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Britney Spears’ Meth Binge Bonanza

I think we finally found the reason behind Britney's erratic behavior. She's not crazy. She's crazy for meth. According to the National Enquirer: Britney Spears had been on a 24-hour meth binge before she was rushed to the hospital. The drama began at 2 a.m. Wednesday when Britney and Sam Lutfi checked into the Beverly Hills Hotel and she began doing meth. In addition to her mental problems the ENQUIRER has learned that Britney is addicted to crystal meth, and details her addiction in a front page story this week. Meanwhile, her meth habit played a key role in her recent hospitalization and friends told her mother, Lynne, that she hadn't slept since last Saturday. Her drug-taking went on all day, interrupted only by brief dashes to her home. What's she going to do next? Start chugging horse tranquilizers while shooting speedballs at Chuck E. Cheese? Actually...that sounds like a perfect Saturday. I'll brb.

By:|February 1, 2008


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By:|February 1, 2008


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By:|January 31, 2008


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By:|January 31, 2008


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57% Of You Want Maria Sharapova

Game, Set, Match. The results are in from Wimbeldoher (good God, that was a terrible joke) and 58% of Holy Taco readers would rather bang Tennis Star and Model, Maria Sharapova than Model and Tennis enthusiast, Anna Kournikova. Now here's ACTUAL reactions from real readers: AF to the M - Kournikova did a 27 year old Russian hockey player when she was 16. That troubles me. Dan H. - I thought you guys said you were going to have a comments section for who would you rather do? Jeannine S. - When are there going to be some guys on this thing? [Editor's Note] Jeannine S. makes a point. Unfortunately her point is stupid.

By:|January 31, 2008


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Eva Mendes Loves To Do Drugs

They tried to make Eva Mendes go to rehab and she said, "No no..." oh wait. She said "yes yes yes." According to DailyStab.com: Eva Mendes has entered rehab for substance abuse.  She is at the famous Cirque Lodge, near Sundance where Lindsay Lohan stayed. And she's been there for several weeks already, WOW!  We wish her the best.  Her rep says: "Eva has been working hard for the past year and made a positive decision to take some much-needed time off to proactively attend to some personal issues that, while not critical, she felt deserved some outside professional support. Out of respect for Eva's privacy, we do not wish to discuss further details. To me, "proactively attending to some personal issues" usually means drinking straight from the Heineken Mini Keg in my fridge. But if she'd prefer to go to a spa instead of waking up on the floor of her tiny apartment wearing one pant leg and half a condom, then good for her.

By:|January 31, 2008


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Orson Welles Drank His Face Off

Getting drunk is one thing. But getting totally wasted right before you film a TV commercial is what separates the part-time drinkers from the life-destroying booze-aholics. Raise a toast to Orson this weekend...or the next time you have to film a commercial.

By:|January 31, 2008


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Hipsters Do Stupid Things

I really tried to think this was cool and interesting. I really did. But I couldn't help but feel that if I was in Grand Central station when this was going on, I would have stood in the middle of them and yelled "HEY! Some guy is outside giving away bottles of a medium bodied sangiovese, along with pamphlets about various trade embargos that have lots of information you could recite to sound smart at parties!," and watched them drop the act and scurry like rats outside. In closing, I don't like hipsters.

By:|January 31, 2008


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Tony Soprano Gets Punchy With Fan

The guy who plays Tony Soprano had a little bit of an altercation with an overzealous fan at JFK airport yesterday. Here's how I imagine it went down:  Fan: Hey Tony! It's Tony Soprano! Hey! Check it out! I love your show! I watch it all the time, man. I like it when you "wack" those guys. Man, that show is awesome! So what happened at the end? Did you "wack" some guy or did you get wacked? My TV just stopped showin' stuff and it went all black. I didn't even see it, man. Hey, I like that hat. Where'd you get that hat? Can I see it? Guy Who Played Tony Soprano: OK, just stand here and look straight ahead. Don't listen to this guy. Just stand still and think about your beard. Sticks and stones can...awww screw it. I'm going to smash his face in. Fan: Hey what are you doing! Are you "wacking" me? Hey, check it out! I'm getting "wacked" by Tony Soprano! Yes!

By:|January 31, 2008


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ESPN’s Chris Berman Swears When He’s Angry

Chris Berman Loses His Cool - Watch more free videos I enjoyed this video of an irate Chris Berman so much that I transcribed it. Somehow it makes it funnier to read along. According to ESPN's Chris Berman: "When I'm doin' TV and I got 18...godammit! Can't everybody stop for 10 minutes? I mean everybody seems that that's the only...everybody can we st...Jesus Christ! I mean it's not that much to ask. Is that when everybody has to move when I'm trying to concentrate? Jesus! I mean that's so rude I can't believe that that, that's so goddamn rude! Why does everyone all of a sudden have to move? You got two f***in' hours to move around. Wait ten minutes. Jesus! I'm sorry to explode like that but that...it's like no one's worked on TV here before? Jesus! Sunk in under the...What the f*** do they think they're doin'? I really...I actually can't believe what I just saw. It's like no one here has worked on TV before. I hear a dial tone. There was seven people, I mean Jesus! We need to use this studio for 15 f***in' minutes, just everybody ya know."

