Amy Winehouse Flow Chart
Amy's been in trouble lately, so I've taken the time to make a flow chart to better explain how she gets into these troublesome situations.
By:|December 18, 2007
Ashlee Simpson Craps All Over Art
If you're like me, several times a day you think, "Man, I love the musical stylings of Ashlee Simpson. I also love the paintings of 1950s Surrealist artist Salvador Dali. If only someone could somehow combine the two." Well, our prayers have been answered in Ashlee Simpson's new music video! "I went to [Salvador] Dali's museum in Paris and was really inspired by the surrealism," she explains on the second day of the Burbank, Calif., shoot. If only Dali himself were alive to see this! I'm sure he'd beam with pride! I love when untalented celebrities visit museums and historical monuments and then decide they were moved and will now incorporate them into their next crappy endeavor. I can't wait until she tours World War II sites and decides to have the cover of her new album be her imprisoned in Auschwitz. Let's take a look at an artists rendering!
By:|December 18, 2007
The Only Sex I Like is of the Choking Variety
Squeeze Fetish - Watch more free videos I used to think I enjoyed the occassional perverted deviance in the bedroom. Then I saw the Internet and realized that the ol' fashioned doggystyle hairpull doesn't cut it with some people. If you can only get off when someone chokes the shit out of you with their thighs, maybe it's time to take a step back and get some perspective on your life. Nah, fuck it. Just get a Thighmaster and a video camera.
By:|December 18, 2007
Like Pain? Watch Jackass 2.5 Online for Free.
If you don't mind downloading a Microsoft Application, you can watch the entire one-hour sequel to Jackass 2 (it's basically extras and a few new bits). This Microsoft download might sell all your credit card information to someone in Nepal, but that's still worth watching someone wear a pube beard, right? Click here to get it.
By:|December 18, 2007
Taco Belle: Lucy Pinder
Source: hollywoodtuna.com Age: 23 (She turns 24 tomorrow.) Where you've seen her: Her breasts were voted "best all-natural pair in the world". If that's not enough, she's also been in English skin rag Nuts, showing off said best all-natural pair. Tidbit Trivia: Just this month Lucy announced that she is a lesbian. So, go ahead and let your imagination do whatever it wants with that little factoid.
By:|December 18, 2007
I Knew I Recognized Her
Both entertaining vocalists. Both fail to give me a boner. One fails worse than the other, I'll let you decide which.
By:|December 18, 2007
Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant. Britney Still Just Fat
TMZ reports: Jamie Lynn Spears, 16, has confirmed to OK! Magazine that she is pregnant. A source tells us the interview, which hits stands tomorrow, is six pages and is on the record with Jamie Lynn and her mother. She tells the mag that the father is Casey Aldridge who she has been dating for some time and first met at church. Brit's younger sister, star of Nick's "Zoey 101," says she's keeping the baby. Wow, way to go Jamie Lynn. Now that's how you out-slutty big sis! That'll teach her for getting all fat and manic depressive so she could steal all those headlines. I wonder if they'll write Jamie Lynn's pregnancy into her Nickelodeon show Zoey 101. I'll start watching if they do. If you're white trash, this really puts shit in perspective for you. Somewhere a family in the rural mountains of Arkansas is sitting around their lawn furniture saying "why did we have to be born ugly. This could have been us."
By:|December 18, 2007
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DMX!
Today is DMX's birthday. I'm not sure if all of you fully understand the awesomeness that is DMX. I know Chuck Norris is hot right now, but I DEFY you to watch this video and not look me in the blog and tell me DMX wouldn't bite off Norris' arm then smack him around with it. The man is a national treasure. Happy birthday DMX!
By:|December 17, 2007
The 10 Best Dog Humping Videos
Because your household objects aren't going to hump themselves. 10. As the old saying goes, some days you get the bear and some days the bear gets you. But other days you get the bear off the top of the La-Z-Boy and then hump it so hard you catch a few inches of air. Those are the really good days. Dog Gets Frisky With Bear - Watch more free videos 9. You know, when you are consumed by the need to dance, you can't be expected to notice everything that's going on around you. Horny Dog Ruins Music Video - Watch more free videos 8. Teaching an old dog new tricks is pretty difficult. But teaching any dog to hump your leg looks pretty easy.
By:|December 17, 2007
Why Does God Tease Me, Matthew McConaughey?
Photo courtesy of x17online.com From aceshowbiz.com Matthew McConaughey got hurt during fight training for his forthcoming film "The Grackle." The movie hunk was training for his role as a fighter in the New Line Cinema comedy flick when he accidentally cut his face and ended up getting stitches. I wasn't really sure how much I hated McConaughey until I read this article. Right when I got to the part where it says "accidentally cut his face," I found myself excitedly mouthing the words "and now is hideously disfigured, and is now hideously disfigured," and then way too disappointed when I read further and saw he was fine, then saw that picture of him smiling and most likely about to remove his shirt. {Editor's note} I realize that my hatred for McConaughey makes me sound like a bitter ugly dude. Maybe. Very possible. I have trouble getting women to have sex with me, yes. I don't have all of my hair. I don't- not sure where I'm going with this. Oh yeah, I remember. For those of you who don't hate McConaughey, ask yourself this: "How can I like a man who poses for a picture like this?"
