Holy Taco

Sarah Michelle Gellar, Get Naked!

Here is yet ANOTHER picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar almost naked. This is from a Vaseline ad campaign/contest called "Mystery Celebrity" where you try and guess who the naked celebrity is. This is like the one millionth time I've seen the headline "Sarah Michelle Gellar Naked/Topless" only to click on it and find out she's covering all the parts that make you naked. It'd be like renting Gangs of New York and every time Daniel Day-Lewis is about to come on, they cut to a scene of Leonardo Dicaprio talking to Cameron Diaz in that weird accent. Check out this "topless" photo spread Gellar did for Maxim. That's weird, she's "topless" but I can't see her "boobs." Why am I putting stuff in "quotes?" Anyway, I say we band together to not click on any headlines that say SMG is naked ever again. But, wait, what if she is? Okay, we designate ONE of us to do it, then that person tells the rest of us if she is. For now, I'll be that guy, but let's try and find somebody more qualified/less lazy. Please leave your resume in the comments section.

By:|January 21, 2008

Liberia’s General Butt Naked Likes His Nude Killings

 We seem to have a lot of problems with our army. Our troops don't have enough armor, there's questions about their effectiveness, and some people think we should focus more on Afghanistan than Iraq. I can tell you one other huge problem we have with our military: We don't have any officers named General Butt Naked. Liberia's "army," on the other hand, is apparently doing a lot of things right. Is it because they have a guy named General Butt Naked? Perhaps. When was the last time you heard the Liberian army complain about insurgents or missing Humvee parts. According to the Daily Telegraph: A former warlord known as General Butt Naked has confessed to Liberia's post-conflict reconciliation commission that his men killed 20,000 people during the country's civil war. The feared rebel commander earned his nom de guerre for charging into battle dressed only in his boots, at the head of a gang of fighters known as the Butt Naked Battalion. The nude gunmen became known for terrorising villagers and sacrificing children whose hearts they would eat before going into battle during Liberia's 14-year on-off civil war which ended in 2003. I am way too scared to sign up for the US Army, but I would give my left testical to tell my friends I was part of the Butt Naked Batallion...although they'd probably figure it out when they saw me sitting on my couch completely naked and gnawing on some kid's heart. 

By:|January 20, 2008

Eddie Murphy Knows The Future!

This is really creepy. Eddie Murphy is like Nostradamus -- if Nostradamus made shitty movies and was really into transsexuals. Who knows what other predictions his past movies hold. I'll have to watch them all to find out. Except The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Maybe I'll find an intern to watch that one.

By:|January 20, 2008

Britney Spears Turns To Dancing

So, we've refrained a bit from posting non-stop Britney stories mostly because their headlines are as stupid as this one.  But something about this story struck me as retarded. With pup London in hand, Britney Spears headed to the millennium Dance Complex in North Hollywood on Sunday night to work on a new routine, owner Robert Baker tells PEOPLE. "She's working on the choreography for her song "Hot as Ice," Baker said. "Hot as Ice?"  But ice isn't hot.  In fact, it's really cold.  Wait, maybe that's what she's trying to say, that some things are sooo cold, that they're hot.  Like dry ice.  Or maybe things that are hot at first turn cold?  Dude, I don't even know, my head is going to explode just thinking about this.  This is some next level stuff right here.  So, already I'm blown away reading that, and then I read this: "She rehearsed an amazing routine with a chair," Baker added. That's right, not a really good routine, or an exceptional routine, but an amazing routine.  Think about that people.  When you see a man lift up a car to pull out the person pinned inside, you say, "That was amazing."  That's how good this chair routine was:  "dude lifting ten times his body weight to rescue someone" amazing.  Which means, there's only one routine it could have been:  Britney ate the chair.

By:|January 20, 2008

Road Rage + Teenagers + SUV = Trouble

Road Rage Hit And Run - Watch more free videos Alright, so the real question is, what was the conversation that took place between the driver and those dudes that caused him to flip out and run over one of them? Here's what I think was said: DRIVER: Hey, sorry to bother you, do you know where the movie theater is? We're late to a showing of The Bucket List. DUDE ON STREET: Yeah, it's two blocks down. Great movie by the way. The part where Jack Nicholson dies, but realizes that his time spent with Morgan Freeman taught him about what's important in life was awesome. DRIVER: What the-?! I just said we were going to see it right now and you give away the ending?! DUDE ON STREET: Oh my God. I'm so sorry. Don't worry, there's another part that's a TOTAL surprise that I didn't ruin. (Friends come walking up) FRIEND: Oh my God, I just saw The Bucket List. When Morgan Freeman dies but realizes that his time spent with Jack Nicholson taught him about what's important in life was so awesome. DRIVER: You...son of a bitch.