By:|January 31, 2008


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Taco Belle: Denise Milani

Age: 27 Where you've seen her: Please don't ask me any questions about Denise Milani. Too busy looking at photos. Tantalizing tidbit: I don't know. I gave you her age, what more do you want? You want to know that she's a Czech model with 32DDDs? Then look it up yourself. I told you I was busy. Just leave me alone.                     Courtesy of pickmeupnews.com

By:|January 31, 2008


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Wipe Out Of Nerdy Proportions

Jm Sicotte crashed on a dirtsurfer - Watch more free videos First of all, I have no idea what these things are that they're riding. If I'm gonna wipe out riding something, it's gonna be something cool like a Harley or Jessica Alba. I feel like this design came to some nerd in his dreams, and he woke up sweaty and excitedly drew a sketch of it, then masturbated to the blond chick from Battlestar Galactica to calm himself down.

By:|January 31, 2008


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Osama Bin Laden Lives In Colombia

Wow. This takes balls. My favorite part is that he thinks that as a security guard, if he dresses like Osama Bin Laden, instead of people being like "Holy Shit, that's Osama Bin Laden!," people will be like "Whoa, that's Osama Bin Laden. We better not shoplift."

By:|January 30, 2008


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Britney Spears Back To The Crazy House

Every time Britney Spears tries to leave the hospital, THEY PULL HER BACK IN! Actually, she went willingly, I just wanted to make a Godfather III reference. Yesterday she admitted herself to Cedars-Sinai medical center for being crazy or drunk, or whatever was on the checklist when she walked in. People.com reports: The pop star went willingly, and she's "More comfortable" receiving medical care. "She'll be in there for at least 72 hours getting evaluated. She might even stay longer," says the source. "She's more comfortable this time, she came into the waiting area, had a cigarette, made a joke about being there again. She made a joke? I wonder what it was. I hope it was a "Yo Mamma" joke. I love those. Maybe, "Yo Mamma's such a bad parent, her daughters have severe emotional instability and self-esteem problems that cause them to act out by doing narcotics and having intercourse with random men." Anyway, I snuck into the hospital, but I only had enough time to snap a pic of the food tray they brought her. Oh my God! Jon Benet! What a terrible ending to her saga. [Editor's note] If making a fake gravestone for Amy Winehouse didn't assure me a spot in hell, I'm pretty sure insinuating Britney Spears devoured Jon Benet Ramsey's severed head probably will.

By:|January 30, 2008


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NFL Teams Make Terrible Rap Songs

Do you often mistake Jerry Rice for Jay-Z? Jim McMahon for Method Man? No, you don't. That's because in the 80s a few NFL teams thought it would be a good idea to make rap songs with repetitive lyrics, cheesy special effects and embarrassing dance moves. Here are six of them. Miami Dolphins - Can't Touch Us - Watch more free videos 6. Miami Dolphins - Can't Touch Us This video features such timeless classics as Zubaz pants, MC Hammer and a keytar. The only thing missing is ALF and Mr. T playing with a Rubix Cube. [Editor's Note: Please be sure to note the late, great Reggie Roby (#4). He's the Jackie Robinson of punting.] San Francisco 49ers Rap Song - Watch more free videos 5. SF 49ers - We're The 49ers Apparently Jerry Rice borrows his rapping skills from Stephen Hawking and his sweaters from Bill Cosby.

By:|January 30, 2008


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Hillary Clinton Is A Scientologist

Hillary Clinton and Tom Cruise on the Campaign Tra - Watch more free videos Who wouldn't vote for a Clinton/Cruise ticket this November?

By:|January 30, 2008


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Taco Belle: Karolina Kurkova

Age: 23 Where you've seen her: Karolina Kurkova has been a Victoria's Secret Angel, appeared in numerous magazines and starred in a movie called "My Sexiest Year" with wuvvable wittle Frankie Muniz. I don't care if Karolina is in this movie. If it shows Frankie gettin' it on, it's coming off my Netflix queue. Tantalizing tidbit: Her father is Josef Kurka, a Czech basketball player. Whether or not Karolina can pull off a two handed jam remains to be seen. (I told you I wasn't going to watch "My Sexiest Year.") She once said: "Mother Nature made me the way I am, and I should be happy."               

By:|January 30, 2008


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How To Work Out Your Groin Muscle

costco joyride - Watch more free videos This is the iJoy Ride exercise machine. Sometimes I think at these companies that make exercise machines, there's a hundred designers, 99 of which are totally serious and dedicated to making good workout equipment. But then there's one guy who smokes pot on his lunch break and eats abba zabbas and all he does all day is try to think of different ways he can make people look like they're having sex when they work out. Then when the bosses okay his design for the machine, he giggles uncontrollably to himself and and says under his breath "awesome."

By:|January 30, 2008


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By:|January 29, 2008


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Indiana Jones Likes Bazookas

photo courtesy of empireonline.com  This is a production still from the upcoming "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull."  Here's to ruining a great franchise!  Here's a poster from the Crystal Skull back when it was under it's working title: I'm a huge Indiana Jones fan, but seeing Shia LeBeouf in an Indiana Jones movie  is like eating an amazing steak while someone takes a crap on my chest.  Still, I'll be there opening night with the rest of the virgins.

By:|January 29, 2008