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MILF Monday: Naomi Watts

Age: 39 Where you've seen her: Naomi Watts has been in King Kong, 21 Grams, The Ring and Mulholland Drive. The only part of Mulholland Drive that made any sense was her lesbian scene with Laura Harring's enormous breasts. Is she really a MILF? Yes, nine months after Liev Schrieber's two pumps and a cough, she gave birth to Alexander Pete.                    

By:|March 2, 2008


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There Will Be No Country For Perfect Strangers

There Will Be No Country For Perfect Strangers - Watch more free videos Does anyone remember Perfect Strangers being this violent? I thought it was a comedy about a fish out of water named Balky who came from a backwater country to stay with his Cousin Larry in New York City. But, according to this old intro for the show, I guess it was mostly about horrific close-range shootings. Huh.

By:|March 1, 2008


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HolyTaco’s Tribute To The Golden Globes

The Golden Globes didn't happen, so I thought Holy Taco should pick up the slack and give you a golden globe gallery that you'd really want to see. There's no red carpet pics here, just photos of girls with large breasts. Some are of celebrities and some are just your average everyday breast-next-door. If only Joan Rivers were here to critique them all. See tons more after the jump.

By:|March 1, 2008


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Jamie Lynn Spears Takes Shot To Face

I'm not saying anything. I just want everyone to know, a lot of problems could have been prevented if she just took note of the lessons she was learning on these kids shows she was in. Thanks to Kontraband.com for finding this video.

By:|March 1, 2008


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Asante Samuel Makes Tom Brady Cry

The last time we saw Asante Samuel, he was dropping a game ending interception in the Super Bowl.  Apparently he feels like he needs to punish himself for that mistake, so he signed with the Philadelphia Eagles.  Yahoo sports reports: Philadelphia got its first one of 2008, signing the free-agent cornerback to a six-year contract on Friday and ending Samuel's five-year stint in New England. "I just want a chance to be able to win and get back to the Super Bowl, Samuel said. "That's why I picked the Philadelphia Eagles." Excuse me, what?  That's like saying, "I wanted to get laid really badly, so I'm deciding to burn all my money and shit my pants twice a day."  Ass-ante, you were on a team that almost went un-defucking-feated.  I'd rather join that team on Friday Night Lights and live in that shit hole town than take up a roster spot on the Philadelphia Eagles.  At least there are hot slutty chicks who like to party in Texas.

By:|February 29, 2008


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People Want To Do Ellen Page

The Holy Taco readers have spoken and with almost 18,000 votes cast, a vast majority of you want to do Ellen Page, the chick from Juno who portrayed someone who was in HIGH SCHOOL.  Seriously people, what's wrong with you?  You sicken me. Anyway, I sicken myself, because while putting together the new page, I accidentally erased the comments on the old page before I was able to pick the three best.  It sucks to, because there was some dude who's comment was like "I find the Ellen to put in her space hole.  It make the magic for the happy."  I'm not even doing the comment justice, it was amazing.  Anyway, please feel free to berate me in the comments section.  I'm an idiot.

By:|February 29, 2008


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Friday Link Dump

-- I'm pretty sure Samuel L. Jackson would be REALLY pissed off if he saw this. -- People listen to your complaints when you're naked.  They just do.  *NSFW* -- This was sent to me by a reader.  I must meet this man and his machine.  It must happen. -- If people from West Virginia want to stop having people call them inbred, they should stop inbreeding. -- Sometimes Gay Porn just doesn't pay the bills.  This is the most fantastical/awesome story I've seen in a while.  Anytime a criminal actually says "you'll never catch me!" to a cop, it's good stuff. --  I want a half time show like this every time I break for lunch.  I love how no one gives a shit if they actually make the dunks, they just applaud when they land and their boobs jiggle. -- I contemplated saving this for a creepy or sexy, but I just think she's creepy. -- The guy who did Super Size Me has a new movie out.  Is it possible to think that this looks both entertaining and boring at the same time? -- If you suck at sports, you'll probably find out why here. And finally, as you can probably imagine, we LOVE photoshop stuff, so we were overjoyed when reader Marcus L. sent us a couple photoshops of his own.  Earlier in the week, I called Marc Anthony "that thing that's married to J-Lo."  Well, here he is.  Check out the smelly Orlando Bloom after the jump.

