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By:|March 17, 2008


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By:|March 17, 2008


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Win Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six: Vegas 2

There's a lot of things to like about Las Vegas. There's the cheap buffets, the whores, the strippers, the gambling, the stripper whores and the whores who are also strippers. Tell us what you think is the best part about Las Vegas and why. Whoever makes the most convincing argument will win a copy of Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six: Vegas 2. Leave your argument in the comments section. Winners will be contacted by Holy Taco.

By:|March 17, 2008


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DMX Is One Big Cup Of Crazy

In a recent interview, DMX made it clear that he's not really following the presidential race very much. (Warning: You are about to read the greatest interview of all time.) According to thedailyswarm.com: XXL Magazine: Are you following the presidential race? DMX: Not at all. You're not? You know there's a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there's Hillary Clinton. His name is Barack?! Barack Obama, yeah. Barack?! Barack. What the f*** is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa? Yeah, his dad is from Kenya. Barack Obama? Yeah. What the f***?! That ain't no f***in' name, yo. That ain't that nigga's name. You can't be serious. Barack Obama. Get the f*** outta here. You're telling me you haven't heard about him before. I ain't really paying much attention. I mean, it's pretty big if a Black Wow, Barack! The nigga's name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the f***, man?! Is he serious? That ain't his f***in' name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, "Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit [laughs] "That ain't your f***in' name. Your momma ain't name you no damn Barack. So you're not following the race. You can't vote right? Nope. I understand that maybe I watch a little too much television. But I didn't think it was possible to live in the US and not have even HEARD of Barack Obama. This means he never watches TV, listens to the radio, reads the newspaper or talks to anyone who has any awareness of the world around them. What else hasn't he heard of? Computers? Sandwiches? Dirt? This has been the biggest news story for the last year. I don't understand. I just don't understand. Read the full interview here.

By:|March 17, 2008


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Mel Gibson And Britney Spears: Perfect Storm Of Crazy

Remember when the first USA Dream Team roster was released and we found out that Jordan and Bird were going to be on the same basketball team? Well, this is kind of like that, except replace basketball with being batshit crazy. People.com reports: Mel Gibson and Britney Spears have met a number of times since Spears checked out from her second hospitalization last month, a source tells PEOPLE. "Mel and his wife Robin clearly saw a woman in crisis and wanted to extend themselves in any way possible," the source says. Britney and Mel hanging out and chatting? Man, if only I could be a non-appetizing looking, non-Jewish fly on the wall for that conversation. I would imagine it would go something like this: MEL: Hey Britney, how are you feeling? BRITNEY: I'm feeling well. Is that your dog? I'd like to try and fit him in my anus and then sing the national anthem. If that's okay with you of course. MEL: Sure, that's not even my dog, it's my neighbors. I agreed to watch him because I know he's actually a key agent taking part in a global Jewish conspiracy. I was just going to kill him and eat his soul in a few hours anyway. BRITNEY: Then it works out perfect! MEL and BRITNEY: We're going to be great friends! (They stare at each other silently for 10-15 minutes) I'm looking forward to this pairing. And to commemorate it, I've added one of my top ten movie quotes of all time. Enjoy.

By:|March 17, 2008


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Link Time

This is what St. Patty's day is all about. (Busted Coverage) 10 Holidays best suited for drinking. (Double Viking) Fat boss is owned. (Camel Tap) A 16 minute work out (Just A Guy Thing) Which would you rather have: Spitzer's Prostitute or an Albany Mansion? (Asylum) Vocab Word of the Week: Five Roper. (Tastybooze) COED Vault: Megan Fox (Coed Magazine) Paul McCartney is paying dearly (Complex)

By:|March 17, 2008


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Nicole Kidman’s Bodyguard Pummels Paparazzi

So apparently a paparazzi for flynet.com was following Nicole Kidman, when suddenly her bodyguard got out and basically slapped him around/beat the living daylights out of him. If I'm a paparazzi, my first reaction when a roided bodyguard style dude in Raybans gets out of the car and says "you want to f%&k with me?" is to go "No. No, I don't. I apologize." Roided up bodyguards LIVE for stuff like this. You gotta think, 99.9% of their job, they never get to punch anybody. So when that .001% happens, it's punch city and you're the mayor. No good.

