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Some Men Look Like Old Lesbians

  Sometimes things are pretty self-explanatory. Go to menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com to see more.

By:|December 9, 2007


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MILF Monday: Jennifer Walcott

Every Monday we start your week off with the Mother of All Features: MILF Monday. And since Jennifer has that certain "ILF" quality, it just made sense to make her this week's MILF Monday. Age: 30 Where you've seen her: She was Playboy's Playmate of the month in August of 2001. She was also appeared in American Pie Presents: Band Camp and she is the new Mickey's malt liquor girl. Tidbit trivia: She is married to Chicago Bears safety Adam Archuletta. Archuletta was benched this season for sucking really really bad. Is she really a MILF? Well, technically. She and her husband who forgot how to tackle are expecting their first baby in April of 2008. I don't see you complaining, though. Pointless quote: "I had to get naked to be in Playboy." Source: jenniferwalcott.com

By:|December 9, 2007


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Jessica Alba

By:|December 7, 2007


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Jessica Biel

By:|December 7, 2007


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Let’s See Paris Hilton Do That

Apparently the magenta thing that looks like Nicole Richie, swallowed the blue thing that looks like...well that one looks like Nicole Richie also. Then it died. I've seen this happen at the buffet in the Rio Hotel. They call this fish the Great Swallower. I'm not joking and I'm not even going to make a joke. If you'd like to submit your own, please do so in the comments section.

By:|December 7, 2007


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Santa’s Christmas List: BJ From a Dude

From networkworld.com "An artificial-intelligence Santa bot operated by Microsoft to talk to children wavered off topic saying: 'It's fun to talk about oral sex, but I want to chat about something else..." Why is that wrong? It IS fun to talk about oral sex, but Santa's right, there's only so long you can talk about blow jobs before it just gets repetitive. "Some users got Santa to Comment on his sexual orientation. One person said "...come on you like big hairy men -- don't hide it!" To which Santa responded, "I know, I know. I just hope you won't get mad at me." Wow, that didn't take much prodding. Remind me not to tell robot Santa anything important, geez. I guess he was just ready to stop living a lie. All that self-hatred I'm sure contributed to his morbid obesity.

By:|December 6, 2007


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I Can Hardly Contain My Excitement!

There's a shocker on The Hills season finale, people! People.com reports "She's not revealing many details, but Lauren Conrad says she makes a "life-changing" decision in the season-three finale of MTV's The Hills, which airs Monday - and she's happy with the choice she made." The term life-changing is pretty subjective. For instance, Anne Frank made a life-changing move when she decided to hide from Nazis in an attic during World War II. LC's life consists of going to Pinkberry and talking about going to Pinkberry. But, I've never read the Diary of Anne Frank, and I own the first two seasons of The Hills on DVD, so what the hell do I know. So what could the secret life-changing event be, Lauren? "I gotta be honest, I haven't seen the final episode yet. I know that something happens in our lives, but I don't know what they're showing." Um, I'm not sure if she knows this but, um, THE SHOW IS A DOCUMENTATION OF HER LIFE. If it's "life changing," then it's probably going to be on a show about her life. Wow, this is a new level of stupid we're experiencing here. I feel privileged to witness it.

By:|December 6, 2007


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Just Because It’s Friday

By:|December 6, 2007


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Tell The World About Your Virginity

If your dog keeps getting his ass jousted by other dogs in the neighborhood, then maybe it's time to get Fido his own suit of armor. I don't know if this is for hardcore LARPers or dudes who are trying to compensate for tiny dicks or baldness. Either way, for a mere $500 you can turn your boring old regular dog into a damsel-saving Knight who will defend the Kingdom from those who wage war against honor. Or maybe you'll just make it harder for him to lick his balls. Go get it at pitbullarmory.com.

