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6 Unsung Groups That Will Change The Election

This presidential election looks like it's shaping up to be a close one. A few thousand votes one way or the other might do it. So, with candidates looking in all corners of the country for votes, we thought we might highlight some voting groups that don't normally vote, but will come out to the polls this year and make their presence felt. 6. THE FRAT BRO Historically, The Frat Bro doesn't vote, using the rationale that it's "gay" and "for gay fags." And being labeled a homosexual in the Fraternity world is the worst thing imaginable. Therefore, we can deduce that if voting is for homosexuals, then by association, voting is also the worst thing imaginable. WHY THEY'LL VOTE THIS YEAR: Although they consider voting to be homosexual, in contrast, they find putting their penis inside a woman to be the ultimate sign of masculinity. Young people have taken an interest in this year's election, thus if The Frat Bro wishes to "tear up some poontang" he'll recognize that a conversational knowledge of politics and an "I voted" sticker could work just as effectively as a roofie, without any of the legal ramifications. 5. THE PREVIOUSLY OBESE Previously these people were, well, obese. It's not so much that they didn't vote before. They probably did. The difference is, anyone who has lost a ton of weight is A) SUPER pumped up about their weight loss and will corner a complete stranger to talk about it, and B) share a bond with other previously obese people that is so intense it makes you think they survived Auschwitz together. WHY THEY'LL VOTE THIS YEAR: Because one of their own is running. Have you seen Mike Huckabee before he lost the weight? He looks like he was trapped in an avalanche of pork fat and ate his way out. Plus, he's more pumped up about losing weight than Mr. T was about any of the fools he pitied. Huckabee won't win the nomination, but if he gets on the vice presidential ticket, you better believe there'll be a stampede of loose skin towards the polls come November. If the democrats want to compete for those voters, they'll have to do things like this:

By:|February 5, 2008


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Just In Case Patriots Fans Forgot

Super Bowl -You Lost - Watch more free videos The Super Bowl was so long ago, some of your friends who are Pats fans may have forgotten whether their team won or lost the big game. Luckily, Vidigreet, a video greeting card website, has created an easily sendable ecard that can help remind fans who won and who lost (FYI: The Pats lost.) Vidigreet has video ecards for any holiday, special occassion or no reason at all. Send a few to someone you don't like today.

By:|February 5, 2008


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Horror Movies Can Kill Little Girls

When I was younger, I loved horror movies a little too much. My eight-year-old self would lie in bed, tears streaming down my face, terrified that Jason Voorhees would break down my door and hack me up with a rusty machete. As I grew up my fears subsided (only slightly, I cry for different reasons now) but that may not stop the killing machine in a hockey mask from pulling off one more murder. According to the Daily Mail: Like most children her age, Jennifer Lloyd loves watching her favourite programmes on TV. But when a scary bit is about to happen the ten-year-old has to leave the room quickly - because the sudden shock could kill her. Jennifer is one of just six known sufferers of polyglandular Addison's disease, which causes her to become ill whenever she is surprised or shocked. The condition means she is unable to produce adrenaline in response to alarm or any sudden form of emotional or physical stress. Instead her body goes into shock and her organs could shut down unless she receives medical treatment. I know only six people in the world have this condition, but now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I suffer those same symptons every time That's So Raven comes on.

By:|February 5, 2008


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Taco Belle: Mayra Veronica

Age: 27 Where you've seen her: There's a good possibility that you have been standing directly in front of Mayra Veronica, but have been unable to see her because her ass is in the way. (She has a large keister.) Tantalizing tidbit:  Scientists found a new planet and called it VeronicAss. It's right next to Uranus.                     

By:|February 5, 2008


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Is Britney Spears A “Piece Of Trash?”

So Britney Spears got a restraining order against her friend Sam Lufti. Usmagazine.com, tell us what it said! Lynne Spears says she and Jamie Spears went to Britney's Beverly Hills home on January 28 after hearing that the singer 'was crying" after getting into a fight with Lufti. Lynne claims the following. "Sam had told Britney that she was an unfit mother, a piece of trash, and a whore." See, that's not the most effective order of insults. I picture him saying all that stuff in reverse. Like, if this was a movie on the Lifetime Network, it would have gone down like this: (The part of Britney Spears will be played by Meredith Baxter Berney. The part of Sam Lufti will be played by T.V.'s Major Dad!, Gerald McCraney.) LUFTI: Britney, you're a piece of trash, a whore (stares at her intensely for a beat then...) and an unfit mother. WHACK! Britney smacks Lufti in the face. BRITNEY: I may be a piece of trash and a whore, but you're not taking my daughter with you to Iran. Whoops, I got confused with Not Without My Daughter, which is also a classic Lifetime film.

