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Put A Bowling Alley In Your House

You know why no one wants to come over to your house? Aside from the fact that your couch smells like Cheetos and your dog rubs its ass all over everything, you also don't have a freakin' bowling alley. But all that can change now. According to Oh Gizmo: United Bowling, a Florida based company will install a 2 lane, full regulation length bowling alley in your home complete with genuine AMF and Brunswick equipment like pin stackers and ball returns. You'll need a minimal area that's 88 feet long, 12 feet wide with a 10 foot ceiling, but if the kids have moved out there's no reason not to demolish their bedrooms in order to make room for such an awesome upgrade. Of course at $88,000 it's not a cheap upgrade, but if it was worth it to Daniel Plainview, then it's worth it to me. So, it only takes $88,000 for you to be just like the There Will Be Blood guy and the President (those are the only two people I know with bowling alleys in their houses.) You may not have the murderous rage, the calculating will to succeed or even the love of milk shakes (and you still have that problem with your dog), but you will have a bowling alley. And that's gotta count for something. Buy it here.

By:|February 27, 2008


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Orlando Bloom Smells Like Crap

I always thought that when you're really good looking, it's okay to smell like shit. Starmagazine.com reports: Orlando Bloom is back with his on-again, off-again girlfriend, Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr, but it won't last unless he kicks up his personal hygiene, friends warn. "Miranda thinks Orlando is too smelly. Recently, she asked him if he could wash his clothes and perhaps shower more often." Hmmm, apparently Miranda doesn't know that Orlando Bloom can shit his pants and 99% of the female population will still blow him. I'd be a little more careful with the demands. But seriously, what's the point of being rich and good looking if you still have to maintain your personal hygiene? Like, I'm poor and unattractive and I have to make sure smell like an Old Spice truck crashed into a rose garden or I can kiss any chance of getting laid goodbye. If you're telling me that when I get rich and...still unattractive I'm going to have maintain that, that's a tough pill to swallow. Now I'm depressed. No more posts today.

By:|February 27, 2008


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Kevin Federline Line Is Year Older, Stupider

Vegas has some of the best magicians in the world.  Some make tigers disappear.  Some make people levitate.  And some perform the greatest trick of all, finding a way to become millionaires without any talent, skills, or education. People.com reports: Kevin Federline will take a break from parenting on March 21st to celebrate his birthday. Just like at his 29th birthday, Federline will celebrate at Caesar's Palace's Pure nightclub.  Last year, his parents and even ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson attended the bash at the club. Oooh his parents came!  Nice!  Does anyone else think this smells like one of those birthday parties in elementary school where the fat stinky kid in school invited the whole class to his birthday and no one showed up except the kids whose parents forced them to go?  Me too.  Now I feel bad because I was that kid for a couple years (thyroid problem, no excuse for the stinky).  The way I dealt with getting people to come to my parties was simple: Bouncy room.  Maybe that would work for him.

By:|February 26, 2008


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Give-A-Wednesday: Win MLB 08 The Show for PS3

Write a caption of Greg Valentino, my favorite roid head, and you can win a copy of MLB 08 The Show for PS3. And now thanks for the miracles of modern medicine, the 400 homer season you rack up in this game won't be far off from the real thing. As usual, leave your captions in the in the comments section. Winners will be notified via email (so leave your email address.) See last week's winners after the jump.

By:|February 26, 2008


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48% Of Teens Didn’t Buy A CD Last Year

In a report that shocked only the crappy corporate music industry and possibly the Braillettes, it looks like fewer and fewer teens are buying CDs these days. According to MacWorld.com: The popularity of the iTunes Store has propelled Apple to the number two music retailer spot in the US, following only Wal-Mart, according to market research firm NPD. The report from NPD also showed a decrease of CD sales as younger buyers continue to shun traditional media in greater numbers. NPD says that 48 percent of US teens did not purchase a single CD in 2007, compared to 38 percent in 2006. The report estimates that one million consumers dropped out of the CD buyer market in 2007. The real tragedy in the migration to digital music downloads is that some day the fine art of CD and album cover creation will be gone forever. What will happen to hardworking artists like Jose Angel? Jose clearly knows the importance of marketing and put in a lot of time and effort into his album cover. To commemorate their importance, check out some of the greatest CD and album covers ever after the jump.