By:|December 6, 2007


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Lock of the Weekend

"Why God, why am I on the Lions?" Okay, let me first address my loss last week in which New Orleans failed to cover 3 points against a headless bucs team. F YOU REGGIE BUSH! There's 3 minutes left and you fumble with a three point lead?! The only thing you have to do is hold on to the ball! Is one thing too much to remember?! Do you go into the bathroom and look around, thinking to yourself "what was I in here for?" then shit your pants? Now, because of you, I'll be unable to attend therapy this week due to lack of funds, so I expect your ass to give me a call and be prepared to discuss my father's inability to show me love which led to my gambling problem. Now on to this weekends lock. COWBOYS (+7) over Lions Jon Kitna loves Jesus. But Tony Romo went from being a back up quarterback I used to call "The Romosexual" to a guy with a 40 million dollar contract who bangs Jessica Simpson and is now referred to as "Romocop." So something tells me Jesus loves Tony Romo more. The Lions can't run the football, Roy williams is out, and Minnesota put up 42 points on their defense last week with Tavaris Jackson at quarterback, who throws a football like he's tossing a Halibut at the Seattle Fish Market. I know last week I promised to rip the mole off Drew Brees' face if they didn't cover. I'm working on it. Things take time. This week, if the Cowboys can't cover a one touchdown spread against the excrement that is the Lions, I'm going to go to Tony Romo's house and poke a hole in all of his condoms. For the season RECORD: 0-1 MONEY WON/LOST (-100)

By:|December 6, 2007


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You’ve Out-douchebagged Yourself This Time

From ananova.com "A figure skater has designd a new way to commute - a 12 mph electric tricycle." How many things can you find wrong with that sentence? "Stephan Soder came up with the idea as a way to pull himself along while wearing rollerblades. He built the first one in his garage with a small petrol motor." So let me get this straight. He's a male figure skater. He rollerblades. His name is Stephan. Now he's going to ride around on this motorized tricycle. How do people like this make it out of seventh grade? I was 5'1", 74 pounds, and wore sweat pants to school and I was nearly stoned to death with Hot Pockets on a daily basis. If I did any one of the above things I would have been drowned in a mop sink full of bully urine.

By:|December 6, 2007


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Blender Magazine Wants Britney Spears Dead

According to Defamer.com, they received an anonymous tip that the following casting notice has been sent out to all the fit little females in Hollywood. So here is a little casting that my agency has posted! Proof that nothing is as it seems in Hollywood: Photo double / Female / Caucasian / 18 - 25 / We are casting for a Britney Spears body double for her Blender Magazine photoshoot. You must have shoulder to medium length blonde hair. This person must also be in shape! 5'2" to 5'5". This will be a take off of a Bert Stern photograph of Marilyn Monroe in bed, from the last shoot before her death. Your face will not be shown in the final photograph/cover. You will just be her toned-fit body" If this unsubstantiated casting is real, we shouldn't just let self-destructing Spears have all the fun. Hey Blender, if you need any help photoshopping Owen Wilson's head onto Kurt Cobain's body, just let me know.

By:|December 6, 2007


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I’m a Simple Woman Who Wants Her Salad Tossed

Most ecards you get are from your mom and they consist of cartoon puppy dancing around a birthday cake and singing "Happy Barkday". Someecards.com saw that there weren't electronic greetings that spoke to the common man. So they did something about it. Instead of the schmaltzy pap you get from elderly family members and friends you don't like, they realized that sometimes you want to tell a pal that you'd like to get "pants shitting drunk tonight." Other times you'd like to apologize for "Either Giving or Getting Genital Warts" from a female visitor.

By:|December 6, 2007


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Lisa Bonet is Sexier than Jessica Alba

I didn't say that, AOL did in their "50 Sexiest Women of TV" list. I have seen a lot of lists in my day, but this has to be by far the worst. (My "The STDs I Have" list is still my favorite.) If you were to sit around and think up some of the sexiest women you've ever seen on TV, would Lucy Lawless ever come to mind? Kate Jackson? And how many people have taken the skin canoe to fistville while watching the Beverly Hillbillies? I'm not sure which 50-year-old transgendered fossil was responsible for this list, but next time he should let someone who actually likes vaginas take the editorial reigns. 50. Sarah Michelle Gellar 49. Teri Hatcher 48. Loni Anderson (WKRP in Cincinnati) 47. Sophia Bush (One Tree Hill) 46. Grace Park (Battlestar Galactica) 45. Carmen Electra (Baywatch) 44. Kate Jackson (Charlie's Angels) 43. Pat Priest (The Munsters) 42. Ali Larter (Heroes) 41. Jennifer Garner 40. Katie Holmes 39. Kim Cattrall 38. Elizabeth Montgomery (Bewitched) 37. Lucy Lawess (Xena: Warrior Princess) 36. Robin Givens (Head of the Class) 35. Nikki Cox (Las Vegas)

