Bad News For Nicole Richie’s Baby
According to starmagazine.com, Joel Madden apparently must think he and wife Nicole Richie's baby looks like a salamander. "She looks so much like her mom it's crazy!," says Madden. He goes on to say: "She eats like a little maniac and she's really sweet." Let me show you what was going on inside Joel Madden's brain right before he said that: JOEL MADDEN'S BRAIN: Okay, let's see here. People think Nicole is anorexic and a total bitch..., soooo whatever I say about the baby needs to be the opposite of that. Alright, let's do this in 3...2...1... JOEL MADDEN'S MOUTH: She eats like a little maniac and she's really sweet! JOEL MADDEN'S BRAIN: We nailed that one. What do you think penis? JOEL MADDEN'S PENIS: I like a nice firm man's ass. (crickets chirping)
By:|January 14, 2008
UPDATE: Australian Spicoli Now A Hero
Funny Kid Isnt Sorry About Huge Party - Watch more free videos When I first heard about this Australian kid who had a party and trashed his parents house while they were away, I thought he was kind of a spoiled little dick. But I've changed my tune on Corey Worthington after seeing this interview with an Australian reporter. Screw Barack and Hillary, I'm voting Worthington in this year's election.
By:|January 14, 2008
8 Websites That Jumped The Shark
Because sometimes you just have to call shenanigans. 8. AINTITCOOLNEWS.COM It started out as a cool website where you could find unbiased reviews and information on upcoming movies and television. Now it's owner and operator, Harry Knowles, (who looks like what would happen if an Orange Julius and a pile of tires had a baby) is so bought and sold by the studios that when he reviewed the movie Daredevil, he said this: "Not since Christopher Reeve nailed SUPERMAN has an actor so beautifully capture the image, soul and charisma of a character drawn from the pages of comic books." Really? I've taken shits that have more charisma than Ben Affleck in that movie. Every other critic HATED it, yet Harry gushed on for 3000 words. If you don't believe he's sold out, check out this screen shot from his review section of the site we took yesterday. Every review is positive. Don't be fooled by "The Mist" headline--it's actually Harry verbally fellating it. 7. PEREZHILTON.COM I know, I know, how does a site that scribbles little droplets of semen coming from Britney Spears' mouth, jump the shark? By doing stuff other than that--that's how. Suddenly, Perez Hilton thinks people give a flying fuck about things he has to say other than celeb gossip, and he's started commenting on politics and music. Right. The only thing we want him to comment on is why he won't shut the hell up. Here's a rule: If your site shows a close up picture of Lindsay Lohan's vagina, you're not allowed to comment on Hillary Clinton's stance on health care reform.
By:|January 14, 2008
The Pan Flute Hall of Fame Exists
I am the first to admit that I don't know shit about the Pan Flute. I don't own a pan flute, or any albums where a pan flute is being flauted. Hell, I don't even own a skin flute. But, I do know that you can't have a goddamn Pan Flute Hall of Fame and not include Pan, the baddest ass flautist to ever flaut a Pan Flute. I mean, they named the freakin' flute after him. It's not called the Zamfir Flute. It's called the Pan Flute because Pan made it his own with all his kickass flauting. So, it's all the more tragic to leave him out of the hallowed Hall. That's like leaving Les Paul out of the Guitarist Hall of Fame or Tina Yothers out of the Tina Yothers Hall of Fame (that exists, right?). I just hope the Hall can come to its senses and add the most important flautist ever to flaut a Pan Flute.* I mean, look how kickass Pan is. Who wouldn't want this guy in the Hall? *Yes, I tried to see how many times I could use the words "flautist" and "flaut" in that paragraph. Yes, I also know that "flaut" isn't a real word.