By:|February 26, 2008


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Denise Milani Is My New Breast Friend

Denise Milani should be ashamed of herself. Her treatment of shirts is deplorable. There are people in Africa (and parts of Central America, according to my dad's National Geographic magazine) who don't even have shirts of their own and there she is totally stretching hers out with both of her mammoth shirt-destroying feedbags. What kind of example are we setting for the shirtless Third World when our own celebrities are blatantly treating their shirts with such utter disregard? Now that Darfur is fixed (I assume) can we get the UN or Angelina Jolie or Juggs Magazine on this terrible crisis?                    

By:|February 26, 2008


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New Air Jordan’s: From The Future?

Remember when you were little and you wanted a pair of Air Jordan's but instead your mom bought you L.A Gear and everyone made fun of you?  You probably don't, but I do.  Walking into the shoe store and coming out with L.A. Gear was like going into a Hooters and getting the 43 year-old waitress with asthma who they can't fire for legal reasons.  Anyway, I wanted those Air Jordan's but they were too expensive and guess what, they still are.  They cost 185.00 which I think is unjustified.  I mean, Jordan is amazing and potentially the greatest athlete of our generation, but as soon as you start doing commercials with Kevin Bacon, the price of your shoe should drop.  That's all I'm saying. You can see them up close here.

By:|February 26, 2008


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Starbucks Shuts Down: Chaos Ensues

All right, no one freak out. Just breathe in and out through your nose because I'm about to lay some FRIGHTENING shit on you. Fox reports: Coffee giant Starbucks announced this month that it would close most of its 7,000 U.S. stores for three hours on the evening of Feb. 26. The decision to close the stores was made so that the 135,000 managers and other employees can be re-trained. Three hours?! Are they insane? I saw a woman in line at a Starbucks once scream at a man and call him a "fucking imbecile" because he took about one minute too long to decide what he wanted. Also, why the hell do they need to retrain the employees? What was going on before this? Were the employees just dumping water and coffee beans in to a cup and then handing it out? It's fucking coffee, not brain surgery or celebrity blogging. As soon as word got out about this story, pretty much all of Los Angeles went ape shit. Women and men were getting into their BMWs and driving straight into oncoming traffic. Gun fire was heard everywhere, babies screaming. And still, the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf was empty. I got an aerial picture of Malibu, it's not going well over there:

By:|February 25, 2008


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Marion Cotillard Did A Nude Scene

Marion Cotillard, the girl who won the Oscar for her portrayal of that person you've never heard of in that movie you didn't see, apparently did a nude scene in a 2001 movie you also didn't see. To stop all this "not seeing" that's going on, click on the image or watch it here. Also, this performance may sway your vote in our "Who Would You Rather Do" poll on the right. Cast your votes accordingly.

By:|February 25, 2008


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Jason Bourne Is Back!

Apparently there are people out there who haven't had their asses kicked, because Jason Bourne is back. Popsugar.com reports: Matt Damon and director Paul Greengrass are both lined up for a fourth installment of the Bourne franchise. Wait, wasn't the last one called "The Bourne Ultimatum?" Why won't they leave Jason Bourne alone?! He gave them a f-ing Ultimatum! When my girlfriend said to me "I'm giving you an ultimatum; either stop masturbating next to me in bed while I sleep, or I'm breaking up with you," I listened! I didn't try to do it one more time even though an episode of Saved By The Bell silently played on our TV! I refuse to believe people are going to continue to screw with Jason Bourne. Movie studios are losing credibility with me. Anyway, I got a hold of the poster for this new one where they try to address that.

By:|February 25, 2008


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Brooke Hogan’s Boobs Go Straight Up

When you've been followed around by paparazzi and have been in a few tabloids, you might think that you wouldn't do some things that make you look a little stupid when you're wearing nothing but a bikini on a public beach. Brooke Hogan apparently doesn't feel that way. That's why she decided to jump up and down 50 times to a few cameras could catch her ta-tas in fully flying form. Maybe she's trying to emulate the Hulkster's rhythmic celebratory post-match pectoral dancing. Or maybe she's just stupid. Take a look at the pics below. Special thanks to reader Marcus L. for the last one. Enjoy Hulk's famous "Dookie" scene after the jump.