By:|December 6, 2007


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Lisa Bonet is Sexier than Jessica Alba

  I didn't say that, AOL did in their "50 Sexiest Women of TV" list. I have seen a lot of lists in my day, but this has to be by far the worst. (My "The STDs I Have" list is still my favorite.) If you were to sit around and think up some of the sexiest women you've ever seen on TV, would Lucy Lawless ever come to mind? Kate Jackson? And how many people have taken the skin canoe to fistville while watching the Beverly Hillbillies? I'm not sure which 50-year-old transgendered fossil was responsible for this list, but next time he should let someone who actually likes vaginas take the editorial reigns. 50. Sarah Michelle Gellar 49. Teri Hatcher 48. Loni Anderson (WKRP in Cincinnati) 47. Sophia Bush (One Tree Hill) 46. Grace Park (Battlestar Galactica) 45. Carmen Electra (Baywatch) 44. Kate Jackson (Charlie's Angels) 43. Pat Priest (The Munsters) 42. Ali Larter (Heroes) 41. Jennifer Garner 40. Katie Holmes 39. Kim Cattrall 38. Elizabeth Montgomery (Bewitched) 37. Lucy Lawess (Xena: Warrior Princess)

By:|December 6, 2007


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Katherine McPhee Takes Pretty Pictures

She came in second to Taylor Hicks, but when was the last time you saw Taylor draped over a blood-red satin curtain while wearing an outfit that my gay neighbor would call "fabulous"? (Don't answer that, it was a rehtorical question.) My point is, Taylor sucks and Katherine McPhee is hot.                    

By:|December 6, 2007


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Lesson 1: If You Drink and Drive, Get Pregnant After

Nicole Richie, pictured here right after she ate Hansel and Gretel, has been granted a leave of absence from her court appointed driving school. Richie was ordered to take the course after her recent DUI arrest. eonline.com reports: "The eight-months-preggers socialite has been granted a leave of absence from her intensive, court-mandated alcohol-education course due to concerns for her safety in the wake of her ever-burgeoning "medical condition." It's not so much that I have a problem with her getting out of her DUI classes. I think that's reasonable. My problem is that pregnant women get away with anything just because they're "carrying a life inside them." I'm currently carrying MILLIONS of lives inside of me and I couldn't argue my way out of a parking ticket I got because my bumper was in the red.

By:|December 6, 2007


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But Can it Make Me a Sandwich?

According to cnn.com, engineers at Toyota Motor Corp. (clearly not busy with making reliable cars) have created a robot that can play the violin. "The 5-foot-tall, all-white robot used its mechanical fingers to press the strings correctly and bowed with its other arm, coordinating the movements well." No one needs a robot that plays the violin! In fact, we could use less humans playing it. Just ask anyone who's accidentally listened to the Dave Matthews Band. I've had it with stories like this! Scientists, listen to me, here is a list of things we need robots to do: Clean and sanitize your house or workplace. Perform menial tasks such as shopping for groceries or going to the post office. Watch the door to see if your roommate comes home when you're masturbating, then alert you with a repeating alarm of: "Cease masturbation, cease masturbation." Take care of the sick or elderly.

By:|December 5, 2007


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Now That’s How Meat Should Be Served!

Apparently this is how they serve something called "Aussie Beef" in Tokyo, Japan.  I know personally, when I eat my beef, I like to pretend that I've found the cow, alive, lying down in the grass staring at me.  Then I walk up to him and grab at his flesh, tearing away meaty pieces, all the while him staring at me.

By:|December 5, 2007


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Thank God Camryn Manheim Likes Wearing Fur

From fabsugar.com Eva Mendes naked body was unveiled today in the newest PETA ad campaign entitled "Fur? I'd rather go naked." "More than 1,000 posters of the ad, shot by photographer Don Flood, are to be plastered around NYC starting next week." This just reinforces my belief that PETA is not really an animal protection agency but a group of thirteen-year-old boys who won the New York State Lottery and started making a list of who they wanted to see naked.

By:|December 5, 2007


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