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Taco Belle: Angie Harmon

AGE: 35 Where You've Seen Her: One of the many many Law and Orders.  Also on the arm of disgraceful excuse for a defensive back, Jason Sehorn. Tantalizing Tidbit:  Angie delivered a speech at the 2004 Republican National Convention, which I'm guessing means if you knock her up by accident, start purchasing baby clothes and accessories.

By:|April 23, 2008


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Link Time

Apparently it's good to be a quarterback at Arizona State (busted coverage) These pants will not get you laid (camel tap) Miss Co-ed: Adriana Sklenarikova (coedmagazine) Railroad Tank implosion (double viking) Who doesn't love a sexy secretary? (hornyoyster) Sprint Phone Ad promotes crack? (tastybooze)

By:|April 22, 2008


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Star Jones Single! Unbelievable But True!

Once when I was 9, I was at the county fair, and the dude operating the bumper cars had a weird boil/zit type thing on his face that looked like it was going to burst and his wife came up and popped it, and then wiped the stuff that came out of it on their small child's shirt.  I tell you this because I'd sooner jerk off to that scenario, then to a picture of Star Jones.  Even though it's reported that she's now single: Star Jones has filed for divorce from husband Al Reynolds, the former View co-host has announced. That's right gentleman, she's single!  Get out your nice pants and what ever you can rub on yourself that smells like rosemary encrusted cornish game hen, because it's time to go-a hunting for a single lady by the name of Star Jones!  She goes on to say: Several years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life. A month ago I filed for divorce. I think what she meant to say was "Several years ago I used to be really super really fat.  Now I'm not so I want to see if I can do a hotter more succesfull dude."  I think what Star doesn't understand is that it's not so much her looks that make her disgusting, it's her hideous personality.  But also her looks, I shouldn't have spoken hastily.  Anyway, there's only one bar I know of where she might find a dude who'd be in to her.  That's right, the Star Wars Cantina. Whoa!  I wouldn't be looking over the pointy headed dudes shoulder while he's playing cards.  That's no way to win a man!

By:|April 22, 2008


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Penis Thieves Run Wild In Africa!

There are a lot of excuses men use for having a small penis or not being able to get an erection during sex.  "I've been under a lot of stress," "It doesn't get full size when the air is dry," "I thought I heard your parents come home.  I know they're on vacation, but I thought I did and once I think that, you know, that's it."  But I have NEVER, EVER, heard an excuse like this:  Reuters reports: Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft. I love being a dude, but holy shit we will stop at no lengths to find a reason for our penises being subpar.  Imagine having this conversation while failing to impress a girl the first time she sees your penis: MAN: No, seriously, my penis used to be HUGE, but then I cut off this guy in traffic, and well, wouldn't you know it, he turned out to be a sorcerer that steals penises. WOMAN: But your penis is there, it's just really small. MAN: Well, by stealing I meant "make smaller." WOMAN: What about the fact that you can't get an erection? MAN: Penis Sorcerer.  Also I think he had something to do with my apartment bathroom being really gross.

By:|April 22, 2008


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Give-A-Wednesday: Win Gran Turismo 5 Prologue

Write a caption for this lovely lady and you can win a copy of Gran Turismo 5 Prologue. It's the game that let's you drive like Billy Joel on Long Island (without all those pesky fines and convictions.) As usual, leave your caption in the comment section. Winners will be notified via HolyTaco. See last week's winners after the jump:

By:|April 22, 2008


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A-Rod, A-Rod Wife, Make A-Rod Baby

Even though Alex Rodriguez can't come through in the clutch, apparently his sperm can.  People.com reports: Rodriguez, 32, was with his wife Cynthia, 34, as she gave birth to the couple's second daughter, born Monday night in Miami, his team announced. The baby, whose name has not been revealed, weighed 7 lbs., 2 oz. It's also been reported that the baby poked his head out of Cynthia's vagina and refused to come out and live as a Rodriguez family member until they agreed to sign him to a contract of 18 years, 770 million dollars with additional incentives including a promise that he'll be breast fed till he's 6 and will not be forced to make doo doos like a big boy until he feels he's ready. I'm trying to think of what in the hell A-Rod would name his baby.   Will he give it a normal name like "Daniel Rodriguez" or will he give it one of those cooky celebrity baby names like "Icanthitworthagoddamnshitintheplayoffs Rodriguez." Anyway, I obtained a photo of the newborn.  Let's take a look see! Derek Jeter, you got some splaining to do.

