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Tell The World You’re A Whore

Remember those days when you're baby didn't know who its daddy was? Well, if you went on the Maury Povich show, gave a little DNA, and waited for Maury to tell you the results on the air, you definitely know which guy's sperm fertilized your egg (and honestly, it's really really really hard to tell sometimes.) Now that you know, why not dress up your little whore-spawn in a cute onesie that says "I Met My Daddy On Maury." Because your child is never too young to know that his/her parents are trashy people who will throw their integrity away for a fleeting chance to be on television. Available in future felony blue or future porn fluffer pink! Buy one here. See the 7 Best Paternity Reactions on Maury here.

By:|March 31, 2008


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Taco Belle: Sarah Larson

Sarah Larson, George Clooney's new girlfriend, used to like to get down when she was a waitress in Vegas. According to Star Magazine: "She's even been described as having a successful runway and print modeling career. But until recently, her modeling career consisted mostly of being paid by promoters for clubs, magazines and radio stations to attend special events in sexy outfits and party with her wild girlfriends! "Sarah is outgoing and fun and loves to drink. She likes to get wasted when she goes out , but hey, that's what Vegas is all about!" "That's our Sarah!" says the source. "She's not shy in the slightest. She loves hamming it up and is never embarrassed. That's the Sarah everyone in Vegas remembers, not the girl dressed in Valentino minding her manners for the cameras with George at the Oscars!" I'd like to be the first to say, well done, George. Instead of going the Brad Pitt route and dating some politically-correct, UN-loving ice queen, he goes for the girl who can drink him under the table, can stay up for days and knows how to get dry humped in public. Bravo.

By:|March 31, 2008


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Link Time

College Virgins Fight To Not Party (asylum) Me Gusta Heidi Cortez (hornyoyster) MC Hammer Has Nothing On Little Asian Dude (Camel tap) NEVER Go To Prison In Texas (tastybooze) I Want This Couch (complex) Bush Booed At Baseball Game (double viking) Cookie Sheet Whack (College Humor) 10 Hottest Weather Girls (Unibrow)

By:|March 30, 2008


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Creepy Or Sexy?: Keira Knightley

You may disagree, but I think Keira Knightley is the epitome of a creepy or sexy. She was so hot in Pirates of the Carribean that I actually sat through the second and third installments of those movies even though they made less sense than the erection I got while watching the T-rex and Velociraptors fight at the end of the first Jurassic Park. But then other times I see Keira Knightley, like in this picture, and think she looks like a seventh grade boy who's really into emo music. What do you think? Is she creepy, or sexy?

By:|March 30, 2008


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Sarah Jessica Parker’s 5-Year-Old Supports Obama

If you find it really annoying when a celebrity publicly endorses a candidate then you're going to find this INCREDIBLY annoying. People.com reports: Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama may be hard at work on the campaign trail, but the senator from Illinois can count on James Wilkie Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick's 5-year-old son. "He's very into Barack Obama," Parker told reporters I wonder whether little James is into Barack because of his stance on health care or his stance on making pee pees like a big boy only when you're ready. This press conference must have been down right riveting. I wonder who her dog endorses for president. Maybe they can put a picture of Barack on one of its testicles and a picture of Hillary on the other. Then, which ever testicle the dog licks, that person gets Sarah Jessica Parker's Dog's endorsement.

By:|March 30, 2008


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Albert Pujols Has A Cousin Named Harry Pujols

We can't think of better news to welcome back baseball. A reader who wanted to remain anonymous sent in this photo. Apparently Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols (pronounced "poo-holes") has a cousin named Harry Pujols, pictured above. That's right, Harry Pujols. If I were him I might want to be referred to as "Harold Pujols" or even "Hank Pujols." If you don't think this is real, check this pic out on the site where it came from. Not to mention our reader has seen Harry Pujols in person. God, it's like you can put his name in any sentence and it's instantly hilarious. Although, Albert's so surly, maybe Harry is the fun-loving, jokester Pujols. I need to meet the entire Pujols clan, because if they're capable of naming their kid Harry, I can only hope that there's a "Stinky Pujols" somewhere in the Dominican Republic.

