Explore Holy Taco

Parenting Tip: If You’re Going to Breastfeed Your Six-Year Old, Don’t Talk About It with a Major British Newspaper

Like most “Internet writers,” I was raised by an overbearing mother. She was needy, overprotective, and, as you’d imagine, she insisted on breastfeeding me until I was fourteen. And while there are a lot of unresolved issues between us, I have to give credit where credit is due. For all her faults, she never once took a picture of herself breastfeeding me at an inappropriate age and put it in a major British newspaper. And for that, I am truly grateful. Thanks, mom.

On the other hand, there’s this young lad. He’s not so lucky. His mother is what some people might refer to as a “stupid cow.” Now, the fact that she’s breastfeeding her son at that age is creepy, but that’s not the issue. Well, it’s an issue, but it’s not the issue. The issue is that for reasons known only to god, she allowed a picture of her six-year-old son sucking on her tits to be printed in the Daily Mail, along with his real name. Brilliant. We have our Mom of the Year!

First off, we have the question of why this imbecile lets her six-year old breastfeed. As it turns out, the answer is rather simple. He wants to, and it’s cold out in the morning.

“I know some people think it’s strange. But I think it’s perfectly natural. He’s doing it less and less and it’s only a ­morning thing. I’m feeding William, ­Daddy’s gone to work and it’s cold, so I don’t want to get out of bed.”

I hear that, sister. In the morning, it’s friggen cold, and I don’t feel like getting out of bed to feed my dog. If there was a way my dog could climb up into my bed and drink milk from my nipples, I would totally do that. Unfortunately, there’s not, so I’ll just let him shit all over the house and eventually starve to death. I am not a morning person.

But here’s where the story gets interesting (more so). When asked if she’s worried that their “feeding arrangement” might get around to the other kids on the playground, ol’ milk tits has an interesting answer. First of all, her son calls her breast milk “lellow,” for some reason. As in, “they call it mellow lellow (quite rightly).” Obviously, the kids would never be able to crack that super-secret password…unless, of course, you printed it in a major British newspaper for everyone to read.

“I don’t worry about what other ­children will say, because I know the children he hangs around with. The only way they are going to find out is if their ­parents tell them.”

I sort of respect that line of reasoning. But again, here’s the rub. You’re putting it all in the god-damn paper. Worse yet, the article, along with your pictures and names, is now indexed by Google. Anytime anyone Google’s your son’s name from now until the end of the Internet, a picture of him sucking on your disgusting ta-tas will pop up. Can you imagine what this poor kid is going to go through in high school, or whatever they have in the UK? I would say that kids will probably print the picture and post it on his locker, but at this point, they can just send it to each other on their phones (why waste paper?). Five years from now, they’ll be making 3D holograms of his mouth on your nipple, and projecting it on the side of your house. As Tim and Eric are fond of saying, “Great job!” (Source)

6 Responses to "Parenting Tip: If You’re Going to Breastfeed Your Six-Year Old, Don’t Talk About It with a Major British Newspaper"

  1. Colleen says:

    Editing Tip: Remember to use the correct words in the title…maybe like ummm oh I don’t know…parenting instead of patenting?! Idiots.

  2. dustin says:

    Who the fuck would even have sex with that? why does she have kids…WHY

  3. Anonimoose says:

    That kid is FUCKED. Once his buddies see the pics and the incessant mocking begins he’ll be sucking back hot buckshot outta both barrels in no time.

  4. Trixie says:

    Whoever wrote this was obviously formula-fed.

  5. DonkeyXote says:

    “If there was a way my dog could climb up into my bed and drink milk from my nipples, I would totally do that. Unfortunately, there’s not…”

    WRONG!!!!!!!! YOU.CAN.MILK.ANYTHING.WITH.NIPPLES!!!!

  6. Moses says:

    British people are really disgusting. The way they look, the way they act