By:|April 22, 2008


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Douchebag Takes Himself Out To The Ballgame

Fan Drops Ball - Watch more free videos Feel free to yell one of the following chants after watching this video: Chant #1: Doooouche-baaaaag....Dooouuuchee-baaaaag. Or Chant #2: Let's go Douchebag--clap clap, clap-clap-clap! Let's go Douchebag--clap clap, clap clap clap!

By:|April 22, 2008


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Megan Fox Has A Huge Fox

I'm not sure if having a huge fox is a good thing or a bad thing, but it's pretty clear that Megan Fox has a pretty big fox. I mean, just look at it. Its (mouth is) totally gaping wide open. It looks tired and red. Hell, she needs two hands to even hold it up. To be honest with you, I'm not sure if I've ever seen a bigger, redder or gaping-er fox on a woman in my entire life. And I watch porn. (Fox is slang for "bushy-tailed carnivorous mammal with a pointed muzzle found in much of the norther hemisphere, central America and central asia," right?) via hollywoodtuna.com

By:|April 22, 2008


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Link Time

Montreal Canadian fans are really drunk (Busted Coverage) Lorena Van Heerde has weird name, hot body (Camel Tap) Greek chicks strip on TV (double viking) Coedmagazine wants to give you 500 to piss off your parents (coedmagazine) Wiimote cufflinks?  You're a nerd. (tastybooze) Did someone say "boob slapping contest?" (Unibrow) Lisa Dergan is an all time favorite (hornyoyster)

By:|April 21, 2008


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Attorney Gives Cop Parking Ticket

This takes some balls. You can pretty much be assured that there's going to be slow response time to this guys house. If I was a criminal, I'd find out this lawyer's address and rob him immediately, while the taste of anger is still fresh in the mouth of the police department. Also, one other thing, I don't feel any real sense of vindication with somebody giving a cop a parking ticket. I once saw a cop break up a fight between two 25o lbs offensive lineman from a college that shall remain nameless, and during the break up, one of the o-line dudes puked on the cop. From that point on I was like "eh, not so great to be a cop." Now if he had given one of those god forsaken meter maids a ticket.....

By:|April 21, 2008


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Miley Cyrus Writes Autobiography

If you're you're reading this right now while you're at work at your job that you think is really shitty, I recommend closing your browser before you read what I'm about to show you.  People.com reports: Miley Cyrus has signed a seven-figure book deal with Disney Book Group, the teen star's publisher announced Tuesday. The book will focus on the 15-year-old's road to fame, from growing up in Tennessee to navigating the spotlight as an international star. So, not only is a 15 year-old going to write a book about her life, someone is going to pay her millions of dollars to do so.  I blame Jose Canseco for lowering the bar here.  There's no way someone who's lived 15 years has enough to write a biography.  Unless she starts at like year one.  Which would bring about passages such as this one: "I remembering it being dark, then suddenly there was a light and I felt really cold on the top of my head.  Then I realized I was coming out of my mom's vagina.  I was really excited to start my life out of the uterus but also sad that I was going to miss all the small bacteria and protein strands that I had become such good friends with." Anyway, I found an advanced copy of the book.   Here's the cover:

By:|April 21, 2008


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She Will Have Sex With Virgins For Net Neutrality

I don't know what "net neutrality" is, but I do know what "sex with virgins means." So right after I look up "net neutrality" I will completely understand this website. According to dontstayavirgin.movielol.org: Certain ISP's are planning to limit internet access in a way that infringes upon internet freedom or “net neutrality'. I'm using sex in a positive way to spread awareness. The reason why only virgins can apply is because I don't want to make this promise to such a large amount of people that I'll have to turn some down. So, basically, if you're a pro net neutrality virgin and you want to get it on with this girl...well, you can. I guess some congratulations are in order? Check out her rules of conduct after the jump:

By:|April 21, 2008


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Can I Have A Spoonful of Shitto?