By:|March 30, 2008


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Formula One President Loves Nazi Sex

This has been a great month for sex scandals. Not to be outdone by the USA, it looks like Britain is getting in on the (sex) act. According to ESPN: Formula One's governing body kept its distance on Sunday from sexual allegations in a British tabloid newspaper about its president, Max Mosley. The News of the World reported in a front page story that FIA president Mosley, 67, had taken part in a "sadomasochistic orgy" with five prostitutes that reportedly involved Nazi role-playing. According to a story posted by the London-based Times Online on Monday, Mosley and others "re-enacted a concentration camp scene in which he played the role of both guard and inmate." The News of the World printed pictures of a man who appeared to be Mosley, chained over a "torture" bench while being caned by a woman, and said that the acts took place in an apartment near Mosley's London home on Friday. If there's one thing I've learned from this recent rash of sex scandals, it's the I am a boring prude. I don't need ball gags or ankle cuffs or swastikas to get off. In fact, I'd prefer it if the majority of my sexual relations were limited to just, well, sex. What the hell am I doing wrong?

By:|March 30, 2008


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New Jason Voorhees Looks Like Jason Voorhees

They're going to need to spend a lot less on makeup for the new Friday The 13th movie. Derek Mears, the handsome devil on the left, has played the weird looking guy in "The Hills Have Eyes 2" and is going to reach deep down into his bag of acting tricks to play the deformed Jason Voorhees in the latest installment of the hockey masked saga. This is how I imagine that audition going: Casting Director: Next! Derek Mears: I'm here for the role of Jason Voorhees. Casting Director: Ok, great. But, you didn't have to dress up like him for this audition. Derek Mears: I didn't dress up. This is my real face. Casting Director: You're hired!

By:|March 30, 2008


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Jenna Jameson and Aubrey O’Day Are Photogenic

When I first saw this photo of Jenna Jameson and Aubrey O'Day at a Dannity Kane performance I had two questions. 1) Who's Aubrey O'Day? And 2) What's a Danity Kane? After some intensive research, it seems that Aubrey O'Day is a singer in a group called Danity Kane. Mystery solved! I feel like Scooby Doo...or Columbo...or Wikipedia. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back and do some research to make sure I know exactly who Jenna Jameson is. Courtesy of hollywoodrag.com

By:|March 30, 2008


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MILF Monday: Catherine Zeta Jones

Age: 38 Where you've seen her: Catherine Zeta-Jones has been in such hits as High Fidelity, Traffic and Terminal. But the only thing I really ever remember about her is the shot of her ass in the Entrapment trailer (image below.) Is she really a MILF? Oh yeah. After marrying old ass Michael Douglass she squeezed out two of his children--Dylan Michael Douglas and Carys Zeta Douglas. I'm not sure what's more disgusting, the thought of her giving birth or the thought of her having sex with 63-year-old Michael Douglas. I'll go with Douglas.

By:|March 30, 2008


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More Theme Songs Should Be Like This

By:|March 29, 2008


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Man Has Sex With Table

There's so many layers to this story that intrigue me. Like, if you are the kind of person that not only wants to have sex with a table, but do it in public, you wouldn't think you'd have the wherewithal to use the umbrella hole as a vagina replacement. That takes some critical thinking that you wouldn't expect an outdoor tablefucker to have.

By:|March 28, 2008


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Friday Link Dump

Random Shit I Found On The Web Where can I find this guy. Please. I must meet him. I wish we had listened to this guy before we started Holy Taco. This is one of my favorite bud light commercials. This is one of the greatest drumming performance by a lounge drummer of ALL TIME. It takes a bit, but just keep watching him. Thanks to Matt T for the link. Where do you live? I live in Man Diego. Thanks to Amanda S. for sending this in. I tried this once in little league. I can tell you it didn't go this well, and it's a miracle I still have my nutsack. Thanks to Jason C. for sending this in. Link Friends Heavy Metal Baghdad (asylum) Playboy ladies show you how to party Cabo style (busted coverage) Busta Rhymes has to take crap (hornyoyster) Remove your nipple ring with pliers right now! (tastybooze) 5 hottest PETA babes (double viking) Adriana Riveramelo (Camel Tap) I wish I saw this instead of the regular Transformers (College Humor) I love Jakki Degg (Hottestgirlsofmyspace)

By:|March 27, 2008


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Thor Is The God Of Metal, Dude

I'm not totally certain, but this might be the greatest video ever made. It has Thor, Slayer and crappy animation...Yep, that's all you really need to make the world's greatest video. I guess boobs would help, but I'm willing to overlook that minor flaw since I got to see Thor stage diving. Thanks to Ando for sending this in.

