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Creepy or Sexy: Christina Ricci

I can't decide how I feel about Christina Ricci. On one hand she's thin, she has nice cheekbones and she's a pretty good actor. On the other, she's a dwarf who can sometimes look like a 75-year old hobbit. Tell me which side of the Ricci fence you're on. Also, see an uncensored photo of her tattoo here. Also, one time a monkey attacked her boob.                     Photos courtesy of egotastic.com

By:|February 21, 2008


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Heidi Montag And Spencer Pratt Make Video Game

I wish I could stop writing about these two gobs of stupid but it's like they beg me to do it.  Get a load of this crap: According to Us Magazine, Heidi Montag and her main man Spencer Pratt plan on developing a Heidi and Spencer video game Spencer revealed that he is working with Electronic Arts' on the game and that "it's top secret" and "everyone will be addicted."  He also mentioned that there will be two versions - one for adults and one for minors The only way this game will be addicting is if it's made of cocaine in which case they better not let either of these two around the factory that's making them.  What the hell could the premise of this game possibly be?  Maybe you play as either Heidi or Spencer and the goal is to go through an entire day being a completely useless asshole.  Like, you go to a Pinkberry to get a frozen Yogurt and a woman carrying a baby and groceries drops her wallet at the register, and the longer you stare at her struggling to pick it up the more points you get.

By:|February 20, 2008


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Animatronic Animals Love Them Some Fergie

Remember going to Showbiz Pizza and Chuck E. Cheese as a kid and seeing those creepy robot animal bands playing some crappy versions of hit songs and their own personal compositions about how much they loved pizza? Well, some computer whiz who apparently works at a Chuck E. Cheese waited until all the kiddies went home and put on his own show by programming these herky-jerky monsters to play "London Bridge" by Fergie, another herky-jerky monster. The camera work is a little off, but anyone who was forced to go to a shitty pizza party at one of these establishments as a child will appreciate this.

By:|February 20, 2008


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A Brief History of Boobs

History Of Boobs - Watch more free videos You may think Holy Taco is only about making you laugh, but sometimes, we feel it's our duty to educate our readers about the world in which we live in. One of the things in that world is boobs. We were either going to make a video called "A Brief History of The Tax Code" or this video. I still think the tax code one could have been cool. One last thing: NSFW NSFW NSFW

By:|February 20, 2008


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Las Vegas Has The Fattest Slots Around

Dear People of Las Vegas, Congratulations! In a nation packed full of big fat tubs of shit, you are the biggest and the fattest tubs of all! According to Men's Fitness, you people are more disgusting than people who live anywhere else. I would like to be the first to commend you on inspiring all of us to get an extra heaping helping of mashed potatoes, to choose the motorized cart instead of walking around Wal-Mart, to courageously sit when all others stand. But while Vegas deserves our praise, let us not overlook Texas, which managed to win this year's award for Fattest State (6 of the ten fattest cities! Way to go!) Apparently everything is bigger in the Lone Star State, including the fatasses who live there. Love, Holy Taco For the full article and to find out how fat you and your neighbors are, click here.

By:|February 20, 2008


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Gene Simmons Has A Sex Tape

There are a few people in the world that I don't want to see having sex. Some of them are: Penn Gillette, Arnold Palmer, Frank Stallone, that cerebral palsy chick from Facts of Life, Flozell Adams, Burt Wolf, Brian Dunkelman, Maxi Priest, Scottie Pippen, Rachel Dratch and Louie Anderson. I used to think that Gene Simmons was on that list, but I just watched his sex tape he made with some Australian model known only as Elsa. See, you learn something new about yourself every day.

By:|February 20, 2008


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Gran Turismo Releases Bad Ass Steering Wheel

The makers of Gran Turismo understand that it sucks to live with your mom and have trouble finding people that will have sex with you.  So, they know that if they can create a game that's life-like enough, you can pretend you're a race car driver who's just visiting his mom and that chooses not to have sex with people.  That's why they're releasing the Logitech Driving Force GT Wheel to be used while you play GT.  Here's what it boasts: 24-position realtime adjustment dial: Fine-tune brake bias, TCS, and damper settings on the fly for unprecedented control over your car's performance. 900-degree wheel rotation: Go 2.5 times around lock to lock, just as you would behind the wheel of many real cars Force feedback technology: Feel every inch of the road for maximum control and the ultimate racing experience. Gas and brake pedals: Get precise throttle and brake response with true-to-life pedals. Sequential stick shift: Go through the gears for the ultimate control. Upon reading this I realize my mid 90s ford has not one of these features.  I'm actually wondering if I can just buy this thing and somehow get it to work in my piece of shit car.  Yeah, that's right, blogging isn't all fancy cars and naked chicks.  It's mid 90s fords with electrical problems and naked chicks.  Anyway, this bad boy can be yours for 150 bucks right HERE.

