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By:|February 22, 2008


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Friday Link Dump

-- I wonder if this drunk guy realized he was in a train tunnel or if he just thought, "Man, what the hell do I pay taxes for if they're not gonna fix these bumpy ass roads? -- This is by far the weirdest/most awesome earthquake drill I've ever seen. -- Shit like this only happens at college, and it only happens when drunk over-privileged white kids are involved. -- I've seen a lot of side-boob in my day, but I have to say, this is top 10. Come to think of it, I've seen more side boob than real boob. Now I'm depressed. -- I love that they decided this video wasn't gay enough, so they laid some Kenny G music over it. -- When we were researching pics for the history of boobs video, we came across this. NSFW. Who ever thought Bea Arthur was worthy of this, let me just tell them, "I hate you." -- This is the fourth time this week I've said the phrase "What the fuck is wrong with Elijah Wood?"

By:|February 22, 2008


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62% Disagree with Brad Pitt – It’s Aniston Time

In a huge upset, at least according to the predictions of me and the janitor who works here, 61% of you would rather do Brad Pitt's ex, even though Brad Pitt's current looks like the kind of girl you have to worry may rock your world so hard that your penis becomes detached from your body. Here are real reactions from ACTUAL readers. Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment. I'm leading off with my favorite comment. I have no idea what this means, but I enjoyed it none-the-less. Lord^afk - Über die Angie Jolie sind schon so komische Typen drüber gerutscht, das geht echt gar nicht mehr ZigZag - Been lusting after Jennifer for years, ever since she was in Leprechaun. I'd kiss her pee thing right now if I could. GetReal - How can Jennifer Aniston be winning right now?!! The poll is titled "who would you rather DO not "who would you rather date for three years and have long conversations and romantic walks on the beach and bring home to mom and share holidays with OK? angelina screwed billy bob in a limo, carries vials of blood around her neck and nailed brad pitt in between takes of mr. and mrs. smith, while aniston dated vince vaughn .what's wrong with you people?

By:|February 21, 2008


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Johnny Knoxville Tore His Urethra

The thought of tearing my urethra kind of makes me want to die. So I'm going to let Johnny take this one: Johnny Knoxville is looking forward to regaining his "manly functions". The prankster, who nearly lost his testicles when a stunt for MTV show 'Jackass' went wrong, is hoping to soon return to his normal life after having an operation to mend his torn urethra. He said: "I just walked out of surgery about 10 minutes ago. I'm still a little groggy from the anaesthesia. "I was trying to back flip a motorcycle. The bike goes up about 15 or 20 ft in the air and comes back down and breaks its handlebar off in between my legs. I was laying there spread-eagled. They've never seen handlebars break off before-much less between someone's legs! "I just got the catheter out, after wearing it for two weeks, and the doctor said I can resume normal functions immediately - like, my manly functions." When you have millions of dollars, maybe it's time to call it a day on the ol' urethra-tearing tricks for TV.

By:|February 21, 2008


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Aaron Carter Is A Common Pot Head

Being a celebrity is a stressful life. Sometimes you turn to drugs to cope with the pressure and constant attention. But Aaron Carter is not a celebrity, so I don't know what his excuse is. People.com reports: Pop singer Aaron Carter was arrested for marijuana possession Thursday after he was pulled over for speeding in Texas, authorities said. Carter, 20, the younger brother of Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys, was in jail in Junction, Texas. Take a look at Aaron Carter. Look at him. Now imagine him in jail. My asshole hurts just thinking about that. I can just see him getting off the bus and walking in to the jail grounds and everyone's screaming NEW FISH! NEW FISH! NEW FISH! Then Morgan Freeman's voice over starts. "The first time I laid eyes on Aaron Carter, I thought he was a bitch. And I was right because he spent all night crying like one. I won three packs of smokes." Anyway, my favorite part of this story is that Aaron Carter is referred to as "brother of Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys." That means People Magazine thinks Aaron Carter is so talentless and unpopular that, in order for the reader to get context as to who he is, they have to make reference to his brother who was in a band 6 YEARS AGO that even when it was popular, made me want to cut off my penis and shove it in my ear. If I'm Aaron Carter, there's no amount of pot smoking that can make that pain go away.

