Holy Taco

His Job Title Is “Pet Food Taster”

You know how Fido goes totally mental whenever you crack open a can of his favorite meat chunks? Well, he has Simon Allison to thank for it. From Neatorama: Mr Allison is a senior food technologist for Marks & Spencer with special responsibility for pet produce. He insists he relishes the task and has trained his palate to detect the delicacies preferred by dogs and cats - and their owners. "You have to chew it a bit.

By:|March 3, 2008

Ben Roethlisberger Gets $102 Million? Really?

The Pittsburgh Steelers made Big Fat Ben Roethlisberger one of the highest paid players in the league yesterday. Yes, you read that right, Ben Roethlisberger. According to the Post-Gazette.com: Ben Roethlisberger became not only the highest-paid Steelers player ever, he's now among the highest-paid players in the NFL, and arguments can be made that he's No. 1. Roethlisberger today signed a contract that will pay him $102 million over eight seasons. It includes so-called "guaranteed money" of slightly more than $36 million and a $25 million signing bonus. Are good quarterbacks that scarce these days? OK, he had one good year and now he's worth one of the biggest contracts in the league? Does anyone realize that the Steelers lost all-pro left guard Alan Faneca to free agency? Do you really think the not-so-mobile (i.e. fat) Ben is going to have better or worse numbers next season? Are you tired of all my questions? So this brings up the real question: Who's Better Than Ben? Here's ten players I'd rather have on my team before Fatlisberger: 1. Tom Brady 2. Peyton Manning 3. LaDainian Tomlinson 4. Adrian Peterson 5. Tony Romo 6. Alan Faneca 7. Richard Seymour 8. Randy Moss 9. Flozell Adams (Just for the name. See also: Willie Whitehead) 10. Kordell Stewart, Charlie Batch and Bubby Brister And please don't bring up his Super Bowl win in an attempt to defend Big Fat Ben. His 123 yards, zero touchdowns and two interceptions didn't necessarily "help." I had as much to do with that win as Ben did. Can someone give me $102 million? I'll smash my motorcycle into my face if it'll help.

By:|March 3, 2008

Heidi Montag And Britney Spears; Together At Last

Heidi Montag Britney Spears duet - Watch more free videos Okay, so originally this was just the song and the pic of Montag, but I DEFY you to give me an example of a time when adding footage of Gorillas humping doesn't make things better. So, what you just listened to/watched was a duet of Britney Spears and Heidi Montag. That's right, they did a song together. An awful, awful song together. I don't know what it's called, I don't care. But getting two of the most titanically stupid people together in a room got me thinking. You remember the show Voltron? Basically Voltron was an ass kicking robot made up of 5 smaller, yet still ass kicking robots. Well, what if I was to build a "Stupid Voltron." Who would the other three parts of it be? Here's what I came up with:

By:|March 3, 2008

Mix Like A Deejay

Everybody wants to be a deejay. But the problem is, it actually takes some talent to be one. Thanks though to Xsession pro, you no longer need talent. M-Audio's MixLab, which includes an X-Session Pro USB mixing desk and Torq LE software, is what you need to get your (virtual) DJ-ing fingertips hot. Torq LE slurps up your music (including what's stashed in an iTunes library) and lets you drag and drop tracks into two virtual onscreen decks. From there, you can take the tunes and run with them -- at least as long as you're sticking to the basic techniques it offers. Wow, deejay-ing has come a long way. I remember the days when you had to shield your records from drunken sorority girls who projectile vomited in between requests for you to play Warren G's "Regulator." Don't worry though, even though you won't be using records or turntables like normal deejays, you can still have that inflated sense of self-importance derived from the fact that you have the power over what song is going to be played next. And really, at the end of the day, isn't that what it's all about?

By:|March 2, 2008

Win A Date With Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson Makes An offer - Watch more free videos So, at first, Scarlett Johansson let people bid on a chance to go to the premiere of her new movie "He's Just Not That In To You," that also stars Ben Affleck and Drew Barrymore. But after she realized that people would rather shove a pine cone in their urethra than sit through that movie, she made the above appeal. I think it was a wise move.

