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Pat Sajak: Game Show Host, Bored Twitter Troll

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After 30-plus years of doing the same damn thing over and over again, it appears that Pat Sajak is finally making his boredom and frustration with life brutally public. It’s the only way to explain why he would go on Twitter and proclaim, ”I now believe global warming alarmists are unpatriotic racists knowingly misleading for their own ends.” Ed Grimley was wrong — Pat is not a decent guy, I must say.

While this isn’t the first time Sajak has tweeted about global warming, it’s certainly the first time he’s accused its believers of racism. How does that even work? “We shall tell all the black people that their spraypaints have created a hole in the sky. That way they will stop spraypainting everything and lose their identity FOREVER! MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAA.”

As it turns out, he might have no idea either, since hours later he tweeted, “Sometimes it’s fun to poke a stick in a hornets’ nest just to hear the buzzing.” In other words, he’s trolling. Pat Sajak, a guy who gets to be on TV countless times a week, has resorted to Twitter trolling to pass the hours. This, plus the fact that he has 3,000 fucking tweets to his name, leads me to believe he’s simply bored shitless of a monotonous life that peaked shortly after Bush the First took office.

Who can blame him? He’s been doing Wheel of Fortune since 1981, and that’s pretty much it! 33 straight years of “sorry, no B’s”? No shit he’s gone insane. Unfortunately, due to that annoying little thing in his life called “a contract,” Sajak will likely not be allowed to display much more of his inner wackaloon. And that’s a damn shame, because if he just said “fuck it” and went nuts, it’d be the most entertaining thing he’s done since …

um …

hmm …

er …

And that’s a damn shame, because if he just said “fuck it” and went nuts, it’d be the first entertaining thing he’s ever done. Much better.

If he ever does, we’re here to help, as always. Here are a few awesome ways Pat Sajak could go on a crazy old man bender that would make us forget all about Charlie Sheen. Moreso than we already have.

–Fill all your prize cars with angry skunks. As soon as a contestant wins one and climbs in, press the Panic button.

–When a contestant spins the wheel, grab a spoke and stop the spinning. Tell them to try again. When they do, grab another spoke. Become visibly agitated at their inability to spin a stupid wheel. Come “Final Spin” time, spin it and mock the contestant for being too weak and stupid to do it themselves.

–Walk up to the stage, cradling a live coconut crab in each arm. Drop them onto the wheel. Spin. Walk away. Take a seat and touch yourself while soaking in all the sweet, sweet screaming.

Like the kind everyone reading this is doing right now.

–Show up on the Jeopardy set and replace Alex Trebek’s question cards with Cards Against Humanity. Laugh hysterically as he insists that the first man in space was “Cockissimo Fantastico, the legendary lover with the wonderous wang.”

–Strip bare-ass naked, scale the Empire State Building, set up a gigantic sound system, and finally — after 30 goddamn years of desperately holding it in — declare your love for Vanna White.

“To you, this was just a silly gag. To me … it was EVERYTHING.”

–When she says no because you’re “like a brother” to her, do an Olympic dive off the ledge. Don’t worry — there’s a 50% chance some unpatriotic, racist tourist will break your fall.

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