By:|January 20, 2008

Fergie Still Doesn’t Understand Pants

Pants can be a very difficult thing to deal with. You have to get them over BOTH of your legs. You have to snap, or possibly even button, the top. And there's always the whole zipper thing to deal with. It's quite a complicated process if you think about it. Fergie almost pulled off the pants trifecta, but she forgot the zipper while performing in New Zealand yesterday. But pants have always been a difficult struggle for the whitest black eyed pea. A couple years ago, she forgot that you were supposed to take your pants off before taking an enormous piss. Who could forget this wonderful photo. It's so sad to see someone struggle with the same piece of clothing that my 2 year old nephew has mastered. More photos of her zipper slip after the jump.

By:|January 20, 2008

Reporter Picks Bad Time For Getting The Giggles

I mean, people dying in a fiery crash is pretty funny. But is it this funny?

By:|January 20, 2008

MILF Monday: Bridget Moynahan

Age: 36 Where you've seen her: Bridget Moynahan was in Coyote Ugly, Lord of War and I, Robot. She's also been on the arm of America's most beautiful quarterback, Tom Brady. Is she really a MILF? Hells yeah. Three months after Tom ditched Bridget for super duper model Gisele Bundchen, Bridget announced to the world that Tom's penis had completed a sperm pass to one of her eggs. Then she had little John Edward Thomas Moynahan late last year.                 

By:|January 20, 2008

Graffiti Artists Enjoy A Good Slave Joke

There are few things I enjoy more than a nice, well thought-out piece of political graffiti. Hell, I still laugh when I see people's teeth blacked out on billboards. Does Chipotle use slaves to pick their tomatoes? I have no idea, but I'm going to say they do with confidence the next time I'm at a dinner party or hanging out with my friends. Yes, I believe everything I read. And so should you. Because 83% of all blog posts can cure cancer.

By:|January 19, 2008

Colin Farrell Likes The F-Bomb

live on airby krs601 Seriously, when are people going to stop interviewing Colin Farrell on live t.v. and getting surprised when he drops an F-Bomb? This makes me really like Colin Farrell because he either says "fuck" so much that he can't even go through a one minute interview without saying fuck even though a producer undoubtedly told him beforehand "please don't say fuck," OR he knows he's not supposed to say it and realizes how stupid these interviews are and just thinks to himself, "I'm gonna say fuck, then I'm going to bang that reporter."

By:|January 18, 2008

72% Of You Want To Do Chelsea Clinton

That's right, Holy Taco readers have cast their vote, and it's definitive: Chelsea Clinton is more doable than her mom. Now, I caught a lot of shit this week from people saying that the "Who Would You Rather Do," was gross, but in real life, aren't we sometimes faced with two unpleasant options? Don't we still have to make a choice? The answer to both questions is yes. As usual, here's REAL reactions from ACTUAL Holy Taco readers: Kipp T. - Can I choose Bill instead? Biggie Su - This is disgusting...people are saying with the addition of Bill's sperm you get a more desirable Hillary? Eric V. - As much as I'd want Hillary (for the story) I'd have to agree that Chelsea would be a better lay. Hillary would be all business, she probably wouldn't even want to cuddle afterwards.

By:|January 18, 2008

By:|January 17, 2008

By:|January 17, 2008

Cloverfield Monster Revealed!

Okay, ya got me! This isn't the real Cloverfield monster. But at this point, with this much buildup, there's no way I'm NOT going to be disappointed. I feel like I did right before I lost my virginity, except I don't have diarrhea from that bottle of peppermint Schnapps I mixed with half and half and drank out of a 7-11 big gulp cup. And if you're reading, J.J. Abrams? Between this and Lost, you've become a ginormous cock tease. If this one doesn't pay off, and I pass you on the street, I'm definitely going to say some shit under my breath. And if you ask me what I said, I'm gonna say, "I didn't say anything, I'm sorry if I bothered you." That's right--I'm a pussy.

