. Lake Bell

By:|March 6, 2008

By:|March 6, 2008

By:|March 6, 2008

Friday Link Dump

-- I'm going out on a limb right now and I'm saying that these two clips are two of the greatest clips of all time. I beg of you to watch the whole thing. We talked about the intricacies of this for two hours. That's how great this clip is/big of losers we are. -- Nah, I think I have enough information. I don't need to e-mail anyone. Wait a few seconds for it to download. -- I remember when I used to time my shower to happen RIGHT after The Wonder Years because of Winnie Cooper. This is a good compilation. -- I ran across this clip again on youtube. I only own three DVDs and this is one of them. This scene is a good reason why. -- This is the kind of shit scientists need to be working on. Bravo. -- This is the hottest track and field star I have ever seen. I DEFY any of you to find one hotter. -- I'm sick and tired of people telling me to take airborne when I'm sick and tired. I can't believe I just wrote that joke and thought it was even mildly amusing. Thank God it's Friday. -- When I look at this picture of Pat Riley, I feel like he's about to go into a sorority house and film 18 pornos. Finally, our photoshopping reader Marcus L sends us so many great photoshops, I've decided to give him a spot in the link dump called PHOTOSHOP WITH MARCUS. This is his response to my Hillary/Obama bumper sticker. Check it after the jump:

By:|March 6, 2008