By:|February 5, 2008


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Patriots Publish Fictional Story Of Undefeated Team

According to the New York Times book blog: What's the No. 11 book on Amazon.com's bestseller list as of 1:50 this afternoon? That book is "19-0: The Historic Championship Season of New England's Unbeatable Patriots, from the staff of the Boston Globe, and an instant collector's item. Something tells me somewhere in North Boston Bill Simmons is huddled in his bedroom and reading this book out loud to his dad and his buddy Gus or Murphy or whoever. Can we stop with the Boston-centric bullshit now? Between the Red Sox and the Pats and this year's Celtics you whiners win all the time. Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? They lost. Get over it.  And if that's not enough to ruin your week, I have some more bad news: One day, Larry Bird will die.

By:|February 4, 2008


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Leo DiCaprio Has A Good Life

Um, I'm not even going to oral sex guess what's oral sex happening in that oral sex picture on the right. popsugar.com reports: Leonard DiCaprio must be voting absentee, because right now he's living the good life with his hot girlfriend Bar Refaeli down in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. I wonder if right after the Super Bowl ended, his assistant dumped a bucket of Gatorade on him and some dude with a camera ran up to Leo and was like "Leo, the guy who bangs your ex-girlfriend just lost the Super Bowl! What are you gonna do?!" and Leo's like "I'm going to Puerto Vallarta!" It looks like while Leo was mostly enamored by his girl's assets, he also made sure to keep up to date on his BlackBerry and document his vacation on his digital camera. You can't see it in the picture on the above left, but I'm actually there, behind him, snapping off a picture of what he's looking at in his camera. Celebrities are just like us.

By:|February 4, 2008


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8 Coaches Who Are Also Douchebags

Coach's teach their players about teamwork, discipline and toughness. It's their job to serve as a role model to inspire those around them to leave it all out on the field. But instead, these coaches only inspire us to laugh at them when they act like spoiled little brats. Whether its sucker-punching players, fighting each other or whining about the media, these coaches are great big bags of Massengill. BOBBY PETRINO, Atlanta Falcons (Kind of) Quitting on your team in the middle of an NFL season to take a college coaching job is one thing. But informing them by leaving a terse four-sentence note on their locker doesn't make you a douchebag. It makes you a douchebarrel. WOODY HAYES, Ohio State As a coach, it's your job to set an example for your players. For instance, if a player from the opposing team intercepts the ball, it's important to remember to punch him in the face as he runs down the sidelines. Woody is also remembered for picking up a yardage marker and hurling it across the field like a javelin when a call went against him in a game against Michigan. I think a good rule is: if you're angry and you hurl something that's not a javelin as if it were one, you're an asshole.

By:|February 4, 2008


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Taco Belle: Kelly Rowland

Age: 26 Where you've seen her: You've done more hearing of Kelly Rowland than seeing of Kelly Rowland since she got her start in Showbiz by standing next to Beyonce in Destiny's Child. But you did get to see a bit of her stellar acting abilities in such timeless classics as Freddy vs. Jason, The Hughleys and Girlfriends. Tantalizing trivia: Aside from Beyonce and Kelly, rumor has it there's another girl in Destiny's Child. But that rumor has yet to be substantiated.               

By:|February 4, 2008


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By:|February 4, 2008


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By:|February 4, 2008


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Willie Nelson Smokes A TON of Pot

Nelsonby krs601 This audio clip is from the "Alex Jones Show." I don't know where you can hear it, but anytime you have Willie Nelson on your show to talk about how he thinks 9/11 is a conspiracy and you get fired up and agree with him, you run quite a radio show my friends. I like how Willie is like, "I've seen a lot of Vegas casino's implode" like that suddenly that makes him a structural engineer. I was waiting for him to be like "I've seen Die Hard, I know how this terrorist shit goes down."

By:|February 4, 2008


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Everyone Watched The Patriots Suck

I must say, that was one of the better Super Bowls I've watched. And apparently, I'm not the only one who watched it. ESPN.com reports: The New York Giants' thrilling win over New England was the most-watched Super Bowl ever with 97.5 million viewers, a total that is second only to the M*A*S*H* finale audience, Nielsen Media Research said Monday. I did some research and found that in both the finale of M*A*S*H* and this year's Super Bowl, the story line involved Tom Brady choking. Oh that's right! I went there! I went there via photoshop!