By:|March 16, 2008


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6 Greatest Keytar Solos Ever

Guitarists get all the chicks and the glory. But what about those brave souls who say "Let me grow a pony tail. Then give me a piano and let me program the keys to sound like guitar strings, then hang it around my neck and let me wail super hard as if I'm playing a guitar?" This list is for them. 6. Hey Beatles, Go F yourself. If John Lennon hadn't been assassinated, he would have put a bullet in his own head if he heard this. Many awesome things about this one: The guy actually makes a picking motion with his right hand, as if there was a string to pick. Also, I gave points for his attire: sunglasses on top of the head in an indoor music studio. That my friends, is what rock and roll is all about. Keytar miss - Watch more free videos 5. Keytar and Guitar battle for supremacy I love how in this one, when the guitarist finishes his solo, the sound of keyboard solo comes and the camera man pans to where the keyboards are except there's no one there! That's right, it's a f-ing keytar solo, BITCH! Then, in a most awesome move that I can only hope wasn't premeditated, the keytarist is like, "Hey GUItarist! Why don't you stop being a pussy and have a solo battle with me? Keytar Solo2 - Watch more free videos

By:|March 16, 2008


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Governors Really Really Really Like Sex

Man, I am in the wrong profession. According to NJ.com: A former aide to James E. McGreevey said today that he had three-way sexual trysts with the former governor and his wife before he took office. The aide, Theodore Pedersen, said he and the couple even had a nickname for the weekly romps, from 1999 to 2001, that typically began with dinner at T.G.I. Friday's and ended with a threesome at McGreevey's condo in Woodbridge. They called them "Friday Night Specials," according to Pedersen. If I was part of the TGI Friday's pr team, I would immediately start a marketing push for a new promotion called "Friday Night Specials." Stop by Friday's for an appetizer, your choice of a steak or chicken entree, and for dessert, you get a three-way with a homosexual governor and his wife. Let's see Applebee's or Chili's top that.

By:|March 16, 2008


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MILF Monday: Halle Berry

With the birth of her new daughter yesterday, the Taco would like to welcome Halle Berry into the illustrious world of mothers we'd like to do unspeakable things to. As if you don't already know, this birth makes Halle the hottest MILF on the face of the earth. This mometous occasion will change the history of man forever. It's up there with the invention of the forward pass, the creation of Cheez Whiz and the manufacture of the breast implant. Take note, fellas. Your children will be learning about this day in History class.                     

By:|March 16, 2008


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Beware of Airbags

It's one thing to be in your car and hear Bohemian Rhapsody and start rocking out. It's another thing to rock out so hard that you set off your airbag. That's a good sign that maybe you need to pick up a hobby or something that allows you to blow off a little steam now and again. My favorite part of this is that not only does the airbag go off, but as he's trying to find his bearings, the alarm goes off too. It's like God was watching this with a buddy and was like "Dude. You now what would make this better? The car alarm going off." And then God and his buddy hi-fived. Thanks to Collegehumor.com for this video.

By:|March 15, 2008


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Eliot Spitzer’s Hooker In Music Video

Eliot Spitzer Prostitute in music video - Watch more free videos A lot of things can drive a person towards becoming a prostitute. One of them is having to listen to this God awful song more than once. I listened to half of it and considered auctioning off my butthole on ebay to pay for that surgery that Arnold Schwarzenegger got in Total Recall just to erase the memory of this song. Spitzer's girl is the one wearing the black tank top with the dark hair. Again, I must say, I think she's attractive. But I might only think that because I was distracted by the intensity and passion of the rapping going on. Or maybe it was the fact that this video looks like it was shot on a camera phone that was covered in bird shit. Hard to say.

By:|March 14, 2008


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Friday Link Dump

Random Shit I found On The Web -- I've seen a lot of these songs turned in to graphs, but this one made me laugh out loud. -- It's about God Damned time someone devoted a website to this. I need to forward this to my brother so he can see how ridiculous he looks when he does this. -- We won't even let them get married. -- You may have seen this before, but I ran across it today and it still made me laugh. The only thing funnier than kids who accidentally break stuff, is German kids who accidentally break stuff. -- I saw a crapload of Eliot Spitzer press conference parodies. This is maybe the only one that made me laugh. -- Gallagher is not joking here folks. He's not. This is a cause he truly believes in which makes this bewildering and awesome at the same time. -- I feel like when the universe created bananas and then penises, they should have known stuff like this would be the result. DAILY LINKS TV News Crews Like To Drag Race (Double Viking) Major League Baseball Players Do Hot Chicks (Busted Coverage) Do You Know What Defenestrated Means? (Camel Tap) 10 Things Your Dad Never Told You About Sex. (Just A Guy Thing) Spitzer's Girl A Penthouse Pet? (Asylum) Who Wouldn't Want An Arsenio Hall T-shirt? (Tastybooze) It's Time To Learn About Pabst Blue Ribbon. (Coedmagazine) Lebron James On The Cover Of Vogue (complex) I close the link dump once again, with a PHOTOSHOP FROM MARCUS. Our reader with both time on his hands, and photoshop skills. Earlier this week Marianne from Gilligans Island was arrested for smoking pot. Marcus says he has evidence. I think it's just a big cigarette. Check it after the jump.

