Holy Taco

Eva Mendes Loves To Do Drugs

They tried to make Eva Mendes go to rehab and she said, "No no..." oh wait. She said "yes yes yes." According to DailyStab.com: Eva Mendes has entered rehab for substance abuse.  She is at the famous Cirque Lodge, near Sundance where Lindsay Lohan stayed. And she's been there for several weeks already, WOW!  We wish her the best.  Her rep says: "Eva has been working hard for the past year and made a positive decision to take some much-needed time off to proactively attend to some personal issues that, while not critical, she felt deserved some outside professional support. Out of respect for Eva's privacy, we do not wish to discuss further details. To me, "proactively attending to some personal issues" usually means drinking straight from the Heineken Mini Keg in my fridge. But if she'd prefer to go to a spa instead of waking up on the floor of her tiny apartment wearing one pant leg and half a condom, then good for her.

By:|January 31, 2008

Orson Welles Drank His Face Off

Getting drunk is one thing. But getting totally wasted right before you film a TV commercial is what separates the part-time drinkers from the life-destroying booze-aholics. Raise a toast to Orson this weekend...or the next time you have to film a commercial.

By:|January 31, 2008

Hipsters Do Stupid Things

I really tried to think this was cool and interesting. I really did. But I couldn't help but feel that if I was in Grand Central station when this was going on, I would have stood in the middle of them and yelled "HEY! Some guy is outside giving away bottles of a medium bodied sangiovese, along with pamphlets about various trade embargos that have lots of information you could recite to sound smart at parties!," and watched them drop the act and scurry like rats outside. In closing, I don't like hipsters.

By:|January 31, 2008

Tony Soprano Gets Punchy With Fan

The guy who plays Tony Soprano had a little bit of an altercation with an overzealous fan at JFK airport yesterday. Here's how I imagine it went down:  Fan: Hey Tony! It's Tony Soprano! Hey! Check it out! I love your show! I watch it all the time, man. I like it when you "wack" those guys. Man, that show is awesome! So what happened at the end? Did you "wack" some guy or did you get wacked? My TV just stopped showin' stuff and it went all black. I didn't even see it, man. Hey, I like that hat. Where'd you get that hat? Can I see it? Guy Who Played Tony Soprano: OK, just stand here and look straight ahead. Don't listen to this guy. Just stand still and think about your beard. Sticks and stones can...awww screw it. I'm going to smash his face in. Fan: Hey what are you doing! Are you "wacking" me? Hey, check it out! I'm getting "wacked" by Tony Soprano! Yes!

By:|January 31, 2008

ESPN’s Chris Berman Swears When He’s Angry

Chris Berman Loses His Cool - Watch more free videos I enjoyed this video of an irate Chris Berman so much that I transcribed it. Somehow it makes it funnier to read along. According to ESPN's Chris Berman: "When I'm doin' TV and I got 18...godammit! Can't everybody stop for 10 minutes? I mean everybody seems that that's the only...everybody can we st...Jesus Christ! I mean it's not that much to ask. Is that when everybody has to move when I'm trying to concentrate? Jesus! I mean that's so rude I can't believe that that, that's so goddamn rude! Why does everyone all of a sudden have to move? You got two f***in' hours to move around. Wait ten minutes. Jesus! I'm sorry to explode like that but that...it's like no one's worked on TV here before? Jesus! Sunk in under the...What the f*** do they think they're doin'? I really...I actually can't believe what I just saw. It's like no one here has worked on TV before. I hear a dial tone. There was seven people, I mean Jesus! We need to use this studio for 15 f***in' minutes, just everybody ya know."

By:|January 31, 2008

Taco Belle: Denise Milani

Age: 27 Where you've seen her: Please don't ask me any questions about Denise Milani. Too busy looking at photos. Tantalizing tidbit: I don't know. I gave you her age, what more do you want? You want to know that she's a Czech model with 32DDDs? Then look it up yourself. I told you I was busy. Just leave me alone.                     Courtesy of pickmeupnews.com

By:|January 31, 2008

Wipe Out Of Nerdy Proportions

Jm Sicotte crashed on a dirtsurfer - Watch more free videos First of all, I have no idea what these things are that they're riding. If I'm gonna wipe out riding something, it's gonna be something cool like a Harley or Jessica Alba. I feel like this design came to some nerd in his dreams, and he woke up sweaty and excitedly drew a sketch of it, then masturbated to the blond chick from Battlestar Galactica to calm himself down.