By:|January 17, 2008

Star Trek Trailer Is Out

The only reason I posted this grainy ass Star Trek Teaser trailer is because it serves a more important purpose: A nerd test. Based on your reaction to watching this low-quality youtube embed, you can find out just how much of a nerd you are. Here's how it breaks down. You: Are Not A Nerd: You watched about twenty seconds of it, realized it was super low quality, then turned it off. Are A Low Level Nerd: You watched the whole thing, and when the voice over said "Space. The final frontier," you had a tingly feeling in your stomach, similar to the one you feel when you watch the preview of what's going to happen on the next "Lost." Wear A Headset When You Play Role Playing Video Games Level Nerd: You watched the whole thing, got excited at the voice over, then looked online for a better version of the trailer. When you couldn't find one, you tried to find information about what movie that trailer was going to play before. Masturbate to Comic Books Level Nerd: Watched the whole thing, excited at the voice over, but then instead of searching for a higher resolution version, you called a friend who you KNEW would know whether or not there was one. Have Never Seen A Vagina And Can't Foresee A Scenario In Which You Would Level Nerd: You received a call from a friend asking you whether or not there was a higher resolution version of this trailer.

By:|January 17, 2008

Philip Rivers Doesn’t Like Poontang

Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers wants the children of the world to keep their peepees and their poontangs in their pants. Because, according to him, chastity is a "lost art." Uhh, sure Phil. Getting kids to abstain from sex is like trying to make a monkey fuck a football. It's a nice thought, but I've never seen it happen. The only kids who go to these chastity conferences are usually 14-year-old moms or little boys who are trying to pray themselves straight. Oh, and mega nerds like Philip Rivers.

By:|January 17, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Sees Dead People

According to an article in people.com today, Lindsay Lohan's going to the morgue! After fulfilling several requirements set by her DUI plea agreement - including rehab, community service and 84 minutes spent in jail - Lohan will next have to spend some time in a morgue, in an effort to illustrate the potentially fatal consequences of drinking and driving. Here's what's going to happen: She's going to tell her lawyer, "Pfft, They're not gonna make me go to no morgue." Then, at night, while she's sleeping, she'll be awoken by three ghosts. The first two will show her her past, i.e. scenes of her doing cocaine off dudes weiners and putting said weiners in her mouth. These images will slightly affect her, but not really. But then, the third ghost will take her to the morgue and show her an unnamed body bag, and when she pulls it back... She'll wake up screaming and it'll be morning. She'll run to her window, lean out, and yell to a nearby boy below: LINDSAY: You there, what day is this?! BOY: January 19th. LINDSAY: Christmas Day?! Here's a shilling, buy me the biggest goose you can find! (tosses something down to the boy) BOY: (looking at it) Ew, gross, this is a used condom, you're f*&king sick! And... scene.

By:|January 17, 2008

What Would Rambo Do? Kill You.

The new Rambo movie, Rambo IV - The Curse of Rocky Balboa, looks like it's an hour and a half of glorious shootings, stabbings and other various killings at close range. You should show your support for Rambo by wearing this "What Would Rambo Do?" shirt to the theater. Because the question on this shirt only has a few answers. They are: 1. Marry Bridgette Nielsen. 2. Talk like a complete retard. 3. Kill everyone in Vietnam, Afghanistan and Burma. God I can't wait to see this movie. The T-shirt is available at 80stees.com.

By:|January 17, 2008

Russian Dog Jealous Of Jessica Alba. Has Baby.

As a longtime fan of The Weekly World News, I was pleasantly surprised to see this story about a Russian dog who gave birth to some human-ish mutant creature. Well, it's not really a story because there are no words, it's just a series of pictures on a Russian website called Pravda.com. Now, before we all go crazy and accuse Mickey Rourke of going to Moscow and impregnating a dog, I think it should be pointed out that a few of the other "articles" on this website are: "Aliens Caught On Tape For The First Time," "Teenager Invents Air Powered Car," and "Toyota To Launch Plug-In Hybrid by 2010."

By:|January 17, 2008

The North American Field Guide To Lingerie

Thanks to The Bachelor Guy for putting together a comprehensive list of ladies undergarments. No, I didn't know the difference between a corset and a bustier, but now I do. If you, like me, feel that it is your duty to learn as much as you can about the world of lace and cleavage and thigh straps, now's your chance. And luckily, you have the option of reading or just looking at the pretty pictures. Click here to see more.

By:|January 17, 2008