Time Traveling Warriors Please Apply Here
I know this guy is going to have to wade through a shitload of time-travelling warrior resumes, but click here if you want to apply for this very dangerous mission. Thanks to YesButNoButYes.com
By:|January 9, 2008
Got Dead Friends? Dig ‘em up!
My favorite part of this is that even the cop in this video felt this story was ripe for a "Weekend at Bernie's" joke. Look, we've all been there; your buddy is dead, his corpse is right there in front of you, he's got an un-cashed check for a couple hundred dollars. I get where these guys are coming from, but come on, putting him in a wheel chair? Get creative here guys. Dress him up in a snazzy outfit and draw a dick on his face and tell them he was "out partying all night" and that "he's gotta pay rent today or else."
By:|January 9, 2008
Reporter Owned By Donkey
ForMula Horse Race Accident! - Watch more free videos There are a couple general rules when covering a donkey race in your native land. 1.) Don't tell anyone that you're so low on the reporting totem poll that you're covering a donkey race. And 2.) Always look behind you.
By:|January 9, 2008
Halle Berry Is F-ing Crazy
If you're like me, you start off blog posts by writing "If you're like me." But also, you find Halle Berry as hot as she is annoying. Well, after reading this article, I now find her more annoying than hot. Pregnancy certainly suits actress Halle Berry, whose first child is due in March. The Oscar winner tells inStyle in its February issue. "I want to stay pregnant forever." If a regular woman said that, I'd think "annoying, but she's just happy to become a mom." But when Halle Berry says that, I think, "this is a woman who ran over a human being with a car and didn't remember it." She's bat-shit crazy. So, no one should be surprised when a month from now she releases the following statement: "I've sewn my vagina shut and have decided to follow my dream of having a life-long pregnancy. This baby is going nowhere. Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to an important meeting with Abraham Lincoln and a carton of Soy Milk."
By:|January 9, 2008
Thirsty Thursday: Hilariously Large Wine Glass
Sometimes having to refill your wine glass over and over and over and over and over and over again can be a little tedious. So, instead why not just use a glass that holds an entire bottle of wine. This 750ml glass will contain...you guessed it, an entire bottle of wine. I like to bring one of these with me wherever I go. It comes in handy when you just want to have one quick glass before leaving. Buy this at Amazon for $11.99.
By:|January 9, 2008
Taco Belle: Lisa Dergan
Courtesy: Hollywoodtuna.com Age: 37 (yes, 37) Where you've seen her: She's been a sportscaster on Fox and she's been in Playboy, but in 2003 she was the freakin' St. Pauli Girl. If you don't believe me, here's proof: Tantalizing trivia: She's married to former White Sox outfielder Scott Podsednik. You know Scott as the guy who destroyed your fantasy baseball team because you drafted him for steals and while he gets you a few, he's still gets caught, like, every other time because he's a stupid piece of shit who doesn't hit homers or do anything else. (Yes, I'm still bitter.)
By:|January 9, 2008
John Mayer Is An Idiot
Upside down broomstick John Mayer, and smoking hot actress Minka Kelly, officially separated, according to usmagazine.com: Sources confirm to Usmagazine.com that the couple, who began dating last fall, recently broke up at Mayer's request. "John initiated the split," says a source. "He just wasn't ready to commit to Minka or to anyone." Wow. That means John Mayer is getting A TON of ass. For those of you who are confused as to how, of all the celebrities to bang, smoking hot chicks choose to bang Mayer, I've gone ahead and shown the mathematical equation responsible for it.
By:|January 9, 2008
Put A Deejay In Your Pocket
Imagine if you could fit this guy?in your pocket when you go to parties. Mmm, maybe somebody less child-molester-esque. The point I'm trying to make is that you could have the power of a deejay right in your pocket, and still have room for your iphone, you uppity prick. Today Swedish company Tonium released "The Pacemaker." Imagine walking into a party with every record you own in your pocket, stored on the huge 120GB Pacemaker hard drive, plugging into the nearest sound system and DJ'ing like a professional. Envision the next time you're on a bus or subway, instead of simply listening to your music you can completely interact with it, creating mixes of your favorite tunes, beat matching and using effects; the possibilities are only limited by your own imagination. Yes, I'd love to see someone on the New York subway pull that out at rush hour. So basically, this thing allows you to deejay your own party, instead of hiring some dude who looks like a cross between a sky diver and a french transvestite, constantly yelling "yah, les get zis pahty out of control." For more go to tonium.com
By:|January 8, 2008
Husband’s Worst Nightmare Comes True
My worst nightmare used to be being chased naked by those smart monkeys from the movie Congo, while a giant moving screen in front of me plays a non-stop video of my parents 69-ing. But now, after I read this article, I have a new worst nightmare: A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees. "I was dumbfounded. I thought I was dreaming," the husband told the newspaper Wednesday. Wow, how awkward is that? Let's rank the most awkward relationship moments you could have: 5. Caught cheating on your wife. 4. Caught cheating on your wife with a prostitute. 3. Caught cheating on your wife with her mother. 2. Caught cheating on your wife with a prostitute that turns out to be your wife. 1. Renting a porno only to find your wife is in it, still deciding to masturbate to it, then your wife catching you masturbating to the porno of her doing some other dude. If I've missed any, please let me know.
