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By:|February 28, 2008


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Angelina Jolie Buys Penis Gum For Her Kid

I've been around enough kids to know that the only way to get them to shut up is to buy them shit. So I applaud Angelina Jolie for this: After treating her son Maddox to a screening of The Spiderwick Chronicles at Hollywood's ArcLight theater, they hit the gift shop. Six-year-old Maddox picked out a pack of gum labeled "I [Heart] My Penis." "[Angelina] laughed and bought it," a witness told Us. So the kid [heart]'s his penis. What kid doesn't? I [heart] my penis and it doesn't even deserve it. I would be concerned if he wanted to buy the gum that said "I don't [Heart] My Penis." That would be a symbolic move by Maddox inferring that he was potentially confused about his sexuality and needed therapy. Or maybe just that he got soap in his pee pee and it hurt. Either way, trouble. Anyway, for those of you who think it's irresponsible for Angelina to buy a six year old something like that, I must tell you, it could have been worse. Today I purchased this gum:

By:|February 28, 2008


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Celebrities LOVE Barack Obama

Look, I like Barack Obama but for the love of God, he didn't create the universe. I was half way expecting to see someone saying "I had third degree burns over 90% of my body. Barack Obama gave me his feces and I rubbed it all over my skin and the next day... my skin was like a baby's ass." I love how they fit every single ethnicity into this video. I'm disappointed there wasn't an eskimo dude in a parka holding a harpoon standing next to one of those dudes from Apocalypto, both chanting "O-BA-MA. O-BA-MA." It's really fortunate for Barack that his last name has three syllables. It doesn't have the same ring to it when you chant "MC-CAIN, MC-CAIN." Sort of just sounds like you're chanting Mick Cane, which sounds like the name of a crusty longshoreman in New Jersey.

By:|February 28, 2008


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Creepy or Sexy? The Olsen Twins

Remember when the Olsen Twins were getting ready to turn 18? There was chaos in the streets, men were visibly weeping and Jesus himself was shitting his pants. But now, when I look at them I sometimes see either Gollum or one of those troll dolls with the crazy hair. So which one is it? Are they the sexy sirens that caused the son of God to drop a load on himself or are they just weird looking gremlin girls who happen to be worth billions of dollars? (I know it's common knowledge that one of them is hotter than the other, but to me they're one big mashup of clown clothes, eyeliner and future suicides.) Before you submit one of those "you would totally have sex with them" comments, let me save you some time. Of course I would have sex with them. I'm a man. I would have sex with a lawn chair if I could find the right lube. The question is whether they're creepy or not.

By:|February 28, 2008


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Drink This: Lucid Absinthe

Absinthe is back. After being banned for nearly 100 years, the mythical licorice-flavored spirit is now legally sold in both the US and Europe and it's your duty to see what all the fuss is about. But first, a history lesson. The legend that absinthe has hallucinogenic properties is false. In late 19th Century Paris, absinthe was very popular among the artists and bohemian culture. Social conservatives (i.e. Republicans) and the local wine industry (worried about losing market share to the up-and-coming absinthe) joined forces to promote a propaganda campaign against the green spirit and claimed that the wormwood shrub used to make it contained a chemical called Thujone which made humans delirious and "made a ferocious beast of a man, a martyr of a woman and a degenerate of an infant." A few murders were blamed on it and petitions were quickly signed all over Europe to ban the drink. The problem is, there's not nearly enough Thujone in absinthe to make you go bonkers and there's no scientific evidence that Thujone even has any affect on humans. But having said that, you don't want to start shooting absinthe like it's Happy Hour at Applebee's. At 124 proof, Lucid has an alcohol content that can put you on your ass faster than you can say "I love to drink more than I love my family." Mix it with a little water and sugar like they did back in the day. It'll help you stay upright and it will make you look like you're civilized gentleman. Go here to see how to drink it like Ernest Hemingway, Oscar Wilde and Vincent Van Gogh. Lucid is the first traditional absinthe to be released in the US market since the 2007 ban was lifted. Pick up a bottle today for $60. Buy it here.

