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Tara Reid is Possibly Attractive. Possibly Dead.

      Photo credit: egotastic.com and pacificcoastnews.com On the left you have an attractive girl. On the right you have sun-dried zombie corpse in pink. Which one is the real Tara Reid? Here's the information we have so far: we know that she's skinny. We know that Dr. Freddy Krueger did her boob job. And now we know that from far away she looks like a girl you would buy a drink, but up close she looks like a girl you would buy a casket. See if you can figure out which one's which from the pics below.                              

By:|December 3, 2007


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My Soft Spot for Stacy Keibler is Getting Harder

Photo credit: HollywoodTuna.com  As the batshit crazy celebrities seem to get bat-shittier by the second, it's rare to see someone who doesn't make you ashamed to be alive. Enter Stacy Keibler. I'm not sure what I like the most about her. Is it that she got her big break in the wrestling world? Is it that her smile seems so innocent and sweet? Or is it just because I have a fetish for insane legs and perfect bodies? (It's second only to my "vagina fetish").                    

By:|December 3, 2007


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Elizabeth Berkley dances! With her clothes on.

Star Magazine reports Elizabeth Berkley, who played Jesse Spano on the critically acclaimed crime-drama Saved By the Bell, and the lead in Showgirls, (the Citizen Kane of movies you hid underneath your mattress) will be hosting Bravo's new series Step it Up and Dance!" Let's hear the damage. "The reality competition will feature contestants attempting to master a range of dance styles - from ballroom to Broadway." By green-lighting this show, Bravo is basically saying "If you have a penis, please stay away from our channel." Bravo has really upped the anti-male programming. The only way the Oxygen Network can out-do this is to scrap their current lineup and broadcast 24 hours of Bea Arthur defecating. But, I must say, if there's anyone qualified to host a talent competition, it's a woman capable of this:

By:|December 3, 2007


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Shia LaBeouf is a Total LaDouche

Most of the time "no" means "no." But sometimes it means "I'm a shitty actor who keeps getting work because I have a silly name." Enjoy this edited down clip of Shia answering the question: "Will you have a career in three years?"

By:|December 2, 2007


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How To: Tell Your Neighbor to Stop Having Loud Sex

You don't want to be a buzz kill, but it's 4 in the morning and it sounds like you're inside Jenna Jameson's vagina.  You and the neighbor need to chat.  Here's some tips on how to let them know: 1.Give a Compliment: He or she may be more inclined to respect your request if you give a compliment along with it.  "I really like that new car you just bought.  Can you stop having loud sex in the middle of the night?" 2.Write a Note: You may find that you fear confronting your neighbor.  Scientists classify persons with such a fear as "gigantic pussies."  A hand written note can make it much less awkward.  Simply slide under their door and run away as silently as possible. 3.Bang on the Wall: Knocking on the wall during your neighbor's intercourse says "I am so bothered by your loud coitus that I cease to care that future interactions with you will be awkward. 4.Taste of Their Own Medicine:  You've tried everything else but he/she won't stop.  Do a little research and exact revenge.  Maybe they're a student and have a big test the next morning or a surgeon who has to administer a heart transplant.  Wait till the wee hour, hire a local prostitute and a drifter, put a tarp down on your bed, and let the fireworks begin!  We'll see how easy that open heart surgery is tomorrow!

By:|December 2, 2007


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Amy Winehouse is Not Just Another Pretty Face

 Photo credit: Hollywood Rag.com The embarrassment of morning face can be, well, embarrassing. After waking up to a "disturbance outside her house, the Daily Mail is reporting that Bobblehead Winehouse got up, decided to not put on a shirt, shoes or a feminine face and came strolling outside to see what was going on. According to her spokesperson: "Amy was investigating a noise outside - which is why she wasn't wearing any shoes, and was just in a bra and jeans with no make-up. Amy hadn't been partying - she'd have been wearing make-up if she had been. If I looked like that everytime I wasn't partying, I would strap a kegerator to my face 25 hours a day.

