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Thirsty Thursday: Jose Cuervo Platino Tequila

Platino is the newest tequila from Jose Cuervo's ultra premium Reserva De La Familia line. This limited edition silver tequila, which means it's only been aged 60 days, was once reserved as the Cuervo family's private stash. But now you can have your own bottle for $59.99. 80 proof. Say this to sound smart: The Platino is handcrafted, using a proprietary method known as "Escencia de Agave, which brings out the fresh, crisp agave flavors. Say this to sound stupid: I just shit your pants. Hangover rating: If you drink better booze, you'll feel better tomorrow. So don't have more than 10 Platinos if you have an early meeting. You can probably have 12 if you're meeting isn't until noon. Impress Your Girlfriend/Warden/Mortician with this Recipe: Jose Cuervo Platino Dirty Martini 1oz Jose Cuervo Platino 1.4oz Vermouth 1tsp. Olive Juice Mix ingredients in cocktail shaker with ice. Serve in a chilled martini glass straight up. Garnish with olives.

By:|December 5, 2007


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I’m Guessing They Were Parking Tickets

From Reuters: "Palermo - A top Mafia boss swallowed secret notes with names and telephone numbers just before he was shot dead by police this week, officials said on Wednesday." Why would you eat the notes, when you could just burn them?  If I was there, the following conversation would have taken place. Don Emanuello: I'ma gonna eat-a these notes so's-a no one can-a ever see them! Me: But Don Emanuello, why can't we just burn them.  I have a lighter right here.  That's just silly to eat them. (Awkward silence, no one making eye contact with me) Me: Ha, you know what?  I don't even know what I'm saying.  I was talking about some other stuff...that wasn't...yeah......  Hey pass me some of those delicious notes so I can put them in my sausage calzone!

By:|December 5, 2007


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Roger Staubach Enjoys Hitting the Tight End

It's finally time to put all those "Roger Staubach Hates Sex" rumors to bed. And then have sex with them. The man himself has made it loud and clear that he loves doing the mommy and daddy dance. Enjoy.

By:|December 5, 2007


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I Would Watch a Victoria’s Secret Model Take a Crap

Luckily she just gets half naked and walks around.

By:|December 5, 2007


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This is the ONE Time I’m Glad I’m Not Brad Pitt

According to Star Magazine, "Angelina Jolie went postal after learning that Brad Pitt's mom, Jane, had invited Jennifer Aniston (they're still close friends) to join them for the holiday - and Brad found himself caught in the middle of a nasty showdown. "It's an awkward situation," a source tells Star. No, an awkward situation is calling something retarded and finding out the person you're talking to has a retarded child.  This situation is the kind of shit that ends with  a dog barking non-stop, a gun pulled out, and someone yelling "WHOA!  Everybody be cool!  Everybody be f*&#ing cool!" "Jane is still very close to and friendly with Jen," the source tells Star.   "And that's causing big trouble for Brad." Here's the problem with parents trying to pick who you date;  Parents aren't having sex with that person.  Jennifer Aniston, while very attractive and seemingly pretty cool, looks like the type that puts a red dot on a calendar to mark the days in which you and her will be having sex.  Angelina Jolie, as we already know, will bang you in the back of a cab on the way to an awards show.  Brad Pitt goes to lots of award shows.  It's a simple equation.

By:|December 5, 2007


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Alicia Keys’ Camel Toe: One Hump or Two?

I'm a little torn on the subject of camel toes. As hard as I try, I just can't find them sexual in any way. I mean, I like what they represent, but when I look at them I just see a fistful of ground beef crammed into a hot pocket. Am I in the minority here? If you have strong feelings for or against camel toes, feel free to leave an enlightening comment.     

By:|December 5, 2007


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Might as Well Draw a Dick On My Face Now

That's right!  Absinthe is now legal in the states!  For those of you who've been to Europe, you probably remember Absinthe as the liquor you drank right before you swore you witnessed an Amsterdam hooker fly out of her window and throw a lightning bolt at your penis.  According to an article in sfgate.com, the liqour, which reportedly causes hallucinations, is now becoming legal in the United States. "Earlier this year, a lone Washington, D.C., lawyer took on the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau in an attempt to lift the ban.  After some legal wrangling, the agency agreed." Wow.  See, one man can make a difference.  I refuse to listen to any more complaints from potheads.  Dust the Funyuns off and make a difference. So is Absinthe really that dangerous? "Look, Absinthe is bad the way Jack Daniels is bad, the way Skyy vodka is bad.  The worst component is the alcohol.  If you drink too much, something bad will happen.," says Robert Lehrman, the aforementioned freedom fighter. Maybe.  But I've never drank Jack Daniels then angrily challenged a floating panda in a race to circumnavigate the globe.

