Holy Taco

Taco Belle: Saskia Howard-Clarke

Saskia Howard-Clarke was on the UK's version of Big Brother 6. Since I don't get the BBC, I only know two things about this girl. And she's holding both of them in that photo.               

By:|February 19, 2008

David Beckham Plays Soccer?

I'm a little freaked out here, but apparently David Beckham plays soccer.  I know, I know, I thought he was just a fashion model, but the above photos show him with soccer equipment.  And this article right here says he plays professionally: David Beckham joined his Galaxy teammates in Hawaii for the first Pan-Pacific Soccer Championship.  Becks looks pretty happy to be back on the field. "It's my first time in Hawaii, so I'm looking forward to looking around and seeing the beaches and seeing everything that's beautiful here." Yeah, that definitely sounds like he's excited to be back on the field.  What with all those mentions of playing soccer and what not.  I had to check for myself, so I caught up with "Becks" at a Galaxy practice, where he was washing his car in the parking lot. ME: So, David, you excited to get back to playing? BECKHAM:  Playing what? ME: Soccer. BECKHAM:  Soccer?  What's that? ME: Oh, that's right, you guys call it football. BECKHAM:  Football?  What's that? ME: Um, the sport you used to play that made you famous?  The sport that the team you're on is practicing right there? (I point to the field where the Galaxy practice, Beckham looks in that direction, perplexed.  Daft Punk blares out of his H2) BECKHAM:  Oh, right, soccer.  Yeah, I play that sometimes.  Hey, do you know a good place where I can get a pedicure?  I'm all ashy right now.

By:|February 19, 2008

Jessica Simpson Hates Fat People

Let's face it; being fat sucks.  You get all sweaty when you do stuff like play basketball or stand motionless.  But now, things just got a whole lot worse for our chubby brethren. usmagazine.com reports: Jessica Simpson's father Joe is being sued by fitness video company Speedfit for allegedly blocking the sale of a DVD starring his daughter. After signing a multi-million dollar contract, Jessica, 27 recorded a workout tape for Speedfit.  Jessica then changed her mind about doing the tape and her father banned its release. I like that her dad bans the release of a workout tape, but he executive produces a show on MTV thats success depends upon making his daughter look like a complete and total dumbshit. Now Speedfit owner Alex Astilean has filed suit against Joe after failing to secure a $10 million settlement from his daughter last year. "They are hurting millions of fat people in America!" Astilean tells Usmagazine.com. I love how this guy calls them "fat people."  You'd think the guy trying to make money off them would go a little more PC and say overweight or something, but no, this guy calls them as he sees them. Let's be clear here, Jessica Simpson is not hurting fat people.  There's two things hurting fat people. Tyra Banks speaking on their behalf. The fact that it's legal to buy this:

By:|February 18, 2008

Matthew McConaughey Needs To Go Away

Holy shit. This is such an egregious act of douchebaggery I can't even begin to explain. This commercial is to being a douchebag, what Tiger Woods winning the Masters by 12 strokes was to Golf. This is insane. I love how at the end of it, McConaughey takes off his tuxedo shirt to reveal he doesn't even wear an undershirt under his tuxedo, then he sits on his couch and you think he's escaped the paparazzi, only to see once the shirt is off, a bunch of flash bulbs go off. And instead of McConaughey being like "What the-?! What are all these paparazzi doing in my apartment like they're throwing me a f-ing surprise party?," he just smiles. And it's not some smile like "this is awkward." No no. It's a smile that's a cross between "nine strippers are going to blow me in a couple minutes" and "hey check it out, TBS is broadcasting a marathon of Cheers." I can't even believe how douchey this is. I bet even Dane Cook watched this and was like "Wow, that McConaughey is a douchebag."

By:|February 18, 2008

GPS That Leads You To Strip Clubs

The new-fangled GPS technology is designed to make sure you won't get lost on the way to grandma's house. But Nudar turns your standard GPS system into a granny-hating "nude radar" that leads you to strip clubs, nudist beaches and anywhere there's no underwear. In addition, it will let you know if the nearby strip club is all nude, bikini, pastie or topless (granny's favorite); if it offers a full bar or is BYOB. It supports Tom Tom, Garmin, Magellan and a few others. Sign up now for a 30-day free trial at Nudar.com.

By:|February 18, 2008

Taco Belle: Meagan Good

Age: 26 Where You've Seen Her: You've seen Meagan Good in such cinema classics as "House Party 3," "Friday," "D.E.B.S.," "Stomp The Yard," and "You Got Served." You can probably see her enormous breasts from such places as "your rooftop," "anywhere," and "space." Tantalizing tidbit: She shares a birthday Scott Stapp, that douchebag from Creed, who somehow manages to be a bigger boob than both of Meagan's feedbags put together.                    

