I'm not saying aliens don't exist, I'm just saying they'd be as blown away to discover us as we would be to discover them and we'd mutually agree to probe one anothers' asses.
By:Ian Fortey|October 16, 2013
A year has passed since the events of Batman: Arkham City(quick synopsis – everyone at Arkham Asylum for the Batshit Insane in Gotham City, as well as inmates at Blackgate prison, has escaped and is making the city of Gotham a real shithole.
By:Ian Fortey|October 15, 2013
This weekend was Thanksgiving in Canada. Did you Canadians have Thanksgivng in October? Ya do now. But what’s the big idea, why a month early?
By:Ian Fortey|October 14, 2013
This week is as exciting to me as sitting in a library reading books on tax law. Despite this, it is my solemn duty as a guy who voluntarily gives his opinions on things he knows nothing about to continue sharing said opinions with you, then 13 people who came to this site whilst trying to find a restaurant in Atlanta that has the same name.
By:Ian Fortey|October 11, 2013
Dear Miley and Sinead, I see you two have had a lot to say to one another lately. Sinead, you’re chock full of unsolicited advice for a girl who played a character named Hannah Montana for her entire childhood and whose dad is most famous for Achy Breaky Heart.
By:Ian Fortey|October 10, 2013
We live in a world of under appreciated wonders. The very fact we’re all connected to each other right now across the internet s nothing short of amazing. And only slightly less amazing is the fact that, if I want a pizza, I can just cal someone and tell them to make me a pizza, then sit on my ass until they bring it to my house.
By:Ian Fortey|October 9, 2013
Remember early in 2013 when football punchline Manti Te'o made headlines for sustaining a long term relationship with a girl who never existed?
By:Ian Fortey|October 8, 2013
It’s October and that means zombies, I think. Anyway, as The Walking Dead brings on season 4 after much griping from fans like me in Season 3, I have some words of wisdom that no one asked for on how to make the show the hit it’s supposed to be.
By:Ian Fortey|October 7, 2013
Last week the box office was owned by Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, just as I predicted. I think. I dunno, I’m not going to check. Sounds like something I would have predicted.
By:Ian Fortey|October 4, 2013
Sexting is such a way of life now that politicians legitimately think they can do it and then run for office without being held accountable for it. Silly politicians. For the rest of us it’s just the natural evolution of phone sex, itself the natural evolution of dirty letters.
By:Ian Fortey|October 3, 2013
Once, a long time ago, we have to assume the world was a veritable Shangri La of hatred. People hated whoever they wanted whenever they wanted. Gays? Hate ‘em. Asians? Hate ‘em. Jews? Hate ‘em. Midgets? Hate! As time progressed we developed names for these prejudices and became aware that hating someone based on race or religion or sexual preference was not cool because that makes us dicks, not the people we hate.
By:Ian Fortey|October 2, 2013
I lived a rather panic-free childhood as far as such things go. I didn’t have regular fears, I don’t think, I enjoyed intense horror movies from a young age, I liked being alone in the dark, things were OK. But that didn’t mean I didn’t suffer my share of irrational fears.
By:Ian Fortey|October 1, 2013
Everyone likes ass, right? From felons to rappers to felonious rappers, you can’t go wrong with some heiny. But it grows tiresome when you can’t think of a new way to call it to someone’s attention to their superior turd cutter. Until now! Next time you see a fine looking rump roast, bust out one of these sexy, complimentary descriptors.
By:Ian Fortey|September 30, 2013
I think I missed this last week due to almost dying, but no time to reminisce, it’s time to see what movies are coming out this week to entertain the masses!
By:Ian Fortey|September 27, 2013
What the heck do celebrities do all day anyway?
By:Ian Fortey|September 25, 2013
Sex is a pretty integral part of life and very few of us would exist if not for a little ram jam in a Wal Mart change room. But referring to it simply as “sex” gets old pretty fast, which is why a creative few of us have come up with some snazzy euphemisms to keep things interesting.
By:Ian Fortey|September 24, 2013
As you’ve no doubt noticed, I am smooth as shit. It’s a skill. A skill I will now share with you by letting you enjoy some of my more awesome pick up lines. No need to thank me.
By:Ian Fortey|September 23, 2013
Some of you may have noticed a bit of a lackluster presence from the Taco lately, especially in social media where I’m pretty much a superstar. My Twitter persona has been scaled back and it’s like I’m never around. Why is that? On account of I almost died.
By:Ian Fortey|September 19, 2013
I’m not a coffee fan. I’ll drink coffee if you’re offering drinks and for some reason literally have nothing else and I’m thirsty, but that’s it. I don’t hate it, I just couldn’t really care less about it. Some people, however, are still in that curious Cathy-comic reality where they say things like “Coffee is my life!” or “I’d hook it up to my veins if I could” and it’s hilarious because it’s full of caffeine and it’s like the water of life to them and yadda yadda.
By:Ian Fortey|September 18, 2013
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