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Eli Manning Marries Attractive Woman

First he wins the Super Bowl and now he wins the Super Bowl of Vagina. Usmagazine.com reports: New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning, 27, and his college sweetheart Abby McGrew, 24, tied the knot Saturday in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Before the 16-minute ceremony, Manning's brother Peyton, a quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts, whispered words of encouragement to his sib. Peyton is so wise. Such a field general. What could he have whispered? I think he handed him this play and then gave him the direction below: PEYTON: "Okay listen, there's going to be pressure from your left hand side from her father-in-law. He's going to try and talk to you about the Super Bowl and probably make a snide comment about how the defensive line was the reason you won. Don't worry about him, I'm going to be on the left and jam him on the receiving line. Now, don't worry about Abby's sister, when the priest goes right, she'll follow because she banged an island local last night and wants to confess. What you do have to worry about is the two deep zone Abby's brother and mother will be playing, which is right in front of your hotel room. So, toss a look towards the bathroom on your right, mother-in-law and brother-in-law will bite, then cut it back left behind the line of our fat Aunts and you'll be in your hotel room, balls deep in minutes. Alright, on three. One, two, three, VAGINA!

By:|April 20, 2008


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30 Catchphrases In 60 Seconds

30 catchphrases in 60 seconds - Watch more free videos Remember when there weren't 9 CSI's and 7 Law and Orders on television? No? Well, there used to be a time when television wasn't filled with plots about dead hookers and cold cases. A time when you could count on a character to say the same thing, over and over and over again. And you know what? You tuned in every week to hear them say it. And also so that you didn't have to have an actual conversation with your family at dinner. So, here's our ode to just some of our favorite catch phrases. Enjoy.

By:|April 20, 2008


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America’s Next Top…Polygamist

There's no denying those Polygamy gals who are all over the news these days have their fingers on the fashion button. So, let's go behind the scenes of the new hit show, America's Next Top Polygamist. Who's going to be this year's winner?!?! ANTPs runway coach spent countless hours working with the girls on the Court Steps routine. Looks like someone's been practicing! The dark-blue and light-blue teams are locked in an epic "pose off" battle. Who's going to come out on top?!? Tensions are running high before the final elimination round of ANTP...

By:|April 20, 2008


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Mickey Mouse’s Attempted Suicide

Love can make a man do crazy things. Apparently it can also make a mouse consider blowing his tiny little head off. In these old cartoons, Minnie left Mickey for some city slicker, and, being the hillbilly mouse that he is, Mickey doesn't think he can ever get her back. So, he does what any newly single man/mouse with low self-esteem and an unbelievably effeminate voice would do: He considers offing himself. I think the moral of this story is that killing yourself because your life partner left you is wrong, but it just comes across as creepy and sad. See how the story plays out after the jump.

By:|April 20, 2008


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MILF Monday: Diane Lane

Age: 43 Where you've seen her: While she's been in timeless classics such as Judge Dredd, Murder at 1600, Jack, and Must Love Dogs, her finest role by far was in Unfaithful. Which I hope was more of a documentary than a feature film. Is She A MILF? Yes, yes she is. She had intercourse with Christopher Lambert, her egg was fertilized with his sperm and nine months later she gave birth to Eleanor Jasmine Lambert.

By:|April 20, 2008


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George Bush Is Pretty Funny

George Bush is Funny - Watch more free videos It's nice to know that, despite his busy schedule, the president of the free world is willing to make us all laugh from time to time. Thanks, George.

By:|April 19, 2008


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Obama Gives Hillary The Finger

So, there's a whole bunch of controversy over this video. People think when Obama reaches up and scratches his face with his middle finger, that he's actually giving the finger to Hillary, who he's talking about at the moment he scratches. This is what the news media has come to. Reporting on shit like this. And before you say "You're posting about it too so that makes you as bad as them," let me answer that by saying that they run a service which is supposed to provide credible information to the public and I run a "service" where I spend an hour trying to photoshop Lindsay Lohan into a group of poor South African children. Anyway, bottom line is, even if he was giving her the finger, who cares. You know they all want to give each other the finger, they just don't do it because the finger is bad politics. Although I hear the "put your tongue between your two fingers like you're giving a woman oral sex" gesture is huge in swing states.

By:|April 18, 2008


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Friday Link Dump

Random Shit I Found On The Web I probably love the Rocky movies more than anything in the world, so if you do a mash up using the Rocky music and scenes from it, and it's halfway decent, I'll link to it. My mom never threatened to beat me with a hammer.  But I was never a punk ass bitch either. Is there a reaction that's more scared than shitting your pants?  Because if there is, I would do it if I saw this thing alive. How many different ways can you say masturbate? Link Friends Manute Bol is awesome (busted Coverage) Aubrey O'day in see-through top (Camel Tap) New hand gestures (Double Viking) Bathroom Trough slip and slide (tastybooze) I love Allison Stokke so much (coedmagazine) Tere Marie Harrison is lovely, just lovely (hornyoyster) Top 10 baywatch topless scenes (Unibrow) Who knew Gillian Anderson was still hot? (on205th)

By:|April 17, 2008


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Can All Sex And The City Characters Die?

