Britney’s Dad Takes The Wheel
Okay, nobody freak out. Britney's going to be just fine because you guessed it, daddy is here to help. See that guy in the Corona shirt up above who looks like he's trying to find his pants? That's daddy. People.com reports: Jamie Spears (Brit's dad) won permission Thursday to maintain control of daughter Britney Spears' estate until at least March 10, and was granted additional powers over her finances. Jamie Spears and Andrew Wallet have been overseeing her well-being and her estimated $40 million fortune since Feb 1. A guy named Andrew Wallet has been helping? What the hell kind of name is that? I think that's what I named my first piggy bank. No, actually I named him Pig E. Bank. I'm not joking. My brother threw it on the ground and then looked at me and said "now it's Pig E. Broke," which doesn't even make sense but still was effective in hurting my feelings. Anyway, why do I get the feeling when I look at Britney's dad and hear he's going to have control of her $40 million dollars that I'm going to see this headline and picture in the newspaper. MAN BUILDS HOUSE OUT OF CASES OF BEER
By:|February 14, 2008
White Trash Meets The Future
Who doesn't love sporks? The stabbing power of a really shitty fork combined with the ability to hold 1/10 of an ounce of liquid? Sign me up. I was always hoping they'd come out with a spiknifork, but it never happened. At least I don't think. I feel like someone is going to write a comment with a link to one now. I should look it up but I'm too lazy. Anyway, previous to this, sporks, much like Pamela Anderson, were made of plastic and only used by white trash dudes. But now, there's a titanium spork. Check out this shit: yeah, that's right, this spork doesn't f*&k around. I wish I had had this spork in junior high. I GUARANTEE YOU Eric Murphy would have felt my wrath when he threw his cup of nacho cheese at me and called me a smelly fag. In fact, I'm going to buy one here.
By:|February 13, 2008
Aniston Vs. Jolie: Round 1…FIGHT!
This is why Brad Pitt is Brad Pitt and I'm me. He bangs two incredibly hot chicks and instead of hating him, they hate each other and still want to bang him. people.com reports: Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie are among the A-list hosts of this year's Night Before pre-Oscar Bash. The press-free charity event promises to be the first time Aniston and Jolie have met since Pitt left Aniston in 2005 and started a family with Jolie a short time later. Man, I really wish I could see a Rocky IV style training sequence where Aniston is out in the snowy woods splitting logs with an axe and punching sides of meat, while Jolie has all this high tech equipment to train with and some russian scientist is injecting her with HGH while she drinks some power shake. Here's what the two fighters had to say. While you read these quotes, imagine the words in bold being said in the middle of a wrestling ring by Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man Randy Savage: "Jen wants to go but knows it would be a disaster waiting to happen," an Aniston insider tells Us. Adding to the pressure: Jolie has said in the past she'd "welcome" a meeting with Aniston. Hell yeah, let's get this shit on! Let's take a look at the fight card:
By:|February 13, 2008
Irish Car Bombs Are Not Legal In Virgina
Screw you, Virginia. You call yourself a state? Oh sure, you have a constitution and you're a recognized commonwealth by the United States of America, but to me you're just a little bitch with little bitch laws. According to Cocktails.About.Com: There is a place in the cocktailian United States where a bartender can spend a year in jail for serving some of the most common cocktails. A 75 year-old law in Virginia makes it illegal for an establishment to sell any mixed drinks in which beer or wine is combined with distilled spirits. That eliminates a lot of drinks, including many of the popular dropped shots (ie. Boilermaker, Irish Car Bomb and Flaming Dr. Pepper). The archaic law was passed in Virginia just after the repeal of Prohibition, supposedly to discourage people from drinking overly intoxicating beverages. I thought I lived in America, not AMERIfidelCAstro. What would Thomas Jefferson, George Washington or Colt 45 think of this 75 year-old-law that says I can't enjoy the simple pleasure of dropping a shot glass full of Bailey's Irish Cream and Jameson's whiskey into a half-pint of Guinness and chugging the whole delicious mixture as fast as I possibly can? This nation may be a beacon of freedom and independence to some, but to me it's nothing more than a lie. Unless they repeal that law. Then I'll be too busy doing Bombs to give a shit.
By:|February 13, 2008
Kim Kardashian Has An Enjoyable Butt
I'm not a very religious person, but I truly believe that each one of us has a gift. For example, Stephen Hawking was given the gift of intelligence. Michael Jordan was given the gift of athletic ability. And Kim Kardashian was given the gift of a hilariously huge ass. We shouldn't take these gifts for granted. In fact, I think we should all take a moment to celebrate our differences and reflect on our own special gifts...by looking at photos of Kim's great big round ass. From Popoholic.