By:|December 2, 2007


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You Go To Hell And Die, Tom Brady

As you sit down tonight to watch the Patriots consume, then crap out the Ravens, there's something you need to think about: Why it's not okay to root for Tom Brady. The Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl this year. Fine. Good for them. But not good for you Tom Brady, because I hate you. The point of being a super star athlete is that women who normally would never sleep with you, do. Tom Brady could get laid if he was a creepy janitor at an elementary school. That's how good looking and charismatic he is. Women would just be like "No, I have no problem drinking tap water from your mop sink due to the fact that you live in the supply closet. Now let's have another round of no-strings-attached sex on top of that pile of lost and found sweaters." It's not FAIR. And if you're a normal guy who's not able to throw laser-guided out patterns to a double covered Wes Welker, in turn making women's genitals moist nation-wide, how can you root for Tom Brady? What if you were in Vegas and you walked past Bill Gates on a slot machine, right as he won the Mega Jackpot? As he cheered and celebrated, do you think you'd be like "Hey, good for you Bill Gates. That's awesome that you won millions of dollars even though you are the world's richest man and don't f*&king need it." Or, do you think you'd have to fight the urge to take down your pants and piss on his face? Rational human beings would opt for the face pissing. Therefore, I say we band together to only root for athletes that look like the little Asian kid from "Heroes," and tell Tom Brady to go to hell and die.

By:|December 2, 2007


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You Are Dumberer Than A Monkey

It's nice to know that for all of humankind's progress (nuclear bombs, breast implants) we are still no smarter than our primate cousins. Japanese researchers gave some college students and some chimpanzees a memory test and well, I can't remember exactly how it came out, so I'll just copy and paste the important part of the article: "One memory test included three 5-year-old chimps who'd been taught the order of Arabic numerals 1 through 9, and a dozen human volunteers. Five numbers flashed on the screen only briefly before they were replaced by white squares. The challenge, again, was to touch these squares in the proper sequence. When the numbers were displayed for about seven-tenths of a second, Ayumu (the chimp) and the college students were both able to do this correctly about 80 percent of the time. But when the numbers were displayed for just four-tenths or two-tenths of a second, the chimp was the champ. The briefer of those times is too short to allow a look around the screen, and in those tests Ayumu still scored about 80 percent, while humans plunged to 40 percent. That indicates Ayumu was better at taking in the whole pattern of numbers at a glance, the researchers wrote. There you have it, you are a dumbass and the animal that hucks its shit at stuff is a genius. Maybe it's time to turn off the TV and renew that library card.

By:|December 2, 2007


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By:|December 2, 2007


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MILF Monday: Isabeli Fontana

Every Monday we start your week off with the Mother of All Features: MILF Monday. Isabeli has a son and she has that certain "ILF" quality about her. So it just made sense to make her this week's MILF Monday. Age: 24 Where You've Seen Her: This Brazilian model has appeared in Victoria's Secret, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Marie Claire, Vogue and now HolyTaco.com. Is She Really A MILF? Twice over. She has two sons, Zion (born in 2003) and Lucas (born in 2006). She also gave birth to our morning wood (today). Pointless Quote: "I don't think of myself as pretty. I am what I am."               

By:|December 2, 2007


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Those lips….

People.com reports Jessica Simpson has denied rumors that she's gotten lip injections. "Jessica did not get lip injections.  She spent Thanksgiving weekend with Tony Romo," said her publicist. Okay, let's say she's telling the truth.  What do we know from this article? Fact: She did NOT get lip injections. Fact: She spent the weekend with Tony Romo Fact: After the weekend, her lips were incredibly swollen. Fact: Tony Romo threw four touchdown passes last night and commentator Bryant Gumbel described his play as "loose" and "like he's floating." Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.  I'm not a detective but...

By:|November 30, 2007


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Lock of the Weekend!

NEW ORLEANS (-3) Over Tampa Bay See, look at that Tampa Bay guy on the ground. He knows they suck. The buccaneers have said they'll either start Bruce Gradkowski or Luke McCown at Quarterback. I'm sure that will be an exciting coaches meeting to decide that. It's like one of those questions you pose to a co-worker on a slow day; "Hey Bob, if you had to, who would you rather do; Rosie O'Donnell or Mrs. Garrett from the The Facts of Life?" Then everyone makes stinky faces and laughs, knowing they'll never be forced with such a heinous decision. Welcome to Jon Gruden's hell. New Orleans gave up 43 yards rushing last week to Carolina, and with a guy named either Bruce, or Luke throwing the ball for the Bucs, this has the potential to be a "commentators begin telling inspiring anecdotes about Hurricane Katrina mid-way through the third quarter" type blow-out. If New Orleans can't cover three points, I'll personally go down on to the field and rip that mole of Drew Brees' face. I know the make a wish people, this can happen.

