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By:|March 12, 2008


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By:|March 12, 2008


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P. Diddy Cares About Celebrities

I've always said, really rich A-list celebrities have it pretty rough.  So, if you can do anything to make their lives easier, well, you're doing God's work. Usmagazine.com reports: Sean "Diddy Combs plans to launch a car service for A-listers too tipsy to drive after a night out, Us Weekly reports in its latest issue, on newsstands now. "After partnering with Ciroc vodka, he wants to make sure everyone's partying responsibly," his rep tells Us. So, this is a car service for ONLY a-list celebrities to use when they're drunk.  First of all, this is going to be really awkward when Daniel Baldwin tries to use it and the chauffeur is like "ooooh.  (Breaths in through his teeth) Hmmm, uh, I'm not really sure how to say this but Secondly, and bear with me here, why is someone providing a car service for rich a-list celebrities?  These people shit money.  Are they so unbelievably f-ing retarded that they can't dial a phone to call a cab like everybody else who makes 1/100,000,000 of their salary?  Maybe P. Diddy can partner with Charmin's toilet paper and provide an ass wiping service.  How did P. Diddy make his fortune yet be this much of a stupid asshole?  All I can think, is that he had a surgery performed where doctors removed his brain and then filled his skull in with diarrhea.  I think that's called a diarrhea-ectomy.  Actually, I guess that would be a procedure where they take out diarrhea.  I'm not even sure what I'm saying here I'm so fired up.  Anyway, I decided to do a prototype of what the car service should look like.

By:|March 12, 2008


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What Are The New York Giants Thinking?

Why would the Giants sign perennial failure David Carr to a $1 million contract when they have already have Jared "I'm a Tad Overweight" Lorenzen filling the role as backup. With his overhanging gut and his pork chop face, the 300-pound "Hefty Lefty" is by far my favorite player in the league, and I'm not even a Giants fan. Let's look at "The Abominable Throwman's" stats from last year. Completions: 4 Attempts: 8 Yards: 28(!) Completion %: 50 (amazing!) Rating: 58.3 If you draw these stats out over a whole season, the "Pillsbury Throw Boy" would have, like, 300 yards passing! As you can see, the "Lord of the Ring Dings" is a completely capable backup. Are there any Giants fans out there who would rather have David "I'm Not A Great Big Fat Person" backing up Eli instead of "The Round Mound of Touchdown"? Leave your NFL insights in the comments section.

By:|March 12, 2008


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GF Sits on BFs Toilet. For 2 Years.

This one's pretty weird, so let's get right into it. According to msnbc.com: NESS CITY, Kan. - Deputies said a woman in western Kansas sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years, and they're investigating whether she was mistreated. It appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. "We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital, Sheriff Whipple said. "The hospital removed it. "She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body, Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself. The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend, Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call. He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom. "And her reply would be, “Maybe tomorrow,' Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom. How stupid do you have be to wait two years before you call the police to get your clearly insane girlfriend out of the bathroom? I imagine a lot of conversations like this: Boyfriend: Honey...breakfast is ready. Can you please come out of the bathroom. Girlfriend: Thanks, Hon. But I'm OK. Boyfriend: Are you sure? I made your favorite. Blueberry waffles. Girlfriend: Wow. That sounds great. But my skin has grown over the toilet seat. If I stand up my legs will rip off. Boyfriend: I even got that maple butter you like so much. Why don't you come sit down at the table. Girlfriend: It hurts so much. I can only feel pain. Please help. Boyfriend: OK, well come out whenever you're ready. I don't want to rush you. Girlfriend: Please, for the love of Christ, call for help. Boyfriend: I love you, too! Repeat 700 times.

By:|March 12, 2008


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The Greatest News Snippet Ever

You know you've got a real knack for journalism when you only need 70 words to tell the world about the greatest news story in the history of the universe. Bravo, Akron Beacon Journal, bravo.