I've never seen Sex and The City, but once at Easter my Grandma got drunk and told a story about giving oral sex to my Grandpa, and I'm guessing the show is basically just hours of that.  So, it's with no great sorrow I report one of the characters from the show will die in the movie.  Which one you ask?  No one cares knows.  Starmagazine.com reports: On Tuesday night at the Creation Nation comedy show, Cynthia Nixon -- who recently revealed that she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006 -- told writer Billy Eichner that "a character dies in the movie" -- but refused to divulge which one. Well, at first I guess that seems shocking, but that's probably just because people assume the movie takes place in Manhattan because the show did as well.  Understandable, I thought the Transformers movie would feature the Transformers and not a group of flamboyantly gay robots.  Anyway, people tell me Sex and The City is edgy, so maybe the movie will take place in Tikrit, Iraq, and the plot will be about the girls trying to infiltrate a group of Iranian arms dealers.  Of course it will also be about the problems women deal with and the great friendships they make too.  You can do both, people.  Anyway, if that were the case, I could see one of the characters dying pretty easily.  War is hell. Not my best photoshop work.  It's Friday.  Deal with it.

By:|April 17, 2008


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Man Too Drunk To Notice Knife In Back

With the weekend just hours away, this news story seems pretty appropriate. According to ninemsn.com: A drunk Russian man rode home on a bus, slept like a log and ate breakfast before his wife alerted him to a 15cm knife in his back. Yury Lyalin, 53, had been drinking the night before the grisly discovery, when his colleague , who had also been drinking , stabbed him during an argument at work. In a further bizarre element of the event, Mr Lyalin said he felt no resentment towards his knife-wielding colleague. "We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?" he said. Let me tell you, the world could use a few more Yuri's running around. We all need to understand that, after a number of beverages, certain things happen. You might forget your wallet at the bar, you might need to go to the bathroom more than usual, or you also might drive a knife into you friend's back. Hey, life is unpredictable. We all need to be a little more understanding with each other and turn the other cheek (just to make sure there's not a knife sticking out of it.)

By:|April 17, 2008


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Heidi And Spencer To Get Own Show

Before you say how ridiculous and stupid this is, remember that Tony Danza not only starred in multiple sitcoms, but also had his own talk show.  I watched him interview Tony Bennett once and spend four minutes on how crazy it was that they were both named Tony.  I shit you not.   Popsugar.com reports: Now the couple we love to hate but can't stop watching are trying to get their own spinoff show on MTV.  It would follow the Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt as they make their wedding preparations, showing us the real Heidi and Spencer. Screw that, why sell these two short?  If we're going to give them their own show, I want it to be a gritty crime drama where Heidi and Spencer are New York City detectives.  Heidi plays by the book  and Spencer's a loose cannon. The pilot will start out with Spencer blowing up half a city block in an effort to nail some Russian mobster.  Then he'll get called into the chief's office and the chief will be like "You're out of control Pratt!" and Spencer will slam his fist on the table and be like "COME ON BRO!"  Then the chief will say "That's it.  I'm partnering you up!" and Pratt will of course insist that he works alone, but then Heidi will walk in, and the sexual tension will only be able to be cut by a very sharp knife.  Also, the guy who played Vinny from Doogie Howser will be the coroner who provides comic relief.  I would watch this every week.  I wouldn't even Tivo it, I'd watch it live.

By:|April 17, 2008


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Rock Out With BEAMZ Music Light!

BEAMZ Laser Beam Music - Watch more free videos Who needs lame guitars or drums when you can look totally cool playing a kickass beam of light?!?! See that guy with the sunglasses? His sunglasses let us know that he is cool! I bet he gets lots of groupies! And that blonde-haired kid couldn't look any more bored! Rock!

By:|April 17, 2008


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How To: Read A Bourbon Label

Click to enlarge. Do you know the difference between blended or single barrel whiskey? Tennessee or Irish whiskey? Straight or gay whiskey (OK, gay whiskey is called cognac.) If you're not sure what your bourbon label is saying, then check out this handy dandy bourbon label reader I got from Whiskey Professor Bernie Lubbers. Yes, his title actually is "Whiskey Professor" so it's time to listen, learn, and most importantly, drink.

By:|April 17, 2008


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Taco Belle: Karen Angle

Age: 35 Where you've seen her: Fans of TNA wrestling will recognize Karen Angle as the manager of wrestler Kurt Angle. If you don't watch TNA Wrestling, well, I'd just like to congratulate you on your literacy. Tantalizing tidbit: Not only is she the manager of Kurt, but Karen also married him.