By:|February 21, 2008


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It Takes 100 Gallons of Beer To Toast Harry Caray

Cub fan and raging alcoholic Harry Caray was known to enjoy himself an ice cold beer or 20 from time to time. So, to honor his crippling addiction, his restaurant toasted him last night with a record breaking 100 gallon glass of beer.  The 4 foot tall hexagonal glass with a handle and spigot (for serving) will weigh 1,000 pounds when full. When Harry's widow Dutchie Caray heard about the record breaking beer, she laughed saying "100 gallons? Is that all? Harry would have considered that an after dinner drink." Harry estimated that he consumed over 73,000 Budweiser's and 300,000 alcoholic beverages throughout his lifetime. Holy shit! 73,000 Budweisers? That would mean Harry would've had a 12-pack a night for 16 and a half years straight. And 300,000 drinks? I'm not even going to do the math on that one. Harry, you are a true American. I salute you and your insatiable thirst for alcohol.

By:|February 21, 2008


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Violinist Falls, Smashes Million Dollar Violin

As far as I'm concerned, watching someone fall down is probably one of the funniest things in the world. To see the look of shame on someone's face after they've just tumbled down a flight of stairs is something that can really brighten my day. That's why I was pretty excited to read this story about a violinist who fell down and smashed a million dollar Stradivarius: Virtuoso musician David Garrett smashed a $1 million (£540,000) violin when he fell over after a concert in London over Christmas, he has revealed. "I fell down a flight of stairs and landed on my violin case," he told the BBC. "When I opened it up, it was a total mess." "I left the concert after the first half because my family was there and we wanted to grab dinner," he said. "The stairs were very slippery and I still had my concert shoes on. I had my violin over my shoulder, but I slipped and landed on my violin case." If there's one thing funnier than falling down, it's watching some pompous upper crust douchebag in "concert shoes" falling down. Man, I would throw my own mom down a flight of stairs to see a video of that. (Sorry, Mom.)

By:|February 21, 2008


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Creepy or Sexy: Christina Ricci

I can't decide how I feel about Christina Ricci. On one hand she's thin, she has nice cheekbones and she's a pretty good actor. On the other, she's a dwarf who can sometimes look like a 75-year old hobbit. Tell me which side of the Ricci fence you're on. Also, see an uncensored photo of her tattoo here. Also, one time a monkey attacked her boob.                     Photos courtesy of egotastic.com

By:|February 21, 2008


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Heidi Montag And Spencer Pratt Make Video Game

I wish I could stop writing about these two gobs of stupid but it's like they beg me to do it.  Get a load of this crap: According to Us Magazine, Heidi Montag and her main man Spencer Pratt plan on developing a Heidi and Spencer video game Spencer revealed that he is working with Electronic Arts' on the game and that "it's top secret" and "everyone will be addicted."  He also mentioned that there will be two versions - one for adults and one for minors The only way this game will be addicting is if it's made of cocaine in which case they better not let either of these two around the factory that's making them.  What the hell could the premise of this game possibly be?  Maybe you play as either Heidi or Spencer and the goal is to go through an entire day being a completely useless asshole.  Like, you go to a Pinkberry to get a frozen Yogurt and a woman carrying a baby and groceries drops her wallet at the register, and the longer you stare at her struggling to pick it up the more points you get.

By:|February 20, 2008


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Animatronic Animals Love Them Some Fergie

Remember going to Showbiz Pizza and Chuck E. Cheese as a kid and seeing those creepy robot animal bands playing some crappy versions of hit songs and their own personal compositions about how much they loved pizza? Well, some computer whiz who apparently works at a Chuck E. Cheese waited until all the kiddies went home and put on his own show by programming these herky-jerky monsters to play "London Bridge" by Fergie, another herky-jerky monster. The camera work is a little off, but anyone who was forced to go to a shitty pizza party at one of these establishments as a child will appreciate this.

