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Pastor Terry Jones is a Douchebag: 25 Ideas for Paying Him Back

terry jones

If you followed our douchebag tournament you saw that Florida’s own vinegar-saturated knucklehead Terry Jones was knocked out in the early rounds by the Westboro Baptist Church. To the untrained eye that might make it seem like Jones is not a douchebag, but the truth is he’s such a douchebag he’s actually managed to do what even Westboro has yet to do – this sack of trash just got people killed.

Jones, who got famous initially for threatening to burn the Koran, finally made good on his promise. The result? Between 16 and 30 people are dead. Way to be a confused-looking dipshit hick preacher, Jones.

While we wait for Jones to actually open a Bible not stained with moonshine and get to the part about loving thy neighbor or turning the other cheek, and other people sort out what to do with the $2.4 million bounty put on the idiot’s head by Hezbollah, we’ve got some ideas for what Jones can do with his time now that he’s the most hated man in America.

1. Lou Ferrigno will be hired to grasp Jones by his wizened shoulders and shake him repeatedly until such time as his brain is soft enough that this sort of debacle can’t happen again.

the hulk

2. Jones will be set up in a tiny truck and told that broiler pans full of pulled pork are actually Muslim holy meats. He will then be trucked to various construction sites to provide delicious, free meals for workers.

3. Jones will be forced to grow out his scruffy, toilet brush of a beard and then dragged through the Gulf to help clean up the oil spill.

4. In a primetime special, Pastor Jones will be forced to consume the 12% mystery substrate that make up the non-beef part of Taco Bell taco meat, Fear Factor style, while Joe Rogan heckles him.

5. Jones can take up knitting and maybe put together a nice afghan or two. It’d be kind of weirdly ironic. Oh, then someone could kick him in the nuts.

6. The cast of Jersey Shore and the reverend can be forced to live together in a small, one room home in one of the less affluent neighborhoods in a South American slum where their job will be to house parasites.

7. Monkeys trained in Jeet Kune Do can travel on a massive country-wide, 50 state tour of America making stops in all major cities to put on shows where they attempt to kick Jones’ mustache off.

8. Pastor Jones can become a friction tester at a butt plug factory. Those exist, right?

9. Pastor Jones can be the guest of honor at an all gay, all Muslim Bible burning Jamboree in Las Vegas where he’ll be given a free ass tattoo to commemorate the occasion.

10. Jones can tongue-bathe Ron Jeremy between scenes.

11. At a pay-per-view event, Jones can be pistol whipped on a raised platform by 100 lucky fans who won a nationwide contest while the legends of 80’s rock perform a concert.

12. A series of scrotal papercuts and several cases of lemons in needs of juicing.

13. In a new series on the Food Network, Jones has to eat all the half eaten food Guy Fieri leaves behind on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives in 30 minutes or less. If he wins he gets cheered by the crowd, if he fails the Iron Chefs circle boot him.

14. Pastor Jones has to eat wieners out of the same Fleshlight as the official HT dog.


15. Teabag a deep fryer

16. Pastor Jones will have to watch every season of Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper until such time as he spontaneously laughs along with the laugh track and effectively finds the show funny.

17. In an effort to understand the root of comedy, Jones will have to reenact the history of popular slapstick which is to say he’ll be beaten with wrenches.

18. Because30’s style boxing is awesome, Jones and Westboro founder/decrepit cryptkeeper Fred Phelps will stand in a ring with no foot movement allowed and simply punch each other in the face for as long as it takes until one man cannot stand any longer. At this point, they will be given stools and continue to punch each other.

19. The congregation of the Pastor’s church will be forced to assist Jones in crowd surfing during a Slipknot concert performed in a ceiling fan store. He’ll be hit with so many fans! Ha ha ha!

20. As part of a fact finding mission, Pastor Jones can travel to Afghanistan and find facts. In Afghanistan.

21. As part of an effort to help rather than hurt people, Jones can test whether or not things like ghost pepper enemas and poison ivy lube are beneficial to mankind.

22. Jones will audition for the coveted film role of Aquaman by wrestling a shark.

23. Jones will have to be a guest on Maury Povich. On purpose.

24. Taking one (or two) for the team, Jones will sleep with Renee Zellwegger, Kelly Osbourne, Amy Winehouse and Madonna, in rotation, in perpetuity, so that no one else has to.

25. Here’s a spoon, how about you eat my ass.

spoon

21 Responses to "Pastor Terry Jones is a Douchebag: 25 Ideas for Paying Him Back"

  1. Dennis Nedry says:

    Yeah, he’s a douche. Just like the Muslims that go apeshit when someone does something unflattering in connection with Muhammad or who vowed to kill Salman Rushdie after he published The Satanic Verses. Just like the Muslims that punish women who allow themselves to be raped or who live under oppressive rule for decades before getting their shit together. Pastor Terry Jones’s record doesn’t compare to the thousands killed when sectarian violence was all the rage in Iraq. Now, some “living God” in India is on the outs. Apparently, he’s a pedophile and a sexual predator. It’s easy to point a finger at our own, but what goes on here in the states is fairly lame to the insane shit that goes on overseas.