By:|March 12, 2008


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Mike Francessa Freaks Out At His Producer

For those of you that don't know, Mike and the Mad Dog is a sports radio show in New York. Mike Francessa is on the left, Chris "Mad Dog" Russo is on the right and Jim is off camera getting his ass handed to him. Thanks to ExtraMustard

By:|March 12, 2008


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Browse Her: Brooke Banx

Age: 24 Where You've Seen Her: Brooke Banx has been in FHM, Status and Splat magazines as well as Gene Simmons' reality show and VH1. Her myspace page is also a "popular" site on the "Internet". Watch These Videos: Brooke Profile, Brooke Tribute, More Brooke                              

By:|March 12, 2008


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Creepy Or Sexy? Eliot Spitzer’s Whore

This, my friends, is "Kristen," a.k.a the alleged call girl New York Governor Eliot Spitzer allegedly paid $4,100 dollars to bang for one hour. Now, I look at this picture and think, "Would I pay $4,100 dollars to bang this woman for an hour?" No, because I'd last anywhere from 5-10 minutes, meaning I'd be paying $4,100 dollars to sit next to her in dead silence for 50-55 minutes, every once in a while attempting to stop the awkwardness by saying stuff like, "So, do you watch Lost? No? It's pretty good." That doesn't mean she's not sexy. But men pay to have sex with her, which is sort of creepy. I saw Indecent Proposal, I know how this shit goes down. But either way, it's not up to me, my friends, its up to you. So I ask you, in the midst of this scandal, the most important question: Is Spitzer's whore creepy....or sexy?

By:|March 12, 2008


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Lindsay Lohan’s Dad Wants TV Show

This is what happens when you give Paula Abdul her own TV show.  Suddenly everybody asks for one and lazy executives say okay because reading scripts is annoying.  It's like when one dog starts eating a pile of shit at the dog park; suddenly the other dogs see and assume it's delicious and join in.   Then the lazy owners stand around shouting out their dog's name in between turning to the other owners and saying "Bubbles never does this."  Anyway, Page Six reports: Lindsay Lohan's Bible-thumping father has slammed his ex-wife, Dina, for her reality show "Living Lohan," in which she features their youngest daughter, Ali. But it turns out he's got his own show he's trying to sell. "He wants to do a male version of 'The View' with [fellow born-again pal] Stephen Baldwin. It's not likely to happen." He wants to do a male view?  I could be down for that.  But I don't want him or the fat Baldwin on it.  I think the female view has a good formula.  Let's follow theirs.  We need four people like this: A person who's out of their f-ing mind and repeats phrases like "this is what I'm sayin" over and over again, even though were not sure what they're referencing they said. An old "journalist" with saggy genitalia A washed up comedian who's freakishly ugly A complete idiot that's attractive enough for the opposite sex to stare at when they start off sentences with "Here's what I think..." Without further ado, my Male View:

By:|March 11, 2008


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Another Beauty Pageant Screw Up

This beauty contestant screw up - Watch more free videos Before you make fun of her, you should try answering a question as difficult and complicated as, "What roll did your family play for you as candidate to Binibining Philipinas?" See, it's not so easy.

By:|March 11, 2008


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Give-A-Wednesday: Hot Shots Golf: Out Of Bounds

Write a caption of Tiger Woods and his caddy attempting to high five and you could win a copy of Hot Shots Golf: Out of Bounds for the PS3. Coming out on March 18th, the new Hot Shots Golf: Out of Bounds lets you play against 50 of your friends and gives you 300 options to customize your player's avatar. As usual, leave your caption in the comments section. See last week's winners after the jump.

By:|March 11, 2008


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Don’t Wear This Shirt To Your Mug Shot

If you're the type of person who gets arrested from time to time, you may want to consider your choice of garment before leaving the house. You may want to keep the "I'm Probably Lying" shirt in the drawer until you plan on lounging on the couch all day. Here are a few other shirts you may not want to wear outside: I Pay Hookers For Sex Please Don't Look Inside My Windowless Van I Run A Secret Dog Fighting Ring I Got Gay Married I Smoke Pot All Day Long. Like, ALL DAY. My Addictions Include: Heroin, Cocaine, Pills and Tax Evasion Most Of My Pockets Are Filled With Guns I Can Only Achieve Orgasm Through Torturing And Murdering I Am Governor of New York I Call My Basement "The Kidnap Room" I Agree With All Rap Lyrics

By:|March 11, 2008


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It’s Official: 25% Of Teenage Girls Are Skanky