By:|February 20, 2008


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A Brief History of Boobs

History Of Boobs - Watch more free videos You may think Holy Taco is only about making you laugh, but sometimes, we feel it's our duty to educate our readers about the world in which we live in. One of the things in that world is boobs. We were either going to make a video called "A Brief History of The Tax Code" or this video. I still think the tax code one could have been cool. One last thing: NSFW NSFW NSFW

By:|February 20, 2008


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Las Vegas Has The Fattest Slots Around

Dear People of Las Vegas, Congratulations! In a nation packed full of big fat tubs of shit, you are the biggest and the fattest tubs of all! According to Men's Fitness, you people are more disgusting than people who live anywhere else. I would like to be the first to commend you on inspiring all of us to get an extra heaping helping of mashed potatoes, to choose the motorized cart instead of walking around Wal-Mart, to courageously sit when all others stand. But while Vegas deserves our praise, let us not overlook Texas, which managed to win this year's award for Fattest State (6 of the ten fattest cities! Way to go!) Apparently everything is bigger in the Lone Star State, including the fatasses who live there. Love, Holy Taco For the full article and to find out how fat you and your neighbors are, click here.

By:|February 20, 2008


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Gene Simmons Has A Sex Tape

There are a few people in the world that I don't want to see having sex. Some of them are: Penn Gillette, Arnold Palmer, Frank Stallone, that cerebral palsy chick from Facts of Life, Flozell Adams, Burt Wolf, Brian Dunkelman, Maxi Priest, Scottie Pippen, Rachel Dratch and Louie Anderson. I used to think that Gene Simmons was on that list, but I just watched his sex tape he made with some Australian model known only as Elsa. See, you learn something new about yourself every day.

By:|February 20, 2008


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Gran Turismo Releases Bad Ass Steering Wheel

The makers of Gran Turismo understand that it sucks to live with your mom and have trouble finding people that will have sex with you.  So, they know that if they can create a game that's life-like enough, you can pretend you're a race car driver who's just visiting his mom and that chooses not to have sex with people.  That's why they're releasing the Logitech Driving Force GT Wheel to be used while you play GT.  Here's what it boasts: 24-position realtime adjustment dial: Fine-tune brake bias, TCS, and damper settings on the fly for unprecedented control over your car's performance. 900-degree wheel rotation: Go 2.5 times around lock to lock, just as you would behind the wheel of many real cars Force feedback technology: Feel every inch of the road for maximum control and the ultimate racing experience. Gas and brake pedals: Get precise throttle and brake response with true-to-life pedals. Sequential stick shift: Go through the gears for the ultimate control. Upon reading this I realize my mid 90s ford has not one of these features.  I'm actually wondering if I can just buy this thing and somehow get it to work in my piece of shit car.  Yeah, that's right, blogging isn't all fancy cars and naked chicks.  It's mid 90s fords with electrical problems and naked chicks.  Anyway, this bad boy can be yours for 150 bucks right HERE.

By:|February 19, 2008


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Give-A-Wednesday: Win A Limited Edition Jenna Jameson “Shadow Hunter” Lithograph

OK, nerds. You've been waiting for this contest longer than you've been waiting for that your crappy mustache to come in. Write a caption for the above photo from Jenna Jameson's new comic titled Shadow Hunter. The best caption will win a LIMITED EDITION LITHOGRAPH OF SHADOW HUNTER which you can promptly put in a sealed baggy and never look at or touch. A couple runner ups will win a comic. As usual, leave your caption in the comments section. Winners will be notified via email (be sure to leave your email, dumbass.) Check out the trailer for the video here. And check out the cover of the comic below. See last week's winners after the jump.