By:|February 28, 2008


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By:|February 28, 2008


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By:|February 28, 2008


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Angelina Jolie Buys Penis Gum For Her Kid

I've been around enough kids to know that the only way to get them to shut up is to buy them shit. So I applaud Angelina Jolie for this: After treating her son Maddox to a screening of The Spiderwick Chronicles at Hollywood's ArcLight theater, they hit the gift shop. Six-year-old Maddox picked out a pack of gum labeled "I [Heart] My Penis." "[Angelina] laughed and bought it," a witness told Us. So the kid [heart]'s his penis. What kid doesn't? I [heart] my penis and it doesn't even deserve it. I would be concerned if he wanted to buy the gum that said "I don't [Heart] My Penis." That would be a symbolic move by Maddox inferring that he was potentially confused about his sexuality and needed therapy. Or maybe just that he got soap in his pee pee and it hurt. Either way, trouble. Anyway, for those of you who think it's irresponsible for Angelina to buy a six year old something like that, I must tell you, it could have been worse. Today I purchased this gum:

By:|February 28, 2008


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Celebrities LOVE Barack Obama

Look, I like Barack Obama but for the love of God, he didn't create the universe. I was half way expecting to see someone saying "I had third degree burns over 90% of my body. Barack Obama gave me his feces and I rubbed it all over my skin and the next day... my skin was like a baby's ass." I love how they fit every single ethnicity into this video. I'm disappointed there wasn't an eskimo dude in a parka holding a harpoon standing next to one of those dudes from Apocalypto, both chanting "O-BA-MA. O-BA-MA." It's really fortunate for Barack that his last name has three syllables. It doesn't have the same ring to it when you chant "MC-CAIN, MC-CAIN." Sort of just sounds like you're chanting Mick Cane, which sounds like the name of a crusty longshoreman in New Jersey.

By:|February 28, 2008


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Creepy or Sexy? The Olsen Twins

Remember when the Olsen Twins were getting ready to turn 18? There was chaos in the streets, men were visibly weeping and Jesus himself was shitting his pants. But now, when I look at them I sometimes see either Gollum or one of those troll dolls with the crazy hair. So which one is it? Are they the sexy sirens that caused the son of God to drop a load on himself or are they just weird looking gremlin girls who happen to be worth billions of dollars? (I know it's common knowledge that one of them is hotter than the other, but to me they're one big mashup of clown clothes, eyeliner and future suicides.) Before you submit one of those "you would totally have sex with them" comments, let me save you some time. Of course I would have sex with them. I'm a man. I would have sex with a lawn chair if I could find the right lube. The question is whether they're creepy or not.

By:|February 28, 2008


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Drink This: Lucid Absinthe

Absinthe is back. After being banned for nearly 100 years, the mythical licorice-flavored spirit is now legally sold in both the US and Europe and it's your duty to see what all the fuss is about. But first, a history lesson. The legend that absinthe has hallucinogenic properties is false. In late 19th Century Paris, absinthe was very popular among the artists and bohemian culture. Social conservatives (i.e. Republicans) and the local wine industry (worried about losing market share to the up-and-coming absinthe) joined forces to promote a propaganda campaign against the green spirit and claimed that the wormwood shrub used to make it contained a chemical called Thujone which made humans delirious and "made a ferocious beast of a man, a martyr of a woman and a degenerate of an infant." A few murders were blamed on it and petitions were quickly signed all over Europe to ban the drink. The problem is, there's not nearly enough Thujone in absinthe to make you go bonkers and there's no scientific evidence that Thujone even has any affect on humans. But having said that, you don't want to start shooting absinthe like it's Happy Hour at Applebee's. At 124 proof, Lucid has an alcohol content that can put you on your ass faster than you can say "I love to drink more than I love my family." Mix it with a little water and sugar like they did back in the day. It'll help you stay upright and it will make you look like you're civilized gentleman. Go here to see how to drink it like Ernest Hemingway, Oscar Wilde and Vincent Van Gogh. Lucid is the first traditional absinthe to be released in the US market since the 2007 ban was lifted. Pick up a bottle today for $60. Buy it here.

By:|February 28, 2008


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How To: Get Laid In 40 Seconds

   Buy some rubbers and get some ointment for that rash. We're gonna get you some sex,fast. 1. Always be ready If you're going to get laid in less than a minute, you need to look like a guy who can get laid in less than a minute. So make not being a slob your new default setting. Tuck in your shirt, wear clothes that match, don't let your hair be messy and,this is important,wear nice shoes. It's all about first impressions and some girls aren't aroused by your kitschy Thundercats t-shirt. Bitches. 2. Get the lay of the land Wherever you are,bar, club, wedding, bail bond office,you need to observe the scene. Is there a girl who got separated from her friends? Did another guy just crash and burn? Swoop in! Better yet, read body language to find a girl who is blatantly interested in sex. Is she biting or licking her lips? Playing with her hair or necklace while she's looking at you? Cupping her breasts and foaming at the mouth? Then you've got yourself a target!

By:|February 28, 2008


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Kate Beckinsale Loves Her Bits

Sometimes you just love your genitals so much you have to tell Allure magazine about it. According to egotastic.com: Speaking to Allure magazine, Kate Beckinsale reveals: "I've only ever had about three boyfriends. Only a handful of people have seen into the Pharaoh's Tomb!" Kate sinks to lower depths when asked about her best feature. She gushes: "My best feature is unfortunately a private matter, although I'm told it is spectacular. But you can't really walk it down the red carpet. What can I say?" After a giggling fit, Kate then enlighten the interviewer, by silently mouthing the magical words: "My twat." I don't think anyone would mind if Kate really wanted to walk her vagina down the red carpet. In fact, I would guaran-damn-tee that the Oscar ratings would be much, much, much, much higher than they were this year. C'mon Beckinsale, take one for the team.               