By:|February 28, 2008


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How To: Get Laid In 40 Seconds

   Buy some rubbers and get some ointment for that rash. We're gonna get you some sex,fast. 1. Always be ready If you're going to get laid in less than a minute, you need to look like a guy who can get laid in less than a minute. So make not being a slob your new default setting. Tuck in your shirt, wear clothes that match, don't let your hair be messy and,this is important,wear nice shoes. It's all about first impressions and some girls aren't aroused by your kitschy Thundercats t-shirt. Bitches. 2. Get the lay of the land Wherever you are,bar, club, wedding, bail bond office,you need to observe the scene. Is there a girl who got separated from her friends? Did another guy just crash and burn? Swoop in! Better yet, read body language to find a girl who is blatantly interested in sex. Is she biting or licking her lips? Playing with her hair or necklace while she's looking at you? Cupping her breasts and foaming at the mouth? Then you've got yourself a target!

By:|February 28, 2008


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Kate Beckinsale Loves Her Bits

Sometimes you just love your genitals so much you have to tell Allure magazine about it. According to egotastic.com: Speaking to Allure magazine, Kate Beckinsale reveals: "I've only ever had about three boyfriends. Only a handful of people have seen into the Pharaoh's Tomb!" Kate sinks to lower depths when asked about her best feature. She gushes: "My best feature is unfortunately a private matter, although I'm told it is spectacular. But you can't really walk it down the red carpet. What can I say?" After a giggling fit, Kate then enlighten the interviewer, by silently mouthing the magical words: "My twat." I don't think anyone would mind if Kate really wanted to walk her vagina down the red carpet. In fact, I would guaran-damn-tee that the Oscar ratings would be much, much, much, much higher than they were this year. C'mon Beckinsale, take one for the team.               

By:|February 28, 2008


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Tom Cruise Has Gift For J-Lo

Jennifer Lopez and that weird thing she's married to have had their kids. Now it's presents time. But what will all their celebrity friends get them? "Jennifer and Marc have been bowled over with so many congratulations messages, cards, flowers, balloons, you name it. "They have also been sent many gifts from family, friends and fans. However, there was one particular present that really proved unique: "Tom and Katie wanted to get them something different and special so they thought a giant fish tank would be great. I always find it strange when someone gets you a present that will force you to rearrange shit in your house to make room for it. A giant fish tank is not something you get and say "Oh, I'll put that next to the fern we have in the living room." They might as well have been like "Hey, I got you a panic room. I was figuring we could install it in your bathroom or something." Anyway, I got invited to the baby shower, and I snapped a pic of the tank. I haven't been sleeping well since.

By:|February 28, 2008


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Chevy Tahoe Hybrid

Alright, it's a Friday night. You've just done back and bi's at the gym. You and some of the other super sweet bros from the sales team want to cruise for some special ladies. You need a car that will not only make you look cool, but that will also have room for the three wheeler you tell people you have, but don't. The car for you is the Tahoe. One problem, you care about the enviroment. The answer then, is the new Chevy Tahoe Hybrid. Uncrate.com gives us the specs: Offering up to 50% better city fuel economy over the non-hybrid Tahoe, the eco-friendly version has an estimated MPG of 21 city/22 highway for the 2WD model, and 20 city/20 highway for the 4WD model. Both pack in a Vortec 6.0L V8 engine with Active Fuel Management technology, which automatically shifts from 8 to 4 cylinders when less power is needed. This can all be yours for.... $50,490. Bro! Come on! Bro, let's negotiate.

By:|February 27, 2008


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Angie Harmon Loves John McCain

I was undecided as to who I was going to vote for in the presidential election. That is, until now! Usmagazine.com reports: Add Angie Harmon to the list of celebrities publicly supporting their favorite presidential hopefuls. Her pick? Republican John McCain. "There are a lot more people in L.A. voting for McCain than you think, Harmon said in the newest issue of Us Weekly, on newsstands now. "We have an underground Republican Party! The chick from one of the three Law & Orders is picking McCain?! Holy shit, the democrats are in trouble! They're only hope is to win the endorsement of the "Can You Hear Me Now" guy from those Verizon commercials, otherwise it's over folks, it's over. In order to truly show you how little people in America give a fuck about Angie Harmon's endorsement for President, I went ahead and made a color coded map of the United States.