By:|November 29, 2007


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R.I.P. Evel Knievel

 "There are a lot of myths about my injuries. They say I have broken every bone in my body. Not true. But I have broken 35 bones. I had surgery 14 times to pin and plate. I shattered my pelvis. I forget all of the things that have broke." --Evel Knievel, Hero, 1938-2007 American hero Evel Knievel lived his life much the same way he died: in a hospital bed. The man who taught every kid that the minor pain of a compound fracture is worth the glory, adulation and smokin' hot chicks the world gives those who wear capes while risking their lives died today of ailments you're too much of a pussy to even read about. He was a one-man X-games before Tony Hawk had the training wheels off his skateboard. We love you, Evel. If there is a God, we're pretty sure you're launching a motorcycle over his house right now.

By:|November 29, 2007


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Hogan to Wife: Pay For Your Own Shit

According to usmagazine.com Hulk Hogan, pictured here with the Ultimate Warrior, has contested his wife's alimony claims. "Linda is capable of supporting both herself and our son, Nick, who turns 18 in July," says Hogan I don't like it when the Hulkster makes subdued statements like that. The Hulk Hogan I know would have grabbed a microphone that had somehow descended from above, and say something like, "You know what Linda? You been doin' a lotta talkin 'bout this alimony! A lotttaaaa talkin'! But watcha gonna do when the Hulkster takes his $7.953 million dollars in properties and liquid assets and shoves them up your asssetttesssss!" (Loud, Raucous cheers)

By:|November 29, 2007


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Hey Everyone! Let’s All Measure our Penises!

If you're one of those people who has a penis (we're talking to you, Whoopi) then you may have wondered exactly how big it is. Well, wonder no more. Now you can know the true shame of three inches with the Size of a Man penis measurer. Just pop your Johnny into the big tube and see where you stand in relation to your friends, neighbors and relatives ("C'mon Grandpa, get it in there!) This patented technology--OK, it's a clear tube with inches measured on the side--guarantees it will tell you the "actual size of your penis. Well thank God. Because hearing "I can't feel it, and "Is it even in? from my girlfriend wasn't humiliating enough.

By:|November 29, 2007


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Favre Injures Perfect Elbow, Handsome Shoulder

The collective shart you heard last night came from the tiny, football-loving town of Green Bay. After smashing his elbow on Nate Jones' helmet, football's Captain America suffered nerve damage in his throwing arm and dislocated his non-throwing shoulder all in one cheesemind-blowing play. The nerve damage caused him to lose feeling in his hand (you masturbatory aficionados will know this as the "Western Stranger") and sidelined him for the rest of the game. Will this end his streak of 249 straight starts? Only waiting 10 days and watching 400 ESPN montages of Brett "playing like a kid/gunslinger/while shitting golden unicorns" will tell. 

By:|November 29, 2007


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We Got a Bleeder!

 Photo courtesy of CelebNewsire.com You know, celebrities like Lindsay Lohan are just like us. They put their pants on one leg at a time, they brush their teeth in the morning and, sometimes, an egg travels down their fallopian tubes and causes their uterus to shed its lining in a glorious rustic river of blood and mucus. Sometimes there's even cramping. Isn't it reassuring to know that, at the end of the day, we're all the same?

By:|November 29, 2007


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Posh Spice Bans Beckham From Show

Victoria Beckham has told her husband, fashion model David Beckham, that he's not allowed to attend the first Spice Girls show. Yes, I'm sure he's crushed. It's great when your girlfriend tells you you're not allowed to go to something really shitty. But you still play it up by saying stuff like, "You know, I understand, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I feel a little left out. But I'll make the sacrifice. Now have fun at your sister's pregnancy slide-show while I sulk in front of this meaningless Patriots-Colts AFC Championship game."

By:|November 29, 2007


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By:|November 29, 2007


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Pam Anderson To Retire…In Five Years

Pam Anderson announces in five years, she's going to retire. Hmmm. File this under, "For the love of God someone please pay attention to me." It makes me sad to see Pam Anderson get old. It's like watching one of the old monkeys at the zoo who can't fling his poo anymore because of arthritis. But Pam's not washed up. "I get offers to do movies and TV all the time. I say no to everything. It drives my agent crazy." What movies? Specify these so-called offers! You took a job working weekends at the Hard Rock as a magicians assistant. I think they also offered that gig to the valet attendant at the Palms but he declined, saying, "Eh, I got a good thing going with the car parking."

By:|November 28, 2007


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