Sometimes, the things we eat don't always translate across cultural and geographic boundaries. For example, a Hindu in India wouldn't dare eat one of our hamburgers because they're religion considers the cow as a sacred animal. I wouldn't dare eat Indian food because it makes me take dumps the size of Jesus. This also holds true for the names of things we eat. Would you pour something called Shitto all over your sacred cowburger? If it was just called "spiced pepper sauce," you might give it a shot, but the answer is probably no under it's current fecal moniker. Luckily, the lads at AdLand.com put together a list of brands that don't export well. Here are a few examples: See the full list here.

By:|April 21, 2008


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Hilary Duff And Mike Comrie Like PDA

Somehow it doesn't bother me as much when I see a hot chick with a boyfriend who could kick the shit out of me. I feel like it's evolution sort of telling me "you have no business trying to use your penis to make a baby with this woman." So, it doesn't bother me to report this from popsugar.com: Hilary Duff and her boyfriend Mike Comrie sneaked an adorable kiss by her car yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately Mike's Islanders didn't make it to the NHL playoffs this year. Yes, unfortunate for Mike's Islanders, fortunate for everyone else who watches hockey. They show Islanders games to prisoners in Guantanamo Bay when they refuse to reveal information about Al Qaeda. From what I hear, hockey players have a really hard time "turning off" the intensity they display during the game. I can't wait to see the headline "Comrie checks Duff Into Boards, Then Checks into Rehab." There'll be signs before that happens. You'll start seeing pictures like this, letting you know the line between ice and the world is starting to blur.

By:|April 21, 2008


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Babies Will Eat Anything

We all know babies are pretty stupid. They crap their pants, they drool all over themselves and they only speak in forced grunts or high-pitched squeals. But I must admit, I'm pretty jealous that babies can go to a museum and get away with cramming fake breasts into their mouths. I can only do that at strip clubs. And it costs me $20. (Hepatits shots are no charge at the free clinic.)

By:|April 21, 2008


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Lindsay Lohan Got Wasted Again

I'm not sure why this is really news, but it seems like people are pretty interested in Lindsay Lohan's drinking habits. I got out and get hammered all the time and the only people who seemed to care were the producers of A&E's Intervention. So, the story goes that Lindsay was out watching her possible lesbian lover Samantha Ronson DJing at a club when she decided to skip steps 1-12 of her 12-step program and chugged vodka and Red Bulls until 4am. And then she got in a car and looked like this. Looks like someone had more vodka than Red Bull. via NS4W.org

By:|April 21, 2008


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Obama Has Some Dirt On His Shoulder

I take no political sides here at HolyTaco.com (a prior urinal crapping conviction prohibits me from voting), but this Obama video combines Jay-Z, Ellen Degeneres, Ghostface Killah, Morrissey, Scarlett Johannson's boobs, Natalie Portman's nipples and LOLCats. Can someone bury this video in a time capsule? That way the people of the future can dig this up 100 years from now and know everything about our culture.

By:|April 21, 2008


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Taco Belle: Fergie’s Better Side

You're going to have to take my word for it that these photos are of Fergie. I can't really stand looking at her front (I'm not a fan of "methface") but I have to admit that her backside looks pretty good. So, I say we all enjoy these photos until she ends up with "methass."

By:|April 21, 2008


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Link Time

Arena Football player goes into crowd (busted Coverage) Putin's new chick (camel Tap) Miss Coed: Emilie Svensson (coedmagazine) Motherf***in' Wizards never die (College Humor) Find the price of a pint anywhere in the world (tastybooze) 10 hottest videos of girls taking their bras off (unibrow) Mortal Kombat vs. D.C. comics video game (double viking)

By:|April 20, 2008


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Creepy Or Sexy?: Bjork

Alright, I might be crazy here, but I sorta think Bjork is sexy.  Not so much in the classical sense of "having a pretty face" or "a nice figure" but more in the "if we had sex she'd dip my testicles in gravy and ask me to paint portions of the Koran on her ass with them."  But then sometimes I look at her and I see the really weird angsty drama chick from high school who asked her mom to pick her up blocks away from campus so no one would know her parents drove BMWs.  But, as always, it's not up to me.  It's up to you.  Is she creepy...or sexy?

By:|April 20, 2008