By:|February 3, 2008


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Katharine McPhee Gets McMarried. Is McStupid.

Katharine_McPhee - see more hot chicks Katharine McPhee married her 42-year-old boyfriend Nick Something Or Other last Saturday: "(Nick) is the love of my life," McPhee gushed to PEOPLE. "This is a once in a lifetime occasion and everything is just perfect." McPhee wore a strapless ivory Manuel Mota gown and Neil Lane jewels (diamond and platinum chandelier earrings and diamond and platinum bracelets), while Cokas wore an Armani tuxedo. Fellow season five Idol contestants Kellie Pickler and Mandisa were among the 305 guests on hand for the nuptials. I don't want to rain on her love parade, but when a 23-year-old marries a 42-year-old, it usually doesn't end in storybook fashion. In fact, if it doesn't end in divorce...it ends in a funeral.

By:|February 3, 2008


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Heidi Montag Makes Music Video

So, this is the music video for the single off Heidi Montag's new album. The song is called "Higher." To watch this video and call it shitty, would be like watching someone eat a baby then tell them they were being "uncool." Popsugar.com reports: Apparently Spencer Pratt [Heidi's boyfriend] directed the video himself. Really? Because I could have sworn someone super glued a camera to the head of a Golden Retriever and then rubbed carne asada all over Heidi's ass. It felt like I was watching the start of a really crappy porno. I kept waiting for a lifeguard to walk over to her and tells her "beach is closed" and for her to respond with "but my legs are open," and then nasty-ass sex commencing. This is just shameful. Spencer Pratt is like Martin Scorcese if his brain was filled with Diarrhea.

By:|February 3, 2008


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Amy Winehouse Campaigns For Booze

Amy_Winehouse - see more hot chicks Actors and musicians often times use their celebrity to make the world a better place. Bono is trying to stop world hunger. Angelina Jolie is working to eradicate poverty in third world countries, and now, Amy Winehouse is trying to save her favorite pub. People.com reports: The rehabbing singer is pitching in to help preserve The George Tavern, one of her favorite London pubs. Before she entered into a U.K. treatment center, the Grammy-nominee suggested selling t-shirts to campaign against a planned apartment development which, opponents say, will ruin the bar's unusual 360-degree light. First of all, I like how she campaigned to save her favorite pub to get wasted at, right before she went to rehab. It reminds me of when my brother told my family he was going to try and lose weight and then took a job at Cinn-A-Bon. Secondly, she's not the first celebrity to sell t-shirts to raise money for a good cause. I just bought these from George Clooney, who's raising money for the atrocities being commited in Darfur, as well as promoting the blu-ray release of two of his films. Poor taste Clooney. Poor taste.

By:|February 3, 2008


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Terry Bradshaw Drops F-Bomb on Howie Long

At the 50 second mark you can hear Terry Bradshaw say, "Did you find a hat that'll fit that big f***in' head" to Howie "Big F***in' Head" Long. I guess being on TV for 45 straight hours saying the same thing over and over again (The Pats are going for perfection, Eli is stupid, the Giants have no chance) is enough to drive anyone to hate Howie Long. Oh wait, Firestorm already took care of that.

By:|February 3, 2008


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Emmitt Smith Has A Knack For Word Talking

Dear ESPN, I don't understand anything that Emmitt Smith has ever said. Sincerely, Holy Taco

By:|February 3, 2008


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MILF Monday: Michelle Obama

Age: 44 Where you've seen her: Michelle Obama is vying to become the first MILF in the White House...well, since that silver-haired stunner Barbara Bush. Is she really a MILF? Yes, yes she is. In 1999 she pushed so hard that a baby named Malia Ann came shooting out of her. Then, she pushed super hard again in 2001 and a little girl named Natasha (known as Sasha) popped out. Apparently she hasn't done any pushing since then. Tantalizing trivia: 100% of Americans would vote for Michelle if her campaign slogan was "Barack Obama's Baby Mamma." Also, 64% of all statistics are made up.                

By:|February 3, 2008


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It’s Super Bowl Sunday, Bitches

Before you dip your first chip into the guacamole. Before you crack open your first frosty brew. And before you black out before kickoff. Take a second to remember Kevin Everrett, the Buffalo Bills player who was paralyzed on the field in week one. Doctors told him the odds that he would ever walk again were slim and none. But through hard work, faith and sheer will, he defied those odds. Kevin Everett News Mix Up - Watch more free videos That heart-warming story is touching isn't it? OK, now you can start mainlining salsa and freebasing brewskis. Go football!

By:|February 2, 2008