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Taco Belle: Topless Marisa Miller

Where You've Seen Her: The photos at the bottom are from Marisa Miller's shoot in the 2008 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. But before she was SI's girl, she was topless. Which makes her pretty much everyone's girl. Check out the photos of Marisa playing skins in a pickup basketball game and putting on some shirtless makeup. There's even a video. Thanks to NS4W.org. Tantalizing tidbit: In 2004 she appeared in the video for Puddle of Mudd's "Spin You Around." So, she will either do anything for money or she has terrible taste in music.                    

By:|February 16, 2008


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Goofus And Gallant From Hell

If you went to a dentist's office when you were a kid, then you probably remember reading those really crappy "Highlights for Children" magazines which contained Goofus and Gallant cartoons.   They showed us Goofus doing something wrong, and Gallant doing it the right way.  I'm pretty sure the Goofus and Gallant above never made it into any of the final copies, although it proves my theory that Gallant was a racist.

By:|February 15, 2008


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52% Love Themselves Some Nelly Furtado

The votes are in and in a close contest, 52% of Holy Taco readers would have sexual intercourse with Nelly Furtado than Christina Aguilera.  I was going to write to Christina Aguilera's publicist and see if I could get a reaction to the news, but then I remembered I didn't care. As usual, here's real reactions by actual readers. t-boner - I want Christina to 'come on over' and get 'dirrrrrty." opposite_prime - If you choose Aguilera, you might win the "One Millionth Deposit Award." crack pipe - how can you do a grammy edition WWYRD without Amy Winehouse?  Who's in charge of this thing anyway?!  What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are you running? Well crack pipe, funny you should ask.  Originally we built a robot just for the purposes of selecting the girls for WWYRD, but the the first week in charge he picked Michael J. Fox vs. an overhead map of Indonesia, so unfortunately we had to let him go because that would have been stupid.  Everyone would have chose the map of Indonesia.

By:|February 15, 2008


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By:|February 14, 2008


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By:|February 14, 2008


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Avril Lavigne: Sexy Or Creepy?

This is a photo from a shoot Avril did for a lay out in this month's Maxim magazine.  I'm not really sure how I feel about this.  She looks really young, but she also looks really hot.  I talked it over with my penis and this was our conversation: ME:  I don't know, penis.  She looks like she could be my little sister. PENIS: Valid point.  I say, just to make sure, we masturbate. ME: That's what you said when I told you I thought I left the oven on when we went on vacation. PENIS: And it worked.  The oven wasn't on right? ME: Well, no, but I really don't think me deciding to masturbate had any bearing on whether or not the oven was on or off. PENIS: Then it's settled.  We masturbate.

By:|February 14, 2008


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Friday Link Dump

  We're not the only website on the internet. I know, I'm shocked as well. So, in an effort to show you some other things we come across that we think are funny, but don't post, we've decided to do a link dump once a week. Feel free to submit your own great finds to us by e-mailing us at "contact" down at the bottom. Enjoy. --This is why you don't feed your dog food from the table. Or, this is why you feed your girlfriend's annoying dog food from the table. (Bustedcoverage) --This little girl needs a reality show. Please someone give her one.  *F-Bombs* (youtube) --Ever wonder what douche bags in other countries say to hot chicks? Wonder no further. ( Bachelor Guy) --This is what you get when you mix Sesame Street with Hitler (news.com) --Who are the best characters on television? Here they are, aside from the glaring omission of the guy who played the molester on Different Strokes. I guess he's not still on t.v., but that WAS a very special episode. (tastybooze) --You probably realized, I love stories about monkeys. I thought this was an interesting Valentine's Day read. (national geographic) Thanks to reader Jonah C. for submitting. --Hot Valentine's day chef shares her chocolate recipe. (justoneplate) And finally, a reader whose e-mail I lost so I can't properly credit, sent us an e-mail with this picture. I still maintain Winehouse looks more like opera man, but this is good too.

By:|February 14, 2008


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Heidi Montag And Spencer Pratt In Stupid Love

Sometimes I wish I was incredibly stupid and good looking, because life is so much simpler for those people.  You see something shiny and you get happy and excited.  Then someone touches your penis and it feels good and you call it a day. Usmagazine.com reports: Heidi Montag spent Valentine's with beau Spencer Pratt on a yacht. "We went on a little sailing safari, which was really fun," Montag said, later adding.  "We actually crashed.  The driver of our boat crashed into three other boats.  I was so scared!  I thought we were about to sink!" First of all, if you almost crash, the trip ceases to be "really fun."  I was on a boat once that almost crashed and everybody practically shit their pants in fear except for a retarded kid who was enjoying it like he just watched his favorite team win the Super Bowl.    I bring him up only because that's exactly the reaction I imagine these two morons having while people on the other boats they collided with were screaming for their children and saying prayers. Secondly, why were they driving so recklessly when it's a f-ing lesiure cruise?  Were they fleeing Cuba?  Who the hell was driving this boat?

