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Creepy Or Sexy?: Victoria Beckham

Sometimes I look at her and I think she looks like those evil robots from that part in Terminator 2 when they flash forward to show the apocalyptic earth in 2037 where machines rule.  But then sometimes I see her and I think she looks like a stripper with two good years left.  Either way, I'm strangely turned on. Now, before you decide, I'm not asking you whether or not you'd have sex with her.  We've all probably had sex with someone we'd describe as "creepy," or "unattractive," or "a person with male genitalia."  I'm just asking you, when it's all said and done, is she creepy or sexy?

By:|March 4, 2008


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Is Chelsea Clinton A Russian Bride?

Svetlana Medvedev is the going to be the new Russian first lady this May, but I couldn't help notice her uncanny resemblance to former first daughter Chelsea Clinton. I'm not sure if it's the jowely face or the extra wide fish mouth or the power-hungry glint in their eyes that makes them look like sisters, but whatever it is, it's freaking me out. If Hillary gets back in the White House, I hope Svetlana and Chelsea pull some wacky Parent Trap-style caper where they switch roles and start an earth-annihilating nuclear war.  That would be hilarious.

By:|March 4, 2008


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The Onion: The Movie

After seeing Will Ferrell play the same character (he's stupid!) for the 50th time, I have to say I am rather excited for the new Onion Movie. And besides, how many movies can actually make Steven Seagal look good?

By:|March 4, 2008


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In Russia, Amanda Braun Hornies You

I've never been to Moscow, but everything I've learned about post cold-war Russia is that it's a nation of murdered journalists or journalist-murdering political figures. And then I saw these photos of Amanda Braun, a Russian model who doesn't seem to be either murdered or a member of any real political party (I'm pretty sure that backdrop is just for show.) Wow, you learn something new everyday.                    

By:|March 4, 2008


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East German DuckTales Cartoon

German Ducktales - Watch more free videos I think we all remember the cartoon Ducktales. Scrooge McDuck and his nephews went on wild adventures chasing after buried treasure. Apparently though, in East Germany, that wasn't exactly the story line. I await your back lash, Germany. I sit and I wait.

By:|March 3, 2008


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Carmen Electra’s Cleavage Honors John Mayer

Um, Cosmo honored John Mayer as their "Fun Fearless Man of the Year" last night. And while I don't like John's music, I did enjoy his work on the Chappelle Show. So I can see where the "fun" part of the "award" comes in. But "fearless"? I just don't see it...Wait, nevermind. Why the hell am I even talking about this? It's the stupidest award I've ever heard of in my entire life (and I won the "I Can Put My Feces On Anything" award in first grade. OK, I was in Grad School.) Anywho, Carmen Electra was there and here's photos of her boobs.               

By:|March 3, 2008


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Kevin Federline Is A Tub Of Fat

So, apparently Kevin Federline has become fat.  And since previous to this he was a piece of shit, he's now officially become the very catchy "Fat Piece Of Shit."  Usmagazine.com reports: Kevin Federline appeared to have packed on the pounds after hitting a Los Angeles Golf Course Friday. But his ex Shar Jackson says his fuller figure is the result of being a full-time Mr. Mom. "It's daddy weight!" she tells usmagazine.com.  "When you are a full time parent, sometimes you can't focus on you. Daddy weight?  You can't just start making up occupational reasons for being fat.  I can't tell my girlfriend, "No, I'm not fat.  It's just blogging weight."  I can't believe how fat Federline has become.  He looks like he's using that golf club to pick up a donut hole he dropped.  At this rate, there's no stopping his weight gain.  Here's a photoshop rendering of what he'll look like by 2010:

By:|March 3, 2008


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His Job Title Is “Pet Food Taster”

You know how Fido goes totally mental whenever you crack open a can of his favorite meat chunks? Well, he has Simon Allison to thank for it. From Neatorama: Mr Allison is a senior food technologist for Marks & Spencer with special responsibility for pet produce. He insists he relishes the task and has trained his palate to detect the delicacies preferred by dogs and cats - and their owners. "You have to chew it a bit.

By:|March 3, 2008


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Ben Roethlisberger Gets $102 Million? Really?

