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How To: Make The Perfect Martini

Knowing how to make a proper martini should be mandatory for any man, woman and infant. So, we talked to Ethan Kelley of New York's Brandy Library to get the low down on the world's most classic cocktail. Get The Right Glasses Ethan: "As the old saying about martinis goes: One is too little and three is too many. So be sure to pick up some properly sized glass. A martini glass should never be more than 6 ounces but I find 4.5 ounces to be ideal." Empty The Crisper Ethan: "Some people think refrigerators are for food. Not so. Keep a stash of cocktail glasses (as well as beer glasses and champagne flutes) in the fridge to make sure your glasses are always martini-ready.  We all must prioritize." To Gin Or Not To Gin Ethan: "Vodka or gin? This is a very personal choice, and can take some time to decide which brand works best for you. Taste them all over and over again and then one more time. I am certain you will find something that really makes you happy."

By:|March 6, 2008


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Browse Her: Lindsay Marie

HolyTaco is kicking off a new feature called "Browse Her" where we profile the hottest girls of Myspace, Facebook and CSPAN (or maybe CSPAN II). And we'd like to thank Lindsay Marie for helping us get the word out about all the unknown hotties on the 'Net. You should probably thank her, too. Jerk. (If you think you've got what it takes to be a HolyTaco Browse Her, hit us up at our feedback email.) Age: 21 Where you've seen her: She's an up and coming Myspace girl with more friends than you've had hot meals, and she's also modeled for Destroyed Brand Denim. She says: "I am a very down to earth, easy going girl that just loves to have a good time! I love to be sexy and it seems to come naturally :)"                              

By:|March 6, 2008


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Spencer Pratt Writes Autobiography

If you were wondering who was going to be the next F. Scott Fitzgerald, wonder no further my friends. Perezhilton.com reports: Sources reveal exclusively to PerezHilton.com that Spencer Pratt is "in talks" to release an autobiographical book and he's ready to tell all. "He's close to signing a deal," an insider aware of the negotiations tells us. "He will talk about L.C., Brody and everything else you'd wanna know." I wonder if the book will be like the show. If so, expect to see passages like this: "I turned to Heidi. She looked, like, super hot. "Heidi, you look, like, super hot," said me. Heidi totally did look hot. I thought in my head that she probably thought in her head, that that was totally nice for me to say that. "That was totally nice for you to say that," said Heidi to me. I can't wait for this book to come out. Seriously, I haven't been this excited since I was 11 and found out there was a homeless dude by my house that would trade Hustler magazines for fruit roll-ups. If I may, I'd like to offer up my own cover for the book. Free of charge of course.

By:|March 5, 2008


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Mary Kate Olsen Dates The Encino Man

Mary Kate Olsen has moved on after the death of Heath Ledger. That thing on the right is apparently what she moved on to. starmagazine.com reports: While in Paris for Fashion Week, Mary Kate Olsen flirted with Lapo Elkann, the heir to the $7.3 billion Fiat auto dynasty, who overdosed on cocaine and heroin at the home of a transsexual in 2005. Whoa, that is shocking. To think, the people who brought us the Fiat are worth 7.3 billion dollars. I think dating this guy is a good move for Mary Kate for two reasons a)He looks kinda like Brendan Fraser in Encino Man, which is a highly underrated movie, and b)he's an international party boy. Who doesn't love international party boys? Just the exposure to the constant techno music makes things way more exciting. I mean, check out this scene with Mary kate from Full House. Techno Full House - Watch more free videos

By:|March 5, 2008


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Enormous Breasts Help Penal System

When you go to a website called WeirdAsianNews.com, you're just asking for it. So, from WeirdAsianNews.com: Serena Kozakura, 38 years old, was charged and found guilty of breaking into a man's apartment by kicking in a hole in his door and crawling through because he was with another woman. The bikini model was cleared of all charges after the defense council help up a plate showing the size of the hole that Serena was accused of kicking in. It was clear that the hole in the door was not large enough for the 44-inch bust model to squeeze through. "I used to hate my body so much, but it was my breasts that won in court, Serena said. Judge Kunio Harad of the Tokyo High Court threw out the guilty verdict, saying there was reasonable doubt over the man's story. I think we can all sleep a little better knowing that justice was done in Japan. Thanks to Ashley for the tip.

