Holy Taco

Top 8 Celebs to Die in ’08

Because predicting when regular people are going to die isn't fun. 8.  Michael Vick He's in jail.  I know what happens in jail, I've seen Oz and watched that Adam Sandler movie, and I was horrified by both.  He's got a target on his back, and prisoners are just like middle linebackers except sometimes after they tackle you, they forcefully rape you. Likely Cause Of Death: I'm guessing it will be a shanking.  Just to show you how dangerous jail is, look at these everyday items you use at home, and see how the same items serve a different purpose in jail. 7. Joe Francis The founder of Girls Gone Wild who made millions off drunk girls showing their boobs, making every frat guy in the country say "fuck dude, why didn't we think of that?" Likely Cause Of Death: Karma, bitch.  God was nice enough to make alcohol so girls would show their boobs, then Joe Francis had to take God's gift and make a fortune from it.   That makes God angry.  I haven't read the bible, but I hear that's bad.  To show you just how much people hate him, here's his approval rating in comparison to some others:

By:|January 1, 2008

Let Your Friends Know They Suck. Officially.

Remember how awesome Mad Libs were? Somehow it was always funny to put the word "fart" into any sentence. Well, a new website called Bureau of Communication combines the spirit of Mad Libs with official-looking government correspondance. You can send an Airing of Grievance, Formal Apology, a Statement of Gratitude or an Acknowledgement of Occasion. All of which are made funnier if you use the word "fart." Send some to your friends today.

By:|January 1, 2008

Lily Allen Likes Anal Sex

I'll be honest, I want to have anal sex with every girl I see (yes, even the fat ones. And yes, even the fatter ones.) So it's nice to hear a non-porno crack skank discussing the finer points of going in through the back door. Lily Allen brought up her love of dirty, filthy ass-ramming not when she was talking to a girlfriend, but her dad. According to Showbizspy.com: Naughty songstress Lilly Allen has admitted she has anal sex with Chemical Brother boyfriend Ed Simons. The pop star, famous for hits Smile and LDN, made the shocking revelation to her father after he questioned whether she had slept with the 37-year-old. Lily, the daughter of actor Keith Allen, said: "I was with mum dad, his wife and my sister. We were all sitting round and I said my nipples really hurt today. "My dad's wife said maybe you're pregnant. I said no I'm not pregnant and my dad went: “Are you telling me you and your boyfriend have had sex?' "I said: “Well yes but I didn't think you could have sex by having it in the bum bum!' "I thought I would write a song about it that goes: “I didn't know you could pregnant from the bum bum'. Aww, Lily. Calling it the "bum bum" might be your way making it sound cute, but it's still naughty, sweaty, sinful, hair-pulling shitter-sex. At least that's how I imagine it.

By:|January 1, 2008

Taco Belle: Christina Milian

Age: 26 Where you've seen her: She's released a bunch of crappy music, she used to be an MTV VJ and she's been in a bunch of crappy movies. But she's hot, so it doesn't matter. Tantalizing Trivia: She used to date Nick Cannon but broke up with him after she logged into his T-Mobile account and saw some porno-type texts he sent to some girls not named Christina Milian. Real smart, Nick. Everyone knows that if you're going to cheat you need to send your porno messages via self-destructing fax. Get with the times, dude.          

By:|January 1, 2008

South Park Bingo Card

By:|January 1, 2008

2008 = Lots of Dumb Politics

Mike Huckabee wants you to know that he's not gonna talk shit about other republican presidential candidates. In fact, just to make sure you know, he's going to make a negative ad, THEN he's going to show EVERYONE the negative ad at a press conference, then not run it because it's negative, so you know he's not about being negative. I like this man's reasoning. Maybe this will work on my girlfriend: "Hey honey, just to show you that I'm not a cheater, I've gone ahead and put the head of my penis inside another woman, just to show you that I could have put it all the way in and started having sex with her, but I chose not to because I'm not a cheater."

By:|December 31, 2007

Happy New Year

I'm far too hungover to come up with anything interesting to say about anything. So here you go.

By:|December 31, 2007

Google Image Search Of The Day: New Years

I typed in "New Years" into the google image search and after perusing a couple pages, I found this gem. I only WISH I could go to a New Year's Eve party tonight where this band was playing.  Instead I'll have to hear nine different remixes of that "Under my umbrella-ella-ella-a-a" song. If you look at that dude on the right with the guitar and don't think he is one of the 7 or 8 most awesomest people you have ever seen, then you are a jaded and cynical person my friend.  I'm so inspired by him, I've written him a short fictional biography. Johnny "Rad" Radmonovich grew up in Soviet Russia during the cold war.  During his time in Moscow, he was part of a secret program where Soviet spies were taught never before heard power chords on the electric guitar that caused the assholes of those who heard it, to explode.  Johnny then decided his gift of rock should be used for good, so he hid on a toilet paper transport ship and made it to America, where he found five nerds who needed a guitar player to fill in at an upcoming Bar Mitzvah.

