I Want To Eat A Piece Of Your Boob
In case you're wondering, that's a cake she's pointing at. A wedding cake. Of herself. I for one, am inspired. Why buy some cake you see at every wedding? Pffft, fucking lame. In fact, I dig this so much, I've decided to design my own wedding cake as well. Here's my bakers first attempt:
By:|January 7, 2008
Rachel Bilson Wants You To Remove Your Pants
Why is it when I watch this video, I get the feeling that these two A)have never spoken to, or made eye contact with, a homeless person and B)fucked like rabbits right after the shoot was done. I bet the original idea was for them to be on the streets talking to actual homeless people, and Bilson was like "Ew, gross. I'm not touching one of those things. And where are my fucking Rice Crispy Treats with M&Ms in them?!" Then Hayden Christiansen was like "She's right, I heard if you touch them, the part of you that touches them gets AIDS. Also, seriously, where are the Rice Crispy's with the M&Ms, I'm not eating these fucking Mallow Bars."
By:|January 7, 2008
Nicole Kidman Pregnant. Dingoes Very Excited.
The news you've been waiting for is finally official. Australian super-couple Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are expecting a little joey. According to popsugar: Their rep said, "Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban confirmed today that they are expecting a baby. The couple are thrilled. Area dingoes were contacted to respond to the news and had this to say: We're very happy for Nicole and Keith and look forward to eating their beautiful, healthy baby.
By:|January 7, 2008
Taco Belle: American Gladiator’s Crush
Age: 25 Real Name: Gina Cerano Where you've seen her: Unless you're a fan of the Showtime EliteXC fighting world, you've only seen her on NBC's new incarnation of American Gladiators. Tantalizing Trivia: She is, by far, the only attractive female gladiator out there. And after the new allegations that Militia is linked to the gay porn industry, I'm not so sure who's at the bottom of the AG totem poll. Oh, wait, yes I do. It's this monster named Hellga: To get the taste of that out of your mouth check out more images of Crush. (It's going to take more than photos to get anything out of Militia's mouth.)
By:|January 7, 2008
The 10 Best Fat People Internet Videos
The bigger they come, the more hilarious they fall. 10. Fat Girl on Dirtbike It's not every day you get to see a great big fat person take a slow-motion tumble over the front of a fast-moving dirtbike. Unless you live in Des Moines. Fat Girl On Dirtbike - Watch more free videos Fat Kid Dive Failure - Watch more free videos 9. Fat Kid on Diving Board Two jumps on the board, falls onto his back and flops into the water. Textbook. The judges will surely give him high marks for that one.
By:|January 7, 2008
Fake Boner Pills Nabbed at Border
According to a report from reuters, French custom officials have intercepted a shipment of 224,000 fake Viagra and Cialis anti-impotence pills worth 2.4 million euros. "Branded Powergra and Erectalis, each box contained, in fact, four tablets in the characteristic shape and color of Viagra or Cialis pills." Erectalis? If you're so stupid that you buy a pill that has "Erectalis" written on it, you don't deserve to have a boner. You know what? I want to get in on this fake erection pill business. Here's a few I'd sell in my store aka a phone booth in times square.
By:|January 7, 2008
Tom Cruise is Mad. And Really Short
According to starmagazine.com, a new unauthorized biography about Tom Cruise is being released, and he's not happy. The book alleges that a small group of members of the Scientology sect "Sea org" have theorized that Katie Holmes was impregnated with frozen sperm from Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, who died in 1986. My cousin tried to use that excuse when his girlfriend got pregnant. You'd be surprised how little water that holds in court. I for one, do not believe that book's crazy accusation. Not for a second! In fact, I have proof it's untrue. Here's a never before seen photo at the moment of conception, of the sperm fertilizing the egg that became baby Suri. I don't like the smug look on Steve Guttenberg's sperm's face. I'd be mad if I was Tom Cruise too.
By:|January 6, 2008
Disgusting Child Roller Skates Under Cars
I'm not a big fan of kids. They're usually covered in snot and crumbs and they're always wanting something like dinner or vaccines. But it's even worse when they can unhinge their joints and roller skate around like spiders. This Indian kid named Aniket Chindak can roller skate under 11.8 inches for 196 feet. He's planning on breaking his current world record of 57 cars with a 100-car skate sometime soon. I can't quite make out why he's doing this, because I almost puked halfway through this video. Fuck, this kid gives me the creeps.
By:|January 6, 2008
Ron Paul Supporters Will Fight You
As an American citizen, it's your duty to get involved with the political process. Sometimes that means finding a candidate and going to a rally to support him or her. And sometimes, if you're a Ron Paul supporter, it means becoming part of an angry mob and chasing Fox news' Sean Hannity down the street, screaming "You suck Sean!" The only thing missing from this video is pitchforks and fire. I wasn't a Ron Paul supporter before this, but I must say, it looks like fun.
By:|January 6, 2008
Dr. Phil Talks Some Stupid Into Britney
So, over the weekend, Dr. Phil went down to see Britney Spears, not because there's hundreds of photographers there and it's free promotion for him, but because he cares people, he cares. "I went to see Britney at the request of her family, I talked to [her mother] Lynne, I talked to [her father] Jamie, I talked to Bryan, her brother. Lucky for me, I was in the bed next to Britney, recovering from penis reduction surgery, and I overheard the whole thing. Here's a portion of the transcript: (Nurse leads Doctor Phil in to Britney's room) DR. PHIL: BRITNEY! YOU NEED TO STOP THIS OUT OF CONTROL BEHAVIOR AND LOVE YOURSEL....okay the nurse's gone. Listen to me. I just left a room at the Four Seasons filled with three naked whores, two jars of peanut butter and that little kid who played Webster, just to come here, so you're gonna make this worth my while by telling everyone I helped you and then coming on my show next week. BRITNEY: Hold on, let me look at my calendar,...Yeah, no, sorry, that week is filled. Says here I have to "stab myself with a pen and wander the streets eating garbage," that week. DR. PHIL: What about the week after? BRITNEY: Mmm, gonna be tough, looks like I have to "bang a drifter than attempt to find Nancy Reagan and rub my doody on her." Not really sure how long that one is gonna take.