By:|March 2, 2008

10 Best Sports Press Conference Meltdowns

After seeing Kevin Borseth's amazing post-game press conference freak out over a women's college basketball game, we were reminded about some of our favorite post-game tirades. Because it's not about who wins and loses, it's about who has a mental breakdown on camera after the game. Jim Mora , "Playoffs?" Starting this list with any other clip would be like starting to masturbate without first locking your office door. You just don't do it. Notice Mora's use of repetition. It will become a theme here. Kevin Borseth Rant - Watch more free videos Kevin Borseth - "After the game, was I mad? Yes." The last women's sporting event I watched was Lingerie Bowl I, so maybe I don't have the best frame of reference here. Yet, when a women's basketball coach flies in from off screen and slams the stat sheet on the podium to start his post-game press conference, well, this could be the most entertaining thing to happen in women's basketball since Juwanna Mann. Terrell Owens Is A Cry Baby - Watch more free videos Terrell Owens , The Crying (Post)Game TO is clearly a changed man. Before this, the NFL's douchiest receiver was known for blaming his teammates after a tough loss. Now he's just known as a little bitch.

By:|March 2, 2008

The Future Of Ping Pong Includes Breasts

I've never sat down to watch a ping pong match in my entire life. But I've watched this mildly overweight girl play with ping pong balls at least six times, and I'm not ready to turn it off just yet. Whoever is president of the official Ping Pong Association should take note and make a few rule changes to your pathetic sport. Thanks to GorillaMask.net for the find.

By:|March 2, 2008

These People Want To Have Sex With Birds

I'm not one to judge, so I'm going to let EroticFalconry.com speak for itself: What's abnormal about wanting to see your wife take a three-inch beak instead of a 10-inch African American phallus or a silicon, injection-molded forearm? How can a human vagina or anus even compare to hollow bones or a molty egg-hole. Eroticfalconry.com is hopefully just the tip of the iceberg. Our goal is to show others what turns us on so that they can see the natural sexual ferocity of our feathered friends. I just worked up a math equation to express how I feel about boning birds: Talons + Penis = Terrified Screaming. And I try to do as little terrified screaming as possible during sex. (That's usually reserved for my partner.)

By:|March 2, 2008

MILF Monday: Naomi Watts

Age: 39 Where you've seen her: Naomi Watts has been in King Kong, 21 Grams, The Ring and Mulholland Drive. The only part of Mulholland Drive that made any sense was her lesbian scene with Laura Harring's enormous breasts. Is she really a MILF? Yes, nine months after Liev Schrieber's two pumps and a cough, she gave birth to Alexander Pete.                    

By:|March 2, 2008

There Will Be No Country For Perfect Strangers

There Will Be No Country For Perfect Strangers - Watch more free videos Does anyone remember Perfect Strangers being this violent? I thought it was a comedy about a fish out of water named Balky who came from a backwater country to stay with his Cousin Larry in New York City. But, according to this old intro for the show, I guess it was mostly about horrific close-range shootings. Huh.

By:|March 1, 2008

HolyTaco’s Tribute To The Golden Globes

The Golden Globes didn't happen, so I thought Holy Taco should pick up the slack and give you a golden globe gallery that you'd really want to see. There's no red carpet pics here, just photos of girls with large breasts. Some are of celebrities and some are just your average everyday breast-next-door. If only Joan Rivers were here to critique them all. See tons more after the jump.

By:|March 1, 2008

Jamie Lynn Spears Takes Shot To Face

I'm not saying anything. I just want everyone to know, a lot of problems could have been prevented if she just took note of the lessons she was learning on these kids shows she was in. Thanks to Kontraband.com for finding this video.

By:|March 1, 2008

Asante Samuel Makes Tom Brady Cry

The last time we saw Asante Samuel, he was dropping a game ending interception in the Super Bowl.  Apparently he feels like he needs to punish himself for that mistake, so he signed with the Philadelphia Eagles.  Yahoo sports reports: Philadelphia got its first one of 2008, signing the free-agent cornerback to a six-year contract on Friday and ending Samuel's five-year stint in New England. "I just want a chance to be able to win and get back to the Super Bowl, Samuel said. "That's why I picked the Philadelphia Eagles." Excuse me, what?  That's like saying, "I wanted to get laid really badly, so I'm deciding to burn all my money and shit my pants twice a day."  Ass-ante, you were on a team that almost went un-defucking-feated.  I'd rather join that team on Friday Night Lights and live in that shit hole town than take up a roster spot on the Philadelphia Eagles.  At least there are hot slutty chicks who like to party in Texas.