By:|January 14, 2008
Taco Belle: Rachel Bilson
Age: 26 Where have you seen her? Teen soap opera The O.C. and the upcoming movie you may have seen 65,000 ads for during last weekends football games called Jumper. If I see another commercial for that movie I'm going to jumper in front of a train. Tantalizing trivia: The scar above her right eye happened when she was in a head-on collision when she was 13. She still suffers migraines and memory loss from it. I don't know why, but for some reason this makes me think I have a shot with her. (I suffer from intelligence loss.) Photos courtesy of Hollywoodtuna.com
By:|January 14, 2008
Tom Cruise is Just Crazy About Scientology
Tom Cruise is to Scientology what cocaine is to a stripper's ass: If you hear about one, you'll probably hear about the other shortly. According to usmagazine.com Cruise recently accepted the Freedom Medal of Valor award at an International Association of Scientologists Event. The Freedom Medal of Valor award? What the hell kind of name is that? It's like they filled out a fucking mad libs. In fact, here, you can make your own award using this: The (Noun) (Type of Award) of (Adjective) Award I came up with "The Butthole Trophy of Magnificent Award." I'm not sure why, but I'm going to give it to Rebbeca Romijn-Stamos. When Cruise accepts the award, he goes on to say: "Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident...you know you have to do something about it because you know you're the only one that can really help." Really? What the fuck am I doing calling triple AAA then when I get a flat tire? Do Scientologists give me the first seven miles of towing free also? "Look, I wish the world was a different place. I'd like to go on vacation and go and romp and play and just do that, you know what I mean." Romp and play? Apparently Tom Cruise thinks he's a nymph in a Greek Myth. I'd say he's now officially, "don't turn your back to him or he might hump/bite you" crazy. Still though, love that Jerry Maguire movie.
By:|January 13, 2008
No Way God Likes This Song
At first I thought this was off a Creed Album, but then I realized it didn't suck hard enough.
By:|January 13, 2008
Kid’s Douchebaggery Causes 20K in Damages.
After watching this clip, I've decided to start a new feature here at Holy Taco: Each and every day, there are moments of douchebaggery that cause us all to take notice. Today, Cory Delaney, you have provided us with that moment. Not only do you wear a fuzzy hooded coat sans t-shirt, you choose to run naked covering your undoubtedly small Australian penis when film crews arrive to interview you for destroying the neighborhood. Good show, sir! Now, here's a speech from Cory. I want to thank my mom and dad, for believing in me when i said I was going to be a huge douchebag when I grew up and no one believed me. I also want to thank my friends, who are all huge douchebags in their own right. Also, I just want to say that I'm not going to rest on my laurels. I've already hatched a plan to crap in a bag and tie it to the wheel chair of a quadriplegic homeless person, as well as keeping a scoring system for varying levels of disgusting sex acts I plan to do to women. Thank you!
By:|January 13, 2008
Porn Awards Fill Gaping Hole Left By Golden Globes
I would like to thank the AVN Awards for getting us through this difficult time. With no Golden Globes to tell me what $40,000 dress Lucy Liu is wearing, I wasn't sure if there would be any point to go on living. But thankfully Adult Video News handed out their list of yearly winners to give me something to do. And what a show it was. There were a few upsets (could you believe that Ass Blasting Felching Anal Whores won for Most Outrageous Sex Scene?!?!? I couldn't!) and a few losers (Elastic Assholes 5 was totally snubbed!). But in the end, it was a great evening. Here are the few shots from the red carpet...which was probably brown before the night was over. Photos courtesy of NS4W.org. See the full list of winners after the jump.
By:|January 13, 2008
Terrell Owens Wants To Be Tony Romo’s Tight End
I understand it can be difficult to have a great season and then get bounced out of the playoffs after just one game. So I'm not blaming T.O. for showing a little emotion after the 'Boys loss to the Giants. I mean, how can I blame him when I'm laughing at how stupid he looks while he's bawling. But he's a hypocritical douche for getting all high and mighty with the media for questioning his "teammate" for boinking Jessica Simpson in Mexico the weekend before the game. This is the guy who told anyone who would listen that Donovan McNabb was tired at the end of the Super Bowl and called Jeff Garcia gay. He had no problem tossing previous "teammates" under the bus, but now he has no problem tossing Romo's salad. Does T.O. have a crush on Romo? Well, if it smells like a rat, it probably fucks quarterbacks like one, too.
By:|January 13, 2008
MILF Monday: Christina Aguilera
Age: 27 Where you've seen her: She's been a pop diva for years now. If you don't know who she is, you should probably go back to your cave and just read a book. Is she really a MILF? HolyTaco would like to welcome the newest member of the MILF club. Christina had Max Liron Bratman at 10:05 pm on Saturday. Congratulations on pushing that baby through your vagina! Way to go!