By:|March 5, 2008


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The 6 Most Narcissistic Celebrity Dads

Some celebrities and sports figures are so full of themselves that they turn their kid's names into a carnival of ego and arrogance. Here are the six worst.   Roger Clemens Kids: Koby Aaron, Kory Allen, Kacy Austin, and Kody Alec You must really love yourself, and hate your children, when feel the need to start all of your kid's names with K (for "strikeout"). If the Rocket has any more offspring he may want to consider using P (for "perjury") or O (for "Oh my God, I am going to jail.") Sylvester Stallone Kids: Sage, Seargeoh, Sophia, Sisten and Scarlet Seargeoh and Sisten? You know you can't get enough of yourself when you give all your kids names that start with the first letter of your name, and don¹t even give a shit that two of them spell out the sound you make when you accidentally sit on your nutsack.

By:|March 5, 2008


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Taco Belle: Denise Milani

Is this the third time I've posted Denise Milani in the last month? Yes. Do you have a problem with it? No. Is it possible to be "addicted to breasts"? I hope so.

By:|March 5, 2008


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Adriana Lima And Karolina Kurkova Write Slowly

So last night, Adriana Lima and Karolina Kurkova were signing autographs at a Victoria's Secret in the Grove Mall in Los Angeles.  I went there with a camera man, ready to ask people in line stupid questions, but was kicked out before I even fully removed the camera from my back pack.  I should have known there'd be a lot of security at a place where rich people go.  If the signing had been in Compton I could have been strapped with  dynamite wearing a suit made out of cameras and no one would have said shit. Anyway, I managed to work my way back in line, just so I could get Adriana Lima to sign my picture of Major League Baseball player Jose Lima, (I was going to have her write  "It's Lima time in my pants") but after waiting in line for 2 hours and moving eight feet, a lady came out and told us "the models are done signing stuff."  I was probably number 100 in line and in two hours, they didn't get to me.  Apparently it's really hard to write YOUR FUCKING NAME ON A PIECE OF PAPER because they couldn't even do it 50 times in two hours.  Anyway, here's some pics from the event.  I'm not bitter at all.       

By:|March 5, 2008


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Anna Nicole Smith Movie Trailer

I know we posted a movie trailer earlier today, but this one is so craptacular I had to post it. Is it just me, or was this first supposed to be a porno and then Willa Ford was like "Nah, I changed my mind. I don't want to get f-ed on camera," and then they decided to do this instead. Holy shit this looks bad. I love that they have the voice over say "The most anticipated motion picture of the year." I wonder if he read the copy first and was like "Man, this is hilarious. This movie is going to be really funny, can't wait to see it," and then it was really quiet for a few seconds and someone whispered, "it's not a comedy." If this piece of shit movie is allowed to call itself that then I'm going to start going around calling stuff "the most anticipated _____ of the year," too. Watch how much cooler it is: BEFORE: CO-WORKER: Hey, what are you making for lunch? ME: Peanut butter sandwich. AFTER: CO-WORKER: Hey, what are you making for lunch? ME: The most anticipated peanut butter sandwich of the year.

By:|March 4, 2008


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Hillary And Obama Learn How To Share?

I love how politicians, when trying to site trends and statistics that point to why they should be elected, say things like "No one in recent history who didn't win their party's primary in Ohio EVER went on to win the presidency." Maybe, but who gives a fuck? I wish she had just said "No one who didn't eat pancakes in San Diego on at least one Tuesday in February of an election year, has EVER won the presidency. I was at an IHOP there last tuesday eating a short stack, I didn't see Senator Obama." Anyway, since I heard these two might run on the same ticket, I went ahead and made a bumper sticker for them and gave it out to random people. Here's one:

By:|March 4, 2008


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Give-A-Wednesday: Win God of War Chains of Olympus

Write a caption of this elderly Ansel Adams and you can win a copy of God of War Chains of Olympus for the PSP. (If you don't get it, she's pointing the camera the wrong way.) As usual, leave your captions in the comments section. Winners will be notified via email. See last week's winners after the jump.

By:|March 4, 2008


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Creepy Or Sexy?: Victoria Beckham

Sometimes I look at her and I think she looks like those evil robots from that part in Terminator 2 when they flash forward to show the apocalyptic earth in 2037 where machines rule.  But then sometimes I see her and I think she looks like a stripper with two good years left.  Either way, I'm strangely turned on. Now, before you decide, I'm not asking you whether or not you'd have sex with her.  We've all probably had sex with someone we'd describe as "creepy," or "unattractive," or "a person with male genitalia."  I'm just asking you, when it's all said and done, is she creepy or sexy?

By:|March 4, 2008


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Is Chelsea Clinton A Russian Bride?

Svetlana Medvedev is the going to be the new Russian first lady this May, but I couldn't help notice her uncanny resemblance to former first daughter Chelsea Clinton. I'm not sure if it's the jowely face or the extra wide fish mouth or the power-hungry glint in their eyes that makes them look like sisters, but whatever it is, it's freaking me out. If Hillary gets back in the White House, I hope Svetlana and Chelsea pull some wacky Parent Trap-style caper where they switch roles and start an earth-annihilating nuclear war.  That would be hilarious.

