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6 Depressing Home Made Sex Toys

Our good friends at Fleshlight are kind enough to send us disembodied vaginas on a semi-regular basis that we can either try or put googly eyes on, on a case by case basis. But the Fleshlight is also pretty much the pinnacle of the affordable, modern sex toy game. After that there’s just those ultra-realistic, multi-thousand dollar real Doll sex dolls that are unspeakably creepy and sad. But what if you, like our intern, are deathly afraid of sex shops and are unable to obtain credit with which to make online purchases, but you still are so very horny for polymer-based sexual release? Necessity is the mother of invention, and crafty pervs the world over have come up with numerous homemade sex toy options! It’s just that some make our soul frown.

By:|January 10, 2012


s chtick

The Morning Jolt: Schticky

It's the Shamwow guy. Gotta tell ya, the magic is gone.

By:|January 10, 2012


Chudsy

Thanks To Photoshop, We Now Know What The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Looks Like

We all have an idea of what the most beautiful man or woman in the world would look like. For example, my perfect female looks like a combination of Anne Hathaway and an X-Box. Yours might be some other combination of famous people and/or video game consoles. Maybe you’re more of a Meryl Streep/Commodore 64 kind of person.

By:|January 9, 2012


BlueIvy

7 Weird Celebrity Baby Names And Their Origins

Obviously, this article was inspired by Jay-Z and Beyonce's latest work, Blue Ivy. It's not a new album or some sort of designer fragrance, it's a baby. If you didn't already know this, then you don't hang around with enough teenagers. Celebrities have a pretty solid habit of giving their children really stupid names. It's almost like a rite of passage or something. It's as though these people know that their family legacy will rise above any mocking a poor kid named "Blue Ivy" might be subject to. It's not completely fair to judge a parent's name choice until you get the full back story. With that in mind, here are a handful of other celebrity baby names and their origins, (which I may or may not have completely made up.)

By:|January 9, 2012


pho shizzle restaurant

25 Awesomely Named Restaurants

There are nearly limitless choices when it comes to eating out, but why go to Charlie's Bistro when so many restauranteurs take the time to make hilarious pun names? Hilarious! Pun! Name!

By:|January 9, 2012


Holy Taco debate

The GOP Candidates Debate the Unveiling of a New Holy Taco

A New Holy Taco! A massive debate! Fire! Robots! Aliens! Pie! YAY!!!

By:|January 9, 2012


no photo

The Morning Jolt: You’re Pronouncing it Wrong

You know how, sometimes when you're on TV, and you're being racist but it makes you laugh, you can't stop repeating the same offensive thing that makes you laugh? This is like that.

By:|January 9, 2012


satcomic36

Zoology

What Zoology doesn't tell you is that birds are remarkably helpful when dealing with personal finance.

By:|January 8, 2012


serving-hands

Classic Taco – 7 Signs You’re an Adult

If you're a Jew or a Mexican girl, there's a specific day where you officially become an adult. For everyone else, becoming a grown-up is a gradual process, and most of the time you don't realize that you've become an adult until it's too late. So, for everyone who doesn't get to have one of those awesome "you're a grown-up now" parties, we've created this helpful list of 7 Signs That You're an Adult. 1. You Pay for Things that You Can't Hold in Your Hand

By:|January 8, 2012


Magazine

Sunday Comics

It's Sunday and that means you sit and read these now!

By:|January 8, 2012


2012-01-06 Buni

Buni

When Buni busts out dinosaurs and zombies, you know it's a good time.

By:|January 8, 2012


Flowchart-Fap-To-It

Classic Taco – A Flowchart to Determine if you Should Fap to It

Everyday, people all over the world encounter hundreds of things that they could easily masturbate to, and sometimes it's difficult to determine if you should or shouldn't jerk off to something. That's why we've created this helpful flowchart to help you determine if you should fap to it:

By:|January 7, 2012


Stephen Hawking_Boobs

Stephen Hawking Spends Most of His Days Thinking About Boobs

Stephen Hawking. He’s one of the smartest people to have ever lived, and even he, in his infinite, universally expansive wisdom, has no goddamn clue how women function. In an interview with New Scientist magazine, Hawking was asked what he thinks about most during the day. His answer was simple: “Women. They are a complete mystery.” Some people would probably interpret that quote as being one of those great one-liners you read on those quote websites your lame Facebook friends steal their status updates from. Your lame Facebook friends will steal that quote in the years, decades to come because of the inherent irony of one of the smartest people on earth not being able to grasp the concept of a woman. It makes the rest of us men feel just a little bit better. But there’s something else that Stephen Hawking just admitted to here that I think is even more important.