    • Ian Fortey says:

      The people actually committing murder are far worse, but look, this is a comedy website and we’ve got 2 people to deal with – the killers, who are over in a war zone doing awful things in a very serious environment, and a dipshit, scruffy old man in Florida who’s posting videos on Youtube specifically for the Arab world to piss them off. We chose the appropriate target.

      • Richard Penne says:

        Actually, you didn’t.

        In this country we celebrate free speech…even the speech that you or Muslims disagree with.

        So what if Muslims are so fucking brainwashed that freedom means nothing to them? Does that mean that we cower and hide our heads in the sand? Do we continue with free speech EXCEPT when some goat fucker (and, yes, it is OK in Islam to fuck your goat as long as you don’t have it for dinner) disagrees with it?

        To hell with them and to hell with Islam. To hell with their enslavement of women and to hell with waltzing around that rock of theirs.

        While religion has always been a source of intolerance and bigotry, Islam takes it to a whole new level.

        I don’t care how crazy they want to be in their own back yards. But, when they propose to tell us what to do by killing innocent people because they don’t like what we do in our own back yards, it’s time for a pork roast in Mecca.

        • Ian Fortey says:

          But do I need to write an article condmning murderers?

          • Richard Penne says:

            Why not? If we’re calling out douchebags here, what’s a more douchebag thing to do…burn a book because you disagree with it or cutting the heads off of real innocent people that were half a fucking world away from the burning of the book and that had nothing whatsoever to do with burning it?

          • Ian Fortey says:

            That’s totally a more asshole move, but that’s not what I was writing about.

  2. Chuck B says:

    Wow this site is lame. How about targeting Islam with your humor? The religion founded by the guy who married one of his wives when she was six years old? The religion that prohibits women from leaving the house unless they are covered from head to toe and accomanied by a male family member? The religion that castrates its female babies to prevent them from ever enjoying sex – you know, the religion that stones them to death if they become the victims of rape? It’s also the religion that goes beserk if you draw a cartoon or make a joke about them or their pedophile Prohet – so I can see why the editors of this site would take their side in this Terry Jones thing – it says a lot about you. Losers.

    • Ian Fortey says:

      I’m not sure how making fun of Terry Jones means we’re taking the side of murderers. It means we think Jones is a douchebag.

  3. bad acid trip says:

    You forgot one.
    16. Take Terry Jones and all of the Westboro Baptists, lynch them with barbed wire, and set them ablaze while they’re gasping for air.

  4. Johnnymacklin says:

    No you did not in fact choose the right one. The guys an idiot but that is all he is. Comedy website or not blaming this retarded old man for those deaths is ridiculous and dangerous. It is in fact the kind of shit those assholes overseas who actually caused the deaths love. This guy burned some paper. It was a pointless, arbitrary act and now people all over America are blaming this dude for murders that were committed by sick, misguided religious zealots and instead of focusing on the danger to free speech and freedom of religion these people pose we are focusing on this guy.This dude has the right to burn whatever books he wants and say whatever the hell he wants about any religion. You folks post some pretty inflammatory shit on this page quite often.Would the blame lay at your feet if some nut job shot up a fast food joint because of something he read on here? Comedy or not, what this article is saying is that we should censor ourselves so we don’t anger these people and that we should only exercise and back up one of our greatest freedoms(freedom of speech) as long as we don’t insult these people. Joke site or not, have a little journalistic responsibility.

    • Ian Fortey says:

      See, the same thing came up on FB and you’re missing the point. It’s like no one understands freedom of speech – you can say whatever you want, this dude can burn all the books he wants, but he needs to face what comes after saying it. You think freedom of speech means freedom from responsibility? Bullshit. Go to a predominantly black neighborhood and start yelling out racial slurs, you think you won’t get an ass kicking? You’re beyond an idiot if you think you can say and do what you like without having to answer for it.

      • Richard Penne says:

        And you don’t deserve the freedom that people died to give you if you back down because some people don;t like what ou have to say.

        Humor site or not…grow a spine.

        • Ian Fortey says:

          Can you even read? When the fuck did I back down? I stand behind my original point, this guy is a douchebag. If I had written an article about Muslim extremists, I would have called them douchebags too, but i didn’t. If you can’t glean the very specific and clear points from comedy articles, then stick with ebaums.

          • Richard Penne says:

            “You’re beyond an idiot if you think you can say and do what you like without having to answer for it.”

            When you can’t say what you like in this country it is no longer the United States of America.

            If you have already given up your right to free speech (even in a black neighborhood) because you fear the consequences (which is what you seemed to say in your last comment), YOU have already backed down.

          • Ian Fortey says:

            It’s not fear of consequences, it’s owning them.

  5. Richard Penne says:

    “It’s not fear of consequences, it’s owning them.”

    So,you are right back where you started. Are you saying that Douchebag Terry is not “owning them” when he has had over 400 death threats and a $2.4 million bounty placed on his head? I’d say he is.

    Or, are you saying that he is responsible for the douchebag muslims beheading innocent people? If you are, you are right back where you started – better be quiet, somebody might get offended and whack off a head.

    The people that were killed also knew the risks they took by going into that God forsaken mental ward called the middle east.

    You can’t help crazy.

  6. IDEAL says:

    2.4 million? 2 birds with one stone would be if our government killed him and claimed the reward>