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Jesse Metcalfe Gets Knocked OUT

This video was taken outside an L.A. club where Desperate Housewives star, er, actor, Jesse Metcalfe was "clubbing" as the kids like to call it. People.com reports: A source tells PEOPLE the puncher in the video is Mams Taylor, the boyfriend of actress Taryn manning. According to another source, Metcalfe told friends that he was jumped because he had been talking to Manning that night. No immediate word from manning's boyfriend on the scuffle. I have to admit, I watched this video like 20 times and it made me happy every time. It's like mint chocolate chip ice cream except it doesn't give me the runs. Has Jesse Metcalfe never met a short buff dude before? Short buff dudes always give warning signs before they strike. It's like how a rattlesnake shakes its tail. First, little buff dudes puff up, which he does. Then they'll make contact with you in a disrespectful manner, which he does by gently tapping Metcalfe's face. Then if you still don't back down, it's punch city, baby! I like how Metcalfe goes down and then waits for some people to get in between them and THEN he makes his charge at them and is like, "trying" to get to the dude who punched him. Classic douchebag move. Well done, Metcalfe. Well done.

By:|February 7, 2008


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Lauren Conrad Got Sorta Fired

I really love it when people continue to put out stories as if stuff that happened on "The Hills" is real life.  Usmagazine.com reports: Despite reports, Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port weren't given the pink slip by Teen Vogue. "I just thought it was time for them to try something new," Editor-In-Chief Amy Astley told Usmagazine.com If you listen really closely, you can hear the sound of an MTV executive's hand up this woman's ass while they puppeteer her.  For the love of God, just admit that the show is fake and MTV decided they want LC and the other chick not named LC to do some other shit.  I mean honestly, them continuing to pretend it's real is the equivalent of me walking in on my girlfriend blowing some dude and her turning to me and being like "Oh, hi honey, we're just rehearsing for a play." Asked if the show is scripted she replied, "I think why they say all that is because there's so much editing." Excuse me, people are not retarded.  We realize and understand the process of editing.  I'm not a dock worker in the 1920s.  I don't shit my pants in amazement when they cut from one angle to the other.  People think it's fake because: a) we're expected to believe that Lauren Conrad would take an internship where she makes nothing even though she's making 25Gs an episode from MTV. b) they cut to five different angles in a conversation yet we see no cameras even though it'd be physically impossible to not see any unless you did more than one take of a scene c) why the hell do I care so much?

By:|February 7, 2008


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Drink This: Jacob’s Creek Wines

With Valentine's Day right around the corner, it's time to put down the 6-pack of Schlitz and pick up a bottle of wine. Lucky for you, Jacob's Creek has just released a high-end line of their Australian vinos. Uncork one of these before your big date and she'll think you're not the disgusting slob that you actually are. Jacob's Creek 2005 Steingarten Riesling Say this to sound smart: The bouquet displays fragrant and delicate citrus blossom overtones. Say this to sound stupid: Gumby! Serve with: chicken and seafood. Price: $27 Jacob's Creek 2004 St. Hugo Coonawara Cabernet Sauvignon Say this to sound smart: The French Oak used in making this wine enhances the complexity and varietal fruit characters. Say this to sound stupid: I readed the books. Serve with: beef, lamb, pasta and cheese. Price: $32

By:|February 7, 2008


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Anna Nicole Can’t Be Happy About This

So today is the first anniversary of Anna Nicole Smith's death, and people.com reports Larry Birkhead, her former lover, and father of her baby, left Anna Nicole a note on his website. Anna Nicole Smith I LOVE YOU AND HOPE YOU ARE PROUD OF OUR BABY GIRL. PLEASE WATCH OVER US AND GUIDE US ON Y OUR JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE. WE MISS YOU. 2-8-07 LOVE, LARRY AND DANNIE LYNN Apparently Larry was having a little trouble with the caps lock. Now, I'm not here to shit all over the memory of Anna Nicole. I think Anna Nicole shit all over her life, so there's no further shitting to be done on the memories. But I ask you, look at the picture above. The baby looks about as happy as my cat when I give it a bath. Not to mention, if you notice, Birkhead has put her in a shirt that says "Who's Your Daddy?" Yes, it's always hilarious when we put our babies in shirts that mock a vicious battle for their custody. Is there any chance this kid isn't going to turn out COMPLETELY F-ED up? Can vegas give us odds for this?

By:|February 7, 2008


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Heidi Fleiss To Play Joker

Hey Batman fans, it's all going to be OK. After Heath Ledger's sad and untimely death, I'm sure a few of you were wondering who was going to play the Joker in the future Dark Knight sequels. I think this mug shot of Heidi Fleiss should put all your fears to rest. As you can see, she's a natural.