The Pittsburgh Steelers made Big Fat Ben Roethlisberger one of the highest paid players in the league yesterday. Yes, you read that right, Ben Roethlisberger. According to the Post-Gazette.com: Ben Roethlisberger became not only the highest-paid Steelers player ever, he's now among the highest-paid players in the NFL, and arguments can be made that he's No. 1. Roethlisberger today signed a contract that will pay him $102 million over eight seasons. It includes so-called "guaranteed money" of slightly more than $36 million and a $25 million signing bonus. Are good quarterbacks that scarce these days? OK, he had one good year and now he's worth one of the biggest contracts in the league? Does anyone realize that the Steelers lost all-pro left guard Alan Faneca to free agency? Do you really think the not-so-mobile (i.e. fat) Ben is going to have better or worse numbers next season? Are you tired of all my questions? So this brings up the real question: Who's Better Than Ben? Here's ten players I'd rather have on my team before Fatlisberger: 1. Tom Brady 2. Peyton Manning 3. LaDainian Tomlinson 4. Adrian Peterson 5. Tony Romo 6. Alan Faneca 7. Richard Seymour 8. Randy Moss 9. Flozell Adams (Just for the name. See also: Willie Whitehead) 10. Kordell Stewart, Charlie Batch and Bubby Brister And please don't bring up his Super Bowl win in an attempt to defend Big Fat Ben. His 123 yards, zero touchdowns and two interceptions didn't necessarily "help." I had as much to do with that win as Ben did. Can someone give me $102 million? I'll smash my motorcycle into my face if it'll help.

By:|March 3, 2008


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Heidi Montag And Britney Spears; Together At Last

Heidi Montag Britney Spears duet - Watch more free videos Okay, so originally this was just the song and the pic of Montag, but I DEFY you to give me an example of a time when adding footage of Gorillas humping doesn't make things better. So, what you just listened to/watched was a duet of Britney Spears and Heidi Montag. That's right, they did a song together. An awful, awful song together. I don't know what it's called, I don't care. But getting two of the most titanically stupid people together in a room got me thinking. You remember the show Voltron? Basically Voltron was an ass kicking robot made up of 5 smaller, yet still ass kicking robots. Well, what if I was to build a "Stupid Voltron." Who would the other three parts of it be? Here's what I came up with:

By:|March 3, 2008


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Mix Like A Deejay

Everybody wants to be a deejay. But the problem is, it actually takes some talent to be one. Thanks though to Xsession pro, you no longer need talent. M-Audio's MixLab, which includes an X-Session Pro USB mixing desk and Torq LE software, is what you need to get your (virtual) DJ-ing fingertips hot. Torq LE slurps up your music (including what's stashed in an iTunes library) and lets you drag and drop tracks into two virtual onscreen decks. From there, you can take the tunes and run with them -- at least as long as you're sticking to the basic techniques it offers. Wow, deejay-ing has come a long way. I remember the days when you had to shield your records from drunken sorority girls who projectile vomited in between requests for you to play Warren G's "Regulator." Don't worry though, even though you won't be using records or turntables like normal deejays, you can still have that inflated sense of self-importance derived from the fact that you have the power over what song is going to be played next. And really, at the end of the day, isn't that what it's all about?

By:|March 2, 2008


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Win A Date With Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson Makes An offer - Watch more free videos So, at first, Scarlett Johansson let people bid on a chance to go to the premiere of her new movie "He's Just Not That In To You," that also stars Ben Affleck and Drew Barrymore. But after she realized that people would rather shove a pine cone in their urethra than sit through that movie, she made the above appeal. I think it was a wise move.