By:|February 13, 2008
Nasty Odor Causes Erection Loss, Stabbing
I think I'm going to let this little news item speak for itself. According to the TheTownTalk.com: Man cut by woman after refusing to have sex with her because of smell after she took her clothes off An Alexandria man got cut on the arm by a woman after he changed his mind about having sex with her because of the smell after she took her clothes off, police reported. The victim told Alexandria police said he was headed to work Sunday morning and stopped to talk to the woman, who offered to have sex with him for $20, the report states. The victim said he followed her behind a building, but when she took her clothes off, the smell was so bad he told her that he changed his mind, the report states. The victim said she then demanded $10, but he refused, the report states. He offered to buy her a beer and cigarettes, but on the way to a store, she pulled out a box cutter, cut his forearm and then ran off. Happy Valentine's Day.
By:|February 13, 2008
Taco Belle: Elisha Cuthbert
Age: 25 Where you've seen her: Elisha Cuthbert played the only porn star you never get to see have sex in 2004's The Girl Next Door. Now she's known as Jack Bauer's daughter on 24. You know how you know that? Because JACK BAUER YELLS EVERYTHING HE SAYS. INCLUDING STUFF ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER. Tantalizing tidbit: When she was seven she appeared on the Canadian children's show called "Popular Mechanics For Kids." Which, oddly enough, wasn't that popular. (Have you heard of it?)
By:|February 13, 2008
Kimbo Slice Fights A Dirty Apartment
What Would Kimbo Do? - Watch more free videos We all get annoyed with our roommates. But unfortunately, not all of us are 6'2", 240 pound mixed martial artists. The next series like this I'd like to see is "What Would Kimbo Wear?" Which would be a show on Bravo where budding fashion designers try to please Kimbo with outfits they've created.
By:|February 13, 2008
How Stupid Is This Reporter?
At this point, is there really anyone who's not sure what the f*&k happens to you when you get tasered? I love how every news crew has the one guy who "tests out" all the wacky ass/dangerous shit that comes through the news room for the color piece they want to run right before sports. How does the process work for doing these stories? Here's how I envision these pieces coming about: NEWS PRODUCER #1: Hey, it looks like that piece we have on soldiers coming home isn't going to be ready by six. We need to fill four minutes. NEWS PRODUCER #2: Hmmm. Well, I saw this new product that cuts a hole in your nut sack and then cleans your actual testicles. We could get Bob to try it out on camera.
By:|February 12, 2008
Give-A-Wednesday: Win Twisted Metal Head On: Extra Twisted Edition
Write a caption for the above photo and you can win a copy of Twisted Metal Head On: Extra Twisted Edition, the game that lets you smash up cars like Billy Joel on a bender. Winners will be notified via email from HolyTaco.com. Leave your captions in the comments section. See last week's winners after the jump.
By:|February 12, 2008
You Forgot Valentine’s Day, Didn’t You?
OK, so you totally forgot it was Valentine's Day tomorrow and you haven't gotten him or her anything (except herpes, which he or she will "receive" in a year.) Instead of freaking out, running over to the Hallmark store and buying a crappy card and a stupid bear, go to callmecasanova.com. Choose from assorted gift options like Zales jewelry, balloons or flowers, which they will ship directly to your recipient with a pre-written love poem that won't try to rhyme the word "Nantucket." In addition, you can include all your special someone's special dates so thoughtful gifts will be automatically shot off to them on birthdays, anniversaries and hump days.
By:|February 12, 2008
The Evolution of the Big Mac
A few months ago, Japan's McDonald's started offering something called a Mega Mac, which is a Big Mac with 4 all-beef patties instead of America's crappy little two. This new menu item prompted some guy named Takeshi Fukuda to wonder how far this new trend in Big Macs would go.
By:|February 12, 2008
Taco Belle: Keeley Hazell
Keeley Hazell is the English version of...enormous boobs. Apparently this London photo shoot is for some new men's body spray. Which might explain why there are three googly-eyed statues standing behind her. Or it might not explain anything and leave you wondering why the hell there are three googly-eyed statues standing behind her with they're hands raised like they are going to come to life and stab her. Way to go, English people. First you screwed up the empire and now you've screwed up your own version of enormous boobs. Now I see why we started our own country.
By:|February 12, 2008
Paris Hilton’s Brother Gets DUI
In an effort to become the answer to a trivial pursuit entertainment question, Paris Hilton's brother Barron Hilton (yes that's his real name, no he wasn't wearing an ascot and a smoking jacket) got a DUI last night. People.com, please tell us more!: Barron Hilton was arrested Tuesday morning on charges of driving under the influence and carrying a fake driver's license, authorities confirm. His blood-alcohol level was .14 percent. the California legal limit for a person over 21 is .08 percent, but for a person under 21 (he's 18), any blood-alcohol level is considered legally drunk. The DUI charge is a misdemeanor, the more serious charge is carrying a fake license, a felony. Barron was booked at the Lost Hills Sheriff's station and held on $20,000 bail. His Mercedes was impounded. First of all, 20,000 dollars bail for a Hilton? He might be able to find that much in his couch. Secondly, I actually kind of feel for the kid and I'll tell you why: I'm just joking, I don't feel for him! HAHAHAHA (sigh) HAHAHAH. He's a doooooouche. In fact, getting a DUI when you're 18 and while driving a Mercedes is the dictionary definition of douche bag. Seriously, I'm not just saying that. Take a look.