By:|January 31, 2008

Osama Bin Laden Lives In Colombia

Wow. This takes balls. My favorite part is that he thinks that as a security guard, if he dresses like Osama Bin Laden, instead of people being like "Holy Shit, that's Osama Bin Laden!," people will be like "Whoa, that's Osama Bin Laden. We better not shoplift."

By:|January 30, 2008

Britney Spears Back To The Crazy House

Every time Britney Spears tries to leave the hospital, THEY PULL HER BACK IN! Actually, she went willingly, I just wanted to make a Godfather III reference. Yesterday she admitted herself to Cedars-Sinai medical center for being crazy or drunk, or whatever was on the checklist when she walked in. People.com reports: The pop star went willingly, and she's "More comfortable" receiving medical care. "She'll be in there for at least 72 hours getting evaluated. She might even stay longer," says the source. "She's more comfortable this time, she came into the waiting area, had a cigarette, made a joke about being there again. She made a joke? I wonder what it was. I hope it was a "Yo Mamma" joke. I love those. Maybe, "Yo Mamma's such a bad parent, her daughters have severe emotional instability and self-esteem problems that cause them to act out by doing narcotics and having intercourse with random men." Anyway, I snuck into the hospital, but I only had enough time to snap a pic of the food tray they brought her. Oh my God! Jon Benet! What a terrible ending to her saga. [Editor's note] If making a fake gravestone for Amy Winehouse didn't assure me a spot in hell, I'm pretty sure insinuating Britney Spears devoured Jon Benet Ramsey's severed head probably will.

By:|January 30, 2008

NFL Teams Make Terrible Rap Songs

Do you often mistake Jerry Rice for Jay-Z? Jim McMahon for Method Man? No, you don't. That's because in the 80s a few NFL teams thought it would be a good idea to make rap songs with repetitive lyrics, cheesy special effects and embarrassing dance moves. Here are six of them. Miami Dolphins - Can't Touch Us - Watch more free videos 6. Miami Dolphins - Can't Touch Us This video features such timeless classics as Zubaz pants, MC Hammer and a keytar. The only thing missing is ALF and Mr. T playing with a Rubix Cube. [Editor's Note: Please be sure to note the late, great Reggie Roby (#4). He's the Jackie Robinson of punting.] San Francisco 49ers Rap Song - Watch more free videos 5. SF 49ers - We're The 49ers Apparently Jerry Rice borrows his rapping skills from Stephen Hawking and his sweaters from Bill Cosby.

By:|January 30, 2008

Hillary Clinton Is A Scientologist

Hillary Clinton and Tom Cruise on the Campaign Tra - Watch more free videos Who wouldn't vote for a Clinton/Cruise ticket this November?

By:|January 30, 2008

Taco Belle: Karolina Kurkova

Age: 23 Where you've seen her: Karolina Kurkova has been a Victoria's Secret Angel, appeared in numerous magazines and starred in a movie called "My Sexiest Year" with wuvvable wittle Frankie Muniz. I don't care if Karolina is in this movie. If it shows Frankie gettin' it on, it's coming off my Netflix queue. Tantalizing tidbit: Her father is Josef Kurka, a Czech basketball player. Whether or not Karolina can pull off a two handed jam remains to be seen. (I told you I wasn't going to watch "My Sexiest Year.") She once said: "Mother Nature made me the way I am, and I should be happy."               

By:|January 30, 2008

How To Work Out Your Groin Muscle

costco joyride - Watch more free videos This is the iJoy Ride exercise machine. Sometimes I think at these companies that make exercise machines, there's a hundred designers, 99 of which are totally serious and dedicated to making good workout equipment. But then there's one guy who smokes pot on his lunch break and eats abba zabbas and all he does all day is try to think of different ways he can make people look like they're having sex when they work out. Then when the bosses okay his design for the machine, he giggles uncontrollably to himself and and says under his breath "awesome."