By:|December 4, 2007


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The 10 Greatest Fast Food Sides

Because three pounds of processed meat won't tide you over until dinner. 10. Cheesy Tots , Burger King If there's one thing cheese and potatoes need, it's a thick coating of deep-fried batter. The starving African girl I sponsor for a cup of coffee a day isn't capable of comprehending these. Calories/12pc: 430 Total Fat (grams): 24 9.  Chicken Rings , White Castle A little known fact: The ring is the most succulent part of the chicken. White Castle knows this. White Castle knows all. (It should be noted that the Castle also offers you the option of a Chicken Ring Sandwich. With or without cheese. God bless you White Castle.) Calories: 320 Total Fat (grams): 23 8. Poutine , Harvey's (Canada Only) For those of you who haven't ventured north of the border, Poutine is the reason we have not invaded Canada. Consisting of French fries, cheese curds and gravy, this little heart attack in a bowl will leave you waving off the defibrillator. It's an honorable way to meet your maker. Calories: 630 Total Fat (grams): 37

By:|December 4, 2007


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How To: Deal With Going Bald

Your hair is falling out. It sucks but it's not the end of the world, it's just really really close to the end of the world. Here's some tips on how to deal: 1. Don't fight, accept. Your hair, much like Arrested Development, is not coming back no matter how great it was. 2. Look for inspiring bald guys. There's lots of bald guys that women find attractive. Lots! There's that one guy... on that one show... I think. Whatever, the point is there are some. Find one that inspires you! 3. Look at the positives. When you had hair, everyone knew you were a pussy because you already looked like one. If you're bald and you shave your head, you'll look tough and people will have to confront you to find out you're a pussy, which happens way less. 4. Embrace your new team. You're now part of a select group of men. Just like how the Kansas City Royals are part of a select group of Major League Baseball players. Help out your fellow bald men and together, there's nothing you can't accomplish! 5. Don't make fun of yourself. Does a waiter tell you the food you ordered tastes like shit right before he serves you? Maybe only at Red Lobster. Otherwise no way! So don't you go putting yourself down either! Confidence is key. Believe you're a stud and women will either believe you, or think you must have a really big penis since there's no way you could be confident being so bald. Either way, you win!

By:|December 4, 2007


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GiveaWednesday: Write a Caption, Win StrangleHold

Write a caption for this photo of a jump-roper gone awry and win a copy of Midway's "John Woo Presents Stranglehold" for the PS3. Leave your captions in the comments section. Winners will be notified by HolyTaco via email. If that's not enough to make you enter, gaze upon this action-packed cover. I said gaze on it! If you aren't so good with the words, skip the contest and buy it here.

By:|December 4, 2007


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Hillary loses the Canadian vote

ABC News reports that Hillary Clinton has decided to cease the use of Celine Dion's "You and I" as the campaign's theme song, which plays at the end of every event. "For months, the soprano headlined Clinton's D-NY., campaign appearances as Dion's "You and I" served as the former first lady's campaign theme song." I just imagine a group of her staff members getting together and being like "Listen, someone has to tell her we can't take this shit anymore."  Then everyone turns in unison, looks to Bill, who's sitting quietly in a corner eating a bucket of fries and playing boggle with a hot intern.  After a few moments of silence, he sighs and then goes "Fine.  I'll just tell her this is the song I used to play when Monica blew me or something.  Don't say I never did anything for you guys." So what's her new song? "Instead on the trail these days, Big Head Todd and the Monsters are in and their 'Blue Sky' is seemingly the campaign's favorite as the New York Senator enters and exits the stage. BHTM!  I have ALWAYS said pussy rock will someday be involved in electing the first female president.

By:|December 4, 2007


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Kate Hudson Trades Baby to Homeless Man for Coat

What in the hell has happened to Black Crowes' front man Chris Robinson? I get that he's a rock star, and they're supposed to look edgy and cool, but looking like Jesus if he was addicted to heroin and shopped at Urban Outfitters is not cool. You have a kid now, this is not okay. When I see you, I shouldn't have the urge to buy you a hot meal, or proposition you to kill my neighbor's dog. And YOU Kate Hudson, shame on you as well. You walk around town sporting all your expensive new coats as you watch your ex-husband wearing one that looks like he found it outside an Arby's, soaked in urine.

By:|December 4, 2007


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Some Craigslist Posts Speak for Themselves

In case you're having trouble reading the text, here it is: 59 yo retired male looking for a discreet bud to meet regularly for JO only. straight guys only no gay stuff. hairy a plus on stomach and chest but clean shaven down there. The twist is that I want a bud who can come live with me during storm season so we can go outside and JO during a tornado. My ultimate fantasy is to have us tied with leather belts to pipes like Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton at the end of the movie Twister and have our feet being sucked up into the vortex and while we are doing that we can JO (poss. handjob exchange) to climax into the vortex. Obviously this is impossible and dangerous to attempt so I would be OK with just JO looking at a tornado. Lets meet up and find out if you are the regular JO bud I need for the job.   For all you n00bs out there, JO = Jerk Off.