By:|March 2, 2008


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10 Best Sports Press Conference Meltdowns

After seeing Kevin Borseth's amazing post-game press conference freak out over a women's college basketball game, we were reminded about some of our favorite post-game tirades. Because it's not about who wins and loses, it's about who has a mental breakdown on camera after the game. Jim Mora , "Playoffs?" Starting this list with any other clip would be like starting to masturbate without first locking your office door. You just don't do it. Notice Mora's use of repetition. It will become a theme here. Kevin Borseth Rant - Watch more free videos Kevin Borseth - "After the game, was I mad? Yes." The last women's sporting event I watched was Lingerie Bowl I, so maybe I don't have the best frame of reference here. Yet, when a women's basketball coach flies in from off screen and slams the stat sheet on the podium to start his post-game press conference, well, this could be the most entertaining thing to happen in women's basketball since Juwanna Mann. Terrell Owens Is A Cry Baby - Watch more free videos Terrell Owens , The Crying (Post)Game TO is clearly a changed man. Before this, the NFL's douchiest receiver was known for blaming his teammates after a tough loss. Now he's just known as a little bitch.

By:|March 2, 2008


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The Future Of Ping Pong Includes Breasts

I've never sat down to watch a ping pong match in my entire life. But I've watched this mildly overweight girl play with ping pong balls at least six times, and I'm not ready to turn it off just yet. Whoever is president of the official Ping Pong Association should take note and make a few rule changes to your pathetic sport. Thanks to GorillaMask.net for the find.

By:|March 2, 2008


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These People Want To Have Sex With Birds

I'm not one to judge, so I'm going to let EroticFalconry.com speak for itself: What's abnormal about wanting to see your wife take a three-inch beak instead of a 10-inch African American phallus or a silicon, injection-molded forearm? How can a human vagina or anus even compare to hollow bones or a molty egg-hole. Eroticfalconry.com is hopefully just the tip of the iceberg. Our goal is to show others what turns us on so that they can see the natural sexual ferocity of our feathered friends. I just worked up a math equation to express how I feel about boning birds: Talons + Penis = Terrified Screaming. And I try to do as little terrified screaming as possible during sex. (That's usually reserved for my partner.)

By:|March 2, 2008


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MILF Monday: Naomi Watts

Age: 39 Where you've seen her: Naomi Watts has been in King Kong, 21 Grams, The Ring and Mulholland Drive. The only part of Mulholland Drive that made any sense was her lesbian scene with Laura Harring's enormous breasts. Is she really a MILF? Yes, nine months after Liev Schrieber's two pumps and a cough, she gave birth to Alexander Pete.                    

By:|March 2, 2008


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There Will Be No Country For Perfect Strangers

There Will Be No Country For Perfect Strangers - Watch more free videos Does anyone remember Perfect Strangers being this violent? I thought it was a comedy about a fish out of water named Balky who came from a backwater country to stay with his Cousin Larry in New York City. But, according to this old intro for the show, I guess it was mostly about horrific close-range shootings. Huh.

By:|March 1, 2008


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HolyTaco’s Tribute To The Golden Globes

The Golden Globes didn't happen, so I thought Holy Taco should pick up the slack and give you a golden globe gallery that you'd really want to see. There's no red carpet pics here, just photos of girls with large breasts. Some are of celebrities and some are just your average everyday breast-next-door. If only Joan Rivers were here to critique them all. See tons more after the jump.

By:|March 1, 2008


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Jamie Lynn Spears Takes Shot To Face

I'm not saying anything. I just want everyone to know, a lot of problems could have been prevented if she just took note of the lessons she was learning on these kids shows she was in. Thanks to Kontraband.com for finding this video.

By:|March 1, 2008


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Asante Samuel Makes Tom Brady Cry

The last time we saw Asante Samuel, he was dropping a game ending interception in the Super Bowl.  Apparently he feels like he needs to punish himself for that mistake, so he signed with the Philadelphia Eagles.  Yahoo sports reports: Philadelphia got its first one of 2008, signing the free-agent cornerback to a six-year contract on Friday and ending Samuel's five-year stint in New England. "I just want a chance to be able to win and get back to the Super Bowl, Samuel said. "That's why I picked the Philadelphia Eagles." Excuse me, what?  That's like saying, "I wanted to get laid really badly, so I'm deciding to burn all my money and shit my pants twice a day."  Ass-ante, you were on a team that almost went un-defucking-feated.  I'd rather join that team on Friday Night Lights and live in that shit hole town than take up a roster spot on the Philadelphia Eagles.  At least there are hot slutty chicks who like to party in Texas.

By:|February 29, 2008