By:|January 6, 2008
BF Wonders If GF Is Delicious. Finds Out.
Every good woman knows that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But Texas woman Jana Shearer took that old saying a little too far when her boyfriend Christopher Lee McCuin murdered her and then cooked parts of her body. According to CNN: When authorities arrived at the home, they found Shearer's mutilated body, one ear boiling in a pot of water on the stove and a fork sticking out of some human flesh sitting on a plate on the kitchen table. Authorities said it was unclear whether McCuin consumed any part of Shearer's body. "We cannot prove that he did," Smith told The Associated Press. "He was either going to, had been or led us to think that he was doing it." I know everyone's going to jump on the "He did an unspeakable thing" bandwagon. But is it his fault that he was dating a delicious woman? Is it her fault that her muscle tissue went perfectly with a nice Chianti and some brussel sprouts? See, every story has two sides. Much like Jana Shearer's body.
By:|January 6, 2008
This Soccer Goalie Is A Sucker
If you think your Monday sucks, try being this goalie. The funny part is, he probably got shot or stabbed for letting this goal in. (That's funny, right?)
By:|January 6, 2008
MILF Monday: Kate Beckinsale
Age: 34 Where you've seen her: She said stuff in Van Helsing, Pearl Harbor, Vacancy and Click. All of those movies sucked, but you didn't care because you got to see Kate Beckinsale saying stuff. Tantalizing trivia: She's made a career of being the second choice. She replaced Charlize Theron in Pearl Harbor and Sarah Jessica HorseFace Parker in Click. This should be an inspiration to all you actresses out there. If you're hot enough, uglier actresses will turn down roles and desperate directors will cast you no matter how shittily you read your lines. Is she really a MILF? Oh lord yes. Her water broke and everything when she had a daughter (Lily Mo Sheen) with boyfriend Michael Sheen in 1999.
By:|January 6, 2008
Geeks Have Stupid Weddings
If you think dressing up as a comic book character is a good way to make special occasions all the more meaningful, then you are a dork. Take off the tights, Batman. It's your wedding. If you really love your wife you'll let her max out your credit cards on flowers and a shitty DJ and roast beef for your family members you can't stand. Hmmm, wait, nevermind. Put the tights back on. You nerds are onto something.
By:|January 5, 2008
Male Monkeys Pay For Sex Just Like You
According to a new scientific investigation, male monkeys aren't so different than my uncle. A study into our primate cousins found that male macaques pay for intercourse by using grooming as a currency. On average, females had sex 1.5 times per hour. But this rate jumped to 3.5 times per hour immediately after the female had been groomed by a male -- and her partner of choice was likely to be a hunky monkey that did the grooming. Pfffft, please. Those monkey's have it easy. Try grooming a vegas hooker and see what that buys you. Market forces also acted on the value of the transaction. If there were several females in the area, the cost of buying sex would drop dramatically -- a male could "buy" a female for just eight minutes of nit-picking. First you pick all the bugs off of her, THEN you hump her. I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten that rule. Those monkeys, they're always thinking. I gain more respect for them with each day that passes.
By:|January 4, 2008
Everyone Wants to Do Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton. In a landslide, actually. Over 7,000 votes were cast and 59% of Holy Taco readers said they'd rather do the blond haired, rail thin, mess of a human being, than the blond haired, chubby, mess of a human being. As usual, here's real reactions from ACTUAL readers Neil K., justOnePlate.com - "I'd choose Paris Hilton because she's like a champion thoroughbred: She's physically built for sex and handled by the best trainers money can buy. Her lineage is top pedigree and she's just entering the twilight of an illustrious career. Britney is like an Ecuadorian donkey." Stevie P. - "They're both vile. I'd burn my penis off after doing either." Eli K. - "I'd rather get an std than sleep with a fat chick."
By:|January 4, 2008
Un-Lock Of The Weekend
"Please don't pick us Holy Taco, you suck." I lost again last week. Again. I'm 1-4. Why does God hate me? Is it because I crapped in a box and brought it to a secret Santa party? I feel so lost right now, and not like the people on that show "Lost." They're way more attractive than me. Except for the fat guy. Although he's got all his hair...I hate everyone. On to this week's un-lock: SEAHAWKS (-3.5) over Redskins The game is at Seattle and they're tougher at home than Chris Beniot. I'm going to hell for that joke and it wasn't even good. Anyway, the Redskins offense stinks. Todd Collins has been playing well, but that's just because he can't believe he's playing, let alone winning. Once he realizes he's the starting QB of a playoff team, he'll shit the bed worse than I did in Boy Scouts when I ate a weird mushroom on a dare. So, anyway, I'm taking the 'Hawks, which means y ou should probably take the 'Skins. Because I'm a loser. MY PROMISE TO YOU: Because I'm such a loser, if I lose this week, I will NEVER write this column again. That's right, Lock of the Weekend will be gone. Thank you, that is all. RECORD: 1-4 MONEY WON/LOST: -370
By:|January 3, 2008