By:|January 8, 2008
Google Image Search Of Today: National Treasure 2
Type "National Treasure 2" into Google Image Search and you get plenty of Nick Cage movie posters, but you also get this gem. Which means it's time for a little Google Image Search Theater where I recreate the conversation in the photo: Spanker: Gonna go ahead and lift up that dress there. Yep, there we go. Spankee: Is my ass showing? Spanker: Um, no. Spankee: Are you sure? Because it feels like my entire ass is showing. Spanker: Uhh, that's probably just a breeze. I opened a window earlier. Spankee: OK. Hey, you wanna catch an early showing of National Treasure 2 after this? Spanker: Sure, that sounds great. I loved the first one. Do you think they'll find out the truth behind Lincoln's assassination? Spankee: Ha. You said assassination. Spanker: Ha! I did! Now I'll spank you. Curtain. Thanks to Bryan for submitting this Google Image Search of the Day.
By:|January 8, 2008
Tara Reid’s Secret Day Planner Found!
Tara Reid stumbled out of yet another night club in London, drunk as hell and then apparently from the looks of this picture, killed three bears and made a coat out of them. If you want to know what the hell this mess of a human being is thinking, you're in luck! I found a page from her day planner that fell out of her purse when she was reaching for a pack of smokes. Enjoy!
By:|January 8, 2008
Guitar Hero Now Hero Of Belt Buckles
Air Guitar Hero - Watch more free videos OK, let me try to explain this product to you and keep both of my testicals at the same time. This belt buckle, called the "Air Guitar Rocker" from Jada Toys is hooked up to an amplifier on this guy's belt. The amp has 10 songs programmed into it (5 you've heard, 5 you haven't) and the sensor on the buckle lets you "actually" play air guitar. Set it to Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" and every time you move your strumming hand over the sensor the amp will play a chord from Iron Man. So, instead of just humming your favorite jock jam while you rock out...you can now actually "hear" the song you're...playing air guitar to. This little toy will be available in March for $29.99. Mullet sold separately.
By:|January 8, 2008
Jessica Simpson Not THAT Stupid
With the Cowboys playing the Giants this weekend in the divisional round of the NFL playoffs, one question was on everybody's mind: Will Jessica Simpson come to the game and cause her boyfriend Tony Romo to play like shit? Her rep tells usmagazine.com: "she is not attending. She is working on a new album." Here's a pre-released copy of the cover:
By:|January 8, 2008
Eat A Deep-Fried Cheeseburger Made from Bacon
Sometimes a sandwich sneaks up behind you and gives your arteries a good, solid yank. This sandwich, which is a deep fried, cheese-stuffed bacon patty on a bun may be the worst thing in the world for you. (Yes, worse than AIDS, Cancer and Cancer AIDS.) According to A Hamburger Today: It was pretty good, but not as good as the original 100% Bacon Burger. I think using a smaller patty and cooking it on the grill would have been better. Perhaps that will be Bacon Burger 3.0... This guy's working on Bacon Burger 3.0 and I can still barely put together a bowl of cereal without the fire alarm going off. What have I done with my life? To see the breakdown of how to make this (you just need Hickory Smoked Bacon, Pepper Jack Cheese, Mozzarella Cheese, Hamburger Buns, a deep fryer and a death wish), go to peppersandsmoke.com.
By:|January 8, 2008
Taco Belle: Marisa Miller
Age: 29 Where you've seen her: A bunch of modeling magazine shit you've probably never seen...oh, and some show called "Manhunt: The Search for America's Most Gorgeous Male Model", which, if you're on this site, I'm sure you totally DVR'd. Tantalizing tidbit: Apparently, Marisa likes muscle cars, football, cooking and food from Trader Joes. (Yeah, she's THAT exciting.)
By:|January 8, 2008
Google Image Search Of The Day: Happy
I typed in "Happy" into the google image search and on the fourth page, found this. Google image search, you are a dirty son of a bitch. I'm glad I found this. Now I can show this picture to my girlfriend and say "see, when you're like that you're supposed to be happy, not bored and distant, and openly wondering if Blockbuster will have the first season of Friday Night Lights in stock."
By:|January 7, 2008
I Want To Eat A Piece Of Your Boob
In case you're wondering, that's a cake she's pointing at. A wedding cake. Of herself. I for one, am inspired. Why buy some cake you see at every wedding? Pffft, fucking lame. In fact, I dig this so much, I've decided to design my own wedding cake as well. Here's my bakers first attempt:
By:|January 7, 2008
Rachel Bilson Wants You To Remove Your Pants
Why is it when I watch this video, I get the feeling that these two A)have never spoken to, or made eye contact with, a homeless person and B)fucked like rabbits right after the shoot was done. I bet the original idea was for them to be on the streets talking to actual homeless people, and Bilson was like "Ew, gross. I'm not touching one of those things. And where are my fucking Rice Crispy Treats with M&Ms in them?!" Then Hayden Christiansen was like "She's right, I heard if you touch them, the part of you that touches them gets AIDS. Also, seriously, where are the Rice Crispy's with the M&Ms, I'm not eating these fucking Mallow Bars."
By:|January 7, 2008
Nicole Kidman Pregnant. Dingoes Very Excited.
The news you've been waiting for is finally official. Australian super-couple Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are expecting a little joey. According to popsugar: Their rep said, "Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban confirmed today that they are expecting a baby. The couple are thrilled. Area dingoes were contacted to respond to the news and had this to say: We're very happy for Nicole and Keith and look forward to eating their beautiful, healthy baby.
By:|January 7, 2008
Taco Belle: American Gladiator’s Crush
Age: 25 Real Name: Gina Cerano Where you've seen her: Unless you're a fan of the Showtime EliteXC fighting world, you've only seen her on NBC's new incarnation of American Gladiators. Tantalizing Trivia: She is, by far, the only attractive female gladiator out there. And after the new allegations that Militia is linked to the gay porn industry, I'm not so sure who's at the bottom of the AG totem poll. Oh, wait, yes I do. It's this monster named Hellga: To get the taste of that out of your mouth check out more images of Crush. (It's going to take more than photos to get anything out of Militia's mouth.)
By:|January 7, 2008
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