By:|March 4, 2008


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The Onion: The Movie

After seeing Will Ferrell play the same character (he's stupid!) for the 50th time, I have to say I am rather excited for the new Onion Movie. And besides, how many movies can actually make Steven Seagal look good?

By:|March 4, 2008


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In Russia, Amanda Braun Hornies You

I've never been to Moscow, but everything I've learned about post cold-war Russia is that it's a nation of murdered journalists or journalist-murdering political figures. And then I saw these photos of Amanda Braun, a Russian model who doesn't seem to be either murdered or a member of any real political party (I'm pretty sure that backdrop is just for show.) Wow, you learn something new everyday.                    

By:|March 4, 2008


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East German DuckTales Cartoon

German Ducktales - Watch more free videos I think we all remember the cartoon Ducktales. Scrooge McDuck and his nephews went on wild adventures chasing after buried treasure. Apparently though, in East Germany, that wasn't exactly the story line. I await your back lash, Germany. I sit and I wait.

By:|March 3, 2008


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Carmen Electra’s Cleavage Honors John Mayer

Um, Cosmo honored John Mayer as their "Fun Fearless Man of the Year" last night. And while I don't like John's music, I did enjoy his work on the Chappelle Show. So I can see where the "fun" part of the "award" comes in. But "fearless"? I just don't see it...Wait, nevermind. Why the hell am I even talking about this? It's the stupidest award I've ever heard of in my entire life (and I won the "I Can Put My Feces On Anything" award in first grade. OK, I was in Grad School.) Anywho, Carmen Electra was there and here's photos of her boobs.               

By:|March 3, 2008


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Kevin Federline Is A Tub Of Fat

So, apparently Kevin Federline has become fat.  And since previous to this he was a piece of shit, he's now officially become the very catchy "Fat Piece Of Shit."  Usmagazine.com reports: Kevin Federline appeared to have packed on the pounds after hitting a Los Angeles Golf Course Friday. But his ex Shar Jackson says his fuller figure is the result of being a full-time Mr. Mom. "It's daddy weight!" she tells usmagazine.com.  "When you are a full time parent, sometimes you can't focus on you. Daddy weight?  You can't just start making up occupational reasons for being fat.  I can't tell my girlfriend, "No, I'm not fat.  It's just blogging weight."  I can't believe how fat Federline has become.  He looks like he's using that golf club to pick up a donut hole he dropped.  At this rate, there's no stopping his weight gain.  Here's a photoshop rendering of what he'll look like by 2010:

By:|March 3, 2008


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His Job Title Is “Pet Food Taster”

You know how Fido goes totally mental whenever you crack open a can of his favorite meat chunks? Well, he has Simon Allison to thank for it. From Neatorama: Mr Allison is a senior food technologist for Marks & Spencer with special responsibility for pet produce. He insists he relishes the task and has trained his palate to detect the delicacies preferred by dogs and cats - and their owners. "You have to chew it a bit.

By:|March 3, 2008


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Ben Roethlisberger Gets $102 Million? Really?

The Pittsburgh Steelers made Big Fat Ben Roethlisberger one of the highest paid players in the league yesterday. Yes, you read that right, Ben Roethlisberger. According to the Post-Gazette.com: Ben Roethlisberger became not only the highest-paid Steelers player ever, he's now among the highest-paid players in the NFL, and arguments can be made that he's No. 1. Roethlisberger today signed a contract that will pay him $102 million over eight seasons. It includes so-called "guaranteed money" of slightly more than $36 million and a $25 million signing bonus. Are good quarterbacks that scarce these days? OK, he had one good year and now he's worth one of the biggest contracts in the league? Does anyone realize that the Steelers lost all-pro left guard Alan Faneca to free agency? Do you really think the not-so-mobile (i.e. fat) Ben is going to have better or worse numbers next season? Are you tired of all my questions? So this brings up the real question: Who's Better Than Ben? Here's ten players I'd rather have on my team before Fatlisberger: 1. Tom Brady 2. Peyton Manning 3. LaDainian Tomlinson 4. Adrian Peterson 5. Tony Romo 6. Alan Faneca 7. Richard Seymour 8. Randy Moss 9. Flozell Adams (Just for the name. See also: Willie Whitehead) 10. Kordell Stewart, Charlie Batch and Bubby Brister And please don't bring up his Super Bowl win in an attempt to defend Big Fat Ben. His 123 yards, zero touchdowns and two interceptions didn't necessarily "help." I had as much to do with that win as Ben did. Can someone give me $102 million? I'll smash my motorcycle into my face if it'll help.

By:|March 3, 2008


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