By:|January 13, 2008
The Most Important Election…EVER
As we all know, there's an incredibly important election coming up and I feel as an American I need to chime in. Yes, that's right, Kettle Chips is having the "Kettle Chips People's Choice IV: Fire and Spice!" See how they did that, with the Fire and Ice, but instead they changed...forget it. The flavors in competition are pictured above. They all sound delicious, but personally, I'm endorsing Mango Chili, because they are delicious and I agree with their stance on health care reform. Really though, this is the flavor I'd most like to see: Also, if you're in to indie music, and you're also into Kettle chips, there's no better comparison of the two then this article right here. This guy is on to some next level shit.
By:|January 11, 2008
89% of People Want To Do Lois Griffin
That's right, readers of The Taco have spoken and spoken loudly. Over 5,000 votes were cast and 89% of readers say they'd rather bang the Cartoon mom to the Griffins over the Cartoon Mom to the Simpsons. I must say, I didn't see this landslide coming, but I thought Crystal Pepsi would be huge, so what the fuck do I know? As usual, here's real reactions from ACTUAL readers. Cage Potato - I just couldn't see myself putting it in Marge Simpson's ass. Rizzinator - How often do you get the chance to bang someone with blue pubes that's not a circus clown? Michael J - They're cartoons. This is stupid. Thanks to all who voted, and if you have a Who Would You Rather Do of your own, put it in the comments section and maybe we'll use it. Probably not though.
By:|January 11, 2008
Un-Lock Of The Weekend
Last week the Seahawks were good to me and they covered even though Matt Hasselbeck played like he shit his pants on every first down and was just trying to get back to the sidelines as quick as possible to go clean up. Regardless, I've won 2 out of my last 3, which Meatloaf says isn't bad. (That's right, I made a Meatloaf reference, kiss my ass.) On to this weekend's un-lock: JAGUARS (+11) over Patriots The Patriots are dominant, I know. But the Jaguars are like a urinal: if you shit on them, you're making a big mistake. It's supposed to be in the low 40s and potentially rainy in Foxboro this weekend and the Pats have old ass linebackers. If you don't think cold weather effects old people, you've never seen my dad try to tie his shoes in the morning. You think Mike Vrbael is going to be flying around making tackles? Apparently you haven't seen this picture of him.
By:|January 10, 2008
Twins Accidentally Get Married. Hilarity Ensues
I don't even know where to start with this one. A pair of twins who were adopted at birth by different families found out they were related...after they were already married. The brother and sister reportedly felt an "inevitable attraction" to each other because, I guess, they each thought the other one was really hot. According to the BBC: A court annulled the British couple's union after they discovered their true relationship, Lord Alton said. "They were never told that they were twins," he told the Lords. "They met later in life and felt an inevitable attraction, and the judge had to deal with the consequences of the marriage that they entered into and all the issues of their separation." "And if you don't know you are biologically related to someone, you may become attracted to them and tragedies like this may occur." Awwwkwaaard. How do you deal with the news that you've been boning your sister? Do you break up forever and never see the twin you never knew you had again? Do you break off the wedding, but still get coffee to catch up? Or do you just say fuck it and keep the incest train rolling? I think we know the last one is the only real option.
By:|January 10, 2008
Spider Man Will Give You AIDS
It seems like foreign ad campaigns seem to get their point across much better than ones in the US. This French anti-AIDS campaign has taught me that I should probably use a condom the next time I have sex with Spider Man (which happens more than I'd care to admit.) The ones in the US have only taught me to not have sex with Magic Johnson and Tommy "The Gun" Morrison (which also happens more than I'd care to admit.) But, honestly, who can resist this guy?
By:|January 10, 2008
Lauren Conrad Quits Fake Job
Lauren Conrad, star of "The Hills," otherwise known as "The show you put on mute and masturbate to," may no longer work at Teen Vogue, the magazine she works at in the show, according to usmagazine.com. When last seen on "The Hills," [Conrad] and fellow Teen Vogue intern Whitney Port had gone to Paris to help magazine editor Kimball Hastings cover the Crillon Ball. But after that, reports Women's Wear Daily, quoting a rep for the fashion magazine, "The girls have moved on from Teen Vogue." First off, I'm not gonna even address the fact that this show is more fake than the last orgasm my girlfriend had. Secondly, of course she's not gonna work at vogue anymore! This girl's got ideas of her own! Don't take my word for it, check out all the crazy things she can do with a scarf! A scarf people!
By:|January 10, 2008
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