By:|March 14, 2008


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Madonna Is Really Old

This is the cover of Madonna's new album "Hard Candy." I'm not bothered by the fact that she's made a new album. What bothers me is that she's really old and gross and she's dressed like a small child who wandered into her parents closet and started putting stuff on, only her parents are Stone Cold Steve Austin and a Croatian hooker. Here's what Madonna has to say about her album: Madonna has already claimed her new album Hard Candy, will "kick your ass." This is kind of sad. It reminds me of when I go back home and my dad tries to relate to me by asking me if I watch "the ock." Then I have to tell him, that a)It's pronounced "The O.C." b)It's been cancelled for over a year and c)No, because even I'm too old to watch it. I feel like seeing Madonna on that album cover would be like seeing George Brett suit up again for the Royals and announce he's hitting third. But she's determined to sell albums. I took it upon myself to create what her 2010 Album will have to look like in order to sell copies.

By:|March 13, 2008


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Would You Pay $40,000 for Scarlett Johansson?

When I heard Eliot Spitzer paid $4,100 dollars an hour for his hooker, I thought that was a lot of money to pay for a hooker. You could buy a 2002 Hyundai Accent for that much. Although I think it's probably more socially acceptable to pay for a hooker than to drive an '02 Hyundai. Anyway, now there's a new girl on the market, but she's way pricier. Usmagazine.com reports: Scarlett Johansson is no cheap date. A man from the U.K. placed a winning eBay bid of $40,100 to join her at the L.A. premiere of He's Just Not That Into You this June. I was shocked when I first heard about this, but $40,000?! I hope to God he at least does the penis in the popcorn bag trick. Alright, these prices are getting out of control. This is like when A-Rod got $250 million dollars from the Texas Ragners. It just threw shit out of whack. So, once and for all, I'm going to set prices for this kind of stuff. See the chart below, I think you'll find it hopeful.

By:|March 13, 2008


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How To: Pour A Perfect Pint Of Guinness

In case you're stupid, it's St. Patrick's Day this Monday. So who better to tell you how to properly enjoy Ireland's finest export than Fergal Murray, Brewmaster of Guinness. If you've never had one, a pint of Guinness is a work of art. It's not a beer to be "shotgunned" or "mainlined" or "freebased." It is to be explored with all your senses. Oh, and since it has alcohol, you can also explore senses of "self confidence," "self importance" and, finally, "self urination." While your enjoying a true and proper Guinness, go to Proposition317.com and sign a petition to make St. Patrick's Day a national holiday. What, like you'd rather go to work? Slainte!

By:|March 13, 2008


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A Lot Of Guys Look Like Kenny Rogers

Let's face it, so many middle-aged men look like Kenny Rogers that this phenomenon demanded the creation of a web site. So, now we have menwholooklikekennyrogers.com. Is it a coincedence that most middle-aged men have gray hair and are so overweight that they feel the need to grow a beard to hide their 14 chins? Nah, probably not.

By:|March 13, 2008


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Taco Belle: Charlize Theron

Age: 32 Where you've seen her: She was ugly in Monster, hot in Aeon Flux, ugly in North Country, hot in Cider House Rules and ugly in Children of the Corn III. I'm just kidding, I didn't see Children of the Corn III. Tantalizing tidbit: As a child she witnessed her mother shoot and kill her alcoholic father in self defense. Ahhh, nothing like a little wife beating and murder to kill any possibility for a joke. Thanks a lot, Charlize's Mom.                         

By:|March 13, 2008


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Link Time

Bruce Bowen Is A Dirty Player (Double Viking) John Daly is awesome (Busted Coverage) Food Court Musical (Camel Tap) The Ultimate Office Etiquette Guide (Just a Guy Thing) Billy Crystal Is Annoying (Asylum) Can You Kill Yourself With Viagra? (Tastybooze) 7 Deadly Sins Omitted By The Catholic Church (Coedmagazine) Japanese Scientists Are Awesome (Complex)

By:|March 13, 2008


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Steve-O Hospitalized

Usmagazine.com reports Steve-O was hospitalized at a mental Health Unit yesterday.  If you're surprised by this, you probably also get really surprised when you flush the toilet and your shit disappears. Jackass star Steve-O has been hospitalized at a mental health unit of L.A.'s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and charged with a felony possession of cocaine by the L.A. County District Attorney. It was a matter of time before he was hospitalized, but I must say, cocaine addiction wasn't what I thought would send him to the sick house.  Here's a pie chart I made breaking down what I thought would be the possible causes:

By:|March 13, 2008


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