By:|January 30, 2008

By:|January 29, 2008

Indiana Jones Likes Bazookas

photo courtesy of empireonline.com  This is a production still from the upcoming "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull."  Here's to ruining a great franchise!  Here's a poster from the Crystal Skull back when it was under it's working title: I'm a huge Indiana Jones fan, but seeing Shia LeBeouf in an Indiana Jones movie  is like eating an amazing steak while someone takes a crap on my chest.  Still, I'll be there opening night with the rest of the virgins.

By:|January 29, 2008

Give-A-Wednesday: Criss Angel Mindfreak Season 3

Write a caption for the above photo and you can win a copy of Criss Angel's Mindfreak - Season 3. If you don't know Criss Angel, he's the illusionist who can make himself levitate and manage to hook up with Pam Anderson (still his best trick by far.) Just leave your caption in the comments section. Winners will be notified via email from HolyTaco.   See last week's winner after the jump.

By:|January 29, 2008

Angelina Jolie’s Stomach: “There’s a Baby In Me.”

The rumor that has all of Hollywood talking, has been confirmed:  Michael Bay is a douchebag.  Also the other rumor that Angelina Jolie is pregnant, that's been confirmed too. Amid rumors that Angelina Jolie, 32, is expecting twins, a close source confirms to Us Weekly that the actress is indeed pregnant. So many celebrities are having babies cause it's the cool thing to do right now.  But let me tell you, babies grow up and they get bigger and not as cute, and turn into this: Then what do you do huh?  Flush them down a toilet?  No way, they'll just live in the sewer and become 3 times their normal size.  All I'm saying is be more careful, celebrities.  I can't have Rumer Willis biting my foot off when I walk past a storm drain.

By:|January 29, 2008

All The Best Cheeseburgers Come In A Can

When you think about it, cans bring us some of our favorite things in the world. Beer, dolphin-flecked tuna fish and now...cheeseburgers. See that photo? See how delicious that cheeseburger from a can looks? Don't worry about the fact the somehow the cheeseburger is actually bigger than the can and there's no possible way this cheeseburger will look anything like the one in the picture. Just rub your belly while you drool like an idiot, assume it will be delicious and buy it here. (It's what I did.)

By:|January 29, 2008

You Don’t Win Friends With Rat Salad

Most of the time I like to celebrate the little cultural differences that span the globe. I like that we aren't all one homogenous race of people all sharing the same likes and dislikes. This is not one of those times. Apparently people in a small Taiwanese village devour rats like potato chips. According to dzrbenson.com: Both Restaurants in a Taiwan village display hairless rat carcasses in their kitchen windows before chopping off the heads and throwing the pint-sized bodies and tails into pots. Both restaurants are full at meal times as the rat race for gnawing customers reaches fever pitch. "Most people who come in here at first have a psychological barrier, but once they take a bite, they don't mind. The rats grow up on crops from fields surrounding the village of Lucao in Chiayi county - which means they are not dirty rats from sewers. Oooooh, they're not from sewers? Well thank God. Let's fire a couple dozen up for the Super Bowl party. On a personal note, I actually ate guinea pig a few years ago at a Peruvian restaurant. It was basically on a dare from my friends (after I dared myself to drink 11 Coronas.) It was served to me whole while splayed out on a bed of potatoes and minor wisps of whiskers still poked out from it's smiling cheek. As I dug my fork into its tiny, nearly-meatless haunch I took a bite of what tasted like wet dog hair. I politely smiled at my waiter, put my fork down and forced myself to swallow the only bite of guinea pig I will ever put in my mouth. I'm no zoologist, but I'm pretty sure guinea pig = rat in the flavor spectrum.

By:|January 29, 2008

Taco Belle: Emanuela de Paula

Age: 18 Where you've seen her: Emanuela de Paula has done a few modeling things for magazines your girlfriend reads, but she is the newest Victoria's Secret girl. So if you subscribe to the Victoria's Secret magazine like I do (fine, it's a catalog. Whatever.) then you'll be "reading" a lot more about her in the near future. Tantalizing tidbit: Like all mind-blowingly hot models, she's Brazilian. And while she may be the hottest women you have ever seen. She is still only the 3,560th hottest girl in Brazil. Which makes me wonder: Why do I live here?                      Courtesy of goldenfiddle.com.

By:|January 29, 2008