By:|February 14, 2008


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Lionel Richie + Helium = German Talk Shows Rule

If I had a nickel every time someone asked me for a video of Lionel Richie sucking a helium balloon on a German talk show and singing a few bars of his hit love song, "Hello," I would have zero nickels. But now I have the video just in case. Courtesy of Neatorama.com

By:|February 14, 2008


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Tony Yayo Will Glare At Your Children

Some thug rappers have actual street cred. For example, 50 Cent got shot and lived, Tupac and Biggie got shot and died. As you can see, getting shot is a great way to solidify your status as "gangsta". Harrassing a 14-year-old is not. According to The Baker City Herald: G-Unit rapper Tony Yayo was sentenced Thursday to 10 days of community service after pleading guilty to harassment of a recording rival's 14-year-old son. Yayo, whose real name is Marvin Bernard, admitted in Manhattan Criminal Court that on March 20, 2007, he got out of a sport utility vehicle and "glared" at James Rosemond Jr. in a way that was "meant to threaten physical violence." I would have much more respect for Yayo if he actually beat the crap out of the 14-year-old. At least then he'd have a reputation as some crazy DMX-style weirdo who would do anything at anytime. But getting arrested and slapped with community service for "glaring" at a 14-year-old makes you about as gangsta as William Hung and Hammer Pants.

By:|February 14, 2008


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Taco Belle: Rosaria Cannavo

Age: I don't know. And I don't care. Where you've seen her: Um, here? Tantalizing tidbit: The only thing I know about Rosaria Cannavo is that she's Italian and she's dating some soccer player named Christian Panucci. Oh, I also know that I am moving to Italy to kill some guy named Christian Panucci so I can marry her. (Dear Italian Police: This is what we Americans call a "joke." I would never, ever go to Italy.)                      Courtesy HollywoodTuna.com

By:|February 14, 2008


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Britney’s Dad Takes The Wheel

Okay, nobody freak out.  Britney's going to be just fine because you guessed it, daddy is here to help.  See that guy in the Corona shirt up above who looks like he's trying to find his pants?  That's daddy.   People.com reports: Jamie Spears (Brit's dad) won permission Thursday to maintain control of daughter Britney Spears' estate until at least March 10, and was granted additional powers over her finances. Jamie Spears and Andrew Wallet have been overseeing her well-being and her estimated $40 million fortune since Feb 1. A guy named Andrew Wallet has been helping?  What the hell kind of name is that?  I think that's what I named my first piggy bank.  No, actually I named him Pig E. Bank.  I'm not joking.   My brother threw it on the ground and then looked at me and said "now it's Pig E. Broke," which doesn't even make sense but still was effective in hurting my feelings. Anyway, why do I get the feeling when I look at Britney's dad and hear he's going to have control of her $40 million dollars that I'm going to see this headline and picture in the newspaper. MAN BUILDS HOUSE OUT OF CASES OF BEER 

By:|February 14, 2008


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White Trash Meets The Future

Who doesn't love sporks?  The stabbing power of a really shitty fork combined with the ability to hold 1/10 of an ounce of liquid?  Sign me up.  I was always hoping they'd come out with a spiknifork, but it never happened.  At least I don't think.  I feel like someone is going to write a comment with a link to one now.  I should look it up but I'm too lazy. Anyway, previous to this, sporks, much like Pamela Anderson, were made of plastic and only used by white trash dudes.  But now, there's a titanium spork.  Check out this shit: yeah, that's right, this spork doesn't f*&k around.  I wish I had had this spork in junior high.  I GUARANTEE YOU Eric Murphy would have felt my wrath when he threw his cup of nacho cheese at me and called me a smelly fag.   In fact, I'm going to buy one here.

By:|February 13, 2008


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Aniston Vs. Jolie: Round 1…FIGHT!