By:|February 19, 2008


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Give-A-Wednesday: Win A Limited Edition Jenna Jameson “Shadow Hunter” Lithograph

OK, nerds. You've been waiting for this contest longer than you've been waiting for that your crappy mustache to come in. Write a caption for the above photo from Jenna Jameson's new comic titled Shadow Hunter. The best caption will win a LIMITED EDITION LITHOGRAPH OF SHADOW HUNTER which you can promptly put in a sealed baggy and never look at or touch. A couple runner ups will win a comic. As usual, leave your caption in the comments section. Winners will be notified via email (be sure to leave your email, dumbass.) Check out the trailer for the video here. And check out the cover of the comic below. See last week's winners after the jump.

By:|February 19, 2008


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Lindsay’s Dad Not A Fan Of Her Naked Pics

Sometimes when you're a really shitty dad like Lindsay Lohan's dad, and you don't talk to your kids and instead get drunk and make pleas to see them on television and morning radio shows, you get really excited when you get to say stuff that you think good dads say.  Usmagazine.com reports: Michael Lohan still hasn't seen those topless shots of his daughter Lindsay. "I'm not going to look at the photos - that's my daughter!" said her father Michael Lohan. Good for you Michael Lohan!  You sir, are a number one dad.  Here's some other stuff Michael Lohan says he won't do. Videotape his daughter having sex then sell the video for profit Shoot paint balls at his daughter from point blank range Light his daughter on fire Man, what a dad!  In fact, I think he deserves a shirt!

By:|February 19, 2008


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How To: Become a Scientologist

  Want to be cool like Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman and the rest of Hollywood's A-list? Here's your blueprint. 1. Take a free personality test Called the Oxford Capacity Analysis and administered by two Scientology volunteers, this will help you find the weak areas in your life. (Some example questions: "Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?" "Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it?") Here's a list of all the questions, along with what the church considers the "right" answers. Cheat away right here! 2. Hit the bank and the books (in that order) You need to attend classes, and that means paying some fees. Sorry,"fixed donations." Entry-level courses will run you 50,100 bucks, but to make the upper reaches of Scientology you need to take higher-level courses, and that ain't cheap. (One estimate puts the cost of reaching the church's highest level at $380,000.) Can't afford classes? Then you can't be a member. But the church will take you on as an employee to recruit people who have more money. 3. Don't be gay or a journalist (Sorry, Anderson Cooper) Well, you can technically "be" gay, but you have to be an "ethics in" homosexual, which means you can't actually "have" any homosexual sex. So you can see why they only let ultra-macho dudes like Tom Cruise and John Travolta become members. Journalists, on the other hand, aren't allowed anywhere near Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard.

By:|February 19, 2008


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TVs Explode Better In Slow Motion

Watching shit blow up is as American as baseball, apple pie and morbid obesity. If anyone has a video of a morbidly obese baseball player exploding while eating an apple pie, please send that to me immediately. You would be a true American. More TVs exploding at GeekAbout.com

By:|February 19, 2008


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Taco Belle: Saskia Howard-Clarke

Saskia Howard-Clarke was on the UK's version of Big Brother 6. Since I don't get the BBC, I only know two things about this girl. And she's holding both of them in that photo.               

By:|February 19, 2008


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David Beckham Plays Soccer?

I'm a little freaked out here, but apparently David Beckham plays soccer.  I know, I know, I thought he was just a fashion model, but the above photos show him with soccer equipment.  And this article right here says he plays professionally: David Beckham joined his Galaxy teammates in Hawaii for the first Pan-Pacific Soccer Championship.  Becks looks pretty happy to be back on the field. "It's my first time in Hawaii, so I'm looking forward to looking around and seeing the beaches and seeing everything that's beautiful here." Yeah, that definitely sounds like he's excited to be back on the field.  What with all those mentions of playing soccer and what not.  I had to check for myself, so I caught up with "Becks" at a Galaxy practice, where he was washing his car in the parking lot. ME: So, David, you excited to get back to playing? BECKHAM:  Playing what? ME: Soccer. BECKHAM:  Soccer?  What's that? ME: Oh, that's right, you guys call it football. BECKHAM:  Football?  What's that? ME: Um, the sport you used to play that made you famous?  The sport that the team you're on is practicing right there? (I point to the field where the Galaxy practice, Beckham looks in that direction, perplexed.  Daft Punk blares out of his H2) BECKHAM:  Oh, right, soccer.  Yeah, I play that sometimes.  Hey, do you know a good place where I can get a pedicure?  I'm all ashy right now.

By:|February 19, 2008


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Jessica Simpson Hates Fat People

Let's face it; being fat sucks.  You get all sweaty when you do stuff like play basketball or stand motionless.  But now, things just got a whole lot worse for our chubby brethren. usmagazine.com reports: Jessica Simpson's father Joe is being sued by fitness video company Speedfit for allegedly blocking the sale of a DVD starring his daughter. After signing a multi-million dollar contract, Jessica, 27 recorded a workout tape for Speedfit.  Jessica then changed her mind about doing the tape and her father banned its release. I like that her dad bans the release of a workout tape, but he executive produces a show on MTV thats success depends upon making his daughter look like a complete and total dumbshit. Now Speedfit owner Alex Astilean has filed suit against Joe after failing to secure a $10 million settlement from his daughter last year. "They are hurting millions of fat people in America!" Astilean tells Usmagazine.com. I love how this guy calls them "fat people."  You'd think the guy trying to make money off them would go a little more PC and say overweight or something, but no, this guy calls them as he sees them. Let's be clear here, Jessica Simpson is not hurting fat people.  There's two things hurting fat people. Tyra Banks speaking on their behalf. The fact that it's legal to buy this:

