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By:|May 6, 2008


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Tom Cruise Takes The Stairs

This is a photo from a Gala a couple nights ago. I feel like if no one knew who Tom Cruise was, I could show this photo to the special effects team that did Lord of The Rings and tell them I did it and they'd hire me based solely upon this shot. "He must have been hundreds of yards away from the camera, and she just inches! But the steps, they look like they align. Brilliant!" I always knew Tom Cruise was short, but I didn't know he was "millions of dollars and man hours spent on set design and special effects work" short. To put in perspective, I went ahead and put him into a few photos to give perspective. Here he is with Dakota Fanning: Check out how Tom Cruise stacks up against Greg Oden after the jump

By:|May 6, 2008


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By:|May 6, 2008


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By:|May 6, 2008


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Fatass Monkeys Look A Lot Like Fatass Humans

These monkeys in a Japanese zoo have been so overfed by treat-bearing tourists, that these monkeys have become as fat as the treat-bearing tourists who made them this way. According to dailymail.co.uk: About 50 Macaca mulatta monkeys at Ohama park in Sakai, Osaka Prefecture have been so overfed by tourists they are now massively overweight. A local report in April said that about 30 per cent of the animals are so huge they struggle to get around their 420-square-meter enclosure. A healthy Macaca mulatta monkey weighs about 20lbs, but one of these chunkies is over 60 pounds. Good job, tourists. This is just how I like my monkeys. Waaaaay too obese to heave their feces at me. See if you can tell the fatass monkeys from the fatass fatasses after the jump.

By:|May 6, 2008


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By:|May 6, 2008


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By:|May 6, 2008


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The 12 Ugliest Sitcom Moms

In honor of Mother's Day, here's a list of mom's we wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Or a three-inch penis. 12. Angela Bower , Who's The Boss Number of Kids: 1 (Jonathan) Why I Wouldn't: Aside from the fact that she looks like a plastic skeleton in a pediatrician's office, she's so annoyingly neurotic that you'd be standing there holding a condom while she'd say: "Should we do this? What if Jonathan walks in? Jonathan's been acting strange lately. I think he and Mona are up to something? Do you think they're up to something? I do. I definitely do. We should spy on them? 11. Florida Evans - Good Times Number of Kids: 3 (Jimmy, Thelma and Michael) Why I Wouldn't: I'm not against a woman with a little meat on her bones, but there's a lot of meat there. And it's not just on her bones, it's pretty much everywhere. Plus, I feel like even if I got it up for her, she'd sassily lecture me because I blamed Thelma for not taking the trash out when it was actually my turn. Then she'd coax me into apologizing to Thelma and by the time I was done with that, there's no way I'd still have an erection. [Also, she looks like David Ortiz.] 10. Alice Hyatt - Alice Number of Kids: 1 (Tommy) Why I Wouldn't: I'm pretty sure Jason Varitek uses her face to catch Jonathan Papelbon. She's weathered and looks like she could possibly be from New Jersey, which means she's riddled with STDs and garlic. No thank you.

By:|May 6, 2008


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Uma Thurman: Stalker Worthy?

After hearing about Uma Thurman's recent stalker troubles, I asked myself a question: If I was a stalker, would I stalk Uma Thurman? The answer was a pretty resounding "no." (Since I was playing the role of a stalker, I also was hearing voices.) Then I asked myself another question: Is Uma Thurman sexy? Sure, she's totally cool and seems down to earth. But do you really want to stalk some girl who looks and acts like the tomboy on your company softball team? If I'm going to blow a jail sentence on a girl, she'd have to have something awesome like an enormous ass or an enormous chest or a tiny mouth...which I think means I should be stalking one of the Chicago White Sox blow-up dolls. Leave your viewpoints in the comments section. Our favorite responses will win some Holy Taco schwag.

By:|May 6, 2008


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By:|May 6, 2008


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Adorable Baby Loves Baseball, Beer

Baby Drinks Beer At Baseball Game - Watch more free videos Let's face it, baseball can be a slow-moving and tedious game to watch. If you're, say, 18-months-old, it may be difficult to follow the mental chess-game that's taking place on the field. Do you really expect a toddler comprehend the little nuances of a pitcher setting a batter up with a curveball so he can blow a fastball right by him? No. So the baby's going to get a little bored. And what better way to kill a little boredom than by giving yourself a mohawk, chilling with the mascot and knocking back a few stadium brews.

By:|May 6, 2008


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Taco Belle: Rihanna

Age: 20 Where you've seen her: If you don't know who Rihanna is you are either in a coma, suffering from Alzheimers, dead, or one of those chicks from the polygamy sect. Tantalizing tidbit: There's a British female pop singer who is named "Rhianna." This is the only time you will ever hear about her for the rest of her life.

By:|May 6, 2008


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