By:|December 30, 2007

Thanksgiving Will Never Be The Same

A lotta times people will walk up to me and say "Hey, why is everyone so fat?"  Most of the time, I answer with "Who are you and how did you get into my apartment?"  But now, I have a better answer.  People are fat because of things like this: A farm has created Britain's largest roast dinner - a turkey stuffed with 11 smaller birds. The True Love Roast weighs four stone and costs £665, reports The Sun.   The turkey contains a goose filled with a chicken, then a pheasant and small ducks but takes ten hours to cook. If that's not the biggest fuck you to starving kids in Ethiopia, I don't know what is.  Wait, I do know.  It's this:

By:|December 30, 2007

Paris Hilton and K-Fed: Team Stupid

I've seen a lot of amazing pairings in my lifetime; Joe Montana and Jerry Rice, mint ice cream with chocolate chips, Daryl Hall and John Oates (Go F yourself, they kick ass). But this New Years, we have been blessed with a new pairing, according to people.com: The unlikely duo of Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton caused heads to turn in Las Vegas over the pre-New Year's weekend. On Sunday, the duo partied together for the second night running. A source close to Federline told PEOPLE that the two hung out in Hilton's room Saturday after leaving the club. I know exactly how this meeting went down because I recently brought my dog over to somebody's house who also has a dog. They just sort of smell each other for a second, then one of them takes a shit and they start humping. Just in case you'd like to know what these two Mensa members talked about, I have a transcript: K-FED: I like your room. It has a lot of shiny things in it. PARIS: Yeah. I asked for a room with shiny things. K-FED: That's a good idea! I should do that. My room always has some shiny things, but not lots. Hey, do you have a place for me to make poop? PARIS: Duh, of course. Hold on, I'll get my assistant to bring you a trash bag.

By:|December 30, 2007

Monday (Step)MILF: Padma Lakshmi

Courtesy of ns4w.org Age: 37 Where you've seen her: She's been in a shit-ton of magazines, but you probably noticed her on hideously ugly author Salmon Rushdie's arm after they got married in 2004. Tantalizing Trivia: She has a 7-inch scar on her arm from a car accident when she was 14.  Somehow she makes fibrious tissue hot, too. Is she really a MILF? No! But! She was a stepmom after she married Rushdie. If you think this disqualifies her, please send all complaints to: I'veMissedThePoint@IDon'tLikeGirls.com                     

By:|December 30, 2007

Google Image Search of the Day: Friend

Typing a random word into Google Image Search can reveal some interesting results. I typed the word "Friend" into Google Image Search and this photo of an old white woman, a young Asian woman and a turtle came up. We'll explore the treasure that is GIS in the coming days, weeks and months. It never gets old. And now, here's the conversation that probably took place during this photo. A little something I call Google Image Search Theater: White Lady: Someone get a camera and take a picture of me and my Asian exchange student! Asian Exchange Student: We take picture of my Turtle, too! White Lady: OK! Say cheese! Turtle: I eat lettuce, insects and sprouts. Asian Exchange Student: You smell like Crisco and Cheetos. White Lady: I'm scared of foreigners. Curtain.

By:|December 27, 2007

Un-Lock Of the Weekend

Guess who won their bet last week?  That's right, this mo-fo right here!  I got one in the win column baby!  I feel like I felt right after I lost my virginity, and even better, there's no one sitting next to me sobbing, saying, "What did I do?  What the fuck did I just do?" On to this week's lock: BILLS (+7.5) over Eagles First of all, if you're out at a bar and someone is intensely watching this game, that person has a gambling problem.  On the boring scale, this game rates right between "C-SPAN 2" and "Student Film Festival." The Eagles put up 38 on the Saints and now everybody thinks they're some juggernaut.  It's like when Cuba Gooding Jr. did Jerry Maguire and everyone thought he was the next Will Smith.  Then he followed that up with Radio, where he played a retarded person who inspires us all, and Boat Trip, where it seemed like he played a retarded person who pretends to be gay, and suddenly his life was paparazzi-less.  This will be Philadelphia's Radio. I know Buffalo has a rookie QB, a shitty Defense, a shitty offense, but they're 7-8 and if they win this game, they'll reach .500.  If you don't think that means something in Buffalo, you've never been to that city.  They have nothing.  The entire town looks like a Wal-Mart right after they close on the day after Thanksgiving:  It's quiet, shit is strewn on the ground, a little fat kid is wandering around looking for his mommy.  It's a scary place.  As for Philly, they don't have hope there, so one more defeat doesn't mean shit.  Plus, Mcnabb ain't coming back next year, and this game is not one of those "thank you to Philly fans for being so awesome."  In fact, Donovan might just take the first snap and kneel down while he gives everyone the finger. RECORD: 1-3 MONEY WON/LOST: -320