By:|December 17, 2007
Winehouse Dad to Doherty: Don’t Turn Amy Skankier
From people.com Now that her husband is in Jail, Amy Winehouse seems to be spending more time with Pete Doherty - and her father is not happy about it. "I do worry about people like Pete Doherty. He's a scumbag," the upset father told the magazine. Wait, Amy Winehouse's dad is worried about her hanging out with a bad influence? She's a cokehead who wanders the streets aimlessly in the early hours of the morning. Unless Pete Doherty is heavily into sodomizing animals, I'd say the only kind of influence he could be is a good one. "I know the real problem is she's depressed about Blake (her husband) being in prison," said Mitch Winehouse. "I wasn't in favor of the marriage, but they are married and I will support them. And he's shown while he's been in prison a level of maturity that he didn't have before." First off, of course he's more mature now that he's in prison. You try watching your butthole 24/7 to make sure no one sticks anything in it and see how mature you get. Secondly, your daughter is a mess, take some responsibility! This isn't like getting food poisoning where you can blame a restaurant for the diarrhea you're having. You raised this weird-adam-sandler-looking drug addict, now man up.
By:|December 17, 2007
Mike Huckabee and Fatasses say “Merry Christmas”
Ex fatty fats Mike Huckabee showed a true pledge of support for his currently fatty fats sons in the Huckabee Family Christmas Card this year. Every good tailor knows that if you and Grimace share the same body type, then you may want to pack your wardrobe with vertical stripes to take some of the pear off your pear-shaped ass. But it clearly doesn't finish the job. Huckabee's sons, who I assume are named Frisch's Big Boy and Wendy's Double w/ Cheese, are clearly too far gone to be helped. At least the one on the left is thinking, "If I crouch down low enough, no one will see my disgusting fatbody." While Frisch's Big Boy in the middle has clearly resigned himself to marrying anyone with a fat fetish. And the little girl on the far right, well, she's just happy she hasn't been eaten yet.
By:|December 17, 2007
Taco Belle: Sandra Nilsson
Age: 21 Where you've seen her: She's Swedish, so unless your name is Bjorn or Sven or ABBA, you've probably never seen her before. But, she's going to be Playboy's Playmate in January 2008. So you can see almost all of her in a month. Tidbit Trivia: She was voted the 7th hottest woman in Sweden last year. If there are six girls hotter than her, I am very willing to denounce my citizenship and move in with my old buddies Sven and ABBA forever.
By:|December 17, 2007
Ali Larter Engaged to Ken Doll
People.com reports Heroes star Ali larter and her longtime boyfriend, actor Hayes MacArthur, got engaged over the weekend. For the love of God look at this guy. He doesn't even look real. He looks like he was created in a laboratory by Nazi scientists. Even his name is super white. I dare you to use the name "Hayes MacArthur" in a sentence without also using the words "parents have an estate in the Hamptons." Larter, 31, has made it clear she has been more than ready for a proposal. "I told my boyfriend after three weeks that I wanted to marry him and that we could do it tomorrow," Larter recently said. Good for them. But seriously though, can there be a whiter couple? Every time I look at them I feel like I'm having that nightmare where I'm stuck at a Dave Matthews concert and right when I think it's over, these two start screaming "play Ants Marching again!" and Matthews is like, all too ready to oblige. Then I wake up screaming and the Golf Channel is blaring except I never even turned the television on.
By:|December 17, 2007
Posh Spice Has Disgusting Armpit Fat
This is what you get when you try to cram a bunch of 40-something has-beens into cellophane or sheet metal whatever the hell this dress is made of. You get a whole lotta back fat squeezing out the sides like an overstuffed peanut butter sandwich. This photo makes her body look like it's just skin and bone held together with a bunch of staples. Is she one of those fat people who loses 600 pounds and has their skin hanging off them like it's drapes? Only one man can answer that, and he's too busy getting his eyebrows exfoliated to notice. (I'm not saying he's gay, I'm just saying he likes the look of a nicely exfoliated eyebrow.)
By:|December 16, 2007
Pam Anderson Divorces, Remarries. No One Cares.