By:|February 27, 2008


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Put A Bowling Alley In Your House

You know why no one wants to come over to your house? Aside from the fact that your couch smells like Cheetos and your dog rubs its ass all over everything, you also don't have a freakin' bowling alley. But all that can change now. According to Oh Gizmo: United Bowling, a Florida based company will install a 2 lane, full regulation length bowling alley in your home complete with genuine AMF and Brunswick equipment like pin stackers and ball returns. You'll need a minimal area that's 88 feet long, 12 feet wide with a 10 foot ceiling, but if the kids have moved out there's no reason not to demolish their bedrooms in order to make room for such an awesome upgrade. Of course at $88,000 it's not a cheap upgrade, but if it was worth it to Daniel Plainview, then it's worth it to me. So, it only takes $88,000 for you to be just like the There Will Be Blood guy and the President (those are the only two people I know with bowling alleys in their houses.) You may not have the murderous rage, the calculating will to succeed or even the love of milk shakes (and you still have that problem with your dog), but you will have a bowling alley. And that's gotta count for something. Buy it here.

By:|February 27, 2008


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Orlando Bloom Smells Like Crap

I always thought that when you're really good looking, it's okay to smell like shit. Starmagazine.com reports: Orlando Bloom is back with his on-again, off-again girlfriend, Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr, but it won't last unless he kicks up his personal hygiene, friends warn. "Miranda thinks Orlando is too smelly. Recently, she asked him if he could wash his clothes and perhaps shower more often." Hmmm, apparently Miranda doesn't know that Orlando Bloom can shit his pants and 99% of the female population will still blow him. I'd be a little more careful with the demands. But seriously, what's the point of being rich and good looking if you still have to maintain your personal hygiene? Like, I'm poor and unattractive and I have to make sure smell like an Old Spice truck crashed into a rose garden or I can kiss any chance of getting laid goodbye. If you're telling me that when I get rich and...still unattractive I'm going to have maintain that, that's a tough pill to swallow. Now I'm depressed. No more posts today.

By:|February 27, 2008


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Kevin Federline Line Is Year Older, Stupider

Vegas has some of the best magicians in the world.  Some make tigers disappear.  Some make people levitate.  And some perform the greatest trick of all, finding a way to become millionaires without any talent, skills, or education. People.com reports: Kevin Federline will take a break from parenting on March 21st to celebrate his birthday. Just like at his 29th birthday, Federline will celebrate at Caesar's Palace's Pure nightclub.  Last year, his parents and even ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson attended the bash at the club. Oooh his parents came!  Nice!  Does anyone else think this smells like one of those birthday parties in elementary school where the fat stinky kid in school invited the whole class to his birthday and no one showed up except the kids whose parents forced them to go?  Me too.  Now I feel bad because I was that kid for a couple years (thyroid problem, no excuse for the stinky).  The way I dealt with getting people to come to my parties was simple: Bouncy room.  Maybe that would work for him.

By:|February 26, 2008


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Give-A-Wednesday: Win MLB 08 The Show for PS3

Write a caption of Greg Valentino, my favorite roid head, and you can win a copy of MLB 08 The Show for PS3. And now thanks for the miracles of modern medicine, the 400 homer season you rack up in this game won't be far off from the real thing. As usual, leave your captions in the in the comments section. Winners will be notified via email (so leave your email address.) See last week's winners after the jump.