By:|December 27, 2007

Fergie Gets Big Ring From Big Dork

Photo courtesy of usmagazine.com  Newly engaged Fergie, pictured here after drawing on her "I'm so surprised" eyebrows, was out and about yesterday showing off her engagement ring given to her by actor-fiancee Josh Duhamel, star of nothing. Fergie premiered a large diamond engagement ring during an L.A. outing Thursday. Holy Taco got a pic of this ring earlier, when we snuck in to Fergie's bedroom and snapped this photo of her, pre-makeup.  Enjoy.

By:|December 27, 2007

Tampa Bay Man Gets Lap Dance of Death

There's a few general rules you should follow when going to a strip club: 1) Don't touch the 'rippers. 2) Bring plenty of singles. 3) Try not to die in the Champagne Room. Some dillhole in Tampa nailed two out of those three after his two-hour marathon lap dance session ended when he stopped living. According to the St. Petersburg Times: Jason Transue was having quite a night at the strip club. Transue paid for one 30-minute dance, then wanted another, and another. The private session lasted more than two hours. All the while, Transue was "drinking heavily," Gloria told investigators. About 1 a.m., she asked some male employees to move Transue to another room so he could sleep. Club employees checked on him periodically, according to an investigator's report. At 2 a.m., someone noticed he had no pulse and was not breathing. A manager called 911. But Transue was already dead. "It's not very often," Pasco County Sheriff Doug Tobin said, "that we have somebody go in the Brass Flamingo and wind up deceased." That's gotta be a disappointing funeral for this dumbass's family. How does your mom explain to your grandmother that you died while paying someone named Candi to rub her crabs all over your thighs? Most Grandmas will only rub their crabs on grandpa, so you can see how this explanation would be a little awkward.

By:|December 27, 2007

Interviewer to John Cusack: Are You Kevin Spacey?

The act of conducting an interview can be a delicate ballet between the interviewer and the interviewee. Difficult questions have to be posed tactfully to put the celebrity at ease and extract an interesting answer or an exclusive sound byte. The interviewer should also know the name of the person he/she is interviewing. This interviewer did not.

By:|December 27, 2007

Natalie Portman Doesn’t Want You To Eat Shoes

Courtesy of popsugar.com If you're tired of biting into a shoe and finding a big piece of meat, then you're in the same boat as Natalie Portman. And she's (finally) doing something about it (thank God!) Her new line of vegan shoes will assure that there is no animal meat, skin or dairy products in your footwear. Some people might think that a vegetarian shoe would be good enough. No sir. Vegetarian shoes might have some milk in them...right? Whatever. Here's some photos of Natalie walking through an airport to get you excited about meat and cheeseless shoes.                     

By:|December 27, 2007

Peruvian Fight Club? Awww Yeah!

They have a festival like this in the United States as well, it's called "Going to Oakland Raiders Games." My favorite part of this video is when the narrator tells us "Officials see this festival as useful, as it allows people to vent their frustrations." It's true. Sometimes when I have problems with the coffee maker at work, I'll go outside and beat the living f*&k out of a passerby or nameless drifter. Afterwards I feel at least 30% better.

By:|December 27, 2007

Jessica Alba: Pregnant AND Engaged. Me: Sad.

In case you thought you had a better shot at Jessica Alba since there was a baby growing inside her that will cause her to gain weight thus lowering that pesky self-esteem that stops her from banging you, forget about it.  She's now engaged according to people.com Mom-to-be Jessica Alba was spotted over the Christmas holiday with a rock on her left finger - and the rumors are true:  She and boyfriend Cash Warren are engaged, her rep confirms to PEOPLE. My response is: Who gives a SHIT.  They already announced that she was pregnant.  That's like the Oscars announcing "Best Actor," then following that up with "Best Sound Mixing."  Unless they brought out that guy from those Police Academy movies to introduce it.  I love that guy.

By:|December 26, 2007

Thirsty Thursday: New Year’s Drinking Guide

Chances are you're on your way to a New Year's party this weekend. Instead of bringing a boring old bottle of Cristal, pour out a few of these and you'll be the belle of the ball,or at least slightly more desirable after midnight. Sam Adams Utopia What is it: The most expensive and strongest beer in the world. Tasting note: Instead of a regular beer, this tastes more like a cognac or brandy. At 27% alcohol by volume, this isn't something you chug with your pals. You sip it with your dad. Say this to sound smart: "The hints of toffee, raisins and plums are reminiscent of a fine port or brandy." Say this to sound stupid: "Beer beer beer!" Price: $120

By:|December 26, 2007