By:|January 6, 2012


JawsRide

Five Movie-Themed Rides To Replace ‘Jaws’ At Universal Studios

Universal Studios recently shut down one of its flagship attractions which was a boring boat ride based on the move "Jaws." The ride was pretty iconic, pretty memorable, but it definitely paled in comparison to exciting thrill rides with holograms and smell-o-vision, or whatever the hell makes a ride exciting these days. A lot of people are upset about such a staple leaving the park to make room for rides based on more popular franchises, but that's just how show business works, kids! The park wants to fill the void with some more Harry Potter rides which is probably a good business move, but we've got a few other ideas that might make for a more interesting ride. Universal owns the rights to thousands of adventure films that they could base a new ride on. Sticking with the nostalgia theme, here's a few ideas:

By:|January 6, 2012


fish head pie

25 Ugly Pies

History teaches us that pie is awesome. But then someone goes ahead and makes these pies that look like butt with a crust.

By:|January 6, 2012


girlscout

6 Girl Scout Cookies We’d Like to See

The Girl Scouts, one of North America’s oldest organized crime syndicates, has launched a brand new cookie called Savannah Smiles to temp you wallet at a grossly inappropriate mark up. The new cookie is a lemon shortbread dusted with powdered sugar, which sounds kind of boring and in no way can compete with the fierce might of the Thin Mint or the underdog awesomeness of Samoas. This new innovation, the lemon, was discovered around the first century or so, at least by Europeans, which makes it as old as shit. Really, Girl Scouts? Really? There are any number of potentially more awesome cookies that could be introduced and that will more than justify the nearly insane price you charge. Behold!

By:|January 6, 2012


no photo

The Morning Jolt: Huh?

She definitely says scumbag right at the end. But yeah...what?

By:|January 6, 2012


jessica-biel

Why Jessica Biel Should Be Engaged To Me, And Not Justin Timberlake

Hey Jessica, See how I start this whole thing with Hey instead of the more formal Hello? That’s the kind of closeness you’ll get with me. I don’t mess around with the awkward first months of a relationship. I cut right to chummy, loving Heys and farting in your presence. Sadly, as much as it pains me to admit it, you’re going to miss out on the deep, meaningful comfort that I can bring to a relationship, seeing as you are now officially engaged to Justin Timberlake. I can’t fault you. I’m sure JT is a wonderful man. He sings, he dances, he has a really high pitched voice that makes it seem like his testicles never once thought about descending – he’s the full package, even though he may not have a full package. Get it? I did a thing with words, there. I don’t want this to be about how terrible JT is for you. I want this to be about how much better I can be for you. If JT is here [Luis holds his hand at an arbitrary height], I’m, like, here [Luis holds his hand at an arbitrary, slightly higher height]. See? Do you see the difference in hand placement? The hand that represents me is clearly the higher of the two, so that’s reason number one for why I’m better than Timberlake. Because of hands and where they are placed on a scale of other hands.

By:|January 5, 2012


Hello Bear

GIF Attack!

    Hello bear!

By:|January 5, 2012


white_castle_pile

Invalid Arguments Against The DASH Diet

Fat people and people who think they're fat keep talking about the DASH diet, so we figured it was in our best interest to find out what it was, then make fun of it accordingly. The "DASH" part of it is actually an acronym which stands for "Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension" that means high blood pressure, for those of you who don't have access to doctors. I guess it's a good idea to follow a diet that might prevent high blood pressure, but I plan on dying early so it's of no use to me. Now I will review the basic bullet points of the diet, and tell you exactly why I can't stick to it...

By:|January 5, 2012


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