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25 Missed Opportunities in Thor 2

Thor 2 was a pretty fun movie, if somewhat devoid of a really gripping story. Dark Elves? Who the shit are these guys? And as King of everything, why is Odin such an obtuse twat? I dunno.

By:|November 11, 2013


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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: November 8th

All the good movie news this week was about movies that aren’t out yet, like Star Wars and whatnot. But on the upside, the new Thor is here, that oughtta make a buttload of money, right? Right!

By:|November 8, 2013


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Casting Star Wars VII

Everyone is pretty excited for the new Star Wars trilogy, just look in the mirror. Aren’t you excited? No need to answer, I already asserted that everyone was and that includes you. Until the movies actually get filmed, most of the excitement is now focused around casting. Initially people were pretty stoked to hear that some of the original cast was coming back, despite all being old and decrepit but, as JJ Abrams showed with Star Trek, he likes bringing back old, decrepit characters.

By:|November 7, 2013


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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s To Do List

Now that Rob Ford has opened up about smoking crack, which he did in a drunken stupor that was so epic he doesn’t even remember it, he has decided this does not impair his ability to run Canada’s largest city, North America’s 4th largest city and the world’s 51st largest city. He will continue on as mayor and seek re-election next October.

By:|November 6, 2013


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Bad Headlines with Worse Stories

Yesterday I read a headline that made me laugh and, without reading the story, I just made up what I assumed happened. I was way off, as it happens, but the real story was depressing and uninteresting.

By:|November 5, 2013


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25 Sex Toy Names We Really Need

Fleshlight is a finely named product, as are Rub My Duckies and Butt plugs, because they are plugs for your butt and that seems an accurate moniker. But if you have to name sex toys, you may as well have some fun with it.

By:|November 4, 2013


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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Nov 1st

In a short time the Christmas movie season will begin complete with family films and a handful of what those industry types like to call “blockbusters” to pad out the season.

By:|November 1, 2013


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What’s the Deal with the Addams Family?

The Addams Family have been a Halloween staple for years. The comic strip originally appeared in the New Yorker, which might explain why you don’t like it, and was meant to be a satirical take on the American family. See, cuz they’re weird and you’re not. Get it? No? Shut your mouth.

By:|October 31, 2013


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The Best Article on Holy Taco: Tribute

I had a full on article posted here last night and apparently the internet ate it. I can find no trace of what I wrote and, naturally, my computer blue screened me so I have no saved copy on my hard drive.

By:|October 30, 2013


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Chris Brown Explains Himself in GIF Form

So there are a lot of rumors going around about what happened this weekend. Let me set things straight once and for all. People got the wrong idea about me! I was a hero this weekend, straight up! Here's how it went down;

By:|October 29, 2013


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25 Signs Gypsies Stole Your Baby

Thieving gypsy baby thieves thieving babies have been in the news a lot lately, even when they didn’t really steal a baby. As a public service, we’ll provide these signs to let you know gypsies are stealing babies from you, in case you weren’t sure.

By:|October 28, 2013


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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: October 25th

Last week Carrie dropped a telekinetic turd on the movie going public and no one was amused, least of all me who hasn’t seen a movie in months. When will this dry spell end?!?

By:|October 25, 2013


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12 Vintage Costumes That Need to Make a Comeback

In 2013, every costume is of labia with some kind of vaguely identifiable theme. Nurse labia, bee labia, Spongebob labia. I don’t even know if they make men’s costumes anymore. But it doesn’t matter because 2013 is a wash.

By:|October 24, 2013


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8 Depressingly Lame Life Hacks

Life hack is one of the most egregiously offensive terms currently in our lexicon. It’s stupid. It’s so stupid it should wear a helmet. It doesn’t mean anything.

By:|October 23, 2013


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The Definitive List of Masturbation Euphemisms

They say 95% of people admit to masturbating and the other 5% are liars. Ha ha, burn! Wankers. And it’s true that every so often you smack the walrus the right way and it feels alright so you keep doing t. It’s human nature.

By:|October 22, 2013


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Bad Grandpa Red Band

It's the Bad Grandpa Red Band trailer!

By:|October 21, 2013


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25 Lines We Need to Hear in Army of Darkness 2

Word has it Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi are heading back to the woods with Army of Darkness II. You may recall in the previous Army of Darkness film, Bruce Campbell had a metal hand,a boomstick and was being worshipped by primitives in medieval times.

By:|October 21, 2013


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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: October 18th

Another fun filled week of movies is upon us, will it be as stellar as last week with whatever the hell came out? I haven’t seen a movie in a few weeks so I kind of forget what happened lately.

By:|October 18, 2013


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A Triple Six Turtle Christmas

Presented without commentary

By:|October 17, 2013


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How Aliens and Humans Deal with Less Advanced Beings

I'm not saying aliens don't exist, I'm just saying they'd be as blown away to discover us as we would be to discover them and we'd mutually agree to probe one anothers' asses.

By:|October 16, 2013