This is why Brad Pitt is Brad Pitt and I'm me.  He bangs two incredibly hot chicks and instead of hating him, they hate each other and still want to bang him.   people.com reports: Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie are among the A-list hosts of this year's Night Before pre-Oscar Bash. The press-free charity event promises to be the first time Aniston and Jolie have met since Pitt left Aniston in 2005 and started a family with Jolie a short time later. Man, I really wish I could see a Rocky IV style training sequence where Aniston is out in the snowy woods splitting logs with an axe and punching sides of meat, while Jolie has all this high tech equipment to train with and some russian scientist is injecting her with HGH while she drinks some power shake. Here's what the two fighters had to say. While you read these quotes, imagine the words in bold being said in the middle of a wrestling ring by Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man Randy Savage: "Jen wants to go but knows it would be a disaster waiting to happen," an Aniston insider tells Us. Adding to the pressure: Jolie has said in the past she'd "welcome" a meeting with Aniston. Hell yeah, let's get this shit on! Let's take a look at the fight card:

By:|February 13, 2008


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Irish Car Bombs Are Not Legal In Virgina

Screw you, Virginia. You call yourself a state? Oh sure, you have a constitution and you're a recognized commonwealth by the United States of America, but to me you're just a little bitch with little bitch laws.  According to Cocktails.About.Com: There is a place in the cocktailian United States where a bartender can spend a year in jail for serving some of the most common cocktails.  A 75 year-old law in Virginia makes it illegal for an establishment to sell any mixed drinks in which beer or wine is combined with distilled spirits. That eliminates a lot of drinks, including many of the popular dropped shots (ie. Boilermaker, Irish Car Bomb and Flaming Dr. Pepper). The archaic law was passed in Virginia just after the repeal of Prohibition, supposedly to discourage people from drinking overly intoxicating beverages. I thought I lived in America, not AMERIfidelCAstro. What would Thomas Jefferson, George Washington or Colt 45 think of this 75 year-old-law that says I can't enjoy the simple pleasure of dropping a shot glass full of Bailey's Irish Cream and Jameson's whiskey into a half-pint of Guinness and chugging the whole delicious mixture as fast as I possibly can? This nation may be a beacon of freedom and independence to some, but to me it's nothing more than a lie. Unless they repeal that law. Then I'll be too busy doing Bombs to give a shit.

By:|February 13, 2008


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Kim Kardashian Has An Enjoyable Butt

I'm not a very religious person, but I truly believe that each one of us has a gift. For example, Stephen Hawking was given the gift of intelligence. Michael Jordan was given the gift of athletic ability. And Kim Kardashian was given the gift of a hilariously huge ass. We shouldn't take these gifts for granted. In fact, I think we should all take a moment to celebrate our differences and reflect on our own special gifts...by looking at photos of Kim's great big round ass.                     From Popoholic.

By:|February 13, 2008


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Nasty Odor Causes Erection Loss, Stabbing

I think I'm going to let this little news item speak for itself. According to the TheTownTalk.com: Man cut by woman after refusing to have sex with her because of smell after she took her clothes off An Alexandria man got cut on the arm by a woman after he changed his mind about having sex with her because of the smell after she took her clothes off, police reported.  The victim told Alexandria police said he was headed to work Sunday morning and stopped to talk to the woman, who offered to have sex with him for $20, the report states. The victim said he followed her behind a building, but when she took her clothes off, the smell was so bad he told her that he changed his mind, the report states. The victim said she then demanded $10, but he refused, the report states. He offered to buy her a beer and cigarettes, but on the way to a store, she pulled out a box cutter, cut his forearm and then ran off.  Happy Valentine's Day.

By:|February 13, 2008


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Taco Belle: Elisha Cuthbert

Age: 25 Where you've seen her: Elisha Cuthbert played the only porn star you never get to see have sex in 2004's The Girl Next Door. Now she's known as Jack Bauer's daughter on 24. You know how you know that? Because JACK BAUER YELLS EVERYTHING HE SAYS. INCLUDING STUFF ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER. Tantalizing tidbit: When she was seven she appeared on the Canadian children's show called "Popular Mechanics For Kids." Which, oddly enough, wasn't that popular. (Have you heard of it?)          

By:|February 13, 2008


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Kimbo Slice Fights A Dirty Apartment

What Would Kimbo Do? - Watch more free videos We all get annoyed with our roommates. But unfortunately, not all of us are 6'2", 240 pound mixed martial artists. The next series like this I'd like to see is "What Would Kimbo Wear?" Which would be a show on Bravo where budding fashion designers try to please Kimbo with outfits they've created.

By:|February 13, 2008


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How Stupid Is This Reporter?

At this point, is there really anyone who's not sure what the f*&k happens to you when you get tasered? I love how every news crew has the one guy who "tests out" all the wacky ass/dangerous shit that comes through the news room for the color piece they want to run right before sports. How does the process work for doing these stories? Here's how I envision these pieces coming about: NEWS PRODUCER #1: Hey, it looks like that piece we have on soldiers coming home isn't going to be ready by six. We need to fill four minutes. NEWS PRODUCER #2: Hmmm. Well, I saw this new product that cuts a hole in your nut sack and then cleans your actual testicles. We could get Bob to try it out on camera.

By:|February 12, 2008