By:|February 19, 2008


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Lindsay’s Dad Not A Fan Of Her Naked Pics

Sometimes when you're a really shitty dad like Lindsay Lohan's dad, and you don't talk to your kids and instead get drunk and make pleas to see them on television and morning radio shows, you get really excited when you get to say stuff that you think good dads say.  Usmagazine.com reports: Michael Lohan still hasn't seen those topless shots of his daughter Lindsay. "I'm not going to look at the photos - that's my daughter!" said her father Michael Lohan. Good for you Michael Lohan!  You sir, are a number one dad.  Here's some other stuff Michael Lohan says he won't do. Videotape his daughter having sex then sell the video for profit Shoot paint balls at his daughter from point blank range Light his daughter on fire Man, what a dad!  In fact, I think he deserves a shirt!

By:|February 19, 2008


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How To: Become a Scientologist

  Want to be cool like Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman and the rest of Hollywood's A-list? Here's your blueprint. 1. Take a free personality test Called the Oxford Capacity Analysis and administered by two Scientology volunteers, this will help you find the weak areas in your life. (Some example questions: "Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?" "Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it?") Here's a list of all the questions, along with what the church considers the "right" answers. Cheat away right here! 2. Hit the bank and the books (in that order) You need to attend classes, and that means paying some fees. Sorry,"fixed donations." Entry-level courses will run you 50,100 bucks, but to make the upper reaches of Scientology you need to take higher-level courses, and that ain't cheap. (One estimate puts the cost of reaching the church's highest level at $380,000.) Can't afford classes? Then you can't be a member. But the church will take you on as an employee to recruit people who have more money. 3. Don't be gay or a journalist (Sorry, Anderson Cooper) Well, you can technically "be" gay, but you have to be an "ethics in" homosexual, which means you can't actually "have" any homosexual sex. So you can see why they only let ultra-macho dudes like Tom Cruise and John Travolta become members. Journalists, on the other hand, aren't allowed anywhere near Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard.

By:|February 19, 2008


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TVs Explode Better In Slow Motion

Watching shit blow up is as American as baseball, apple pie and morbid obesity. If anyone has a video of a morbidly obese baseball player exploding while eating an apple pie, please send that to me immediately. You would be a true American. More TVs exploding at GeekAbout.com

By:|February 19, 2008


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Taco Belle: Saskia Howard-Clarke

Saskia Howard-Clarke was on the UK's version of Big Brother 6. Since I don't get the BBC, I only know two things about this girl. And she's holding both of them in that photo.               

By:|February 19, 2008


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David Beckham Plays Soccer?

I'm a little freaked out here, but apparently David Beckham plays soccer.  I know, I know, I thought he was just a fashion model, but the above photos show him with soccer equipment.  And this article right here says he plays professionally: David Beckham joined his Galaxy teammates in Hawaii for the first Pan-Pacific Soccer Championship.  Becks looks pretty happy to be back on the field. "It's my first time in Hawaii, so I'm looking forward to looking around and seeing the beaches and seeing everything that's beautiful here." Yeah, that definitely sounds like he's excited to be back on the field.  What with all those mentions of playing soccer and what not.  I had to check for myself, so I caught up with "Becks" at a Galaxy practice, where he was washing his car in the parking lot. ME: So, David, you excited to get back to playing? BECKHAM:  Playing what? ME: Soccer. BECKHAM:  Soccer?  What's that? ME: Oh, that's right, you guys call it football. BECKHAM:  Football?  What's that? ME: Um, the sport you used to play that made you famous?  The sport that the team you're on is practicing right there? (I point to the field where the Galaxy practice, Beckham looks in that direction, perplexed.  Daft Punk blares out of his H2) BECKHAM:  Oh, right, soccer.  Yeah, I play that sometimes.  Hey, do you know a good place where I can get a pedicure?  I'm all ashy right now.

By:|February 19, 2008