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Journey Give Terrible Directions

You don't need to take a midnight train to get from South Detroit to Anywhere, you just need to go to Canada. It's near the Windsor airport. It's like 5 miles away and there's one toll booth. You could probably walk it in a pinch. Suck it, Journey.

By:|December 2, 2011


sexual aphorisms

Testing 6 Sexual Aphorisms

The world is full of all manner of sayings, each with a greater or lesser degree of pointlessness, meant to tell us something about something. Some are poignant, some are idiotic and some are about bumping uglies. Let’s peruse some of the world’s favorite sexual aphorisms and sayings and put them to the test to see if they hold any water. Or anything else that needs to be held.

By:|December 2, 2011


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The Morning Jolt – How to Lose $2400

how to lose $2400 in 24 seconds from Kurtis Hough on Vimeo. I could lose that much money waaaay quicker, just give me some Schnapps and a credit card.

By:|December 2, 2011


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Healthy Skyrim Sex Life

Skyrim Sex Life - Watch MoreFunny Videos   Spring Break Lap Dance (truTV) Emily Browning Hotness (Maxim) Stupid People and Nice Cars! (BroBible) Tim And Erics Billion Dollar Movie (Nerve) Worst Fantasy Football Busts (Clutch) Hot Babes For World Aids Awareness (Coed) Smart Chimps Throw Their Pooop (FunnyCrave) Frosty Gets Naughty (LulzShirts) So You Wanna Advertise On Fox? (DogAndPony) The Hottest Celebrities Who Posed For Playboy (Guyism) 29 Happy Mugshots (PopCrunch) Creepy Cyclops Gallery (RegretfulMorning) When Dogs Shoot Men (TheDailyWhat) Catrinel Menghia Hotness (CampusSocialite) When Things Go Horribly Wrong (DJMick) The Joy Of Yoga Girls (Heavy) Hot Babes Named Chelsea (GorillaMask) Olivia Munn Hotness (HollywoodTuna) The Hottest Daisy Duke Ever (DoubleViking) Fassbender Likes Sex. A Lot Of It (FilmDrunk) Shannon Ihrke Hotness (CagePotato)  

By:|December 1, 2011


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This Is Daniel Day-Lewis With His Lincoln Beard. What’s He Thinking?

For the past few years, Steven Spielberg has been trying to make a movie about Abraham Lincoln. In that time the film went from rumor to concrete to on the verge of happening to dead and back to life. Originally, Liam Neeson was rumored to have the roll of our 5th president, and then he dropped out. Finally, method actor Daniel Day-Lewis got the part. We’re all waiting to see what a professionally performed Lincoln looks like on screen, seeing as, for most of us, our only knowledge of honest Abe doesn’t extend beyond Disney’s Hall of Presidents and Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. So, from those two incarnations of Lincoln, I can assume Lincoln was a stiff-bodied man that always took the time to remind us to be excellent to each other, as well as to party on, dudes. Earlier this week the internet got its first taste of Daniel Day-Lewis’ portrayal of Lincoln with a leaked picture of Lewis sporting his Lincoln beard while eating at a restaurant. So, of course, I took it upon myself to imagine what’s going on in Lewis’ brain. Because why not?

By:|December 1, 2011


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Texts from Bennett: Who is Bennett?

Today I received word of the tumblr account Texts From Bennett from 6 different people. Everyone wanted to assure me it's funny. And it is kind of funny, because Bennett seems like a bit of a slow coach while at the same time being something of a foul mouthed hip hop skid mark on the face of the world. Or maybe he's just misunderstood, we're only getting a small piece of Bennett here, after all. Naturally we're forced to wonder who Bennett is after reading his myriad, poorly written texts. Can we paint a picture of him based on this limited info? You bet your Bob Ross ass we can!

By:|December 1, 2011


Taylor Lautner

GIF Attack!

If the Twilight movies were all made up of scene like this, I would never stop watching them. Someone, please, make this happen.

By:|December 1, 2011


AbandonedBaby

The Inner Monologue Of The Kentucky Man Who Left His Baby At The Grocery Store

Oh Jesus. Ok. I need to double check this stupid list before I check-out... Eggs. Right there. Milk. There. Two bags of frozen mixed vegetables, one large bag of rice, the steaks. Ok, check, check and check. Everything looks to be here. Got the bread too. Good. Cereal, soy milk, regular milk and coffee. Got it, got it, got it, and got it. Good work, Steven. You've officially given Amy nothing to bitch at you about. And now, to the check out. Kids are all here. Ok... Now to pick the shortest line.

By:|December 1, 2011


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Batslam

Why Batmanning Never Caught On - Watch MoreFunny Videos   Squeeky Gets The Boot (truTV) Elizabeth Masucci Hotness (Maxim) The Most Divisive Athletes Ever (Ranker) Uma Thurman Busts Out (Popoholic) Mortal Man Marries Anne Hathaway (FunnyCrave) This Week In Robot Chicken...(AdultSwim) Epic Family Photo (Lulzshirts) Jesse Jane Hotness (RegretfulMorning) Meet Hoodie Allen (BroBible) Old Timey Insults That Need A Comeback (TheSmokingJacket) Why Women Shouldn't Get Plastic Surgery (Guyism) Daniel Day Is...Lincoln (TheDailyWhat) Ashley Greene: Angel Of Death (CelebSlam) Hot Babes Named Chelsea (GorillaMask) Dogs Hanging Out Of Car Windows (SuperBooyah) Women Who Dont Like Owls (IAmBored) The Most Nauseating Reality Show Pregnancies (ScreenJunkies) Hanson Is Back (FilmDrunk)  

By:|December 1, 2011


crotch eye monster

25 of the Most Awesome Giant Movie Monsters

A monster movie is only as good as its monster, and if you're a lazy/awesome filmmaker, that just means making your monster really big. So check out these giant bad boys while contemplating if tomorrow's gallery is going to be tiny monsters (hint: yes).