If you're about to have sex with a teenage girl, you may want to go find a Cougar, a MILF, a GILF or possibly even a DILF. According to MSNBC: Researchers at the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found at least one in 4 teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease. Only about half of the girls in the study acknowledged having sex. Some teens define sex as only intercourse, yet other types of intimate behavior including oral sex can spread some diseases. Teens were tested for four infections: human papillomavirus, or HPV, which can cause cervical cancer and affected 18 percent of girls studied; chlamydia, which affected 4 percent; trichomoniasis, 2.5 percent; and genital herpes, 2 percent. The real tragedy of these findings are our teenage boys. If the boys aren't in the same STD bracket as the girls, it must mean they're having less sex. Which means the girls are getting their diseases from older, more disgusting men. When I was a teenage boy, I would've killed my family for a chance at getting an STD. So this begs the question: Who will have unprotected sex with our nation's teenage boys? Won't someone please think of the male, STD-less children?

By:|March 11, 2008


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Taco Belle: Rebecca Romijn

Age: 35 Where you've seen her: Sure, there was X-Men, X2: X-Men United and X-Men: The Last Stand, but I think we all know Rebecca Romijn best from the 12 unforgettable episodes from The WB's Pepper Dennis. Tantalizing Tidbit: She was first married to John Stamos and now she's married to Jerry O'Connell. No offense to those guys, but shouldn't an iconic leggy supermodel be able to do better than Uncle Jesse and the fat kid from Stand By Me?                  

By:|March 11, 2008


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Britney Spears Is A Cartoon

If you've ever thought, "Man, I really like the Smurfs, whore-ish looking women, and terrible music. If only there was a way to combine them, then I've got some exciting news for you. Usmagazine.com reports: Britney Spears' next music video is pure animation. In "Break the Ice," an animated Spears works her way through a futuristic environment. "Since Britney has been otherwise occupied this was a creative and fun way to do her next video," a source tells Usmagazine.com. I love that they said "otherwise occupied," like she had to give someone a ride to the airport. Publicists are awesome. Britney Spears could walk into a homeless shelter and start hurling her own poop at people and the press release would say "Britney's been helping out a group of transients even though she's been having some stomach problems." Looking at Britney, then looking at the cartoon representation of her, I think maybe they took a few liberties. It's basically the equivalent of this:

By:|March 11, 2008


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Politicians Only Apologize For Whores

Eliot Spitzer isn't only unfaithful politician - Watch more free videos It seems that if you're a politician, you can steal money, screw over tax payers, give kickbacks to your friends, and generally be a horrible human being, and no one gives a shit. But if you pay for sex, well, you better get your wife by your side and give a speech apologizing to everyone.

By:|March 11, 2008


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Kate Beckinsale Dances In Her Underwear

I love how celebrities will pretty much do anything, no matter how stupid it is, as long as you tell them what they're doing is an homage to something a French person did. Is it just me, or is it a little creepy when Kate Beckinsale poses in this. Someone needs to teach her how to do that. It reminds me of the dance little kids do when they celebrate the first shit they took in a toilet. Still though, she's really hot and I thank who ever B.S.'ed her into doing this.

By:|March 10, 2008


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The Lamest Dance Moves Of All Time

They say that guys who know how to dance are better at getting girls. Watch these videos and learn a thing or two, so next time you're out at the bar, you can make sure you will never, ever, ever get a girl. 8. Do The Douche Cut off jean shorts? Check. Gloriously tanned man-boobs? Check. The ability to play the air/dick guitar? Check. With this guy it's not a matter of if he'll get a woman, it's a matter of how ugly she'll be. 7. Mark "Mad Dog" Madsen You'd think professional athletes would have a little more coordination than your average person. You won't think that anymore after seeing Mark shame himself in front of millions of people. Coach Dances - Watch more free videos 6. Al McGuire I don't think I need to add anything to this.

By:|March 10, 2008


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Amy Winehouse Looks Amazing!

I never thought I'd say this, but Amy Winehouse is super sexy now. Is she using a different eyeliner? Is it a new shampoo? Whatever it is, she looks like a new woman to me. And I like this one way more than the old one.

By:|March 10, 2008


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