By:|April 17, 2008


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Link Time

Philly fans like fighting (busted coverage) Slapping your boss usually isn't the best move (College Humor) 5 pounds of silly putty (tasty booze) Vladamir Putin's new girlfriend (double viking) Elisha Cuthbert is hot (camel tap) Gisele boobchin wears nice jeans (hornyoyster) Hayden Panattiere wears jogging bra (coedmagazine)

By:|April 16, 2008


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Holy Taco Comment Of The Week Give Away

Now, I've begun to notice that some of your comments are pretty f-ing funny. Others, very disturbing. Either way, I enjoy them. So in an effort to reward those who make my job a little more interesting, we're going to give away a Holy Taco shirt (pictured above in all its glory) to whoever has the best comment on any post during the week. Hopefully the prizes in the future will get better than just a t-shirt. God I hope they do. But for now, that's what we're giving out. So, your winning comment could come from any comment you post on any article during the week.

By:|April 16, 2008


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Ashlee Simpson’s Dad Likes Money A Lot

Remeber when you'd get into a fight with your dad because he'd walk into the living room naked when you were had friends over and when you'd tell him why that wasn't cool he'd respond with "I ain't wearing clothes around my house.  I grew up on a farm in Kentucky.  If you got sissy friends who are interested in seeing your dad naked, that's your problem?"  No?  That was just me?  Hmmm.  Anyway, it could have been much worse.  Page six reports: Joe Simpson, is trying to cash in on the baby-crazed trend in celebrity magazines - but he's having a difficult time. A magazine source said, "Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover. Wait, it gets better.  Wait for it...waaaaait for it..... "The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe." Niiiiice.  I imagine that photo shoot will be amongst the creepiest in history.  Probably on the level of "Serial Killer taking photos of bound and gagged victim right before torturing them to death."  I'm imagining there'll be lots of "all right, squeeze your titties up real high like for daddy just like he promised Usweekly you would." I think at this point, Joe Simpson is more than just assured a spot in the fiery pits of hell.  I think probably Satan just comes over to hang out with him, maybe play golf or something. At first I was going to try and have Satan in all his glory, but somehow it just made me happier to think maybe Satan has to wear a suit and tie to work.  I'm losing my mind.

By:|April 16, 2008


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Emma Watson Turns 18

So, I have to be honest; I've never seen the Harry Potter movies or read the books. But one time I was at the DMV and somebody left a HP coloring book there and I colored it to distract my mind from the stench of this lady next to me who smelled like a mix between pork fat and the morning after a college party. What I'm trying to say is that I'm somewhat familiar with Emma Watson. Daily news reports: When Harry Potter actress Emma Watson turned 18 Tuesday, she received a birthday present fit for a wizard. For Emma Watson, Hermione in the Harry Potter films, turning 18 grants her access to the $20 million she's amassed making the wildly popular film series. What do you spend 20 million dollars on when you're 18? Is that hover board thing that Michael J. Fox rides in the second back to the future available for purchase? No? I have no idea then. If I was 18 and suddenly got 20 mill, I would immediately go to Target and purchase the following items and then not be seen for about a year.

By:|April 16, 2008


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Big Corporations Write The Best Songs

Bruce ServicePack and the Vista Street Band - Watch more free videos Let's face it, the music industry is changing. It's no longer the world of New York hipsterites, gangsta thugs from the Dirty South or leather-clad LA rockers. We can stop looking for the next Seattle, because the new music scene is the coming straight from the cubicals of the sales and marketing teams of the world's largest corporations. Remember when that Bank One guy totally blew our minds? And we can't forget when Jefferson Starbucks rocked our worlds with "We Built This Starbucks." I would put their lyrics of "Knee-deep in the mocha/making coffee right/So many partners/working late at night" up against anything John Lennon ever wrote. Well, now we have Bruce ServicePack and the Vista Street Band's "Rockin' Our Sales," which is sure to be an anthem this summer. Please kill me. My favorite part is the 2:37 mark when it pans out to a guy who loves this song so much he can't help but say, "Wow, Microsoft's sales team rocks!" and then his friend lets us know that they will keep rocking by saying, "And we're gonna keep rocking with SP1!" Also, I'm going to include this video. Not because it's a song parody, but because it's another example of corporate douchebaggery and I never ever ever get tired of it. Too Much Coffee For Steve - Watch more free videos

By:|April 16, 2008


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Man Trapped In Elevator For 41 Hours

The guy in the upper right quadrant is named Nicholas White. He was having a normal day until he hopped in the elevator after a smoke break. Halfway up, the elevator stopped and stranded him there for 41 straight hours. Luckily, security cameras caught his ordeal so we could all watch him go totally insane. via NewYorker.com

By:|April 16, 2008