Jessica Alba: Pregnant AND Engaged. Me: Sad.
In case you thought you had a better shot at Jessica Alba since there was a baby growing inside her that will cause her to gain weight thus lowering that pesky self-esteem that stops her from banging you, forget about it. She's now engaged according to people.com Mom-to-be Jessica Alba was spotted over the Christmas holiday with a rock on her left finger - and the rumors are true: She and boyfriend Cash Warren are engaged, her rep confirms to PEOPLE. My response is: Who gives a SHIT. They already announced that she was pregnant. That's like the Oscars announcing "Best Actor," then following that up with "Best Sound Mixing." Unless they brought out that guy from those Police Academy movies to introduce it. I love that guy.
By:|December 26, 2007
Thirsty Thursday: New Year’s Drinking Guide
Chances are you're on your way to a New Year's party this weekend. Instead of bringing a boring old bottle of Cristal, pour out a few of these and you'll be the belle of the ball,or at least slightly more desirable after midnight. Sam Adams Utopia What is it: The most expensive and strongest beer in the world. Tasting note: Instead of a regular beer, this tastes more like a cognac or brandy. At 27% alcohol by volume, this isn't something you chug with your pals. You sip it with your dad. Say this to sound smart: "The hints of toffee, raisins and plums are reminiscent of a fine port or brandy." Say this to sound stupid: "Beer beer beer!" Price: $120
By:|December 26, 2007
Go Away New England Patriots
Who's not tired of hearing about the Patriots?! You're in luck! Now, their game against the Giants where they'll attempt to go 16-0 will be broadcast by not one, not two, but three networks! Yay! One game on three f&%king networks?! Why stop there? I think we need more Patriot-centered channels. Here's a few ideas. Tom Brady's Face Channel - Just his face, non stop. Mount a camera on his helmet so we can all stare at the glory that is his perfect face, for the entire of the game. Self-Satisfied Patriot Fan Channel - Non-stop clips of pasty white Patriot fans aggressively talking about how unprecedented this year is for the Pats. Ugly Boston Chicks Channel - A gentle reminder to every Boston fan who can't stop talking about how great Boston sports teams are, to remember how ugly the women in their city are. It's like a carnival settled there a long time ago and started inbreeding.
By:|December 26, 2007
Mischa Barton Hates Freedom
So, apparently last night, Mischa Barton was arrested and taken to jail. Unfortunately, this was not the start of a really awesome porno, but instead, real life. People.com reports: The former star of "The O.C.," 21, was stopped at 2:46 a.m. and arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol, possession of illegal narcotics and driving without a valid license. Wow. Drugs, booze, and no license. She hit the Celebrity Irresponsibility Trifecta. If she had just been carrying a baby in her lap with its head inches from the steering wheel, we would have been entering uncharted territory here folks. Here's what I don't get about this story: Mischa Barton is a super hot, rich, famous chick. I know regular non-rich, non-famous super hot chicks and they don't have to shit for themselves solely because they're hot. Like, some of them don't even speak a language because they never even needed to learn one. They just point at stuff and people bring it to them. So what the F%$K is Mischa Barton doing driving her own car when she's drunk and holding drugs. Just spin around with your eyes closed, pointing, and whatever dude is in front of you at the club when you open your eyes back up, he'll take you home.
By:|December 26, 2007
6 Naked Victoria’s Secret Models
I don't know why they're standing there without any clothes, and I don't care. I'm sure it's for some charity I've never heard of. And you know what? I still don't care. All you need to know is that you're looking at Alessandra Ambrosio, Izabel Goulart, Miranda Kerr, Adriana Lima, Karolina Kurkova and Selita Ebanks without any clothes on. Click here for the full image. Courtesy of egotastic.com.
By:|December 26, 2007
A Little Cat Moshing For You
Some Russian lady lives with 130 cats who apparently love to rock out to heavy metal. Can you blame them? Here's another link with the Russian news report and an interview with the weirdo who owns all these cats. There's no heavy metal, but there are a lot of people speaking Russian. Which is kind of cool, I guess.