By:|February 7, 2008


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Amy Winehouse Ruins The Grammys

If there was one reason to tune into the Grammy's, it would've been to see an emaciated and obliterated Amy Winehouse stumble up to the podium and mumble something about how the carpet used to be a reindeer. But it looks like we won't get that chance now. According to Celebritysmackblog: The US Embassy has denied Amy Winehouse's request for a visa, quashing her hopes of attending this weekend's Grammy Awards. Winehouse is said to be extremely disappointed that she will miss the event. "Amy has been progressing well since entering a rehabilitation clinic two weeks ago and although disappointed with the decision has accepted the ruling and will be concentrating on her recovery, the Outside Organization said. As disappointed as she is claiming to be, she is nowhere near as devastated as I am. Can we please hook up a satellite feed or something? Maybe a needlecam? I will do whatever it takes to get this mid-meltdown weirdo junkie in front of millions of people.

By:|February 7, 2008


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Is This Gay?

I'm not totally sure, but I feel like the lyrics to this song might be a little on the gay side.

By:|February 7, 2008


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Taco Belle: Bonnie-Jill Laflin

Age: 31 Where you've seen her: She started out as a cheerleader for the Golden State Warriors and Dallas Cowboys and then worked her way up to appearances on Baywatch and Ally McBeal. After years of climbing the media ladder, she finally reached the pinnacle of success in 2004, when she got a gig on the prestigious United Rockcrawling and Off-Road Challenge Series. See, dreams can come true! Tantalizing tidbit: In an ad for PETA, Bonnie-Jill appeared in a "Buck The Rodeo" campaign where she was topless and wearing Daisy Dukes and Cowboy boots with a tagline that said, "Nobody Likes An Eight-Second Ride." I guess she never met my girlfriend. Photos courtesy of HollywoodTuna.com

By:|February 7, 2008


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Cops Like To Party Too

First of all, this NEVER happens at the Holy Taco office. Although once the Fed Ex guy looked at me funny, but later I found out that it was just because I was wearing this shirt: Secondly, I like when the one cop starts rubbing his junk on the chick and pulling up her skirt and the announcer calls it "inappropriate touching." Inappropriate touching is when you accidentally graze someone's boob in the subway. What that cop did was rub his penis all over her ass. And if that's inappropriate then I don't want to be appropriate. Also, maybe if we let cops have a little more fun here and there, they wouldn't bust our balls so much when we run a red light or commit double homicides. I'm just sayin'.

By:|February 7, 2008


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Cops Get Nasty With Miss Nevada

Former Miss Nevada Katie Rees (pictured here after a passerby accidentally dropped a contact lens down Rees' pants) is back in trouble. Associated Press reports: The former Miss Nevada USA was held for about 12 hours in Clark County jail after police said she was stopped while driving about 3 a.m. Wednesday and became physically aggressive toward a Las Vegas police officer. If I had a nickel for every time I saw a porno that started like that, I'd be rich. Wait... doing the math.... actually I'd have $12.45. Anyway, Rees' lawyer Mario Torres says the cops used too much force. "Based on the information I've received, the officer was very aggressive with her. They used aggression against her," says Torres. He went on to say "They were aggressively aggressing her and then they picked up an aggression and beat her over the aggression with it, very aggressively."

By:|February 6, 2008


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Paris Hilton Likes Midgets

So this was a picture from the after party for Paris Hilton's new movie "The Hottie and the Nottie,"  Which is about a guy who is in love with a hot chick, only to have her ugly friend get in the way.  Unclear whether hilarity ensues.  I'm guessing it does so unintentionally. Looking at the above picture, you're probably thinking, "He posted that because it shows Paris Hilton dancing with a midget and midgets are funny."  You'd be wrong my friend.  I posted that picture because I wanted to give you a reference point before you laid your eyes on this picture: See, this proves once and for all that A)Tom Cruise dresses inappropriately for parties, and B)Is in fact a 3 foot tall midget.  I'm telling you, when they shoot his movies they put him in front of the camera and then the guy he's talking to in the scene is like 200 yards away, so on camera it looks like they're the same size.  I've seen the behind the scenes of Lord of the Rings, this happens people.

By:|February 6, 2008


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Quiz: Who’s Your Candidate?

Sometimes, getting political candidates crammed down your throat for two years before an election still isn't nearly enough throat-cramming to help you make your electoral decision. Instead of reading boring newspapers or watching tedious debates, just take this easy quiz and figure out which candidate best describes you. (Hint: If you're black, you probably wouldn't be described as "Hillary.")

