If you followed our douchebag tournament you saw that Florida’s own vinegar-saturated knucklehead Terry Jones was knocked out in the early rounds by the Westboro Baptist Church. To the untrained eye that might make it seem like Jones is not a douchebag, but the truth is he’s such a douchebag he’s actually managed to do what even Westboro has yet to do – this sack of trash just got people killed.
Jones, who got famous initially for threatening to burn the Koran, finally made good on his promise. The result? Between 16 and 30 people are dead. Way to be a confused-looking dipshit hick preacher, Jones.
While we wait for Jones to actually open a Bible not stained with moonshine and get to the part about loving thy neighbor or turning the other cheek, and other people sort out what to do with the $2.4 million bounty put on the idiot’s head by Hezbollah, we’ve got some ideas for what Jones can do with his time now that he’s the most hated man in America.
1. Lou Ferrigno will be hired to grasp Jones by his wizened shoulders and shake him repeatedly until such time as his brain is soft enough that this sort of debacle can’t happen again.
2. Jones will be set up in a tiny truck and told that broiler pans full of pulled pork are actually Muslim holy meats. He will then be trucked to various construction sites to provide delicious, free meals for workers.
3. Jones will be forced to grow out his scruffy, toilet brush of a beard and then dragged through the Gulf to help clean up the oil spill.
4. In a primetime special, Pastor Jones will be forced to consume the 12% mystery substrate that make up the non-beef part of Taco Bell taco meat, Fear Factor style, while Joe Rogan heckles him.
5. Jones can take up knitting and maybe put together a nice afghan or two. It’d be kind of weirdly ironic. Oh, then someone could kick him in the nuts.
6. The cast of Jersey Shore and the reverend can be forced to live together in a small, one room home in one of the less affluent neighborhoods in a South American slum where their job will be to house parasites.
7. Monkeys trained in Jeet Kune Do can travel on a massive country-wide, 50 state tour of America making stops in all major cities to put on shows where they attempt to kick Jones’ mustache off.
8. Pastor Jones can become a friction tester at a butt plug factory. Those exist, right?
9. Pastor Jones can be the guest of honor at an all gay, all Muslim Bible burning Jamboree in Las Vegas where he’ll be given a free ass tattoo to commemorate the occasion.
10. Jones can tongue-bathe Ron Jeremy between scenes.
11. At a pay-per-view event, Jones can be pistol whipped on a raised platform by 100 lucky fans who won a nationwide contest while the legends of 80’s rock perform a concert.
12. A series of scrotal papercuts and several cases of lemons in needs of juicing.
13. In a new series on the Food Network, Jones has to eat all the half eaten food Guy Fieri leaves behind on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives in 30 minutes or less. If he wins he gets cheered by the crowd, if he fails the Iron Chefs circle boot him.
14. Pastor Jones has to eat wieners out of the same Fleshlight as the official HT dog.
15. Teabag a deep fryer
16. Pastor Jones will have to watch every season of Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper until such time as he spontaneously laughs along with the laugh track and effectively finds the show funny.
17. In an effort to understand the root of comedy, Jones will have to reenact the history of popular slapstick which is to say he’ll be beaten with wrenches.
18. Because30’s style boxing is awesome, Jones and Westboro founder/decrepit cryptkeeper Fred Phelps will stand in a ring with no foot movement allowed and simply punch each other in the face for as long as it takes until one man cannot stand any longer. At this point, they will be given stools and continue to punch each other.
19. The congregation of the Pastor’s church will be forced to assist Jones in crowd surfing during a Slipknot concert performed in a ceiling fan store. He’ll be hit with so many fans! Ha ha ha!
20. As part of a fact finding mission, Pastor Jones can travel to Afghanistan and find facts. In Afghanistan.
21. As part of an effort to help rather than hurt people, Jones can test whether or not things like ghost pepper enemas and poison ivy lube are beneficial to mankind.
22. Jones will audition for the coveted film role of Aquaman by wrestling a shark.
23. Jones will have to be a guest on Maury Povich. On purpose.
24. Taking one (or two) for the team, Jones will sleep with Renee Zellwegger, Kelly Osbourne, Amy Winehouse and Madonna, in rotation, in perpetuity, so that no one else has to.
25. Here’s a spoon, how about you eat my ass.