According to people.com, Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Rick Solomon after two months of marriage. Anderson, 40, filed for divorce Friday in Los Angeles Superior Court citing irreconcilable differences. What? These two couldn't make it work? But wait, now they're saying they might get back together. I hope so because if they can't make it work, what the hell chance is there for the rest of us? For those of you who don't know, Rick Solomon is the guy who made a sex tape with Paris Hilton, then not only sold the tape and reaped the profits, but went the extra mile by hosting the tape which consisted of him saying stuff like, "So this is the scene where Paris blows me. Enjoy." On the creepy meter he ranks just behind this guy. The former Baywatch star married Salomon, 39, at the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas on Oct. 6 - during an hour-and-a-half break between two magic shows Anderson was performing. If you get married on your f%&king lunch break, that's maybe a sign shit might not work out between you and the mister.
By:|December 16, 2007
What Would Jesus Masturbate To?
The lord works in mysterious ways. Sometimes you can see him in the smile of a child, other times he comforts you through the actions of a stranger. And there are even other, crazier times when he uses a porn-addicted reverend to teach you his message of peace and goodwill towards man (and two women and possibly a donkey.) Reverend Brian James of Tampa has admitted that he is very aware of Captain Stabbin', Bang Bus and all the other websites you go to and then clear your history so your mom doesn't figure out you're the disgusting pervert you really are. According to the St. Petersburgh Times: "I have preached, taught, visited, married, buried, I even administrated a little, but have not lived up to the sacred vows of ministry entrusted to me," James said, as he read from a prepared statement. "I need to share with you that I have developed an addiction to adult online pornography." The revelation came as no surprise to most who attended Sunday services. News of the pastor's addiction spread quickly after he told the Staff Parish Relations committee last Monday. Still, many in the crowd wept as James - a husband, father of four and seven-year leader of the 1,400-member congregation - delivered his statement in a shaky voice. James, 45, announced he would take an indefinite voluntary leave of absence to address his problem. He and his family will be able to stay in their church-owned home for up to three months. Aside from the regular questions this raises, the one that I keep asking is, "How does someone get "cured" of a porn addiction?" I thought that was what masturbating was for.
By:|December 16, 2007
How To: Score at Your Christmas Party
1. Be Patient: Give them space. Nobody's going to do you in the first hour of the party, and if they do, burn your respective penis or vagina after because who the hell knows where that person has been. It's not how you start the game, it's how you finish. Let others tire themselves out early, then be the Jonathan Papelbon of your Christmas Party. 2. Follow the Booze: "Alcohol is your best friend," says veteran Christmas Party bartender Craig Wilkening. "Wait for the signs. They'll drink, then they'll start dancing, then right after they've started singing along loudly but before they're slumped in their chair passed out, that's your opportunity to strike," adds Wilkening. 3. Lower Your Standards: You're not looking for somebody to bring home to mom or dad, you're just looking for somebody who doesn't look like mom or dad. "The biggest mistake I see is guys wasting their time on the hottest chick there. She knows she can bang anybody she wants, and has usually made up her mind before the party," says Wilkening. 4. Respect the Awkward Factor: If you have to sit next to this person every day at work, that's not shitting where you eat, that's shitting on the food you eat. Make sure they're someone you don't have to face every day before you gently graze their boob in an attempt to gauge their reaction. If you end up sleeping with a close-by co-worker, attempt to get that person fired through chicanery.
By:|December 16, 2007
Cowboy Fans to Simpson: Stop Banging Romo
For those of you who don't know, yesterday Fox aired a four hour telecast of Jessica Simpson sitting in a press box, that was inter-cut every few minutes with scenes from the Cowboys-Eagles game. Jessica attended the game to watch her new boyfriend, Quarterback Tony Romo, have the worst game of his entire career, throwing 3 interceptions in the Cowboys 10-6 loss to the underdog Philadelphia Eagles. I watched this game. Tony Romo looked incredibly tired the whole game. And not, "I helped my buddy move yesterday" tired. More like "I had nasty ass sex in an equipment room behind the stands three minutes before I walked on to the field to play," tired. Look, I get it Tony. You used to be a back up and you had to work for hot chicks. Now you're the starter on one of the best teams in football and you can't walk ten feet without hearing "Is that Tony Romo? I want to bang him then feed him strips of bacon while one of my hot friends gives him a naked, full-body massage." But it's Jessica Simpson. She was married to Nick Lachey which means she's used to sleeping with guys that have no talent. On the flip side, Dallas Cowboy fans will castrate you if you don't play well because you got a tight asshole due to your girlfriend being in the stands. Leave her at home and plop her in front of a tivo-ed game where you threw for five touchdowns on Thanksgiving. She won't know the difference.
By:|December 16, 2007
Drink Some Vodka, See Some Cock
Most advertisements are created in a way that let's the dumbest kid in the class understand it, so it's a nice treat when you see one that actually makes you use your brain (I needed an abacus and my calculator watch to understand this one.) New Zealand's 42 Below Vodka uses clip art of a dude, a girl, some high heels, vodka and a rooster to enlighten you on the dangers of drinking too much. In case you haven't figured it out, this is titled "Transvestite."
By:|December 16, 2007
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