By:|February 11, 2008
India Has A VERY Special Olympics
Alright, I can roll with the first few competitions I saw on here, like the pulling stuff with your teeth, and the sledge hammer on the dude's chest. Those at least have concepts I can grasp. But someone please explain to me, what the hell was going on in that event at the end, where the one guy sitting down had a rod going into his crotch being pushed on at the other end by another dude who was only using his chest? How do you score points in that event? Or is it like figure skating, where it's all about style and power? If so, is there a tough Russian judge who always gives people a 2.75? I need answers people, and I'm lazy. Someone look this up for me.
By:|February 11, 2008
Nicholas Cage Does NOT Steal Chihuahuas
You can call Nicholas Cage a lot of things, but don't you DARE call him a Chihuahua thief or you're entering a world of pain. People.com reports: On Friday, Nic Cage's attorney began libel proceedings against Kathleen Turner at London's High Court. Cage, 44, is suing Turner, his former Peggy Sue Got Married co-star, 53, for writing in her new autobiography: "He caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He'd come across a chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket." If that's true, that is amazing. Like, what kind of perception of reality do you have to have to just see someone else's dog and be like "Yeah. I'll take that." Also, if he did do that, there's no way he just did that once. Stealing chihuahua's I imagine is more addictive than heroin. And the only reason I could see for stealing multiple chihuahuas would be this: Before I receive angry e-mails from PETA members, everybody just relax. There's no such thing as a Chihuahua bazooka. I know, I spent most of my teenage years trying to build one unsuccessfully.
By:|February 11, 2008
World’s Smallest BodyBuilder Adorably Terrifying
From now on, whenever I'm sad, I'm going to pull up these photos. This may be the greatest thing I have ever seen. According to the Daily Mail: At just 2ft 9in, Indian muscleman Aditya 'Romeo' Dev is the world's smallest bodybuilder. Pint-sized Romeo is well-known in his hometown of Phagwara, India - for his ability to lift 1.5kg dumbbells - despite his overall 9kg body weight. Romeo said: "I've been training as a bodybuilder for the last two years and by now I think I must be the strongest dwarf in the world.
By:|February 11, 2008
Mississippi To Fatties: No More Food For You
After being named "America's Fattest State" for the second year in a row, it seems like the great big tubbies in Mississippi decided to get up off their fat asses, waddle over to their local congressman and attempt to do something about their disgusting fupas. Instead of maybe, say, exercising or showing one ounce of will power, they would rather pass a law that would make it illegal for restaurants to serve them the gooey, delicious lard they so wantonly crave. According to Junk Food Blog: Some legislators in Mississippi have introduced a bill that will make it illegal for restaurants to serve fat people. HB 282 will revoke the health department license of any restaurant, fast-food or otherwise, if it serves food to anyone who meets the department's criteria as being, "obese". As the bill states... Any food establishment to which this section applies shall not be allowed to serve food to any person who is obese, based on criteria prescribed by the State Department of Health after consultation with the Mississippi Council on Obesity Prevention and Management established under Section 41-101-1 or its successor. The bill will require the State Department of Health to distribute materials to restaurants that will define what an obese person is. Now that's a seminar I would thoroughly enjoy teaching. "Listen up class. See the cottage cheese around these thighs? This is a fat person. See the rolls of cellulite hanging over the belt buckle? This is also a fat person. See this photo of Ike Turner? Well, that was a tricky one. He's not fat, he's just dead." While this will be good for Mississippi, it may mean we have fewer fat people videos. Which would be a tragedy.
By:|February 11, 2008
Mr. Skin is Free For 12 Hours Today
MrSkin.com, the website that celebrates the naked parts of movies, is celebrating their brand spanking new redesign by giving you 2 hours of free Skin time. Go here between the hours of 12pm and 12am Central time and you can sign up for a user name and password that will give you 2 hours of free skin surfing. I'm no Nostradamus, but if you sign up for this free trial I'm pretty sure you'll masturbate.
By:|February 11, 2008
Stephen Hawking Is PISSED At Anonymous
In case you haven't seen it, there's a group called "Anonymous" that has made several videos threatening the church of scientology. Check one out here. Recently, Stephen Hawking saw these videos and was more than just a bit upset. Now, he's made his own video response. Check it out below: Stephen Hawking Answers Anonymous - Watch more free videos In case you had trouble hearing, here's the transcript: This is a message to Anonymous from Stephen Hawking. Hey, tough guy, where do you get off stealing my voice? You talk big smack to scientology but what will you do when I rain down my wheels of fury upon your candy ass? This is my voice. Not yours. Mine. You hear me you son of a bitch? I was telling the world about cosmic worm holes while you were still a load in your father's nut sack. Do you know how many e-mails I have gotten from people asking why I hate Tom Cruise? Do you know how long it takes to respond to an e-mail when you can not move your hands? Unlike Scientology, I do not have a litigious nature. If you fuck with me, I will come to your house and rape your dog in front of you. I will sew your asshole shut and keep feeding you and feeding you and feeding you. That is right. I am a crazy motherfucker. Just try me, bitch. Hawking out.
By:|February 11, 2008
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