By:|February 6, 2008


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Jack Black Replaces His Soul With Money

I try not to call anybody a sell out because if somebody paid me enough, I'd pretty much do anything. Especially if they paid me in cases of the delicious new Diet Pepsi Max, which contains zero calories but still has all the great flavor of the original! But I used to think Jack Black was really funny, so it bugged me when I read this story from variety.com today: Jack Black is back as the host of this year's Nickelodeon kids' Choice Awards. "Kids adore Jack, and his energy and unpredictability are a perfect fit for the KCA," said Marjorie Cohn, exec VP of development for Nickelodeon. Kids do love his energy. Such as the energy displayed in the Tenacious D short film where he drinks a bucket of band mate Kyle's semen. He hosted this once before and I gave him a pass. But two times, it rubs me the wrong way because he used to be what studio executives call "edgy." Anyway, I decided I had to ask him why he agreed to do this, so I went to h is house and walked in on this: I can't blame him. If I had that much money I'd get 300 strippers, all 316 division I college basketball jerseys, and then have them recreate my favorite March Madness games from the 90s. Take that ESPN classic!

By:|February 6, 2008


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Fat Guuuy With A Little Gun

Fat Guy With a Little Gun - Watch more free videos I can't put my finger on it, but there's something really funny about fat people and small things. For more proof:

By:|February 6, 2008


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Hit Snooze and Give Al Qaeda A Dollar

Have trouble getting up in the morning? Do you hit the snooze button more often than you should? The SnuzNLuz has a solution for you. This alarm clock connects to your bank account via a secure WiFi network and automatically donates money to an organization you hate every time you ht the snooze button. If you need some help, here are a few organizations that would help you get out of bed on time: The North American Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA): Every dollar goes to cornholing an eight-year-old. Possibly in the mouth. The Ku Klux Klan (KKK): Every dollar goes to making sure Obama doesn't become president. And then killing him. The Official Church of Satan: Every dollar goes to boring the shit out of you. We get it, you hate God and you worship Satan. Oooh, you're very scary. Racist Skinheads: Every dollar goes to a pair of Doc Martens, some suspenders and a crappy homemade tattoo that says "I R Wite." The Westboro Baptist Church: If God hates fags so much, wouldn't he pitch in and get you some better signs to tell the world about his prejudices? The Catholic Church: Every dollar goes to NAMBLA.

By:|February 6, 2008


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Christina Aguilera Has Two Enormous Baby Bags

I used to think babies were disgusting little slimy things that were either shitting or snotting or puking. But after seeing the affect they have on Christina Aguilera's mid-section, I've really come around to the idea of having a little one. In fact, I'm going to go out and see how many girls I can get pregnant right now.               

By:|February 6, 2008


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Britney Spears Reveals Why She’s a Mess

Rolling Stone this week released an article about the downfall of Britney Spears, according to people.com. Here's some of the revelations: When she was a teen, her mom let her have breast implants. Surprising, but not totally shocking. Her dad was an alcoholic That was shocking much in the same way the ending of Pearl Harbor was shocking. Through out her career she lobbied to appear sluttier Great, when she was hot no one would let her appear slutty. Now she looks likes a cross between an inflatable raft and a can of Pringles and nobody says shit when she dresses like a Croation hooker. She reportedly slept with dancer Wade Robson Excuse me, what? WHAT?! WADE F-ING ROBSON the competitive dancer?! You're telling me, when she was smoking hot and she could bang anyone she wanted to, she banged this guy?!: He looks like someone with cerebral palsy trying to shake a dump out of their pants. I bet even Spencer Pratt thinks Wade Robson is a douchebag. I hate everyone.

By:|February 6, 2008


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Give-A-Wednesday: Win Human Weapon on DVD

Write a caption for the above photo and you could win a copy of Human Weapon: Military Combat on DVD. This series will teach you how to kill grown men with your bare hands from the comfort of your Cheeto-stained couch. Leave your submissions in the comments section.  Winners will be notified via a two-fisted karate chop to the neck (or email, whichever's easier.) See last week's winners after the death-defying jump.

By:|February 5, 2008


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By:|February 5, 2008


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How To: Make A Super Bowl Commercial

How To Make a Super Bowl Commercial - Watch more free videos If you've ever wondered what are the ingredients for a Super Bowl commercial, wonder no further. Pay close attention to Balky Bartakomous. He's a national treasure.

By:|February 5, 2008