By:|February 29, 2008

People Want To Do Ellen Page

The Holy Taco readers have spoken and with almost 18,000 votes cast, a vast majority of you want to do Ellen Page, the chick from Juno who portrayed someone who was in HIGH SCHOOL.  Seriously people, what's wrong with you?  You sicken me. Anyway, I sicken myself, because while putting together the new page, I accidentally erased the comments on the old page before I was able to pick the three best.  It sucks to, because there was some dude who's comment was like "I find the Ellen to put in her space hole.  It make the magic for the happy."  I'm not even doing the comment justice, it was amazing.  Anyway, please feel free to berate me in the comments section.  I'm an idiot.

By:|February 29, 2008

Friday Link Dump

-- I'm pretty sure Samuel L. Jackson would be REALLY pissed off if he saw this. -- People listen to your complaints when you're naked.  They just do.  *NSFW* -- This was sent to me by a reader.  I must meet this man and his machine.  It must happen. -- If people from West Virginia want to stop having people call them inbred, they should stop inbreeding. -- Sometimes Gay Porn just doesn't pay the bills.  This is the most fantastical/awesome story I've seen in a while.  Anytime a criminal actually says "you'll never catch me!" to a cop, it's good stuff. --  I want a half time show like this every time I break for lunch.  I love how no one gives a shit if they actually make the dunks, they just applaud when they land and their boobs jiggle. -- I contemplated saving this for a creepy or sexy, but I just think she's creepy. -- The guy who did Super Size Me has a new movie out.  Is it possible to think that this looks both entertaining and boring at the same time? -- If you suck at sports, you'll probably find out why here. And finally, as you can probably imagine, we LOVE photoshop stuff, so we were overjoyed when reader Marcus L. sent us a couple photoshops of his own.  Earlier in the week, I called Marc Anthony "that thing that's married to J-Lo."  Well, here he is.  Check out the smelly Orlando Bloom after the jump.

By:|February 28, 2008

By:|February 28, 2008

By:|February 28, 2008

Angelina Jolie Buys Penis Gum For Her Kid

I've been around enough kids to know that the only way to get them to shut up is to buy them shit. So I applaud Angelina Jolie for this: After treating her son Maddox to a screening of The Spiderwick Chronicles at Hollywood's ArcLight theater, they hit the gift shop. Six-year-old Maddox picked out a pack of gum labeled "I [Heart] My Penis." "[Angelina] laughed and bought it," a witness told Us. So the kid [heart]'s his penis. What kid doesn't? I [heart] my penis and it doesn't even deserve it. I would be concerned if he wanted to buy the gum that said "I don't [Heart] My Penis." That would be a symbolic move by Maddox inferring that he was potentially confused about his sexuality and needed therapy. Or maybe just that he got soap in his pee pee and it hurt. Either way, trouble. Anyway, for those of you who think it's irresponsible for Angelina to buy a six year old something like that, I must tell you, it could have been worse. Today I purchased this gum:

By:|February 28, 2008

Celebrities LOVE Barack Obama

Look, I like Barack Obama but for the love of God, he didn't create the universe. I was half way expecting to see someone saying "I had third degree burns over 90% of my body. Barack Obama gave me his feces and I rubbed it all over my skin and the next day... my skin was like a baby's ass." I love how they fit every single ethnicity into this video. I'm disappointed there wasn't an eskimo dude in a parka holding a harpoon standing next to one of those dudes from Apocalypto, both chanting "O-BA-MA. O-BA-MA." It's really fortunate for Barack that his last name has three syllables. It doesn't have the same ring to it when you chant "MC-CAIN, MC-CAIN." Sort of just sounds like you're chanting Mick Cane, which sounds like the name of a crusty longshoreman in New Jersey.

By:|February 28, 2008

Creepy or Sexy? The Olsen Twins

Remember when the Olsen Twins were getting ready to turn 18? There was chaos in the streets, men were visibly weeping and Jesus himself was shitting his pants. But now, when I look at them I sometimes see either Gollum or one of those troll dolls with the crazy hair. So which one is it? Are they the sexy sirens that caused the son of God to drop a load on himself or are they just weird looking gremlin girls who happen to be worth billions of dollars? (I know it's common knowledge that one of them is hotter than the other, but to me they're one big mashup of clown clothes, eyeliner and future suicides.) Before you submit one of those "you would totally have sex with them" comments, let me save you some time. Of course I would have sex with them. I'm a man. I would have sex with a lawn chair if I could find the right lube. The question is whether they're creepy or not.

By:|February 28, 2008