By:|December 26, 2007
Taco Belle: Michelle Marsh
Age: 25 Where you've seen her: She's been in all the British lad mags and now you're seeing the photos from her new 208 calendar. Tantalizing tidbits: She's married to St. Mirren F.C. footballer Will Haining, so she knows her way around some balls. Courtesy: hollywoodtuna.com
By:|December 26, 2007
Paris Hilton Plastic Surgery Disaster
photo courtesy of freakingnews.com Imagine what kind of sex tape THIS Paris Hilton could make. Now imagine how incredibly annoying THIS Paris Hilton could be. Now weigh the pros and cons and let me know if you think it's worth it. I say no.
By:|December 25, 2007
No Swords For Prisoners?
Just when you thought the First Amendment couldn't get more awesome, a story like this comes along: An inmate is suing the Utah Department of Corrections for denying him his right to practice an ancient Nordic religion while behind bars. In the lawsuit, the inmate says he has been a member of the Asatru faith since 2005, and in order to properly practice it he needs items including: A Thor's Hammer, a prayer cloth, a mead horn used for drinking Wassail, a rune staff, and a sword. Let the man have his sword, come on! Just so I have this in writing, in case I ever go to jail, I am part of a religion called "fragiluscornholacism" and I need the following things to practice this religion: Electric prayer drill Prayer shovel Prayer rope (20-30 yards in length and sturdy enough to hold the weight of a man) Ceremonial change of clothes and fake mustache
By:|December 25, 2007
Jessica Simpson Sets Record For Loserism
From imdb.com Jessica Simpson may have set a record at the box office. Her latest film, Blond Ambition, co-starring Luke Wilson, took in just $1,190 over the weekend. True it was only shown in eight Texas theaters, but that's still an average of less than $50 dollars per theater, per day, meaning about six people showed up to see it in each location, each day. Six people a day? More people came to my fourth grade birthday party and I smelled like cabbage and said three words the whole year. Who was the genius who put both Jessica Simpson and Luke Wilson in the same movie? That's like dropping your lunch on the ground, then peeing on it to wash it off. To put in perspective how few people attended her movie, let's rank it in terms of the attendance of some other events.
By:|December 25, 2007
Patriots Fans + Alcohol = Awesome
The Patriots might be coached by the boringest weirdo alive and quarterbacked by the boringest sex machine alive, but that doesn't stop their fans from making this historic season interesting. Let's check out some highlights from a recent BostonChannel.com report: As stunned bystanders watched, a Patriots fan on his way into Gillette Stadium for Sunday's game leapt off an overpass and fell 17 feet onto the pavement below. "He thought he was going to land in a snow bank," said one witness to the incident. "All of a sudden he jumped. He was screaming on the way down, then he was silent," said another witness. Police are investigating whether alchohol was involved. "He definitely had something to drink. I think he had a great deal to drink," said a man who witnessed the incident. This news report makes me want to do two things: 1) Drink. 2) Root for the Patriots. 3) Drink some more. Congratulations Pats fans. You've got one more member of the Belichick Brigade. (Just please don't invite him to any of the meetings.)
By:|December 25, 2007
Jamie Lynn’s Mom: Satan?
According to usmagazine.com, the fallout from 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy has fallen on her mother, mayonnaise sandwich maker Lynne Spears. As soon as Jamie Lynn, 16, confided in her co-manager mother, 52, about her unexpected pregnancy, Lynne convinced her introverted daughter to break the news to the world on the cover of OK! magazine. "Lynne knew OK! would pay the most," a source tells Us. "It was her decision." What the hell is the problem with that? Finding the highest bidder? That sounds like some solid managerial work by mom. In fact, I know quite a few celebrities who might want to consider firing their agents and hiring Lynne Spears. (Cuba Gooding Jr. I'm looking in your direction.) I mean, what the hell is she supposed to do? Who would YOU sell the detailed story of your 16-year-old daughter's pregnancy to? And don't say "I wouldn't sell it at all, that's exploiting your child who you're supposed to love and protect." If you say that then you're a communist and you hate freedom.