By:|February 18, 2008


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Matthew McConaughey Needs To Go Away

Holy shit. This is such an egregious act of douchebaggery I can't even begin to explain. This commercial is to being a douchebag, what Tiger Woods winning the Masters by 12 strokes was to Golf. This is insane. I love how at the end of it, McConaughey takes off his tuxedo shirt to reveal he doesn't even wear an undershirt under his tuxedo, then he sits on his couch and you think he's escaped the paparazzi, only to see once the shirt is off, a bunch of flash bulbs go off. And instead of McConaughey being like "What the-?! What are all these paparazzi doing in my apartment like they're throwing me a f-ing surprise party?," he just smiles. And it's not some smile like "this is awkward." No no. It's a smile that's a cross between "nine strippers are going to blow me in a couple minutes" and "hey check it out, TBS is broadcasting a marathon of Cheers." I can't even believe how douchey this is. I bet even Dane Cook watched this and was like "Wow, that McConaughey is a douchebag."

By:|February 18, 2008


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GPS That Leads You To Strip Clubs

The new-fangled GPS technology is designed to make sure you won't get lost on the way to grandma's house. But Nudar turns your standard GPS system into a granny-hating "nude radar" that leads you to strip clubs, nudist beaches and anywhere there's no underwear. In addition, it will let you know if the nearby strip club is all nude, bikini, pastie or topless (granny's favorite); if it offers a full bar or is BYOB. It supports Tom Tom, Garmin, Magellan and a few others. Sign up now for a 30-day free trial at Nudar.com.

By:|February 18, 2008


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Taco Belle: Meagan Good

Age: 26 Where You've Seen Her: You've seen Meagan Good in such cinema classics as "House Party 3," "Friday," "D.E.B.S.," "Stomp The Yard," and "You Got Served." You can probably see her enormous breasts from such places as "your rooftop," "anywhere," and "space." Tantalizing tidbit: She shares a birthday Scott Stapp, that douchebag from Creed, who somehow manages to be a bigger boob than both of Meagan's feedbags put together.                    

By:|February 18, 2008


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Lindsay Lohan Poses NUDE!

It's happened people! It's happened! Lindsay Lohan has showed her boobies! I'm feeling so many emotions right now: Happy, sad, confused, boner. Truth be told, I said a prayer for this a couple weeks ago, and now it's come true. My prayer has been answered! Now if the guy who cut me off in traffic last week has has a possum bite his penis off, I'm going be really freaked out. People.com reports: Recreating Monroe's legendary 1962 final photo shoot for Bert Stern with the veteran lensman himself. When it came to being nude before the camera, "I was comfortable with it," says Lohan, 21 - though Lindsay does admit to having done "250 crunches" the night before the shoot. And by crunches she means "lines of cocaine." Now, I know this isn't a "hold-open-the-naughty-parts" Hustler type spread, but don't worry. Tasteful nudes are gateway photo. First you start posing for them, and then you do a scene in a Werner Herzog film where Philip Seymour Hoffman teabags you, and before you know it, you're in Barely Legal with a snake wrapped around your neck and some dude who looks like Luke Perry covered in pam spray is filling your tank. To see the rest of the NS4W pics, click here.

By:|February 17, 2008


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“Pot Burger” Cop Demands Justice, Giggles

This cop is crying because some punk kids at a fast food restaurant fed him and his partner a pot-laced burger and basically got away with it because the judge was clearly a pot smoker himself (have you ever seen a judge with hair like that?) Anyway, here's how I imagine the cop's post-burger conversation went as they were driving around in the squad car. Cop #1: Oh man...could you imagine, like...jail? Cop #2: You mean, like, being in jail? Cop #1: Yeah. Jail. Cop #2: Oh man, no, no, no way man. That would be craazzy. Do you, like, feel OK? Cop #1: Man, I feel fiiiiiiiiine. I haven't felt this good since I was, like, 16. Cop #2: Me too, man. Hey, we should go back and get some more of those burgers. They were tast-to the motherfuckin'-eee. Cop #1: I'm so high right now. Let's run some red lights and beat up some homeless dudes. Cop #2: What did you say? Cop #1: Uhhh...I can't remember. Let me see....something about...I'm so high right now and...I wanna beat up some homeless dudes? Cop #2: Dude! I'm high too! [Both Laugh]

By:|February 17, 2008


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MILF Monday: Isla Fisher

Age: 32 Where you've seen her: Isla Fisher was the horny daughter in Wedding Crashers. She has also appeared in a bunch of other movies, but since she didn't play a nympho in any of them, there's really no point in mentioning them. Is she really a MILF? Yes! She gave birth to Olive Cohen, who's father is Sacha Baron Cohen (aka Borat, Ali G and Bruno.) After the birth, I really hope Borat said that her "vageen start to hang loose like sleeve of wizard."                    

By:|February 17, 2008