By:|February 25, 2008


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Science Fair Photos Are Hilarious, Informative

Photobasement.com put together a list of 41 amazing Science Fair experiments and their creators. And I think we can all learn a little from each and every one of these. Did you know that garlic was the silent killer? Are you wondering if crystal meth is a friend...or a foe? I'd like to thank these pimpled, awkward geeks for enlightening us to all these pressing scientific questions and I'd like to thank my parents for never ever taking my photo in front of any of my science fairs. (I only included the guy for his sweater.)

By:|February 25, 2008


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Taco Belle: Jemimah Goosen

Um, I'm going to be honest and say that the only thing I know about Jemimah Goosen is that she was in some Cosmo lingerie competition. I don't think she won, but I'm not going to hold that against her. But I can think of something else I might hold against her. (Hint: It rhymes with "my penis.")                     

By:|February 25, 2008


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Creepy Or Sexy: Anne Hathaway

Let's introduce some evidence.  The picture above is from the Oscars, last night.  I can't say for certain, but I think I can actually see through her skin to the people behind her.  I feel like even people in Ireland would be grossed out by how pale she was.  But then sometimes I see her and think she's really hot.  I'm so confused.  I feel like I did after I walked out of No Country For Old Men, except I'm not being bombarded by a group of hipsters telling me "You just don't get it."

By:|February 24, 2008


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The 1st Annual Holy TacOscars!

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the 1st Holy Tacoscars. We don't have a host, but if we did, it'd be these guys: Now, on to the awards: BEST PICTURE....TO LOOK AT WHEN I WANT TO HOLD OFF AN ORGASM: Elton John, Harrison Ford, Calista Flockhart I'm not sure if this is a photo, or a drawing the three of them got at Six Flags Magic Mountain. Is that Calista Flockhart or that weird thing that rides the tricycle in the Saw movies? BEST VAGINA IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Sarah Larson I have no idea who this girl is and I don't care. I'm not even going to look it up. What I do know is, Clooney may have lost Best Actor to Daniel Day Lewis, but I'm pretty sure he didn't give a shit because he was holding his own awards later. Sources tell me the award for Best Penis Inside Sarah Larson went to Clooney and he gave an 8 hour acceptance speech which consisted of banging the crap out of her and ocassionally thanking his mom and Harvey Weinstein.

By:|February 24, 2008


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What The Hell Happened In January?

Google Trends is a program that keeps track of how often people put certain key words into Google. You can go to Google.com/trends, type in a couple key words and you can see how one relates to another, in terms of popularity. In the graph above, you can observe that the blue line, which represents the amount of times Google users have searched for "ass to mouth," has enjoyed a steady and consistent search history. The red line, on the other hand, which represents "anal fisting," saw a spectacular spike in January of 2006 and has continued to be quite a popular search term. (This isn't a photoshopped graph. See it here.) I'm not sure what caused this upswing, but I'm glad to know that anal fisting is finally enjoying the popularity it richly deserves.

By:|February 24, 2008


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Gary Busey Is The Weirdest Weirdo

In the world of celebrities, Gary Busey is up there with Pottsy from Happy Days and Huckleberry Hound. Which makes me wonder how he got a ticket to the Oscars. Either way, he made the most of his 10 seconds by harrassing Ryan Seacrest and trying to make out with Jennifer Garner. This is a man who knows how to make a lasting impression. If there was a Best Supporting Douchebag Oscar, he would win it.

By:|February 24, 2008


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Ted Kennedy Is A Bad Singer

Ted kennedy Sings In Spanish - Watch more free videos Ted Kennedy was in Laredo, Texas, campaigning for Barack Obama. He's trying to win the latino vote, but with lyrics like these, I don't think he's winning many fans.

By:|February 23, 2008


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World’s Biggest Dork?

Biggest dork ever - Watch more free videos If you think you have trouble getting laid, you won't after watching this guy. My favorite part of this is when he references Japanese anime, then tells his prospective date that it's okay if they don't know about it, because if they date him, they'll learn plenty. If you listen closely, right after he says that you can hear the sound of millions of vaginas simultaneously clamping shut.

By:|February 22, 2008


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By:|February 22, 2008