By:|February 26, 2008


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48% Of Teens Didn’t Buy A CD Last Year

In a report that shocked only the crappy corporate music industry and possibly the Braillettes, it looks like fewer and fewer teens are buying CDs these days. According to MacWorld.com: The popularity of the iTunes Store has propelled Apple to the number two music retailer spot in the US, following only Wal-Mart, according to market research firm NPD. The report from NPD also showed a decrease of CD sales as younger buyers continue to shun traditional media in greater numbers. NPD says that 48 percent of US teens did not purchase a single CD in 2007, compared to 38 percent in 2006. The report estimates that one million consumers dropped out of the CD buyer market in 2007. The real tragedy in the migration to digital music downloads is that some day the fine art of CD and album cover creation will be gone forever. What will happen to hardworking artists like Jose Angel? Jose clearly knows the importance of marketing and put in a lot of time and effort into his album cover. To commemorate their importance, check out some of the greatest CD and album covers ever after the jump.

By:|February 26, 2008


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Denise Milani Is My New Breast Friend

Denise Milani should be ashamed of herself. Her treatment of shirts is deplorable. There are people in Africa (and parts of Central America, according to my dad's National Geographic magazine) who don't even have shirts of their own and there she is totally stretching hers out with both of her mammoth shirt-destroying feedbags. What kind of example are we setting for the shirtless Third World when our own celebrities are blatantly treating their shirts with such utter disregard? Now that Darfur is fixed (I assume) can we get the UN or Angelina Jolie or Juggs Magazine on this terrible crisis?                    

By:|February 26, 2008


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New Air Jordan’s: From The Future?

Remember when you were little and you wanted a pair of Air Jordan's but instead your mom bought you L.A Gear and everyone made fun of you?  You probably don't, but I do.  Walking into the shoe store and coming out with L.A. Gear was like going into a Hooters and getting the 43 year-old waitress with asthma who they can't fire for legal reasons.  Anyway, I wanted those Air Jordan's but they were too expensive and guess what, they still are.  They cost 185.00 which I think is unjustified.  I mean, Jordan is amazing and potentially the greatest athlete of our generation, but as soon as you start doing commercials with Kevin Bacon, the price of your shoe should drop.  That's all I'm saying. You can see them up close here.

By:|February 26, 2008


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Starbucks Shuts Down: Chaos Ensues

All right, no one freak out. Just breathe in and out through your nose because I'm about to lay some FRIGHTENING shit on you. Fox reports: Coffee giant Starbucks announced this month that it would close most of its 7,000 U.S. stores for three hours on the evening of Feb. 26. The decision to close the stores was made so that the 135,000 managers and other employees can be re-trained. Three hours?! Are they insane? I saw a woman in line at a Starbucks once scream at a man and call him a "fucking imbecile" because he took about one minute too long to decide what he wanted. Also, why the hell do they need to retrain the employees? What was going on before this? Were the employees just dumping water and coffee beans in to a cup and then handing it out? It's fucking coffee, not brain surgery or celebrity blogging. As soon as word got out about this story, pretty much all of Los Angeles went ape shit. Women and men were getting into their BMWs and driving straight into oncoming traffic. Gun fire was heard everywhere, babies screaming. And still, the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf was empty. I got an aerial picture of Malibu, it's not going well over there:

By:|February 25, 2008


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Marion Cotillard Did A Nude Scene

Marion Cotillard, the girl who won the Oscar for her portrayal of that person you've never heard of in that movie you didn't see, apparently did a nude scene in a 2001 movie you also didn't see. To stop all this "not seeing" that's going on, click on the image or watch it here. Also, this performance may sway your vote in our "Who Would You Rather Do" poll on the right. Cast your votes accordingly.

By:|February 25, 2008


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Jason Bourne Is Back!

Apparently there are people out there who haven't had their asses kicked, because Jason Bourne is back. Popsugar.com reports: Matt Damon and director Paul Greengrass are both lined up for a fourth installment of the Bourne franchise. Wait, wasn't the last one called "The Bourne Ultimatum?" Why won't they leave Jason Bourne alone?! He gave them a f-ing Ultimatum! When my girlfriend said to me "I'm giving you an ultimatum; either stop masturbating next to me in bed while I sleep, or I'm breaking up with you," I listened! I didn't try to do it one more time even though an episode of Saved By The Bell silently played on our TV! I refuse to believe people are going to continue to screw with Jason Bourne. Movie studios are losing credibility with me. Anyway, I got a hold of the poster for this new one where they try to address that.

By:|February 25, 2008