By:|February 18, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Poses NUDE!

It's happened people! It's happened! Lindsay Lohan has showed her boobies! I'm feeling so many emotions right now: Happy, sad, confused, boner. Truth be told, I said a prayer for this a couple weeks ago, and now it's come true. My prayer has been answered! Now if the guy who cut me off in traffic last week has has a possum bite his penis off, I'm going be really freaked out. People.com reports: Recreating Monroe's legendary 1962 final photo shoot for Bert Stern with the veteran lensman himself. When it came to being nude before the camera, "I was comfortable with it," says Lohan, 21 - though Lindsay does admit to having done "250 crunches" the night before the shoot. And by crunches she means "lines of cocaine." Now, I know this isn't a "hold-open-the-naughty-parts" Hustler type spread, but don't worry. Tasteful nudes are gateway photo. First you start posing for them, and then you do a scene in a Werner Herzog film where Philip Seymour Hoffman teabags you, and before you know it, you're in Barely Legal with a snake wrapped around your neck and some dude who looks like Luke Perry covered in pam spray is filling your tank. To see the rest of the NS4W pics, click here.

By:|February 17, 2008

“Pot Burger” Cop Demands Justice, Giggles

This cop is crying because some punk kids at a fast food restaurant fed him and his partner a pot-laced burger and basically got away with it because the judge was clearly a pot smoker himself (have you ever seen a judge with hair like that?) Anyway, here's how I imagine the cop's post-burger conversation went as they were driving around in the squad car. Cop #1: Oh man...could you imagine, like...jail? Cop #2: You mean, like, being in jail? Cop #1: Yeah. Jail. Cop #2: Oh man, no, no, no way man. That would be craazzy. Do you, like, feel OK? Cop #1: Man, I feel fiiiiiiiiine. I haven't felt this good since I was, like, 16. Cop #2: Me too, man. Hey, we should go back and get some more of those burgers. They were tast-to the motherfuckin'-eee. Cop #1: I'm so high right now. Let's run some red lights and beat up some homeless dudes. Cop #2: What did you say? Cop #1: Uhhh...I can't remember. Let me see....something about...I'm so high right now and...I wanna beat up some homeless dudes? Cop #2: Dude! I'm high too! [Both Laugh]

By:|February 17, 2008

MILF Monday: Isla Fisher

Age: 32 Where you've seen her: Isla Fisher was the horny daughter in Wedding Crashers. She has also appeared in a bunch of other movies, but since she didn't play a nympho in any of them, there's really no point in mentioning them. Is she really a MILF? Yes! She gave birth to Olive Cohen, who's father is Sacha Baron Cohen (aka Borat, Ali G and Bruno.) After the birth, I really hope Borat said that her "vageen start to hang loose like sleeve of wizard."                    

By:|February 17, 2008

Taco Belle: Topless Marisa Miller

Where You've Seen Her: The photos at the bottom are from Marisa Miller's shoot in the 2008 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. But before she was SI's girl, she was topless. Which makes her pretty much everyone's girl. Check out the photos of Marisa playing skins in a pickup basketball game and putting on some shirtless makeup. There's even a video. Thanks to NS4W.org. Tantalizing tidbit: In 2004 she appeared in the video for Puddle of Mudd's "Spin You Around." So, she will either do anything for money or she has terrible taste in music.                    

By:|February 16, 2008

Goofus And Gallant From Hell

If you went to a dentist's office when you were a kid, then you probably remember reading those really crappy "Highlights for Children" magazines which contained Goofus and Gallant cartoons.   They showed us Goofus doing something wrong, and Gallant doing it the right way.  I'm pretty sure the Goofus and Gallant above never made it into any of the final copies, although it proves my theory that Gallant was a racist.

By:|February 15, 2008

52% Love Themselves Some Nelly Furtado

The votes are in and in a close contest, 52% of Holy Taco readers would have sexual intercourse with Nelly Furtado than Christina Aguilera.  I was going to write to Christina Aguilera's publicist and see if I could get a reaction to the news, but then I remembered I didn't care. As usual, here's real reactions by actual readers. t-boner - I want Christina to 'come on over' and get 'dirrrrrty." opposite_prime - If you choose Aguilera, you might win the "One Millionth Deposit Award." crack pipe - how can you do a grammy edition WWYRD without Amy Winehouse?  Who's in charge of this thing anyway?!  What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are you running? Well crack pipe, funny you should ask.  Originally we built a robot just for the purposes of selecting the girls for WWYRD, but the the first week in charge he picked Michael J. Fox vs. an overhead map of Indonesia, so unfortunately we had to let him go because that would have been stupid.  Everyone would have chose the map of Indonesia.

By:|February 15, 2008

By:|February 14, 2008

By:|February 14, 2008

Avril Lavigne: Sexy Or Creepy?