By:|December 4, 2007


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Amy Winehouse is a Diet Guru

  Source: ns4w.org Does your body look like the photo on the right? Is there skin over almost all of your bones? Would Schindler kick you off his list for looking "alive"? If you answered "yes" to any of those questions then you need to pick up a copy of Amy Winehouse's "Snorting To The Oldies" and you can also look like...this! These before and after photos show just what a little will power, determination and a dealer with primo shit can do for you!

By:|December 4, 2007


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You Kids and Your Games of Video

Video games are too graphic for children according to the National Institute on Media and the Family, a watchdog group full of incredibly annoying parents. According to an article in CNN.com "The institute showed a scene from Manhunt 2 in which a jailer taunts his prisoner by urinating into the man's cell." What about preparing your children for reality? When my son goes to jail, I don't want him to be surprised when the prison guard showers him with urine. I want him to be prepared, and curl into a ball while shielding himself with his food tray to divert the piss stream. Everybody knows the kid who stinks like pee is always the first to get raped. The article goes on to say: "The group's list of 10 games to avoid are in the video game report card on its website." It's always important when picking video games your child will enjoy, to ask conservative watchdog groups.  Actually, that list is incredibly helpful.  Now, if you're not sure which games don't suck, just check out that list.  I can only hope they'll put out a list of "10 strippers to avoid."

By:|December 4, 2007


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Judge says “let’s tape Lindsay in court!”

According to the LA Times, Judge Michael Stern rejected a motion filed by Lindsay Lohan's lawyer, attempting to prohibit the videotaping of her deposition. "A leak of that videotape could hurt my client's career much more than the 200,000 in damages that [the plaintiff] is seeking." I think her lawyer filed the same motion when they released the DVD of "I Know Who Killed Me."

By:|December 3, 2007


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Fat Tuesday: Black Angus Super Burger

  The culinary geniuses at Eat n' Park have concocted a burger I would like to park myself down in front of and eat (I won't tell you what I'll do 2-3 hours later). This 800-calorie bohemoth consists of two 6oz Black Angus patties, two slices of cheese, pickles, lettuce and some sort of divine condiment called Supreme Sauce. As you'll notice by the enormous photo, this burger also comes with a stylish pickle hat, which I assume is also edible. We suggest leaving the "g" out of "Angus" when ordering it, just to see what happens.  Source: junkfoodblog.com

By:|December 3, 2007


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Carson Daly back on the air! Thank God!

Last night Carson Daly aired the first non-rerun episode of a late night talk show since his writers began striking a month ago. According to eonline.com "I said, let's turn the lights on, I'm gonna come back.  It's that simple." You mean I get to watch the Carson Daly show sans anyone with any kind of writing ability whatsoever?!  That's like the Olive Garden issuing a statement saying "We've decided to stop using tomatoes in our pasta sauce and will instead be using a mixture of tennis shoes and donkey shit."

By:|December 3, 2007


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Top 10 Gold Diggers

10. Hugh Hefner's 3 Girlfriends This is not a bad gig. They only have to bang him 1/3 of the time that a normal gold digging person would. Of course he's 3 times as hideous naked, so it kind of evens out. 9. Reichen Lehmkul Here's a good rule of thumb; if you're famous and someone has sex with you, then says "I'm going to write a book about me banging you," your relationship may end up being problematic. 8. Howard K. Stern Yes, one fortune spawned two people on this list. This dude is using a baby as leverage to get money. That secures his place on another list; Top 10 people Satan will anally rape when they get to hell.

By:|December 3, 2007


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One Step Forward, Two Feet Back

If I had been born with some sort of physical abnormality (aside from a bad case of micropenis and something the nurses called "shitty face") I would take everything that life would give me. Well, Wang Fang (yes, that's her real name) of some city in China is clearly not me. She was born with her feet facing backwards and instead of sitting on her ass watching Beijing's version of Judge Judy all day and collecting disability checks, she decided to get a job as a frickin' waitress and fight the disabled classification the Chinese government wanted to give her. I'm all for a feel good story, but maybe Wang should've spent a little more time in her high school counselor's office. I hate being on my frontwards-facing feet for more than 10 minutes, yet Wang chose a  profession that has her moonwalking all over a restaurant for hours at a time. C'mon Wang, the Chinese government isn't known for it's human rights, but if they're willing to give you a leg up, you should take it.  Source: DailMail.co.uk

By:|December 3, 2007


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