By:|December 25, 2007
Chuck Norris Gives Humor A Roundhouse
Everyone likes those Chuck Norris Facts. Well, everyone except Chuck Norris. According to the AP, Chucky wants the world to know that when he does pushups, he's actually doing pushups and not pushing the world down. So he's suing the guy that wrote a collection of clearly mythical Norrisisms called "The Truth About Chuck Norris": "Some of the 'facts' in the book are racist, lewd or portray Mr. Norris as engaged in illegal activities," the lawsuit alleges. Norris, who rose to fame in the 1970s and 1980s as the star of such films as "The Delta Force" and "Missing in Action," says the book's title would mislead readers into thinking the facts were true. God, he's so lame. Does he really take himself so seriously to think that people really believe the statement: Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom. I hate Chuck Norris.
By:|December 25, 2007
Cycling Crash Makes Cycling Interesting
Watching a bunch of dudes in skin-tight spandex ride their bikes around in a circle is up there with watching five guys blow six guys. But watching a bunch of spandexed dudes crash their bikes, well, that's like..um, watching a bunch of dudes crash their bikes. It's better than watching them ride around in a circle.
By:|December 25, 2007
Pam Anderson and Douche Put The X in “X-mas”
Thanks to: hollywoodrag.com I'm glad I don't have 500 photographers taking photos of me stumbling out of my corner Fuddruckers, because I would be quite embarrassed, let me tell you. So, I feel the pain of these photos of Pamela Anderson and her amateur videographing husband Rick Salomon leaving some swanky L.A. club at 5:30 a.m. The loving couple have clearly been celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ by doing ecstacy or coke or speedballs or horse barbituates. By the look of Rick's peepers, he can see God, Santa and Rudolph all at once. By the looks of Pam's face...um, I admit I was only trying to look at her breasts. I can't wait to see what they do for New Year's.
By:|December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas: Here’s Weird Crap
Big Mr. Sunshine - Watch more free videos One creepy little kid + One grown man green screened in to look like the creepy little kid's brother = one incredibly creepy video. Merry Christmas to everyone from your friends at Holy Taco. If you're like us, your hiding in your bathroom right now, waiting for either alcohol or that shit in turkey that makes people sleepy, to kick in on your family members.
By:|December 24, 2007
Baby Jesus Made From Human Hair. Christmas Is Here!
If they had just used dandruff to recreate snowflakes, I think they'd have had something pretty special here.
By:|December 23, 2007
Michelle Rodriguez Lands on Go To Jail
According to popsugar.com, Michelle Rodriguez will be spending Christmas in jail. The bad girl checked herself into Lynwood Jail (aka Paris' temporary home) on Sunday afternoon to start serving her 180 day sentence after violating her probation multiple times. The judge made a point to say that she would not bet let out early. Personally, I felt this should have happened after her performance in Girlfight, but after scouring several law books, I found that you can't be imprisoned for sucking, unless you're doing it to somebody, for drugs. I don't understand this country at all.
By:|December 23, 2007
Now You Can Destroy Tony Romo
It's common knowledge that Tony Romo can't complete a pass if his favoritest vagina, Jessica Simpson, is in the stands. Now YOU can be his favoritest vagina by downloading a Jessica mask at RuinRomo.com. The gist of RuinRomo is that if a lot of people show up at a game looking like J-Simp, T-Ro's loins will fire up and make him unable to drill his tight end. The only instructions are: 1) Buy Tickets to the next Dallas Game. 2) Print out this picture in Full Color. 3) Cut out eyes and head. 4) Paste or tape to a heavy piece of paper or cardboard. 5) Paste popsicle stick to bottom for easy handling. 6) Bring it to the game and let Tony know Jessica is there for him! 7) Celebrate after your team wins! If you hate the Cowboys, it's your duty to show up at the next Dallas game looking like a Hollywood whore. If you love the Cowboys, well, you're probably a fatass Texan who could use makeover.
By:|December 23, 2007
MILF Monday: Mrs. Claus
Age: She's old enough to be a GILF ten times over. Where you've seen her: She's Santa's #1 skeez. She also hangs out with elves. Tantalizing tidbit: Rumors around the toy factory say she LOVES anal. Is she really a MILF? No one's really sure if Mr. Claus made her a babymamma, but since she sends a satisfied Santa on his Christmas run where he makes millions of children happy, she is definitely an honorary MILF.
By:|December 23, 2007
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