By:|February 28, 2008


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Tom Cruise Has Gift For J-Lo

Jennifer Lopez and that weird thing she's married to have had their kids. Now it's presents time. But what will all their celebrity friends get them? "Jennifer and Marc have been bowled over with so many congratulations messages, cards, flowers, balloons, you name it. "They have also been sent many gifts from family, friends and fans. However, there was one particular present that really proved unique: "Tom and Katie wanted to get them something different and special so they thought a giant fish tank would be great. I always find it strange when someone gets you a present that will force you to rearrange shit in your house to make room for it. A giant fish tank is not something you get and say "Oh, I'll put that next to the fern we have in the living room." They might as well have been like "Hey, I got you a panic room. I was figuring we could install it in your bathroom or something." Anyway, I got invited to the baby shower, and I snapped a pic of the tank. I haven't been sleeping well since.

By:|February 28, 2008


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Chevy Tahoe Hybrid

Alright, it's a Friday night. You've just done back and bi's at the gym. You and some of the other super sweet bros from the sales team want to cruise for some special ladies. You need a car that will not only make you look cool, but that will also have room for the three wheeler you tell people you have, but don't. The car for you is the Tahoe. One problem, you care about the enviroment. The answer then, is the new Chevy Tahoe Hybrid. Uncrate.com gives us the specs: Offering up to 50% better city fuel economy over the non-hybrid Tahoe, the eco-friendly version has an estimated MPG of 21 city/22 highway for the 2WD model, and 20 city/20 highway for the 4WD model. Both pack in a Vortec 6.0L V8 engine with Active Fuel Management technology, which automatically shifts from 8 to 4 cylinders when less power is needed. This can all be yours for.... $50,490. Bro! Come on! Bro, let's negotiate.

By:|February 27, 2008


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Angie Harmon Loves John McCain

I was undecided as to who I was going to vote for in the presidential election. That is, until now! Usmagazine.com reports: Add Angie Harmon to the list of celebrities publicly supporting their favorite presidential hopefuls. Her pick? Republican John McCain. "There are a lot more people in L.A. voting for McCain than you think, Harmon said in the newest issue of Us Weekly, on newsstands now. "We have an underground Republican Party! The chick from one of the three Law & Orders is picking McCain?! Holy shit, the democrats are in trouble! They're only hope is to win the endorsement of the "Can You Hear Me Now" guy from those Verizon commercials, otherwise it's over folks, it's over. In order to truly show you how little people in America give a fuck about Angie Harmon's endorsement for President, I went ahead and made a color coded map of the United States.

By:|February 27, 2008


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Put A Bowling Alley In Your House

You know why no one wants to come over to your house? Aside from the fact that your couch smells like Cheetos and your dog rubs its ass all over everything, you also don't have a freakin' bowling alley. But all that can change now. According to Oh Gizmo: United Bowling, a Florida based company will install a 2 lane, full regulation length bowling alley in your home complete with genuine AMF and Brunswick equipment like pin stackers and ball returns. You'll need a minimal area that's 88 feet long, 12 feet wide with a 10 foot ceiling, but if the kids have moved out there's no reason not to demolish their bedrooms in order to make room for such an awesome upgrade. Of course at $88,000 it's not a cheap upgrade, but if it was worth it to Daniel Plainview, then it's worth it to me. So, it only takes $88,000 for you to be just like the There Will Be Blood guy and the President (those are the only two people I know with bowling alleys in their houses.) You may not have the murderous rage, the calculating will to succeed or even the love of milk shakes (and you still have that problem with your dog), but you will have a bowling alley. And that's gotta count for something. Buy it here.

By:|February 27, 2008


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Orlando Bloom Smells Like Crap

I always thought that when you're really good looking, it's okay to smell like shit. Starmagazine.com reports: Orlando Bloom is back with his on-again, off-again girlfriend, Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr, but it won't last unless he kicks up his personal hygiene, friends warn. "Miranda thinks Orlando is too smelly. Recently, she asked him if he could wash his clothes and perhaps shower more often." Hmmm, apparently Miranda doesn't know that Orlando Bloom can shit his pants and 99% of the female population will still blow him. I'd be a little more careful with the demands. But seriously, what's the point of being rich and good looking if you still have to maintain your personal hygiene? Like, I'm poor and unattractive and I have to make sure smell like an Old Spice truck crashed into a rose garden or I can kiss any chance of getting laid goodbye. If you're telling me that when I get rich and...still unattractive I'm going to have maintain that, that's a tough pill to swallow. Now I'm depressed. No more posts today.

By:|February 27, 2008