By:|March 27, 2008


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Greg Oden Plays Rec Basketball

If you're a Portland Trailblazers fan, a)you're a liar and b)you're probably really pissed that as your team is falling out of playoff contention, your injured first round draft pick is out at the local rec playing games. Espn.com reports: Portland Trailblazers rookie Greg oden participated in a pick-up basketball game at a fitness facility in Tualatin, Ore., on Wednesday night, the Oregonian reported. Oden is in the sixth month of his rehabilitation from microfracture surgery on his right knee. He is on schedule to return in time for training camp in October. Oden has been cleared to participate in light drills at practice and the team wants to control his running and jumping. But apparently he hasn't been cleared to guard sweaty ass old dudes with back hair. Imagine you're playing at the rec center and Greg Oden walks in. I think it would look something like this:

By:|March 27, 2008


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Lindsay Lohan And Charles Manson: Together

Most people think Lindsay Lohan is crazy. But in the pantheon of crazy, she's not even in the same league as Charles Manson. It'd be like comparing that autistic kid who hit all those three pointers to Michael Jordan. People.com reports: Lindsay Lohan, has signed up to star in another film about a murderer , this time, it's Charles Manson. Lohan, 21, will play one of Manson's cult followers, Nancy Pitman, in the movie Manson Girls. Oh man, I hope she goes to the prison to meet Manson to research her role and then after a few weeks she releases some statement saying "I've grown really close with Charlie, and he's shown me some far out stuff." Then we see her at the premiere of the movie and she's carved a swastika into her forehead and Ryan Seacrest tries to interview her and she kills him on the red carpet and writes "Seacrest Out" on his chest in blood. Aaaaanyway, I wrote to Charles Manson to alert him of Lohan being in a movie about him, and here's what he wrote back:

By:|March 27, 2008


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How To: Buy An HD TV

It seems like a no brainer: You walk into the electronics store at the mall, point at the biggest, flattest, cheapest set you see and plunk down your credit card. That's fine…if you're a total idiot. Having the wrong TV can be the difference between thousands of hours of orgasmic content consumption and a never ending cycle of crappy picture quality and extended warranties only suckers and your rotary-phone-having mom should be dumb enough to buy. Pick a price range Don't pick a number that's going to have you eating Ramen and giving HJs for gas money. But when you consider how much time you're going to spend with this thing, you should be able to justify dipping into the booze fund. And once your number is set, stick to it. It's far too easy for a sexy 65-incher to seduce you into taking out a loan to buy it. Trust me, I know. Oh, and do you need an HJ? The tank is on E and I really have to get to work. Pick a panel type Every idiot and his retarded brother has an opinion about which kind of panel, be it plasma, LCD or rear-projection, is the best. The fact of the matter is, they're all wrong. The "best" depends on what you're going to be using it for. Here's a breakdown of the strengths and weaknesses: LCD The most popular type of set at the moment provides awesome color, lots of brightness and will last longer than a plasma before the picture starts to degrade. They're excellent for watching movies and playing games, but some die-hard sports fans complain that their slower response times suffer during fast-paced action. They also take up less space and often put out less heat than the other guys. Plasma: Many true A/V nerds will tell you that plasma is capable of providing the best picture quality, especially when it comes to providing deep blacks, something the other guys kind of suck at. The downside is that plasmas have a tendency to get burn-in, so if you're playing a video game with a life meter, it might be stuck there even after you've turned the game off. Also, they gradually lose brightness so they won't last as long.

By:|March 27, 2008


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PoultryGeist Is The Greatest Move Ever Made

I know, I know. You're wondering why I would post the trailer to a sappy kid's movie like PoultryGeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead on HolyTaco. Well, I guess I'm just a sucker for family entertainment. If you ask me, Hollywood doesn't make enough movies that help teach our children about the importance of morals and ethics and jamming sticks up people's asses. Find out more at poultrygeistmovie.com Warning, not for the squeamish.

By:|March 27, 2008


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Obama Gospel Throwdown!

If I knew church was going to be like this (instead of just a bunch of old guys grabbing my penis), I would have gone a long long long time ago.

By:|March 27, 2008


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Hayden Panettiere And Her Camel Toe

Hayden Panettiere may want to get some slightly larger sweat pants because these seem to be bunching up in the upper thigh/lower vagina section. I'm not a big fan of camel toes. They look like some girl stuffed too much melted cheese and orange rinds in her pants. And at the end of the day, I'd rather she just stuck to stuffing her bra. Courtesy of egotastic.com

By:|March 27, 2008


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