This is a photo from a shoot Avril did for a lay out in this month's Maxim magazine.  I'm not really sure how I feel about this.  She looks really young, but she also looks really hot.  I talked it over with my penis and this was our conversation: ME:  I don't know, penis.  She looks like she could be my little sister. PENIS: Valid point.  I say, just to make sure, we masturbate. ME: That's what you said when I told you I thought I left the oven on when we went on vacation. PENIS: And it worked.  The oven wasn't on right? ME: Well, no, but I really don't think me deciding to masturbate had any bearing on whether or not the oven was on or off. PENIS: Then it's settled.  We masturbate.

By:|February 14, 2008

Friday Link Dump

  We're not the only website on the internet. I know, I'm shocked as well. So, in an effort to show you some other things we come across that we think are funny, but don't post, we've decided to do a link dump once a week. Feel free to submit your own great finds to us by e-mailing us at "contact" down at the bottom. Enjoy. --This is why you don't feed your dog food from the table. Or, this is why you feed your girlfriend's annoying dog food from the table. (Bustedcoverage) --This little girl needs a reality show. Please someone give her one.  *F-Bombs* (youtube) --Ever wonder what douche bags in other countries say to hot chicks? Wonder no further. ( Bachelor Guy) --This is what you get when you mix Sesame Street with Hitler (news.com) --Who are the best characters on television? Here they are, aside from the glaring omission of the guy who played the molester on Different Strokes. I guess he's not still on t.v., but that WAS a very special episode. (tastybooze) --You probably realized, I love stories about monkeys. I thought this was an interesting Valentine's Day read. (national geographic) Thanks to reader Jonah C. for submitting. --Hot Valentine's day chef shares her chocolate recipe. (justoneplate) And finally, a reader whose e-mail I lost so I can't properly credit, sent us an e-mail with this picture. I still maintain Winehouse looks more like opera man, but this is good too.

By:|February 14, 2008

Heidi Montag And Spencer Pratt In Stupid Love

Sometimes I wish I was incredibly stupid and good looking, because life is so much simpler for those people.  You see something shiny and you get happy and excited.  Then someone touches your penis and it feels good and you call it a day. Usmagazine.com reports: Heidi Montag spent Valentine's with beau Spencer Pratt on a yacht. "We went on a little sailing safari, which was really fun," Montag said, later adding.  "We actually crashed.  The driver of our boat crashed into three other boats.  I was so scared!  I thought we were about to sink!" First of all, if you almost crash, the trip ceases to be "really fun."  I was on a boat once that almost crashed and everybody practically shit their pants in fear except for a retarded kid who was enjoying it like he just watched his favorite team win the Super Bowl.    I bring him up only because that's exactly the reaction I imagine these two morons having while people on the other boats they collided with were screaming for their children and saying prayers. Secondly, why were they driving so recklessly when it's a f-ing lesiure cruise?  Were they fleeing Cuba?  Who the hell was driving this boat?

By:|February 14, 2008

Lionel Richie + Helium = German Talk Shows Rule

If I had a nickel every time someone asked me for a video of Lionel Richie sucking a helium balloon on a German talk show and singing a few bars of his hit love song, "Hello," I would have zero nickels. But now I have the video just in case. Courtesy of Neatorama.com

By:|February 14, 2008

Tony Yayo Will Glare At Your Children

Some thug rappers have actual street cred. For example, 50 Cent got shot and lived, Tupac and Biggie got shot and died. As you can see, getting shot is a great way to solidify your status as "gangsta". Harrassing a 14-year-old is not. According to The Baker City Herald: G-Unit rapper Tony Yayo was sentenced Thursday to 10 days of community service after pleading guilty to harassment of a recording rival's 14-year-old son. Yayo, whose real name is Marvin Bernard, admitted in Manhattan Criminal Court that on March 20, 2007, he got out of a sport utility vehicle and "glared" at James Rosemond Jr. in a way that was "meant to threaten physical violence." I would have much more respect for Yayo if he actually beat the crap out of the 14-year-old. At least then he'd have a reputation as some crazy DMX-style weirdo who would do anything at anytime. But getting arrested and slapped with community service for "glaring" at a 14-year-old makes you about as gangsta as William Hung and Hammer Pants.

By:|February 14, 2008

Taco Belle: Rosaria Cannavo

Age: I don't know. And I don't care. Where you've seen her: Um, here? Tantalizing tidbit: The only thing I know about Rosaria Cannavo is that she's Italian and she's dating some soccer player named Christian Panucci. Oh, I also know that I am moving to Italy to kill some guy named Christian Panucci so I can marry her. (Dear Italian Police: This is what we Americans call a "joke." I would never, ever go to Italy.)                      Courtesy HollywoodTuna.com

By:|February 14, 2008