By:|December 1, 2011


badly wrapped gift

Gift Guide: Holy Taco’s Picks for the Best Presents of 2011

Every year, every website under the sun presents to you its gift guide for the best and coolest loot you can share with loved ones this holiday season (which we think mean Christmas and Hanukkah). Other sites probably do this much better than us, except for the fact that they don’t! Because their lists are cold and passionless. Our list is full of stuff we want for us because we live in difficult times and places and we legitimately need everything we have listed here. So if we inspire you, buy this stuff for a loved one because if you give the gift of Holy Taco, you give the gift of love. But also, maybe buy it for us. One of our editors lives in a storage unit. For real. He poops in a bucket. Feel free to guess which editor. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. That aside, on with the gift guide.

By:|December 1, 2011


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The Morning Jolt – Keyboard Cat Hates Nerds

This kid probably lives in an underground lair right now, plotting against each and every one of us.

By:|December 1, 2011


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Nothing Wrong With Any Of This

Cute Girl Vs. Skinny Jeans - Watch MoreFunny Videos   Hot Bartender MIA (truTV) Elizabeth Masucci Hotness (Maxim) The Greatest Love Songs of the 2000s (Nerve) Paulina Gretzky's Hottest Pics (Coed) Best Comedy Albums of 2011 (Clutch) DARPAs Mind Control Technology (FunnyCrave) The Most Awkward Kiss Ever (Linkiest) The World In Stop Motion (DogAndPony) Jessie Jane Hotness (RegretfulMorning) Awesomely Placed Price Tags (PopCrunch) Epic Leafblower Spins (JackFM) Girls Shooting Gunz (LulzShirts) The Best Sidekicks in TV History (Guyism) The Existential Muppets (TheDailyWhat) Meanwhile in Bangkok (DJMick) Dog Goes Grocery Shopping (ForkParty) Victoria's Secret Fashion Show Hotness (MoeJackson) Jaws: The Musical! (Heavy) Daniel Day Lewis Is...Lincoln (FilmDrunk) Armie Babe Hotness (GorillaMask) 7 Minutes In Heaven (egoTV) Amy Childs Busts Out (HollywoodTuna) Hottie On The Water (DoubleViking) Shannon Ihrke Hotness (CagePotato)  

By:|November 30, 2011


The Thinker_Boobs

Men Think About Sex 18 Times A Day, Says Study; Not Every Seven Seconds

You know that absurd statistic about how men think about sex “every seven seconds”? You know, the stat you’ve been hearing about your entire life but have never once had sourced, or have seen any official documentation about? Well, it turns out it might be wrong. Completely. Wrong by a wide margin. According to some new research conducted by psychologist Terri Fisher, the average collage male thinks about sex roughly 18 times day. Eighteen as opposed to seven multiplied by however many seven-second intervals there are in a 24 period, which is math that I refuse to do, mostly because I couldn’t do it even if I tried really hard.

By:|November 30, 2011


sandwichface1

GIF Attack!

I don't remember the Street Sharks commercials being so much like a David Cronenberg movie.

By:|November 30, 2011


WholeFam

You + Santa + Machine Guns = And All-American Christmas

So you've been planning to take the kids to the mall to get their annual photo with Santa Claus. Sounds like a good idea. If you're an anti-American pansy! You gonna get another picture of your lame kid in an ugly sweater, forcing a smile while he sits on a mall Santa's lap? Maybe you oughta switch it up a little bit this year. Try maybe not making your kids look like wimps. I'll tell you what these Santa Claus pictures need -- guns. C'mon, it's pretty obvious. You want to send a message, you want to let the world know what a gaggle of badass m.f.'ers your family is? You got two options: throw in some topless chicks, or make everyone hold guns. Not down for the topless chicks? Guns it is. If this is something you're actually looking to do, which we'd highly recommend, you can head down to Scottsdale, Arizona. If you're a member of their gun club, you can get your family's photos taken with Santa, and some really expensive, hard to obtain guns. AR-15's, grenade launchers, and AK-47's. Let everyone on your Christmas mailing list that you are not to be f*cked with!

By:|November 30, 2011


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This Dude Has Wings

Our friends over at TruTV have this story up about the former world's fattest man wanting the government to pay for cosmetic surgery but good lord, am I wrong? He has wing flaps. Look at that shit! Someone needs to pay to fix that, if not for him, for the rest of us. Read the rest of the story here

By:|November 30, 2011


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Kung Fu Jamboree

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By:|November 30, 2011


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Holytaco Buzz: Battlefield Earth IRL

Just when you thought Gold hungry Aliens who dressed like 90s Dreadlocked Trance Goths were just the makings of fiction, South Africa has to prove us wrong.  According to their top conspiracy theorists, Aliens are, in fact, after our gold supply, and working on it as we speak. Though their proof may be a little on the light side, all they really need is John Travolta's awe inspiring 1999 film Battlefield Earth as proof. Leverage, humans.  It's all about Leverage.

By:|November 30, 2011


creepy stuffed toy

25 Creepy Stuffed Toys

Stuffed toys are some of the first you'll give a child, due to their lack of sharp corners and/or arsenic. And while that's all fine and good you should probably not give them creepy, nightmare toys. Unless you're positive it'll be funny.

By:|November 30, 2011


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